so, i cleaned up the blog up until the man or astroman? show on the 24th, and there are clear signs of intrusion, so i'm turning off the modem and reimaging a bit early.
i'll talk to you again on the 25th.
Monday, March 23, 2020
we're having some definitional issues, again, apparently, and i'll just briefly point them out and then continue to define words properly, rather than the way they're used in the backward american political spectrum.
so, conservatism is a right-wing ideology that believes in centralized power and authoritarian leadership. historically, the democrats have been the conservative party in the united states, and it is governors like gretchen whitmer and gavin newsom that are producing the most conservative reactions to the crisis.
liberalism counters conservatism by opposing centralized power and authoritarian leadership, insisting instead on individual freedom and civil rights. it argues that markets are the best way to do this. historically, the republicans have been the liberal party in the united states, but they have flirted with a kind of nihilism over much of the last hundred years that has seen them cynically move to the right of the conservative party.
what that means is that the political spectrum in the united states allows you to choose between the democrats on the right and the republicans on the far right.
what is a liberal - or a socialist - to do? they may weakly lean towards the democrats, but rarely with any conviction. but, they mostly end up disenfranchised, and forced to try and figure out which individual politicians are lesser evils, regardless of party alignment.
in the current crisis, those who are advocating stronger government powers and controls are conservatives and fall on the right of the spectrum; those that think that civil liberties are paramount and that the situation doesn't justify curtailing them are liberals and fall on the left of the spectrum.
the language produced by the media will no doubt be very confusing.
but, the political hats that i wear - hats like civil libertarian, anarchist, socialist and social liberal - are in absolute agreement: individual civil rights trump collective security, which is the statement that defines the left of the spectrum.
we'll have to see how key voting groups like young people react to this and align, in the end.
so, conservatism is a right-wing ideology that believes in centralized power and authoritarian leadership. historically, the democrats have been the conservative party in the united states, and it is governors like gretchen whitmer and gavin newsom that are producing the most conservative reactions to the crisis.
liberalism counters conservatism by opposing centralized power and authoritarian leadership, insisting instead on individual freedom and civil rights. it argues that markets are the best way to do this. historically, the republicans have been the liberal party in the united states, but they have flirted with a kind of nihilism over much of the last hundred years that has seen them cynically move to the right of the conservative party.
what that means is that the political spectrum in the united states allows you to choose between the democrats on the right and the republicans on the far right.
what is a liberal - or a socialist - to do? they may weakly lean towards the democrats, but rarely with any conviction. but, they mostly end up disenfranchised, and forced to try and figure out which individual politicians are lesser evils, regardless of party alignment.
in the current crisis, those who are advocating stronger government powers and controls are conservatives and fall on the right of the spectrum; those that think that civil liberties are paramount and that the situation doesn't justify curtailing them are liberals and fall on the left of the spectrum.
the language produced by the media will no doubt be very confusing.
but, the political hats that i wear - hats like civil libertarian, anarchist, socialist and social liberal - are in absolute agreement: individual civil rights trump collective security, which is the statement that defines the left of the spectrum.
we'll have to see how key voting groups like young people react to this and align, in the end.
i've been clear that i don't see any reason to think that slowing the spread of this thing is desirable - i think they should protect the elderly, and otherwise just let it run it's course.
i'm a civil libertarian, and i believe singularly in the direction of science. authoritarian government lockdowns based on flimsy evidence really aren't my cup of tea.
this discussion is many weeks too late at this point; it's kind of hard to undo what's been done. if he eases up now, all the damage he created was essentially pointless, but you don't expect better from this guy.
they need to key in on specific groups, regardless, and they're not. if they keep up the fascist lockdowns, and they don't implement smart policy, then people are going to die, anyways. so, you'd might as well ease up. and, if they key in on the right groups, then there's no reason to make the many suffer for the benefit of the few.
this is no doubt not his reasoning, so it's a stretch to suggest i agree with him. but, i don't see the scientific justification underlying this, i think we've given into fear and unreason, and i agree it should end asap.
https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/23/politics/trump-coronavirus-15-days-social-distancing/
i'm a civil libertarian, and i believe singularly in the direction of science. authoritarian government lockdowns based on flimsy evidence really aren't my cup of tea.
this discussion is many weeks too late at this point; it's kind of hard to undo what's been done. if he eases up now, all the damage he created was essentially pointless, but you don't expect better from this guy.
they need to key in on specific groups, regardless, and they're not. if they keep up the fascist lockdowns, and they don't implement smart policy, then people are going to die, anyways. so, you'd might as well ease up. and, if they key in on the right groups, then there's no reason to make the many suffer for the benefit of the few.
this is no doubt not his reasoning, so it's a stretch to suggest i agree with him. but, i don't see the scientific justification underlying this, i think we've given into fear and unreason, and i agree it should end asap.
https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/23/politics/trump-coronavirus-15-days-social-distancing/
i've had the modem turned off all day.
