i strongly recall there being a lengthy writeup about my day biking to leamington posted at roughly this time, but it appears to have disappeared. while i have toyed with writing a review now, which would be far more comprehensive than this playlist, i'm ultimately not confident that i would recreate the feeling i had over this day in the same way that i did then, and any writeup at this time would consequently necessarily be lacking. so, i would prefer to leave a post here calling out the barbarism of censorship, so that google can experience the shame of facilitating the silencing of a harmless person telling a harmless story about biking to the store to locate estrogen.

it was a good day, and i'm glad i at least filmed it.

but, shame on the entity, organization and individual that deleted this post, and then didn't even have the decency and courage to tell me it was deleted. and, shame on google for allowing them to do it.

https://dsdfghghfsdflgkfgkja.blogspot.com/2020/06/i-strongly-recall-there-being-lengthy.html

so, i've decided that i'm not going to rewrite the review that i wrote.

instead, i'm going to post this playlist here and also post it in sequence to june 19, 2020 with a note that a write-up appears to be missing.

and, i'm going to ask the people that stole my write-up from me to give it back to me.

then, i am going to adjust and ensure this can't happen ever again.

your memory is a funny thing,

i actually sorted through the google history thing and it seems as though i spent most of the morning of june 19th sorting though google maps and retracing my steps – indicating that i was indeed writing something, and using the map as a reference as i was doing it. so, there’s some evidence of that.

google doesn’t keep track of when i visited my blog, and my windows 7 laptop was in shambles so my firefox history stops in march. i checked archive.org, and nothing. so, this is what i have – evidence that i was writing something, and no trace of it.

but, i also vaguely recall deleting it. 

we can trick ourselves into thinking anything, right?

let me just rewrite this and move on.

i’ve said over and over that i have a zero tolerance policy for censorship, but:

- i’ve stated repeatedly that i don’t think this is about google because google has shown me what they do to censor files, and it is a process that allows for review. these posts are not just deleted, but the backups in my email are also deleted.

- that means i can’t prove anything, which is of course the point of it. how can i justify shutting down a massive site like this on a hunch?

- because i think it’s law enforcement in some abstraction, and on some order, i have little reason to think that moving somewhere else will make any difference, especially given the sheer size of this site.

- so, it’s more like i’m using this method to try to catch them, first. i keep saying i’ll react if i catch them. but, i have to catch them first......

even if i’m completely imagining things, this is still a far safer algorithm, and i suspect i may find it’s far ore efficient as well.

i’m going to do another blogger backup for now and wait it out.

right now, i really want to get that diet document updated....

i think we should plan for daily updates for now, but intend to phase it out a little.

yes, this is going to take some getting used to, and i may even end up in dopamine withdrawal or something.

alright, then. this is the first post directly to the archive.

pros:

- no delays on the servers, which was starting to get a little bit annoying

- full range of basic word formatting choices, from the start

- clears up resources on the chromebook

- i have a local copy that can’t be edited distantly

cons:

- the machine is completely offline, so i have to search for things and use the internet on one machine and type into another

- no direct hyperlinks or embeds

- this is fucking stupid, however necessary it obviously is

now, as it is, the focus of this blog is currently mostly on archiving, so posts here may acually even lay dormant until i catch up.

my immediate goal is that dirty run through the diet journal.

it's crystal clear that my master copy needs to be local, so it's out of the reach of the police.

and, the only reason i'm doing this is that they're deleting things - across platforms - and not even telling me about it.

what i'll need to do is just create a temporary word document and leave it on the usb key, and type right into it, using the format i've been archiving with.

every once in a while, i'll:

1) copy it to the master and

2) posts weeks worth of posts here at a time

i've been moving in that direction, anyways - i'm making archives, not blogs. the blog is just a step in between. so, this is more like a catalyst.

i want this space to continue to exist as it does in some abstraction, but this is the consequence of censorship - people evade the censors.

unfortunately, i can't read this external drive in xp and the chromebook can't read the codecs used by the camera. so, i can either copy the data from the external to a usb key and put it on the xp machine, or i can just upload it to youtube.

i need to reimage my busted up windows 7 laptop before i can even consider repurposing it. so, i'm just uploading it as a playlist to youtube..

and, i can start setting up the production machine for typing, while i'm waiting.

regarding the ram/board issue on the 32-bit system...

i took a known good stick and tried it in all four slots, and there was one that took a few tries, which isn't entirely unusual with old boards - they even just get dusty, sometimes. so, i'm going to try to leave it on with just the known good in the dusty slot and see if it halts or not.

