and, is my testosterone reduction permanent? if i went off the testosterone suppressors, would the testosterone come back?
there's some debate on the point.
what i want to do is to actually remove the testicles from my body, but it's taking a very long time to get done. then, the answer will be no - i'll never get the testosterone production back.
in the mean time, is there a window of reversal? they used to say 'no', but now they're saying 'it depends', i guess because they found some counterexamples.
i'm getting mixed signals from my biology. i think that my testosterone levels were probably low to begin with, which is probably genetic or epigenetic, and that this probably has a lot to do with the issue in the first place. as such, i'd suspect that i'm probably the type that has lost a fair amount of testicular function.
but, the reason i want them out is because i do think that my levels fluctuate, and i want that to stop - i just want perpetual zero testosterone.
Sunday, December 15, 2019
so, what would happen if i started lifting weights?
the answer is actually not much.
i mean, it would have some effect, surely. but, due to the almost total absence of testosterone, i would be unable to build chest or arm muscle in any seriously substantive way. rather, i would end up carrying through with more of a "toning" process, where i might firm up existing fat but not actually gain any weight.
i'm not interested in doing that experiment. but, i'm pretty confident that it would have a minimal effect.
the answer is actually not much.
i mean, it would have some effect, surely. but, due to the almost total absence of testosterone, i would be unable to build chest or arm muscle in any seriously substantive way. rather, i would end up carrying through with more of a "toning" process, where i might firm up existing fat but not actually gain any weight.
i'm not interested in doing that experiment. but, i'm pretty confident that it would have a minimal effect.
no, let's have this talk.
we've had it before.
i get my testosterone tested every year, and do you know what it says and has said every year since about 2010?
testosterone: trace amounts
i have less testosterone than most cis-women, actually. the amount of testosterone suppression that i take is so powerful that it's essentially just down to food. my testicles are still in there (although i've been trying to get rid of them for a while...), but i've essentially turned them off, entirely - they're just a cancer risk at this point, really. they haven't produced any testosterone since obama's first term in office.
a person that has essentially zero testosterone production is essentially unable to build muscle.
further, do you know how much estrogen i take everyday? the answer is 8 mg. now, only a small amount of that actually gets into the bloodstream, but it's also constant for me, that is that i don't have a cycle. so, the amount of estrogen in my blood is also going to be consistently substantively higher than the amount in your average ciswoman.
i'll repeat: i have less testosterone and more estrogen in my chemistry than almost any ciswoman you'll meet on the street.
so, am i more female then? well, that would be a strange definition of female, granted. but, in the sense that gender is genetic, it is only up to hormones.
the difference between an xx and an xy embryo is actually which hormones are coded for. in the xx child, the gonads are converted into ovaries because of the presence of estrogen; in the xy embryo, the testes descend only in the presence of testosterone. so, that is what the chromosomal difference actually is - which hormones are coded for. so, if you take an xx embryo and flush it in testosterone, the gonads actually turn into testicles, because it's the hormone that actually determines the sex. likewise, an xy embryo will develop ovaries in the presence of estrogen.
humans can't currently undo our gonad specification, but some species can. and, the premise of converting testicles back into gonads and then into ovaries (and vice versa) doesn't strike me as outside of the realm of future science, even if doing so may not be so useful, in the absence of a more specialized biology.
the point is that it's the hormones that are fundamental in determining sex, not the chromosomes; all the sex chromosomes do is flip a bit on the hormone that develops the embryo, and then the hormone does all of the work.
so, if a person has zero testosterone and above normal levels of estrogen than that person is chemically female in very profound ways that transcend which organs are present and need to be understood. for example, that person will have fat and muscle deposition patterns that are more likely to straddle female averages than male averages, because they're being directed by female rather than male hormones. and, over time, even the bone structure would be expected to change, in the near absence of testosterone, and the overabundance of estrogen.
and, what that means is that a transwoman is going to have upper body strength that falls into normal female variability, rather than normal male variability.
that's the actual science.
don't listen to people that want to tell you otherwise.
we've had it before.
i get my testosterone tested every year, and do you know what it says and has said every year since about 2010?
testosterone: trace amounts
i have less testosterone than most cis-women, actually. the amount of testosterone suppression that i take is so powerful that it's essentially just down to food. my testicles are still in there (although i've been trying to get rid of them for a while...), but i've essentially turned them off, entirely - they're just a cancer risk at this point, really. they haven't produced any testosterone since obama's first term in office.