no response from the isp, yet. they've indicated that they're busy. i can wait a little, but not too much.
i'm going to powerwash the chromebook, and check the other account. i'm going to try to get a few things done this evening. and, then i'm turning the modem off for the full calendar day of the 24th.
i can catch up on sleep.
the spike in electricity on the morning of the 13th is consistent with somebody messing with the chromebook. so, it seems like they came in, realized that the laptop was disassembled and fucked with the chromebook, instead.
the device is easily reset, by design.
let's hope it's that easy. but, i need to be able to prove to myself that all traffic is being directed through my own modem, and not going through some secondary path to the cop upstairs.
no response from the isp, yet. they've indicated that they're busy. i can wait a little, but not too much.
i'm going to powerwash the chromebook, and check the other account. i'm going to try to get a few things done this evening. and, then i'm turning the modem off for the full calendar day of the 24th.
i can catch up on sleep.
the spike in electricity on the morning of the 13th is consistent with somebody messing with the chromebook. so, it seems like they came in, realized that the laptop was disassembled and fucked with the chromebook, instead.
the device is easily reset, by design.
let's hope it's that easy. but, i need to be able to prove to myself that all traffic is being directed through my own modem, and not going through some secondary path to the cop upstairs.
look at this:
that 3 gb on the 10th is about as high as it ever gets, and it's because i was watching the primary. less than 2 is the norm, and that goes back years.
clearly, something very dramatic happened to the connection on the 13th!
further, i turned it off on the 17th (i mentioned that it looked like somebody had come in here and messed with the power bar. now i get it.), and i turned it off for a while on friday to try to clear the ip, after i realized there was something on the usb key.
so, i'm turning the modem off now and taking a nap. i won't be back up until the evening.
there doesn't appear to be an accompanying increase in uploading, so i'm less concerned about surveillance. maybe that's naive. but we're shutting down for hours at a time until i can figure this out.
that 3 gb on the 10th is about as high as it ever gets, and it's because i was watching the primary. less than 2 is the norm, and that goes back years.
clearly, something very dramatic happened to the connection on the 13th!
further, i turned it off on the 17th (i mentioned that it looked like somebody had come in here and messed with the power bar. now i get it.), and i turned it off for a while on friday to try to clear the ip, after i realized there was something on the usb key.
so, i'm turning the modem off now and taking a nap. i won't be back up until the evening.
there doesn't appear to be an accompanying increase in uploading, so i'm less concerned about surveillance. maybe that's naive. but we're shutting down for hours at a time until i can figure this out.
dear landlord/cop,
i have a 200 gb usage cap on my account, something that was dramatically increased some time ago. when i signed up for the account, it was 50 gb. i've never paid a dime in overage fees and have no intention to ever do so.
on many months, i will actually use less than 10 gb of bandwidth. because i mostly just read...really....
i used more bandwidth in the last 24 hours than i use in two months, on average.
so, the theft is obvious.
(1) i will be contacting my isp to get a clear hour-by-hour reading of data usage.
(2) i will be turning the device off when i'm not using it, and continuing to check on an hourly basis.
it is true that i have a lot of unused bandwidth to share, and i might have been willing to share up to 100 gb/month if asked nicely, and perhaps in exchange for a modest rent reduction. i have a legacy internet package that is no longer on offer, and it's a sweet deal.
but it's exceedingly minimal - very slow speeds, and a very low level of bandwidth.
if i can establish that you have in fact stolen my bandwidth, i will be seeking legal options.
"you only use 20 gb of internet a month?"
at most.
i just read....
i actually think my landlord is probably stealing my internet. but, i should start by resetting both of my devices, first, and sending an email to my isp.
there's a ridiculous mess of cables....if i can get a better understanding of what all of this bandwidth is all of a sudden, i can hopefully track it better.
and, i'll need to be turning the modem off when i'm not using it, too. if bandwidth goes up when i'm not using it, i'll know there's some kind of fork.
this is intriguing.
i just checked my bandwidth.
before march 13th, my average bandwidth was about 15-20 gb/month. it's gone up by 1000% since march 13th, when i got back from an overnight in detroit. i'm going to end up with overage charges if i don't get this under control.
my habits have not changed.
so, it seems like somebody has installed something that is increasing my bandwidth somehow. let me snoop around, and see if i can figure this out....
i flipped through this study, and it doesn't present a mechanism or otherwise explain why you would use an antibiotic to treat a virus - it just suggests some kind of "synergistic effect".
i didn't think this was worth commenting on until i saw that cuomo was ordering clinical trials, and it sort of clicked.
given that most people that get this thing will clear it from their system fairly quickly, that the mortality rate is probably around 0.5%, there is a very high likelihood of false positives in a randomized trial. the reality is that you could have observed roughly equivalent results by giving them pixie dust.
so, what's going on then?
my best guess is that some drug companies are looking to cash in on this by eliminating supply of a drug that has essentially no use in the northern latitudes, and they're betting on people being too hysterical about the whole thing to think it through.
