i got a huge amount of grocery shopping done today, and will need to crunch numbers in various ideas i've gone with.

it's similar, but not fully what i expected.

i need a short nap, just right now.

actually, i think ontario will probably see closer to 2,000 cases/day be mid october.

i'll test for antibodies when it's available.

for right now, i actually don't want you to know if i've contracted the virus or not; that's personal data. i certainly don't want the government to know about it.

sorry.

this brings up piles of civil rights issues.

i don't want to enter a room with a device of this sort. i do not consent.

https://globalnews.ca/news/7367826/coronavirus-biocloud-detect-virus-in-air/

i've watched the first two segments of this debate, and trump is just completely demolishing him.

i don't really want to carefully analyze this, as they're both too terrible to really bother with. but, in terms of personality, trump wins the debate, no contest.

so, is my psyche trying to tell me i'm overwhelmingly attracted to noam chomsky?

hardly.

rather, whatever is happening in my body is happening outside of any psychological control, at all. if i can't suppress the male hormones, they're going to run their course - but that doesn't mean i'm going to enjoy it, or really react to it at all.

maybe a better comparison is to an insulin shot. you don't fantasize about proper sugar-regulation; it just happens whether you like it or not. 

and, because i just don't purposefully masturbate at all, or think about sex in much of any way, what's happening - and appears set to continue to happen - is just random, uncontrollable, unwanted spontaneous orgasms.

so, i'll be sitting there reading about ancient history, and just randomly orgasm.

i have a good sense of humour, and i'm sure i'll find a way to be ironic about it. but, i really wish it would just stop.

i was able to pick up my meds today without incidence. it's at the lower dosage of 100 mg/day, at least until i can find an illegal source to supplement with. but, i'm not without - even if this dosage is really barely working.

and, i had a "sex dream" when i got home. and, i'm going to tell you about it to demonstrate the point, which is that i just don't have sexual fantasies, except to completely eliminate my sexuality altogether.

so, the sex dream was a chomsky lecture. really. what i was dreaming about was sitting in a classroom, listening to chomsky speak.

and, then i had to run to the bathroom to stop myself from cumming in my pants.

and, then i woke up.

and then i fell back to sleep. and that is all.

i don't actually ejaculate - i can't produce semen. but, this is just one example of a larger pattern - my body chemistry is changing in ways that i don't like, but i'm not associating those changes with sexual pleasure. rather, i'm interpreting it more like a type of bodily excretion - like urinating, or shitting. you have to shit sometimes, but you don't fantasize about it.

i just won't them cut out asap. ugh.

i need to be clear: i don't want any human contact during this period. please avoid talking to me.