a person that has essentially zero testosterone production is essentially unable to build muscle.
further, do you know how much estrogen i take everyday? the answer is 8 mg. now, only a small amount of that actually gets into the bloodstream, but it's also constant for me, that is that i don't have a cycle. so, the amount of estrogen in my blood is also going to be consistently substantively higher than the amount in your average ciswoman.
i'll repeat: i have less testosterone and more estrogen in my chemistry than almost any ciswoman you'll meet on the street.
so, am i more female then? well, that would be a strange definition of female, granted. but, in the sense that gender is genetic, it is only up to hormones.
the difference between an xx and an xy embryo is actually which hormones are coded for. in the xx child, the gonads are converted into ovaries because of the presence of estrogen; in the xy embryo, the testes descend only in the presence of testosterone. so, that is what the chromosomal difference actually is - which hormones are coded for. so, if you take an xx embryo and flush it in testosterone, the gonads actually turn into testicles, because it's the hormone that actually determines the sex. likewise, an xy embryo will develop ovaries in the presence of estrogen.
humans can't currently undo our gonad specification, but some species can. and, the premise of converting testicles back into gonads and then into ovaries (and vice versa) doesn't strike me as outside of the realm of future science, even if doing so may not be so useful, in the absence of a more specialized biology.
the point is that it's the hormones that are fundamental in determining sex, not the chromosomes; all the sex chromosomes do is flip a bit on the hormone that develops the embryo, and then the hormone does all of the work.
so, if a person has zero testosterone and above normal levels of estrogen than that person is chemically female in very profound ways that transcend which organs are present and need to be understood. for example, that person will have fat and muscle deposition patterns that are more likely to straddle female averages than male averages, because they're being directed by female rather than male hormones. and, over time, even the bone structure would be expected to change, in the near absence of testosterone, and the overabundance of estrogen.
and, what that means is that a transwoman is going to have upper body strength that falls into normal female variability, rather than normal male variability.
that's the actual science.
don't listen to people that want to tell you otherwise.
and, i need to repeat the point: if i had not been able to squeeze out of that pit, i would have been crushed in it.
i would not have been able to withstand the pressure of multiple grown men pushing against me in close quarters like that. i would have been hurt.
these guys usually know how to act, they usually know who to hit and who to avoid, and i'm not usually a target. i don't actually know why i got misinterpreted all of a sudden on this night, other than some specific people with some poorly worked through thought processes. like, i'm just concluding that there was a stupid person there, basically, and hoping that the point gets across to that person and they smarten up in the future.
the point is that you can't treat me like a guy in these scenarios - that's a recipe for disaster, an algorithm for harm. if you take a run at me, i'll just fall over. if you squeeze me, you'll just crush me. i have no upper body strength at all. i'm biochemically a skinny female, and need to be treated that way.
i would not have been able to withstand the pressure of multiple grown men pushing against me in close quarters like that. i would have been hurt.
these guys usually know how to act, they usually know who to hit and who to avoid, and i'm not usually a target. i don't actually know why i got misinterpreted all of a sudden on this night, other than some specific people with some poorly worked through thought processes. like, i'm just concluding that there was a stupid person there, basically, and hoping that the point gets across to that person and they smarten up in the future.
the point is that you can't treat me like a guy in these scenarios - that's a recipe for disaster, an algorithm for harm. if you take a run at me, i'll just fall over. if you squeeze me, you'll just crush me. i have no upper body strength at all. i'm biochemically a skinny female, and need to be treated that way.
if i would have participated in that mosh pit, i would have ended up seriously hurt.
i was wearing a bright red overcoat (in a sea of black) and heavy makeup. i stood out as pretty obviously queer.
i was standing on the edge of the pit, which is where i often stand - about as close as i can get without getting plowed. sometimes, i misjudge and have to get out when people fall on me or otherwise start going. but, i rarely get run at like that, or expected to help start a pit that it should have been obvious that i didn't want to be in at all. the grown men that were creating and instigating this pit should have interpreted me properly as a 130 pound effeminate female and pushed me out, not misinterpreted me as a dominant male and tried to pull me in.
there's no logic in what happened.