and, the more people that you prescribe this to that will beat the virus very easily on it's own, the more evidence that you'll build that it works.
as mentioned, given that 99% of people will beat this thing with absolutely no medical intervention at all, clinical trials are unlikely to produce much of anything of value, unless they're very narrowly targeted.
what you actually want to see here is a mechanism, which means you should be handing this off to those spectroscopy labs.
what you actually want to see here is a mechanism, which means you should be handing this off to those spectroscopy labs.
but, trump is apparently more interested in increasing profits for drug companies than he is in crafting any kind of serious response to this.
this is a review of the debussy/ravel concert at the dso on feb 16, 2020.
when i saw la mer come up, i knew i'd be prioritizing it fairly heavily, even amidst the cold detroit winter. as it is, this day almost didn't happen - and then turned into somewhat of a catastrophe, in the end.
the dso usually does three performances of each show over the course of a weekend, sometimes starting as early as thursday but usually ending on sunday. i was hoping to make a night out of it by catching the symphony early and hitting something afterwards. initially, it seemed as though the saturday presented the best opportunity, as i would have been able to hit a local act called paint thinner after the set. i've had lukewarm reviews of the disc, but i would still like to see them live to produce a final analysis. unfortunately, paint thinner was replaced at the last minute by something that was much less interesting to me, a local punk band that i think is more or less terrible, and i ended up deciding to take advantage of a turn in the weather to hit the show on a sunny sunday afternoon instead of on a blustery saturday night. you can check out paint thinner's bandcamp site, but i suspect they're probably better live:
https://paint-thinner.com/
unfortunately, this meant i had no after show plans.
did i sleep before i went? well enough - i got a few hours, although i wonder how much i'd slept in the weeks leading up to it. i'd been complaining about strange odours from upstairs for weeks, and i'd been dealing with migraines over the previous few months, as well as complaining about feeling like i'd been drugged against my will. i was clearly dealing with some kind of environmental issue. i can, however, clarify that i was in bed after 3:00 and up around 10:00, a sufficient amount of sleep for most applications.
i made a decision to myself - i'd go to the show if i could finish the liner note package for inri022, which i got done at around 11:00. was that enough time to get to the show for 15:00? i decided i needed to get out of the house and i'd might as well try. i'd need to catch the 14:00 bus....
i was able to get out of the house just before 14:00. barely. could i catch the 14:30 bus and just make it?
moments before i left, i opened a fresh 710 ml bottle of mountain dew (for the caffeine content) and took a couple of shots of vodka, which is my normal predrink on the way out. i hit the bank machine, got some bus tickets, just caught the 14:30 bus and was in detroit around 14:45 - on track to make it worthwhile, but clearly going to miss the first set. so, i got a mike's and a pack of smokes (it's the latter i regret.) at the 7/11 and walked down to the dso to catch the performance of la mer.
i was there about 15:05, got a corona at the bar (hold the virus.) and had to catch the stravinsky set from outside, something that did not bother me much. stravinsky is something that influenced a number of artists that i deeply respect and enjoy, so i don't want to suggest that i don't realize his historical importance, even as i find a lot of the claims about the political significance of his work to be borderline comical. but, i find his work to be ugly, disjointed, obtuse, crass and broadly not very enjoyable to listen to. you're allowed to disagree with me, but i don't find this compelling. at all.
i didn't skip it on purpose, i was just late due to kind of wavering on going at all. but, i don't expect that i would have enjoyed it much. sorry.
the first piece i caught was by ravel, which seemed a little less aimless than normal. this is a lush piece, which makes it more up my alley than the wanton, aimless dissonance of stravinsky. there's a march that kicks in about halfway through that is particularly satisfying when it does. note that "ring around the roses", which is referenced shortly after the march, is actually about the plague. while i've previously criticized it for being a little bit indulgent near the end, it didn't feel that way on this day, for some reason. so, i enjoyed this, even if it wasn't the reason i showed up there on this day.
i went out for a few smokes after that, and ended up grabbing a heineken on the way back.
the first piece after the break was by poulenc, a composer i'm not familiar with, and it just kind of struck me as debussy-light. that's not to say it was awful. really, the thing about this piece is that i'm finding that i don't have much of any reaction to it at all, still. hey, i tried. it happens, sometimes.
i missed the introductory talk so i'm not going to post it here, but it is up at the dso's youtube site and the person they had come out to do it mentioned that poulenc is generally seen as being "lightweight". so, i'm perhaps not falling too far from orthodoxy in my lack of reaction to this piece, actually.
and, then there is la mer, which is one of the most widely analyzed and most important pieces in the history of western civilization, and i will reiterate that i'm not certain i have much to say about this that is important or hasn't been said; i could paraphrase some musicologist, but what's the point? you'd might as well just go to the source.
but, you should probably start by listening to it:
after the show, i had $4.00 left of the $40.00 that i brought with me and most of a pack of cigarettes, which i wanted to get rid of before i made my way home. so, i found myself walking vaguely towards the tunnel, looking for a spot to finish a beer at on my home back to canada. i think i was intending to get something at deluxx fluxx, but they weren't open yet, so i stopped at the skip instead and got a tall hamm's to sip on for a bit, as i worked through that pack of smokes that i wish i hadn't bought. i'm kind of looking around the bar for somewhere to sit...
wow man...you know, i really thought you were a girl, at first.
i decided to sit down and have a chat.