these asus boards don't die (i have one from 1998 and one from 2006 that are both still running, and a third in a box from 2016), but they do get dusty and need to be reseated. let's hope it's that easy.

and, i'm going to have to start typing on the production machine, instead.

so, what that means is that posts to this page will no longer be in real time, but will instead occur in the form of backdated posts and in large chunks every few hours or even every few days.

blame the fucking pigs.

i am going to repeat this request to the listener, whomever they are:

1) please identify yourself

2) please give me back the data you've stolen

3) then, fuck off

i'm going to do the write-up, now.

again: i don't understand why somebody would delete a reflective post about bicycling to leamington, but i have vlog footage and i should be able to reconstruct the day relatively well.

i can't reconstruct reflections or feelings that were lost in the government's censorship, which was done under the cloak of stealth, and neither gave me the opportunity to respond nor informed me of what the complaint was. those are lost, and all that can be done is rightfully accuse the state of engaging in the barbarity of book-burning, under the tyranny of religious zealotry. this is why all religion, and the self--righteousness of moralism and religious zeal in greater abstraction, even without a bankrupt theology, must be opposed and eradicated. this is why we have to fight - they will erase your memories, and they will be arrogant enough to think it's some twisted concept of justice. they cannot have any power, for that reason. and, i don't even like letting them worship in quiet rooms by themselves, as the threat of them enforcing their values on others can never be eliminated until they are eliminated themselves.

this applies across the spectrum - christans, muslims, jews, hindus, and this new conservative moralism masquerading itself on the fake left, through the cover of corporatist domination. the lot of them, they must be destroyed.

that said, my best guess is that a cop somehow got access to this, and just went trigger happy with the delete button, in order to try to delete a lot of evidence; about the only thing that makes sense is that these posts were, in truth, deleted without reading them carefully, because the cops wanted to cover their trail as much as possible. i'm just guessing - they've provided me with no information to go upon. but, to suggest that these particular posts were targeted just doesn't make the slightest bit of sense. the posts had to be deleted as a part of some broader scrubbing process, and this has to be some kind of collateral damage.

but, however they got access to my site in the first place must reduce to a concept of religious zealotry, of overbearing self-righteous moralism, of the insistence that their perception of reality is correct and every other's needs to be deleted. and, i will repeat a claim i've been making for some time, now: identify yourself, you fucking cowards.

if you don't like something i've posted, address me about it so that we can have a debate about it. don't use some legal backdoor to sneak into my account and delete my memories, and then not even tell me about it. that's not just an invasion of privacy, and an invasion of rights, it's all of the above done in the most cowardly and childish manner possible.

now, what does that mean going forwards?

i've been posting here as a temp space, and sending backups to my email address. the intent has always been to archive it over time and rebuild it as required. but, i seem to have some kind of fucking pig listening to me at all times, and they seem to just delete things at random - including backups.

so, i'm going to have to flip this over - rather than post here temporarily and archive it later, i'm going to post directly to the archive, and build it up here over time. and, that shift is going to be almost immediate.

and, i'm gong to have to keep the archives in my pocket when i'm out.

we're really walking down that path in what is supposed to be a free society. but, when even your email isn't safe, it's time to reapproach the internet.

that will be difficult to make sense of, at first, but i'll figure it out.

i'm not very social right now, i'll have to wait until tomorrow to make those calls.

this is also the period when i launched legal action against the hospital for refusing to treat me, and accused the doctors of being transphobic bigots that were basing decisions on their religious beliefs rather than on science.

so, does it have something to do with that?

something very unfortunate happened some time after mid-june, 2020 that affected posts dated from about june 20,2020 to about july 30, 2020 and there was substantive data loss across the blogger platform, and in two of my email archives for posts dating to that period. it might not have been a singular event, but it was worse over that period.

i did not detect any data loss when i was "catching up" over august, 2020.

somebody then tried to cancel my account in nov, 2020 - which is when i made the backup closest to the date, by which time the damage had been done.

so, that's the time window i'm look at for some kind of destructive action, presumably by some police agency - fall, 2020.

and, now i'm too sad to eat breakfast - i'm going to take a nap, instead.

so, i'm trying to build a file that documents the substantive research i've put into fixing any dietary deficits i've had, something i've been doing for the last several months, and i'd like to include a write-up i'm sure i wrote about a bicycle ride to leamington to pick up brand name estrace in june of 2020.

