i spent the first 21 years of my life completely single. when i met sarah, i wasn't just a virgin, i was somebody that had never experienced a kiss, had never been on a date, and had never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. i had absolutely no sexual or romantic experience with anybody at all, whatsoever. in fact, i barely even had any friends - i could count the number of people i'd called a friend since elementary school on one hand.

i then went through a phase with sarah that lasted about 36 months and left me entirely disinterested in women as lovers.

i have neither had sex nor romance since. and, i don't expect i will ever again.

i was primarily attracted to men, sexually, the whole time, i just didn't know how to process it. i didn't feel like a "gay man", i felt more like a woman. so, i broadly resisted my urges, under the argument that i would't really be able to satisfy them. anal sex just struck me as a bad compromise. it wasn't what i actually fantasized about or what i actually wanted.

i guess i'm a perfectionist in a lot of ways; if i can't get exactly what i want, i don't bother. and, i knew i couldn't get what i wanted, so i waited. and waited.

i would rather be sexless, at this point; that's a choice i made a long time ago, and one i want to follow through with. my desires have not altered, and i'm not changing what i want. don't think i'm giving up. even if forced to detransition, my end goal will remain surgical castration. it's not just sex that i find unappealing, but sexuality, itself.

but, i may have to face the facts in front of me for the near future: i am going to be unable to suppress my testosterone, whether i like it or not.

and, i'll have to decide whether i want to experience that or not, as it happens.