"you know, there's scenarios where gendering somebody isn't appropriate. i don't want to police your speech. but, i'd ask you to think about that in the future. you can see how i identify, clearly. so, was that necessary? what's the point? why do it?"
he seemed to react as though he'd been scolded by his mother, and it wasn't fair, because he really didn't do anything wrong.
bro, listen, i actually really did think you were a girl. seriously.
"you're still gendering me masculinely, even as you acknowledge interpreting me femininely. why?"
(his girlfriend fidgets)
it's what you are, bro.
"listen, like i say, i'm not here to police your language. you're going to say what you're going to say. i can and will react with my feet. i'd just ask you to think about it before you do it, because your oppression here is unnecessary and could be ended with a little bit of self-reflection. if it's not necessary to gender somebody, maybe you should refrain from doing it."
whatever...bro.
"indeed. whatever..."
i moved to the other side of the bar and left a few minutes later to catch the bus.
when i got over the border, i found myself with too many cigarettes to want to go home and enough money left for two drinks, so i stopped up the strip in windsor that i stop at and noticed somebody smoking a joint outside villain's. it's 19:20, tops. he passes me his joint, and i got to ranting a little about the symphony, i'm really very chatty in general at this point due to the pot, before i found my way back in and ordered a james ready, which is the cheapest beer available at this bar.
i have about ten smokes left, and i'm really just passing the time until i get through most of them and am ready to get home. i figure i won't be there late.
i look around the bar, and it's pretty empty. there's the guy that smoked me, on the other side of the physical bar, and two dark skinned males sitting directly in front of me, speaking an african language. so, i found myself sitting quietly, sipping my beer, and i'm wondering - what language is that?
when one of the africans goes away from the bar, i got to chatting up the other one as to what language he's speaking. he vaguely states that it's east african, but i want something more specific than that. it's not semitic, not nilotic, and as i ask him more and more questions, trying to narrow down the area (so, it's a great lakes language?), he becomes more and more impressed with my knowledge of east african geography. i guess he doesn't meet a lot of white people that know that much about east africa, which is when i have to explain to him that i suspect i have african lineage, potentially from madagascar - but that i have a pretty good understanding of the correct geographic spread of the various indigenous african language groups from when i did a human origins project in the early-mid 00s, which had me sorting through all kinds of genetics, linguistics, biology...
he then decides he will buy me a beer, and motions to the bartender, who pauses. am i sure about that?
"well, i'm going to finish the one i've got, first. after."
and, the one i had had about 75% to go, still. she wasn't wrong to pause.
i went in and out for a few cigarettes, and when i did i left my beer on the side, but i'd say it was at least an hour before i asked for a second beer, which was indeed purchased by the person offering to purchase it. at the time, i thought nothing of this.
she asked me a second time if i was sure and i drew attention to how slowly i was drinking; she seemed to agree with my argument and handed me the second beer. if anything, i would have argued that i felt more sober when i bought the second beer than when i bought the first, because i was drinking so slowly....i would have described myself as sobering up, rather than getting more drunk.
i left my drink out several more times as i went out to finish a few more smokes, and found myself talking about such topics as exes having children with friends and how bruce lee died on set...and, then i found myself in the position i expected to eventually be in - done my second beer and without any more smokes. i did, however, have enough cash on me for a third drink and decided i'd might as well get another one before i left, although i was considering maybe seeing what was happening at phog, as i realized there may be a band there. i legitimately did not feel drunk at all at this point.
so, i went outside to see if i could bum a smoke before i ordered a third beer, and there's some kids smoking a joint around the corner. i pulled out my canned line for such situations -
"you know, i was going to ask to bum a smoke, but...."
....and, i was then handed a cigarette and the joint. i guess i'm cute or something, i don't know. trans privilege? it came with a warning though - it was strong.
and we got to talking, and they kept passing it to me. and, then they didn't want any more. so, i smoked a lot of this joint, of which i was warned was quite strong.
when i came back in after that second joint, i was no doubt quite visibly stoned, and i consequently didn't react negatively when i was denied access to a third drink. i decided instantly in my mind that, yes, i could wait to come down a little off the pot, or maybe i'd just leave and go home. so, we agreed i'd come back in a bit, although i was pretty much planning on leaving. what's next, then?
i intended to go to an empty spot of the bar and sit down and think it through, but looked up before i got there and noticed there was somebody setting up near the stage. was there somebody playing there? so i walked toward the stage and asked her if there was a band playing.
