07-01-2016: on sexual confusion in adolescence

tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-did-your-mom-2
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/fuck-the-dead-3
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3

liberals don't believe that you build free societies through marginalization. rather, they believe that you build free societies through co-operation and development.

so, this isn't unexpected. it's standard liberal economics. rather, what was a little weird was watching the tories act like liberals - you would expect *them* to slap down sanctions and isolate them.

but, what we need in the region is some radical post-marxist neo-con regime change - or at least some vaguely lockean concept of a broken social contract. neither boycotts nor dialogue or going to open that society up.

i think a lot of the confusion over this has to do with the spectrum in the united states. so, let's get this straight, ok?

the democrats are conservatives. the republicans are marxists.

there are no liberals in the spectrum.

i mean, you get the perennial third party liberals - ralph nader and the green party, kind of thing. you've got, like, bill maher running his mouth off on tv. but, liberals basically simply don't exist at all in any meaningful politically organized way in the united states.

and, due to the length of time that the liberals have been out of power in canada and their virtual non-existence in mainstream media, it really seems like there's a lot of people in the canadian media that need a crash course in liberalism 101.

i think ignatieff was basically an imbecile. but, this is something he seemed to get. i guess he left for a while and came back and was astonished by the disconnect. if you look through the archives, you'll see that he made an honest attempt to have this discussion - to get this into the media discourse. hence, the question: what is a liberal? what is liberalism? what are liberal values?

all the media seems to want to push is the idea that liberals are basically a front for a couple of bankers, and they just throw out whatever they think will get them elected. but, this is just a bunch of talking points coming from the ndp - and, in fact, it's a rather pathetic set of them. we're talking about liberalism, here. about the only western system of philosophy with more literature attached to it than liberalism is christianity, and that's arguably an eastern system of thought. and, the media wants to claim this doesn't exist?

on issue after issue, there is a well-defined liberal position that usually has centuries worth of thinking attached to it. the reality is that the liberal party of canada reliably holds pretty close to the status quo of academic liberalism. over and over again. for a long time, now.

it would behoove the media to take the time to work this out.

no liberal ever, anywhere, has ever argued that you approach a regime like the saudis through boycotts.

that is a traditionally conservative position - the idea that good behaviour should be rewarded and bad behaviour should be punished.

again: liberals argue that you approach a regime like the saudis from a distance through trade liberalization, which opens up the society; marxists would argue that you need a revolution.

only conservatives would ever argue, ever, that you approach this through a system of punishment and reward.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/trudeau-advised-to-deepen-ties-with-saudi-arabia/article28058715/

the liberals have a long history of trade relationships with dictators. it's not passive pragmatism, or disinterest in human rights. it's basic liberal economic theory that you make things worse through boycotts and you make things better through engagement.

the problem is that liberalism died everywhere else in the western world when hitler made a fool out of chamberlain. canada is the only place it carried on, and the only place it still exists.

you will simply not see this government pick up any of the punitive trade policies that the conservatives/democrats were pushing. that kind of thing is not consistent with liberal foreign relations.

you may, however, see them fund democratizing-type institutions in certain places as they increase their trade footprint. the free flow of ideas is powerful, and liberals are confident that they can win those debates. but, a little funding helps, too.

multiple panelists danced around the issue, but nobody really came out and said it: you can't get good data on "wellness" by asking people. and you certainly can't do it cross-culturally, as you're just collecting cultural bias. robust, my ass. it's doomed...

doomed!

up here in canada, for example, we'd say that we're doing just fine - and thank you for asking. a negative response would actually be considered socially unacceptable, as it's burdening others with one's own problems. it's less of a social responsibility like you see with the brits, and more of a kind of a groupthink-driven social ostracism; that is, if you give a negative response, you won't get asked by that person again and will probably be ignored by them altogether. all that politeness isn't just hubris. we actually demand social pleasantries as a pre-condition for participation in society. we do allow for our few minutes of hate daily, but it only goes towards acceptable targets - like sitting politicians, or american hockey teams that are doing well. a canadian wellness survey really means absolutely nothing internally, and becomes little more than useless data when compared to similar results from, say, uganda.

it's a shame, though, because i do think that this is a better idea than gdp. i just haven't a clue as to how to measure it, and may perhaps lean towards the idea that it's just fundamentally qualitative and outside of the realm of quantitative analysis.

in a functioning democracy, one would think this would actually be measured at the ballot box.

publishing on sexual confusion in adolescence (inri013)

i have added a modified vocal reconstruction to the front of this ep and the 2013 remaster to the end of it, as a download only. that closes the ep.

i'll be permanently resequencing the first record next, but i need to get groceries this afternoon while it's nice, first.

