153.8. 

time to eat.

it's almost time to eat and i didn't spend the day doing what i intended to do.

i sat down and very carefully tried to be as thorough as i could in getting everything done in the kitchen and i came up with:

- paper towel holder (i was going to make one, but i bought one)

- knife sharpener

- 32 ounce plastic cups

i was also looking at a mini food processor, specifically for garlic and dill because it's hard to cut it close, but i'd use it for broccoli topping and other things as well, and also at a new cutting board, but i had mostly decided against it by last night. i have three metal bowls and a fan in a cart at walmart awaiting a cancellation on something else.

when i woke up, i realized i had to address the temperature, as well.

the cardboard is actually a good insulator, and taping cardboard over the ceiling will probably help quite a bit in itself. i have a lot of cardboard. i should do that. but i was looking at buying some foil or some tape to reflect the heat back in and i wanted to make sure i understood what i was doing first. 

i am very much doing the opposite of what most people are trying to do when they look into this. most people are trying to reflect the sun's light out and keep the cool air in; i'm trying to keep the cool air out and bounce the heat back down. for that reason, what i'm doing is likely to actually work, while it's not that likely to work in most other situations. i would not recommend doing this if you were trying to cool your space down.

if you want to create a thermal barrier that traps heat into your space and blocks cold air from a cooler space above you (in my case, an air conditioned main floor), the best heat reflecting material out there is simple aluminum of a thickness greater than that in alumnium foil, but you need to be careful that you aren't just conducting the heat through the foil, because aluminum is also a strong conductor. 

it is argued on the internet that if you want full reflectivity then the way to do it is to create an air barrier between the foil and an insulating material that is large enough to prevent conduction through the aluminum but small enough to prevent radiation on the other side. i think that this is wrong, but thinking it through helped me better understand. my take on this is that this is probably a fool's errand, and that this supposed air barrier is probably going to inevitably result in convection, and there's probably no way to actually get this middle point between convection and conduction other than by heating the gap up. you should probably be more concerned about preventing convection than you are about preventing conduction and as such be careful to make sure there is no air gap at all; convection is more likely to break you than conduction, especially if you pick a good insulator on the other side. the aluminum is not going to store the heat radiating into it, and the heat isn't gong to disappear into the quantum void, it is either going to go through the aluminum to whatever is on the other side (including by convecting) or reflect off of it, back into the room. that proposed air gap is probably just giving the heat somewhere to go, until it gets hotter than downstairs and starts bouncing back; a flush insulator will stop it from building up in the gap and just push it straight back. i'm consequently going to warn against this idea of creating an "air gap" as being bad advice and instead advise you to push the aluminum flush against the insulator to minimize any space where the heat can build up. certainly, you want to ensure the aluminum is not touching any other conductors, as well, but that's not the point, and that advice does not extend to trying to prevent it from touching insulators.

in fact, that is the advice given by the company that makes the aluminum insulation that i just bought 400 square feet of. the sheeting is a roll of insulating styrofoam-like plastic sandwiched between a relatively thick sheet of aluminum (much thicker than aluminum foil). to maximize effectiveness, they suggest making sure the aluminum is pushed as flush against the wall or ceiling as possible, to eliminate air gaps. i think that is actually correct and that the advice on the internet is wrong.

i am going to use looped over packing tape to connect these sheets of foil-sandwiched insulating foam to large pieces of cardboard, and then use more looped over packing tape to connect the cardboard to the ceiling. i may also use pink fibreglass insulation in one space where there will be a gap, for added insulation. the layering will be as follows:

(cold air)

- flooring (either wood or plaster)

- (insulation, where it is open wood)

- corrugated cardboard, mostly from walmart or amazon

- aluminum

- foam

- aluminum

(hot air)

i want to keep the hot in and the cold out. the aluminum on the bottom, as insulated by the foam, should keep the heat in. the aluminum on the top, in context, should have little utility - it might reflect any light coming in from upstairs, but that should really never happen. rather, it will continue to reflect any heat that gets through the foam back into it, the other way. it will keep the heat that is upstairs, as little as it may be, up there, too. that heat would not flow downwards, anyways. the systems are designed to reflect heat in in the winter and heat out in the summer, depending on where the source of heat in the thermal gradient is sitting. the cardboard on the other side of the aluminum and any insulation on the other side of it will act as a final barrier to prevent any heat that got through the foam and the second aluminum from escaping, pushing it back down to the aluminum. a gap will develop between the foam and the cardboard, consisting of the heat that got through the foam and can't get through the cardboard. that trapped heat will act as a barrier between the two apartments and a buffer blocking any cold air from upstairs, which will get neutralized between the floors and have less effect on me. 