"karaoke".
of course. and, i believe that would put the time close to 22:00.
i then sat down in that empty spot for a second to think it through. did i want to stay there for a few minutes? get some change from the machine to bum smokes? buy smokes? how much cash did i have in the bank? should i go to phog?
i'm told that the next thing that happened is that i fell off the stool, but i don't remember that happening. what i remember is sitting in a different seat not far from where i sat down temporarily, and being unable to move while a woman that i don't recognize (she wasn't the bartender) hovered over me, forcing me to drink orange juice, and telling me that i look lovely - i remember her making that trip several times, and essentially being unable to do anything. i'm not sure if the orange juice helped or hindered; i know that i could not move. at all. if you had helped me up, i would have fallen down. i also distinctly recall not responding to questions, although i'm not sure if i'd have been able to or not.
eventually the woman that i don't recognize came back one last time (this was maybe the fifth time) and told me that she was going to call the police because she was worried that i was going to get raped. i remember her telling me that, and under normal circumstances that would have cleared me out pretty quickly, but i couldn't move. i had to sit there and wait.
whether it was due to the imminent threat the police posed when they arrived or due to the effects of whatever had knocked me out easing up, i was able to get up when the cops got there, but they wouldn't let me walk home. i argued the point as strongly as i could, to what was really no avail. i had no cash for a cab, i insisted (technically false). i had nobody to call (that was true, at least). i insisted i'd be fine if i just walked, and i even tried to run off, but they were having none of it. one of the bartenders had to drive me home, instead, and they got me close enough that it was a short walk back.
she couldn't believe i was 39 years old.
"you don't look it."
but, i am...
when i got inside, i was so exhausted that i couldn't even make it to bed, at first; i passed out at the bottom of the stairs for hours, before eventually crawling into bed. so, i don't know what time i got into the car at and i don't know what time i got home at, either. i wasn't able to check the time until about 7:00 am - meaning that, excluding the time it took to get me out of the bar and home, i was passed out nearly cold for roughly nine hours.
so, what happened? did i pass out from the alcohol?
well, this is what i had to drink:
when i saw la mer come up, i knew i'd be prioritizing it fairly heavily, even amidst the cold detroit winter. as it is, this day almost didn't happen - and then turned into somewhat of a catastrophe, in the end.
the dso usually does three performances of each show over the course of a weekend, sometimes starting as early as thursday but usually ending on sunday. i was hoping to make a night out of it by catching the symphony early and hitting something afterwards. initially, it seemed as though the saturday presented the best opportunity, as i would have been able to hit a local act called paint thinner after the set. i've had lukewarm reviews of the disc, but i would still like to see them live to produce a final analysis. unfortunately, paint thinner was replaced at the last minute by something that was much less interesting to me, a local punk band that i think is more or less terrible, and i ended up deciding to take advantage of a turn in the weather to hit the show on a sunny sunday afternoon instead of on a blustery saturday night. you can check out paint thinner's bandcamp site, but i suspect they're probably better live:
https://paint-thinner.com/
unfortunately, this meant i had no after show plans.
did i sleep before i went? well enough - i got a few hours, although i wonder how much i'd slept in the weeks leading up to it. i'd been complaining about strange odours from upstairs for weeks, and i'd been dealing with migraines over the previous few months, as well as complaining about feeling like i'd been drugged against my will. i was clearly dealing with some kind of environmental issue. i can, however, clarify that i was in bed after 3:00 and up around 10:00, a sufficient amount of sleep for most applications.
i made a decision to myself - i'd go to the show if i could finish the liner note package for inri022, which i got done at around 11:00. was that enough time to get to the show for 15:00? i decided i needed to get out of the house and i'd might as well try. i'd need to catch the 14:00 bus....
i was able to get out of the house just before 14:00. barely. could i catch the 14:30 bus and just make it?
moments before i left, i opened a fresh 710 ml bottle of mountain dew (for the caffeine content) and took a couple of shots of vodka, which is my normal predrink on the way out. i hit the bank machine, got some bus tickets, just caught the 14:30 bus and was in detroit around 14:45 - on track to make it worthwhile, but clearly going to miss the first set. so, i got a mike's and a pack of smokes (it's the latter i regret.) at the 7/11 and walked down to the dso to catch the performance of la mer.
i was there about 15:05, got a corona at the bar (hold the virus.) and had to catch the stravinsky set from outside, something that did not bother me much. stravinsky is something that influenced a number of artists that i deeply respect and enjoy, so i don't want to suggest that i don't realize his historical importance, even as i find a lot of the claims about the political significance of his work to be borderline comical. but, i find his work to be ugly, disjointed, obtuse, crass and broadly not very enjoyable to listen to. you're allowed to disagree with me, but i don't find this compelling. at all.
i didn't skip it on purpose, i was just late due to kind of wavering on going at all. but, i don't expect that i would have enjoyed it much. sorry.