==

this was not initially constructed as a standalone work, but it became one almost the moment that it was constructed. there was always an intent to combine the sexuality themed tracks together at the front of my first record, but the initial idea was something more like frontloading the disc than building a cohesive work. it just happened to build itself up that way, and was truly apparent as such on the very first listen. even the phantom of the opera cover in the middle of the track became topical in a sort of subversive way.

i first broke the piece off into a standalone file in the spring of 2014 as a mirror image to the sequence that ends my second record, which actually *was* consciously written as a single work all the way back in 1996 (and appears that way at the end of the very first demo tape). i thought that if the second record was going to have an epic then the first should as well. as the first six tracks had long been a subset in my mind, this was a natural thing to do. the title of the track was first published as an upload to youtube in mar, 2014 on the deathtokoalas channel, which is now deleted.

i did not initially number these tracks as symphonies due to their incorporation of childish vocals, although i had planned to include them on any symphonic compilation discs, nonetheless. i saw them more as proto-symphonies - or just as beginner epics, where i was finding my feet but ultimately still working out ideas.

it wasn't until i finished reclaiming my 1998 demos from tape at the end of 2015 that i realized that i could resequence my first two records from scratch and republish them as instrumental works. the ability to reclaim these two epics as instrumental works, and consequently as full symphonies, followed as a corollary of this. it was consequently not until january, 2016 that i finally elevated the instrumental reconstruction of this recording to the level of my first official symphony, which is where it will now exist into perpetuity: eternally, finally.

the focus in reconstruction was to erect a final version rather than conform to the original mix, so later versions were prioritized over earlier ones. the first through fourth sections are very similar to the original album mix, whereas the fifth and sixth sections have been replaced with expanded mixes.

once the instrumental version had been constructed for the record, i felt i had lost something by removing the vocals - or at least some of them. in the context of the improved master, i felt an edited vocal take could actually elevate the symphony to a different and surreal level, if presented in the right context. this context could not be on the record, though, which had to be fully instrumental. instead, i decided to place the vocal reconstruction as a standalone single, with the instrumental as a flip side to it.

this is an incredibly dense piece of music that i'm proud to finally place in the serious part of my discography.

written and demoed from 1994-1998. initially constructed in this form in june, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. sequenced on jan 6-7, 2016 from parts that were rebuilt over 2013-2016. released jan 7, 2016. this is my first symphony; as always, please use headphones.

section one: initially written & recorded in 1997. re-recorded in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. remastered from various sources on jan 6, 2016.

section two: initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed on july 18, 2015. sequenced jan 6, 2016. vocals added on jan 7, 2016.

section three: initially written by andrew lloyd webber. recorded in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. remastered from various sources on jan 6, 2016.

section four: originally created in jan, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed on july 5, 2015. expanded on jan 3, 2016 & sequenced on jan 6, 2016. vocals added on jan 7, 2016.

section five: written june, 1998. reimagined june, 2001. slightly rearranged and re-rendered at the end of july, 2014. rearranged again at the end of may, 2015. remastered from the 2014 & 2015 sources on jan 6, 2016.

section six: initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. vocals and electronics added on july 16, 2015. sequenced on jan 6, 2016.

credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, synthesizers, vocals, drum programming, orchestral & other sequencing, cool edit synthesis, sampling, found sounds (washing machine), metronome, digital wave editing, production

the rendered electronic orchestra includes piano, electric guitar, orchestra hit, pizzicato strings, synth pads, violin, viola, cello, contrabass, electric bass, tubular bells and flute.

released june 6, 1998

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence


1) written and demoed from 1994-1998. initially constructed in this form in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. sequenced on jan 6-7, 2016 from parts that were rebuilt over 2013-2016.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence-2


2) this is also the opening sequence (the first six tracks) of my first official record. written and demoed from 1994-1998. initially constructed in this form in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. sequenced on jan 6, 2016 from parts that were rebuilt over 2013-2016.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence-instrumental


3) deleted 2013 remaster of the opening sequence of the first record. written and demoed from 1994-1998. initially constructed in this form in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence-2013-remaster-of-1998-cd-mix-2

4) deleted original 1998 opening sequence of the first record. written and demoed from 1994-1998. initially constructed in this form in 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence-original-1998-cd-mix-2

fuck the dead (vocal reconstruction)

originally created in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. finally reconstructed in the summer of 2015 and extrapolated upon over the first half of 2016.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/fuck-the-dead-3

publishing i did your mom (inri009)

this is the final version of something i'd been playing with since about '94 or so, and by this time the track had become something that was beyond absurd. in a way, this is the culmination of everything i did in this period. it's the central track of my inri years: it's both the first thing i spent any time seriously writing and the ultimate realization of the musical ideas i was exploring. it's the longest track on the first demo. the drum programming is deep, there's an orchestration through sequencing, synth parts in the background, lead guitar work coming to the forefront - it's everything thrown together at a coherent level, really for the first time.