this will allow me to open the windows without triggering the a/c upstairs, so i've bought a large amount of metal meshing to screw over the windows from the inside. this will keep out bugs, rodents and bad guys.

most of it will be here before monday.

when i stopped yesterday, i wanted to sort through some posts made in may to make sure i was keep tracking of plans i made and wrote down, without abandoning them due to the headache. these processes are interrelated and will finish together, it's just that this is a sorting process that requires space in ram to move things around in before i can have more space to move things into their right places. i want to make sure i don't skip anything and then have to come back to it.

i will need to sort through my pile of boxes before i can get the radiant barrier up. i will need to get into that space, first, which requires cleaning around it. i need to have somewhere to put it, which will require moving the boxes of books, which will require installing the shelves, which is what i was starting to do the other day before  fell asleep. 

i'm not gay and don't care about gay pride. trans women are not gay men and don't like being categorized as queer. i identify as heterosexual and female.

you will see lots of transvestites - drag queens - out and about. they are gay men and do identify as gay. they will celebrate gay pride and be frequently seen at gay parties, because that's what they're all about. they are not transgendered. it's not a small or subtle difference.

i'm relatively liberal and open about the whole thing, partly because i transitioned late and know better than to think i can sidestep the issue, but most transgendered people don't want to be deadnamed, identified as members of their previous gender, considered gay or even outed as trans at all. trans pride is not something that's visible the way that gay pride is. we do not want to march down streets or celebrate in queer subcultures, we want to blend in to normal society and not be noticed as trans at all.

i am going to be making what i hope are some last kitchen purchases today, but i also need to deal with the temperature in here. the tenants above me prefer the temperature around 18 degrees celsius, and i prefer it around 28 degrees. it's warm out, and they have the air blaring. i want the breeze from outside, but there's some kind of negative pressure working down here that's stopping the outside air from coming in. it's very weird. it might just not be warm enough out yet, and the gradient might be too small. but, i'm struggling to get the heat in and keep the air out.

if they set the a/c to 25 i could probably deal with it but they seem to want to set it to about 17. as a tenant, there is nothing i can do to stop them from running the air conditioning. the way a/c works is that it doesn't just reduce the temperature to a warm 25 in the summer, but sucks all of the warmth and humidity out of the air, leaving you with a wind chill like a/c effect. 25 in the a/c is more like 19. 17 in the a/c feels like 10 degrees. i can't tolerate this freezing cold and need to find ways to block it from affecting me.

i have a lot of windows in here but a lot of the screens are broken so i need to get some wire. i can just screw it in from the outside. a cross breeze will help circulate warmer air from outside in here and mute the effect of the a/c.

however, the same area in the back that the rats were in is going to be a problem because there's barely anything separating the units. i can smell their food in there, and the a/c is practically on full blast. the insulation blocks a hole to outside but doesn't address the lack of separation between the units. it's blocked with heavy doors and fairly isolated, so the rest of the place isn't so bad, but it's freezing in there.

i'm going to just tape some cardboard boxes up, but i want to get some insulating tape or something to put over the boxes. that's minimally invasive and should work in blocking both the cold and the smell. i can even take it with me and use it to block the a/c in the next place (this isn't the first time the a/c has been a problem). but i need to look into it first.

it's acne. it's gross, but i understand it and there's no utility in getting upset. it will wash off. they may have given me something that messed with my hormones with whatever they're drugging me with, or the acne may be a side effect; the only symptom is acne, once the headache has lifted. that's it.

the best way to stop the acne from building up like this is to lose the weight.

i'm currently at around 154, which is down from around 165. i need to fall to 153.x before the next meal, which i expect to be some time today. that will probably bounce up to around 158-9 when i'm done eating, then need to fall to 152 for the next meal, which will be for mondayish.