the first piece i caught was by ravel, which seemed a little less aimless than normal. this is a lush piece, which makes it more up my alley than the wanton, aimless dissonance of stravinsky. there's a march that kicks in about halfway through that is particularly satisfying when it does. note that "ring around the roses", which is referenced shortly after the march, is actually about the plague. while i've previously criticized it for being a little bit indulgent near the end, it didn't feel that way on this day, for some reason. so, i enjoyed this, even if it wasn't the reason i showed up there on this day.
i went out for a few smokes after that, and ended up grabbing a heineken on the way back.
the first piece after the break was by poulenc, a composer i'm not familiar with, and it just kind of struck me as debussy-light. that's not to say it was awful. really, the thing about this piece is that i'm finding that i don't have much of any reaction to it at all, still. hey, i tried. it happens, sometimes.
i missed the introductory talk so i'm not going to post it here, but it is up at the dso's youtube site and the person they had come out to do it mentioned that poulenc is generally seen as being "lightweight". so, i'm perhaps not falling too far from orthodoxy in my lack of reaction to this piece, actually.
and, then there is la mer, which is one of the most widely analyzed and most important pieces in the history of western civilization, and i will reiterate that i'm not certain i have much to say about this that is important or hasn't been said; i could paraphrase some musicologist, but what's the point? you'd might as well just go to the source.
but, you should probably start by listening to it:
after the show, i had $4.00 left of the $40.00 that i brought with me and most of a pack of cigarettes, which i wanted to get rid of before i made my way home. so, i found myself walking vaguely towards the tunnel, looking for a spot to finish a beer at on my home back to canada. i think i was intending to get something at deluxx fluxx, but they weren't open yet, so i stopped at the skip instead and got a tall hamm's to sip on for a bit, as i worked through that pack of smokes that i wish i hadn't bought. i'm kind of looking around the bar for somewhere to sit...
wow man...you know, i really thought you were a girl, at first.
i decided to sit down and have a chat.
"you know, there's scenarios where gendering somebody isn't appropriate. i don't want to police your speech. but, i'd ask you to think about that in the future. you can see how i identify, clearly. so, was that necessary? what's the point? why do it?"
he seemed to react as though he'd been scolded by his mother, and it wasn't fair, because he really didn't do anything wrong.
bro, listen, i actually really did think you were a girl. seriously.
"you're still gendering me masculinely, even as you acknowledge interpreting me femininely. why?"
(his girlfriend fidgets)
it's what you are, bro.
"listen, like i say, i'm not here to police your language. you're going to say what you're going to say. i can and will react with my feet. i'd just ask you to think about it before you do it, because your oppression here is unnecessary and could be ended with a little bit of self-reflection. if it's not necessary to gender somebody, maybe you should refrain from doing it."
whatever...bro.
"indeed. whatever..."
i moved to the other side of the bar and left a few minutes later to catch the bus.
when i got over the border, i found myself with too many cigarettes to want to go home and enough money left for two drinks, so i stopped up the strip in windsor that i stop at and noticed somebody smoking a joint outside villain's. it's 19:20, tops. he passes me his joint, and i got to ranting a little about the symphony, i'm really very chatty in general at this point due to the pot, before i found my way back in and ordered a james ready, which is the cheapest beer available at this bar.
i have about ten smokes left, and i'm really just passing the time until i get through most of them and am ready to get home. i figure i won't be there late.
i look around the bar, and it's pretty empty. there's the guy that smoked me, on the other side of the physical bar, and two dark skinned males sitting directly in front of me, speaking an african language. so, i found myself sitting quietly, sipping my beer, and i'm wondering - what language is that?
when one of the africans goes away from the bar, i got to chatting up the other one as to what language he's speaking. he vaguely states that it's east african, but i want something more specific than that. it's not semitic, not nilotic, and as i ask him more and more questions, trying to narrow down the area (so, it's a great lakes language?), he becomes more and more impressed with my knowledge of east african geography. i guess he doesn't meet a lot of white people that know that much about east africa, which is when i have to explain to him that i suspect i have african lineage, potentially from madagascar - but that i have a pretty good understanding of the correct geographic spread of the various indigenous african language groups from when i did a human origins project in the early-mid 00s, which had me sorting through all kinds of genetics, linguistics, biology...
he then decides he will buy me a beer, and motions to the bartender, who pauses. am i sure about that?
"well, i'm going to finish the one i've got, first. after."
and, the one i had had about 75% to go, still. she wasn't wrong to pause.
i went in and out for a few cigarettes, and when i did i left my beer on the side, but i'd say it was at least an hour before i asked for a second beer, which was indeed purchased by the person offering to purchase it. at the time, i thought nothing of this.
she asked me a second time if i was sure and i drew attention to how slowly i was drinking; she seemed to agree with my argument and handed me the second beer. if anything, i would have argued that i felt more sober when i bought the second beer than when i bought the first, because i was drinking so slowly....i would have described myself as sobering up, rather than getting more drunk.
i left my drink out several more times as i went out to finish a few more smokes, and found myself talking about such topics as exes having children with friends and how bruce lee died on set...and, then i found myself in the position i expected to eventually be in - done my second beer and without any more smokes. i did, however, have enough cash on me for a third drink and decided i'd might as well get another one before i left, although i was considering maybe seeing what was happening at phog, as i realized there may be a band there. i legitimately did not feel drunk at all at this point.
so, i went outside to see if i could bum a smoke before i ordered a third beer, and there's some kids smoking a joint around the corner. i pulled out my canned line for such situations -
"you know, i was going to ask to bum a smoke, but...."