but, the post has completely vanished, along with any email references to it.

and, sadly, i therefore cannot do that.

the only way out of this would be to start typing into a word document instead of posting it to the internet, but that defeats a lot of the point.

nonetheless, i'm nearly there.

right now, all i have are very strong suspicions that posts are missing and a strong desire to have them returned. but, should the evidence become strong enough, the place i'm going to migrate the blog to is offline - and i'll post monthly updates to a file at google drive or something, instead.

there's no ulterior motive. there's no angle. there's no master plan.

it's just where i record what i'm thinking, with the purpose of organizing it later.

and, because i think the issue is law enforcement rather than google, i don't think moving platforms would be worthwhile.

rather, i need to request that law enforcement contact me about why they're doing this, so that we can put together some steps to get it to stop. listening in on what i'm doing and filtering my thoughts is exceedingly invasive, and i can't begin to grasp what an end to such a thing would actually be.

if you think i'm a russian spy or something, then present me with the charges and allow the process to work itself out in a court of law - or fuck off and leave me alone.

and, give me back what you've taken from me, which is of no monetary value, of no legal worth and of no sentimental value to anybody but myself.

....and i don't want them to be worth anything to anybody but me.

i don't want to charge a fee to read this, because that's not what this is.

these are my personal thoughts; they're not worth anything to anybody except for me.

i can't recreate the memories by staring at the screen.

but, i need to plead with the person doing this: give me my posts back, so that i can place these memories where they belong in my journal.

it's of no consequence to anybody but me. but, it's invaluable to me.

well, what else am i supposed to do to archive this?

i'm emailing it to multiple inboxes and checking that every post shows up in the inbox. what else is there to do? 

should i screenshot it every three seconds, and carry the screenshots in a lockbox around my neck, or my pelvis?

i mean, really.

somebody wants these posts deleted, and is going to extreme steps to be thorough. and, the things they delete make no sense to me....

i remember talking about how everything was wilderness in every direction, growing up in ottawa...

these are just memories.

they mean nothing to anyone, except me.

i also remember talking about county road 34, and how it was a very old road....

i can't grasp why anybody would delete these kinds of things. 

and, these are consistently the types of things that get deleted, too - thoroughly. with no trace....

please give me back the memories that you've stolen from me - in my email, at least, if not in this space.

i won't ask questions.

i just want them back.

the other thing that's just baffling to me about all of this is that the things that disappear are just consistently trivial.

what i'm looking for is just a write-up of a day that i went for a bike ride across the region - a simple thing that is really of no value or consequence or remote meaning to anybody else, but is invaluable to myself, as the person writing it, as a memory, as a historical record. to a nerd like me, that write-up is like taking a picture - that's how i remember things, through stories and writings, and not through visuals.

why would anybody decide to erase somebody's memories like that?

i don't understand.

it's one thing to delete something from public view; i may oppose it on principle, but we can debate and discuss that.

it's another thing altogether to go into not one but two separate email boxes and delete the files.

and, i strongly suspect that that is actually happening - but i can't prove it, because the email record is the backup.

this is my life.

i want anything that is taken from here to be put back where it belongs, please.

i also remember pointing out that i made it home before dark, and also talking about the little towns on the way there.

but, the write-ups for the ride to tilbury and amherstburg are still there. so, why would some government agency delete the writeup for the ride to leamington?

it's just this constant feeling that things are missing, and never being able to find any trace of it...and, if there's any truth to it, if i'm legitimately under that depth of monitoring, there's three things i need to understand:

1) why?

2) can i get it back? like, if whoever is doing this just restores everything, i won't ask questions about it, i'll just carry on.

3) is this permanent? that is, is this going to continue to my death and past it? why?

if i'm right that the post was deleted, it was also deleted from two separate email boxes.

yes - it's hard to take that premise seriously.

but, why am i so sure i wrote it up, then?

see, again...

i'm almost certain i did a write-up for the bike ride to leamington in june, 2020. i remember talking about how it doesn't really feel like you've left the city, i remember talking about avoiding trucks and biking through dirt, i remember mentioning the wind and i remember narrating the places i stopped to smoke at.

there's no trace of this.

but, why, exactly would somebody want to delete a post about bicycling to leamington? i don't understand that...

so, am i imagining it? is it that i talked into the vlog, instead, and am confusing myself?

there should be a post talking about the bike ride, at the least. alas.

