i'd actually love to be in the room.

"you need to shave your beard."
"i can't shave my beard, man."
"you think it's magic."
"i don't think i have a magic beard."
"then why won't you shave it?"
"because i can't."
"...because..."
".........because....."

"....because you think it's magic."
"i...i don't..."
"then, why won't you.."

hopeful response:
"alright. alright. i'll shave the beard."

likely response:
"fine. i think it's magic. what happens next?"
"god help us all."