....and, i was then handed a cigarette and the joint. i guess i'm cute or something, i don't know. trans privilege? it came with a warning though - it was strong.
and we got to talking, and they kept passing it to me. and, then they didn't want any more. so, i smoked a lot of this joint, of which i was warned was quite strong.
when i came back in after that second joint, i was no doubt quite visibly stoned, and i consequently didn't react negatively when i was denied access to a third drink. i decided instantly in my mind that, yes, i could wait to come down a little off the pot, or maybe i'd just leave and go home. so, we agreed i'd come back in a bit, although i was pretty much planning on leaving. what's next, then?
i intended to go to an empty spot of the bar and sit down and think it through, but looked up before i got there and noticed there was somebody setting up near the stage. was there somebody playing there? so i walked toward the stage and asked her if there was a band playing.
"karaoke".
of course. and, i believe that would put the time close to 22:00.
i then sat down in that empty spot for a second to think it through. did i want to stay there for a few minutes? get some change from the machine to bum smokes? buy smokes? how much cash did i have in the bank? should i go to phog?
i'm told that the next thing that happened is that i fell off the stool, but i don't remember that happening. what i remember is sitting in a different seat not far from where i sat down temporarily, and being unable to move while a woman that i don't recognize (she wasn't the bartender) hovered over me, forcing me to drink orange juice, and telling me that i look lovely - i remember her making that trip several times, and essentially being unable to do anything. i'm not sure if the orange juice helped or hindered; i know that i could not move. at all. if you had helped me up, i would have fallen down. i also distinctly recall not responding to questions, although i'm not sure if i'd have been able to or not.
eventually the woman that i don't recognize came back one last time (this was maybe the fifth time) and told me that she was going to call the police because she was worried that i was going to get raped. i remember her telling me that, and under normal circumstances that would have cleared me out pretty quickly, but i couldn't move. i had to sit there and wait.
whether it was due to the imminent threat the police posed when they arrived or due to the effects of whatever had knocked me out easing up, i was able to get up when the cops got there, but they wouldn't let me walk home. i argued the point as strongly as i could, to what was really no avail. i had no cash for a cab, i insisted (technically false). i had nobody to call (that was true, at least). i insisted i'd be fine if i just walked, and i even tried to run off, but they were having none of it. one of the bartenders had to drive me home, instead, and they got me close enough that it was a short walk back.
she couldn't believe i was 39 years old.
"you don't look it."
but, i am...
when i got inside, i was so exhausted that i couldn't even make it to bed, at first; i passed out at the bottom of the stairs for hours, before eventually crawling into bed. so, i don't know what time i got into the car at and i don't know what time i got home at, either. i wasn't able to check the time until about 7:00 am - meaning that, excluding the time it took to get me out of the bar and home, i was passed out nearly cold for roughly nine hours.
so, what happened? did i pass out from the alcohol?
well, this is what i had to drink:
- two shots of vodka in my montain dew, 1:45-2:35.
- one tall mike's hard, 2:45-3:20
- one corona, 3:20-4:00
- one heineken, 4:00-5:00
- one tall hamm's, 6:00-7:00
- two james ready, 7:30-10-ish
on an average day, this would barely be enough to get me drunk. further, let's note the type of alcohol that i was drinking - beer since after 15:00.
i suppose it's not impossible that it was the alcohol, but i'd suggest that that doesn't add up - i'm not likely to pass out for nine hours after drinking a few beers on a sunday afternoon.
is it possible that it was the marijuana, rather than the alcohol?
those that have been following this blog, or have met me in detroit, are well aware of the fact that i can sometimes experience something akin to a panic attack as a result of marijuana. after smoking pot, i have had a handful of seizure-like events that have resulted in me needing to sit down for a few minutes, or even in me temporarily losing consciousness. i suspect that i'm experiencing sudden drops in blood pressure, but i don't actually understand this - i just know it happens.
these events, however, are brief - minutes or seconds long. further, i'm good to go for the rest of the night, afterwards. they don't leave me unable to move for extended periods of time like i was on this night.
as i have a history of panic attack type green-outs, and i had just smoked a lot of marijuana before i passed out, i initially put the pieces together. it must have been the pot, obviously; i've been through this before, i was fine. i consequently got rather frustrated by the turn of events, because i know i green out, and i know i'm fine after. upon some reflection, however, that actually doesn't add up very well, either - i wasn't immediately aware of how zonked out i actually was, but piecing it together as best i can indicates the low likelihood of marijuana being the culprit.
