something else to note on the doctor's visit, today...

my blood pressure was taken, as is normal for a physical. 118/79 is a little high for me, but pretty healthy. pulse: 62. a little weak on first glance, maybe. but, it is consistent with the amount of walking that i do (and my low cholesterol). that is, i appear to have the cardio-vascular health of a professional athlete. and, the truth is that i probably walk enough to more or less mimic the exercise routine of one. that was another two and a half hours of walking, today.
 
also, bmi: 19.9.

...so, it's just more evidence that i am ridiculously healthy. i'm uber-mensch. really.

but, i noticed when she was taking my blood pressure using the cuffs that it felt a little tight. i've noticed this before and asked them to be very gentle when they're doing it, because it tends to flat out hurt. i'm uber-mensch, but i'm also kind of delicate.

a flower?

anyways.

as per usual, it kind of hurt. it even left a bruise, which is now entirely healed, because uber-mensch. so, i made a mental note to make sure i'm more firm on the need to be gentle, next time.

when i got into the doctor's office, i looked down at my hand and noticed the inside of my thumb was swollen and throbbing and blue, as though cutting off the flow of blood had created some kind of backlog, which pooled the blood, making it physically looked like a giant, swollen bruise.

i asked him if he thought it was from the blood pressure cuffs being too tight (which seems to be the obvious cause), and he said it kind of made sense but he'd never seen it before, and it's kind of unbelievable that i could be that delicate, given that i'm so healthy.

maybe it's raynaud's disease, he said, which looks something like this:

he also suggested lupus, and proposed some bloodwork.

...but, i didn't see the need to come up with any other cause than the blood pressure cuffs and stuck with this story, however unlikely it may have been. it was mostly back to normal when i left, and is totally fine, now.

for, me this was actually one of those situations where you dread something happening for years and are kind of torn between being sure it will eventually happen and certain it never will....and then when it finally happens in front of you, you're kind of half excited and half mortified, and not really sure what to do.

at least i was in the doctor's office, right?

i need to be very strict about ensuring they are extra gentle, next time.

my gp has wpath.

score.

still need to find a surgeon...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hw7UeOxTGuM

i've been over this a few times previously, but i'll say it again: it's not that i arbitrarily think i'm more intelligent than you because i'm good at swiping picnic baskets or something.

the reality is that i consistently do absurdly well on intelligence tests. like, they had to tell me i was smart. it's not something i figured out through observation - it was tested, and the results were repeatedly demonstrable.

and, in fact, it's a curse. you don't get places in life by constantly existing on the outside, looking in. worse, you have difficulty understanding people.

consider my last government job process- and this was the last one i did, before i gave up on it. they had me write the gct2 and i end up in at least the 95th percentile on it - i say that because it's the best data i could find, but i did way, way better than the 95th percentile. it was probably more like 99th, but i can't show that. the gct2 is a basic iq test.

but, i walked into the interview, and two things happened. the first is that i scared them, because they'd never seen a score like that. one of the interviewers was convinced it was a typo - to the point where he didn't even take me seriously. how does a person respond to a situation where their interviewer thinks their iq scores are so high that they must be a typo, and then refuses to take them seriously? the second thing that happened is that i generated a sense of skepticism: "i don't think she's that smart".

well, i'm not convinced i'm that smart, either. but those fucking test scores seem to suggest i actually am. sorry.

they had me write a "situational awareness test" - and i failed it. this is workplace behaviour. i've failed it repeatedly. and, i'm fully convinced that there is a very strong connection between the fact that i get mensa-level iq test scores and can't pass a behavioural test. these are the same phenomena!

i'm actually pretty humble about it. you don't see me waving this around at people. i want to talk about issues as they are, not wave my iq scores in your face and demand you listen to me.

but, the reality is what it is. and, trust me: i have a higher iq than you do.

their database is fucked...

i dunno. maybe the gp knows somebody in windsor.

google isn't helping.

but, the database is throwing back stuff from the uk, from oregon....and somebody in oregon is offering therapy over the phone.

that's it: that's what i need. i have google voice. it's free. one of them has to accept this...

actually, the form is weird and inconsistent - i searched for "ontario" and only got two hits in toronto, but when i search for "ON" i get hits in hamilton and ottawa and guelph and in unclear places, too. i may have more option than i thought. need to look, more.

there's two qualified people in detroit, as well.

...so, i wonder if i could get them to fund consultations in detroit. well, i have access to detroit - i don't have access to toronto. the only way i can get to toronto and back is to hitch, and i'd probably have to spend the night. i'm getting too old for that...

it would probably even be cheaper for me to pay the doctor out of pocket in detroit than take the bus to toronto. how many times do i need to see a doctor to get them to sign off on this?

will the ministry even accept an american doctor?

hrmmn.

i think i should ask the ministry about whether the rec is appropriate or not, first. if i can find an email for them...

i saw the urologist for the follow-up today, and he admitted that he would be unwilling to do the surgery. his reasons were not well-founded; i think i was right about religion as the cause for refusal. but, i don't think that he is the only surgeon in the city.

so, i went and printed off the forms to take to my gp tomorrow. if i can get the forms filled out and the funding approved, i can worry about a surgeon afterwards.

the procedure is covered, and i just need to get two doctors to sign off. but, there's a twist: one of them needs to be trained in accordance with the "world professional association for transgender health" standards of care. that can't be that hard, though, right? this was supposed to liberalize access...

in fact, this is a lengthy training course. two years. it's not free, either. according to the wpath site, there are a total of two doctors in ontario that have these requirements, both in toronto.

so, before they liberalized access, i had to go to a special clinic in toronto. after they liberalized access, i have to go to specialized doctors in toronto. some liberalization.

i've sent out some emails explaining that this is fundamentally harm reduction to reduce the strain on my liver. i don't know what the reaction is going to be.

yet, it seems like i still have no access, here.

i don't see any reason why a doctor needs to have this training to recommend surgery. in the end, it's my liver that suffers - and the system that eventually pays to treat the cirrhosis, because it wouldn't give me the freedom to control my own transition.

the united states is a unique case, because it's a hegemon with no close competitors.

i mean, you're going to have a hard time getting a fiscal conservative streak out of me anyways, because it's not there. but, i'm going to rather propose a question: should the united states abolish taxes altogether?

"but who would pay for roads and schools and..."

they'd just print it. and, in fact, if you remove the arbitrary limits enforced by the budget process, they could build far more roads and far better schools.

it's just the reality on the ground: there's no really good reason that the united states government has to tax it's citizens, or pretend that it's restricted in spending by what it can raise in tax revenues. the whole premise is just bullshit. they can do whatever they want.

that's not true in a country like canada.

but, if i was living in the united states, i wouldn't be getting upset about the debt, i'd be arguing that there's no reason to pretend the situation is zero sum.

listen: i'm no fan of nafta. i'd like to see the isds thrown out, specifically. and, canada has huge natural resources, some of which should not be for sale at all. we'd be better off falling back to the fta and rebuilding.

we'd be better off. they wouldn't.

so, it was the tactic that pissed me off. they were offering us a benefit in the form of a threat. great - let's take advantage of it.

...except that the whole fucking world knew he was bluffing.

so, i'll ruefully respect the president's decision to not pull out of nafta for right now.

(*snickers*)