i'm not reducing portions, i'm pushing myself down through a systematic lowering process. it's not starvation. i ate last on wednesday evening and will eat again this afternoon or evening. my meals are planned to be extremely nutritious and have high calorie intakes, because i'm supposed to be doing a lot of cardio, which is the thing i haven't had time for. in fact, i should get an exercise bike in place within a week or two and that should reduce the gap. it's just extremely careful micromanagement, with no breaks and no compromises.

i'll have the 70 ounce bowl of chicken bacon caesar salad when i get to 153 in a few days and finish it probably on saturday,

a garden salad of the same size when i get to 152 on probably monday night,

another one on wednesday or thursday when i get to 151,

and a 70 ounce bowl of tomato bacon cheddar soup with crackers and toast on friday or saturday when i get to 150

we're keeping at this until i get to 130 and then easing up until it gets back to 140. 

the acne might even be partially from the weight loss, but the weight loss didn't cause the migraines and auras over the weekend.

yeah, i look like a 14 year-old pizza face. somebody did this to me on purpose.

it's less gross than the bloated stupid jock face or the despicable hairy ape-dog face, which is what they want. the ape-dog is an elusive creature native to the forests around number one observatory, washington dc. it comes out only to feed on couches left in local laneways, and when cynical and principleless opportunism is rife.

but it's pretty disgusting, and i'm going to need a few days for the grease to drip off and to find a way out of this enforced arrested development and back to middle age.

fuck.

losers.

laho-hosers.

wait, i think i just derived something.

after sleeping it off, i'm feeling a little better. for now. this is cyclical, based on what they're doing.

i actually think i was having an allergic reaction for the last week, which is something i've noticed before. this time, it wasn't hives all over my body, but rather manifested in my face swelling up to twice it's size (i've noticed this before as well, associated it with what seemed to be forced steroid consumption and labelled it "stupid jock face syndrome", but that doesn't seem to be the issue at this time) and giant puss-filled zits developing all over it. a couple of these seem to have little eyelash sized ingrown hairs, but they're mostly just disgusting thick zits, like you tend to see in teenagers.

i have dealt with this as i have before, which is to wash it down until it bleeds and then lather over it with acne soap. this is a disgusting process that initially makes the whole thing worse, as it results in your face wrinkling up and breaking out even worse at the same time. the soap hurts, but when it's done you'll have a dozen big grease-filled bumps to break open with pimple poppers, or just pop with your fingers. 

this time, the soap reached it's zenith this afternoon and i went through and broke open all the grease-filled blemishes this evening, before i went to sleep, as i tend to in the evening. when i woke back up, the swelling had come down and the zits had turned into bloody scabs. the result is that i look like a meth addict, which is frustrating given that i would never touch the stuff and would beat the shit out of anybody that tried to offer it to me (i would use shovels to smash their heads in. i would not show mercy. it would be messy. drug dealers do not deserve human rights. i don't support capital punishment for rape or pedophilia, but i would support it for drug dealers. it's a worse crime.), but also probably something approximating what my body has been going through, and something these stalkers are doing to me intentionally. it should wash off in the next day or two.

i had to go to the bank machine to get some cash on friday night for the couch, which gave the losers the opportunity to get in here. i had migraines all weekend, resulting in the swelling, which is coming down, now. they seem to have moved in upstairs.

i'm left with no option but to barricade the doors shut until i can understand what's going on.

my immediate focus is healing from the effects of the poisons i was drugged with. i'm a little groggy and i look disgusting but i think i'm ok and i'll be ok when i wash up.

the correct solution is to put these people in jail, but the canadian justice system is irrevocably broken and i've learned that i can't rely on the system to come to correct outcomes. the cliche is that the asylum is being run by the inmates, and that is very much what is really happening in canada. i will need to seek extralegal solutions, because the legal system is no longer able to succeed in arriving at correct outcomes due to a mix of systemic corruption and systemic incompetence. the judiciary in canada was recently intentionally redesigned to be hopelessly ignorant and incapable of solving or working through problems in a way that benefits anybody except the interests of capital.

i've also learned over the last few years that you cannot move away from the drug problem in canada. there are too many drug addicts, and they are distributed too widely. again, the court has created this problem via it's incompetence. citizens cannot evade it, and cannot use the system to address it, but will need to find ways to address the problem using methods outside of the legal system. 

what i'm dealing with is something a little bit different than that, but i essentially need to address it the same way. i'm left with no option but to address the drug problem using vigilante methods, because the system has taken away everything else.