i've held off on writing this review because i wanted to get more information about time frames in order to be absolutely certain, and i haven't been able to receive any of it quite yet. i'm going ahead with this now because this bar is....depending on how long the covid-19 fiasco goes on for, this is a bar that may not reopen at all. i may never get the answer i want.
however, i've thought it through carefully enough to rule out both alcohol and marijuana due to just how passed out i really was - nine hours! no green out is nine hours, and i'd need to be chugging a 40 of vodka to get that kind of reaction from alcohol.
regardless - how long was i out for? what time did the police show up at? what time did i get in the car at? when did i get home? these are the questions i need some help in understanding the answers to.
you have to understand that i was rather confused, and i wasn't really paying attention, but i do suspect that the bar was closed when the police showed up. i don't remember there being people around. i don't remember karoake being on. this would indicate the police probably arrived around or after 2:00 - and that, if i passed out around 22:00, that i was unable to move for around four hours.
having ruled out alcohol and marijuana, what would do that to a person?
(1) what exactly did i smoke? i was told it was "strong marijuana". i have no idea. i know i smoked a fair bit of it.
(2) you'll recall that somebody bought me a drink, and i left that drink out a few times, perhaps foolishly. the woman that was hovering over me told me she thought i was going to get raped - is that because she had concluded i'd been drugged?
(3) i have no history of diabetes, but that doesn't necessarily mean much. i get tested yearly. i'll be tested next in the first week of may.
(4) could i have had a stroke or heart attack? i have very low blood pressure. but, i'd just smoked a pack of cigarettes quite quickly, after having barely smoked at all for two months. some kind of attack due to low blood pressure is more likely than one due to high blood pressure, but something cardio-vascular related is not impossible.
i was able to get some nachos in the morning with the five dollar bill that never made it's way to a third drink.
on an average day, this would barely be enough to get me drunk. further, let's note the type of alcohol that i was drinking - beer since after 15:00.
i suppose it's not impossible that it was the alcohol, but i'd suggest that that doesn't add up - i'm not likely to pass out for nine hours after drinking a few beers on a sunday afternoon.
is it possible that it was the marijuana, rather than the alcohol?
those that have been following this blog, or have met me in detroit, are well aware of the fact that i can sometimes experience something akin to a panic attack as a result of marijuana. after smoking pot, i have had a handful of seizure-like events that have resulted in me needing to sit down for a few minutes, or even in me temporarily losing consciousness. i suspect that i'm experiencing sudden drops in blood pressure, but i don't actually understand this - i just know it happens.
these events, however, are brief - minutes or seconds long. further, i'm good to go for the rest of the night, afterwards. they don't leave me unable to move for extended periods of time like i was on this night.
as i have a history of panic attack type green-outs, and i had just smoked a lot of marijuana before i passed out, i initially put the pieces together. it must have been the pot, obviously; i've been through this before, i was fine. i consequently got rather frustrated by the turn of events, because i know i green out, and i know i'm fine after. upon some reflection, however, that actually doesn't add up very well, either - i wasn't immediately aware of how zonked out i actually was, but piecing it together as best i can indicates the low likelihood of marijuana being the culprit.
i've held off on writing this review because i wanted to get more information about time frames in order to be absolutely certain, and i haven't been able to receive any of it quite yet. i'm going ahead with this now because this bar is....depending on how long the covid-19 fiasco goes on for, this is a bar that may not reopen at all. i may never get the answer i want.
however, i've thought it through carefully enough to rule out both alcohol and marijuana due to just how passed out i really was - nine hours! no green out is nine hours, and i'd need to be chugging a 40 of vodka to get that kind of reaction from alcohol.
regardless - how long was i out for? what time did the police show up at? what time did i get in the car at? when did i get home? these are the questions i need some help in understanding the answers to.
you have to understand that i was rather confused, and i wasn't really paying attention, but i do suspect that the bar was closed when the police showed up. i don't remember there being people around. i don't remember karoake being on. this would indicate the police probably arrived around or after 2:00 - and that, if i passed out around 22:00, that i was unable to move for around four hours.
having ruled out alcohol and marijuana, what would do that to a person?
(1) what exactly did i smoke? i was told it was "strong marijuana". i have no idea. i know i smoked a fair bit of it.
(2) you'll recall that somebody bought me a drink, and i left that drink out a few times, perhaps foolishly. the woman that was hovering over me told me she thought i was going to get raped - is that because she had concluded i'd been drugged?
(3) i have no history of diabetes, but that doesn't necessarily mean much. i get tested yearly. i'll be tested next in the first week of may.
(4) could i have had a stroke or heart attack? i have very low blood pressure. but, i'd just smoked a pack of cigarettes quite quickly, after having barely smoked at all for two months. some kind of attack due to low blood pressure is more likely than one due to high blood pressure, but something cardio-vascular related is not impossible.
i was able to get some nachos in the morning with the five dollar bill that never made it's way to a third drink.
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