so, what is a right-wing perspective on the encroaching islamicization of western society?

well, the answer is this: read edmund burke, who actually called for the kind of "religious tolerance" that we associate with bourgeois liberalism, nowadays. but, then read marx and put it into perspective as to why.

this spectrum flip isn't unique, but it's endemic.

if burke was writing today, everybody would call him a liberal, and republicans would smear him as a socialist. but, he wouldn't be - he'd be the actual conservative, and the actual conservative position on religion is to be tolerant of it, so long as you pay your taxes and do what the queen says.

the formatting here is awful, but we've got up until the end of may done.

if marx (or bakunin) were alive and writing today, the media would label him a far-right extremist.

today's post is the first rabit is wolf recording with the alternate singer, sean, but it's just a tease, until it becomes my primary focus to start 2002 (which is only actually a few months, even if seems longer in the sequence). pretty much all of the tracks that i finished over 2002 were started in mid to late 2001, but only this track actually gets a release date in that space, as i was finishing up other loose ends and really waiting for the guitarist that initiated the thing, jon, to engage (and he never did). there were other things happening that fall that were distracting, as well - as anybody that lived through it no doubt remembers.

i at least had a larger base of commonality with sean, and had at that point known him for a lot longer, as well. we were in the same group of friends, but we went through most of high school without talking much. the commonalities were always defined by contradictions. so, for example, i was a giant nine inch nails fan at that stage, whereas he was huge into marilyn manson - a commonality, but quite the contradiction, too. we both spent all of our times in front of computers, but i was doing music and reading (and excelled academically), whereas he played tons of video games and did very badly in school. we were both exceedingly introverted, but i was a legit loner and he pretty much always had a girlfriend. i was into tortoise; he was into mogwai. i liked early industrial; he liked early post-punk. etc.

i talk about this a little more on the bandcamp pages, and the story will develop there, but i'm only stopping to take note of this because the presence of an alternate singer - in fact of anybody else in the recording at all - is something that dramatically sets these recordings aside as very different than my mostly instrumental output, or my often tertiary vocal additions, later on. the fact that i was writing for a singer also sets the tracks aside.

in a few moments of honesty, sean admitted that he was often trying to emulate the vocal tracks from my inri period, as he was one of the few people that ended up with a copy of the cds (iirc, by his request). he's also admitted that several of the tracks are actually about me. so, there's something deeper to allowing sean to front these pieces than may be initially apparent.

but, this phase is different, and requires that explanation - i am not singing on this recording (except in the acoustic demo, where the vocals are just meant as a placeholder for sean to eventually pick up on). that's somebody else...

this is catalogued nowadays as inri049. that's how long it took for me to get somebody else on a recording.

====

rabit is wolf arose accidentally from the cynicide project (inri048), but produced far more material in the end. what happened was sean and i showed up to a few jam sessions and the guitarist (jon - it was his band) didn't, so we started writing some material without him... 

initially, the intent was to include rather than exclude jon but he quickly developed a disinterest due to a variety of obvious if never fully articulated reasons. i was playing guitar parts on the demos, which he couldn't deal with. we were doing joy division songs, which were outside of his sphere of interest. we were writing without him, which made him feel unimportant. we were talking about songs without drums, which he wasn't interested in at all. etc. however, he did record a guitar part (that i wrote) that was never replaced. 

upon release in 2014, this was a collection of demos from the first month of rabit is wolf, which included multiple versions of the title track and a joy division cover. in the end, none of this would be released in the form it's in here (which was only available for download), but it created a cohesive (if short) introduction to what followed that was self-contained in a historical context. stated differently, this was the first (post-punk) incarnation of rabit is wolf. 

in oct of 2017, this release was expanded to act as a comprehensive exploration of this track and made available for physical purchase. seven further versions were added: three from 2002, three from 2014/2015 and one from 2010. disc finalized on oct 21, 2017. 

i don't analyse sean's lyrics, but the subject matter is clearly that of contemplating suicide - i believe from the perspective of an imagined character. 

written and recorded in the fall of 2001. released on sept 6, 2014. expanded, re-released and finalized on oct 21, 2017. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of the track (track 11) appears on the rabit is wolf demo (inri057): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/rabit-is-wolf 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (2001, 2002, 2010, 2014, 2015, 2017). 

released october 15, 2001 

j - bass, guitars, synths, programming, writing, production 

sean - vocals, writing 

jon - guitar performance (6-8, 10-11, 13)