that this is the central track of this period maybe demonstrates how ridiculous i was and how ridiculous my musical vision was. maybe it also demonstrates just how young i was.

the remaining tracks in this period sort of pivot after this.

i should be clear: this is pretty much the most terrible song that you could possibly imagine existing, and that was kind of the intent. the shock value is entirely up front. but at the same time, it's just so terrible that it's kind of funny, and that was entirely intended as well.

you could maybe say something about how somebody like alice cooper ripping live chicken heads off in the middle of a performance is just about the most tyrannical thing you could imagine somebody getting away with on stage. it's just *so* ridiculous, that you can't help but laugh - even as you're horrified.

it's a phase a lot of teenagers go through. i guess the difference between me and a hundred thousand other kids is that i was exploring it through composition.

-

now that i'm an adult, this isn't something i would write or promote. yet, i sort of am by uploading it. the interest here is to document the existence of a troubled child. well, and to document myself - i was that troubled child.

the history of the track is perhaps a little less obnoxious than may be suspected. i was actually being taunted by somebody in the eighth grade. that person had never met and never would meet my mother. it's just a remark that young boys make. freudian analyses aside, i don't think there's really that much conscious thought put into it.

my decision to write a song about it was half a joke and half a response to being teased. i listened to and feigned laughter at a lot of oppressive jokes when i was younger; to an extent, i regret not speaking up, but i can state with honesty that i never felt comfortable taking part (now, self-deprecating humour, often of a sexual nature, is another thing). this reaction, on that "fuck you" level, shouldn't provide for any specific discomfort.

however, the fact that i explored the topic in a deeper level of depth than my taunters did perhaps might, and perhaps should. i need to bring you back to my aims in recording this early demo: i was trying to be as disturbing and shocking as i possibly could be. my taunters provided me with a particularly disturbing subject matter to explore, and i took full advantage of that.

this track is certainly disturbing and certainly shocking. success? well, i guess. looking back, i've always been torn between regret and satisfaction. i still am...

initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed & remixed on july 18, 2015. released jan 7, 2016. as always, please use headphones.

credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, vocals, drum programming, drum kit, synths, sequencers, sampling, digital wave editing, production

released march 20, 1998

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-did-your-mom-2


1) deleted original 1996 mix. initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-did-your-mom-original-1996-mix-2

2) deleted 1998 original, unsequenced mix from 112 kbps mp3. initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-did-your-mom-1998-archived-112-kbps-mp3-2

3) deleted 1998 cd mix. initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998.

4) 2013 remaster of 1996 demo cassette. initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. remastered in 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-did-your-mom-2013-remaster-of-1996-demo-mix


5) deleted 2013 remaster of 1998 demo cd. initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-did-your-mom-2013-remaster-of-1998-cd-mix


6) version reconstructed in 2015 from tape. initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed & remixed on july 18, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-did-your-mom-2015-instrumental-reconstruction-from-1998-source-tapes


7) initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed & remixed on july 18, 2015. vocals added and sequenced on jan 7, 2016.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-did-your-mom-4


8) initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed & remixed on july 18, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-did-your-mom-electronics-only-mix-cut

i did your mom (vocal reconstruction)

so...

i initially wanted a separate option to get this stuff without vocals, and was willing to leave the records as they were, as historical documents. so, there was no reason to mix in the vocals. after listening to how stark the difference is in quality, i cannot do that. and, if i'm going to reconstruct the records, i'd rather reconstruct them as instrumentals. that would mean there would be no vocal versions, except as badly mixed outtakes.

but, what i'm reconstructing as my first symphony loses context when you strip the vocals out - it's an interesting 36 minutes of music, but the thematic unity that made it a coherent piece of music is gone. so, i'm mixing the vocals back in to that 36 minute piece and releasing it on the ep.

sort of. i'm cutting some of the vocals out. there's just enough left to maintain the purpose of the piece.

.... which means i now have a vocal mix of 'mom' to put on the single, which i hadn't previously wanted to do - but which now makes sense.

see, deductions follow from assumptions. when assumptions change, deductions change. logic is actually quite a fluid system of thought. i went through a phase when that soured me on it, but i've come to appreciate it's defect as an asset.

i've taken out the vocals for the second half of the verses and the bridges, leaving only various statements of "i did your mom". this is self-censorship. it's less due to the fact that it's graphic or offensive, and more due to the fact that it's just weak. i mean, it was always meant to have this sort of detached, dark humour to it, but it's just....it's not very sophisticated. words were chosen because they rhyme. in hindsight, it comes off as less egregious on a social level and more egregious on a maturity level.

this will drive the symphony, and that is the intent. this add to the single is really just in the name of being thorough.

initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed & remixed on july 18, 2015. vocals added and sequenced on jan 7, 2016.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-did-your-mom-2015-full-reinterpretation-from-1998-source-tapes