maybe i could have stood a few feet further back. it's hard to figure that out before hand; if i knew what the boundaries of the pit were going to be beforehand, i would have stood a bit further back.
but, there was nonetheless a blatantly absurd error in judgement that i have a right to call out and be irked about, and to stress some changes for in the future - don't bodyslam the transwomen!
i was wearing a bright red overcoat (in a sea of black) and heavy makeup. i stood out as pretty obviously queer.
i was standing on the edge of the pit, which is where i often stand - about as close as i can get without getting plowed. sometimes, i misjudge and have to get out when people fall on me or otherwise start going. but, i rarely get run at like that, or expected to help start a pit that it should have been obvious that i didn't want to be in at all. the grown men that were creating and instigating this pit should have interpreted me properly as a 130 pound effeminate female and pushed me out, not misinterpreted me as a dominant male and tried to pull me in.
there's no logic in what happened.
maybe i could have stood a few feet further back. it's hard to figure that out before hand; if i knew what the boundaries of the pit were going to be beforehand, i would have stood a bit further back.
but, there was nonetheless a blatantly absurd error in judgement that i have a right to call out and be irked about, and to stress some changes for in the future - don't bodyslam the transwomen!
if i had been able to save my drink, i probably would have stayed, and i would have probably gotten into a shouting match with the person that bodyslammed me. i was not happy about it.
so, it's maybe better that i left.
but, the actual reason that i left was that i had nothing left to drink and thought i could catch the bus.
so, it's maybe better that i left.
but, the actual reason that i left was that i had nothing left to drink and thought i could catch the bus.
and, to be clear: the trumbullplex is actually a pretty queer-friendly venue. they actually have a "bros stand back" policy that is usually in force. it's not somewhere where you'd expect to have somebody take a run at you, like that. and, the other people there were beyond friendly and accepting.
but, apparently, the pa got demoed that night, too; there were some hooligans there, on that night, that don't really reflect the venue well.
i was not hurt. i'm ok. and, i don't think anybody wanted to hurt me - i think somebody thought i really wanted to get into a pushing match with them, and was actually disappointed when i fell over and spilled my drink, and essentially ran off, instead. my jordan peterson citation is not ironic, it's probably realistic. and, this is an example of the kinds of problems that that kind of literature creates - i essentially got pushed around by somebody that's been taught that i'm really a man, after all.
and, i just need to stress the point as clearly as i can: the premise that i'd want to get into a fight or slam dance or mosh is moronic. the idea that anything else than what happened would have happened is stupid. and, if somebody thought that i was going to actually mosh, all 130 pounds of me, then they were just being idiotic about it.
they should have expected me to fall over, and they should have expected me to bruise.
and, they need to adjust their behaviour so that they're not bodyslamming transwomen, and expecting them to react like men - what they've been taught via ignorance needs to be undone via evidence.
but, apparently, the pa got demoed that night, too; there were some hooligans there, on that night, that don't really reflect the venue well.
i was not hurt. i'm ok. and, i don't think anybody wanted to hurt me - i think somebody thought i really wanted to get into a pushing match with them, and was actually disappointed when i fell over and spilled my drink, and essentially ran off, instead. my jordan peterson citation is not ironic, it's probably realistic. and, this is an example of the kinds of problems that that kind of literature creates - i essentially got pushed around by somebody that's been taught that i'm really a man, after all.
and, i just need to stress the point as clearly as i can: the premise that i'd want to get into a fight or slam dance or mosh is moronic. the idea that anything else than what happened would have happened is stupid. and, if somebody thought that i was going to actually mosh, all 130 pounds of me, then they were just being idiotic about it.
they should have expected me to fall over, and they should have expected me to bruise.
and, they need to adjust their behaviour so that they're not bodyslamming transwomen, and expecting them to react like men - what they've been taught via ignorance needs to be undone via evidence.
do i think somebody was trying to hurt me?
no.
i think that a very immature boy decided he'd try to prove i was tough enough to take a hit - and instead proved the exact opposite, as he knocked me and my drink over, and left a bruise on my thigh. so much for your jordan peterson, dipshit.
it should be obvious that you don't bodyslam the transgirls and, if it isn't, let's state it explicitly: don't bodyslam the transgirls.
no.
i think that a very immature boy decided he'd try to prove i was tough enough to take a hit - and instead proved the exact opposite, as he knocked me and my drink over, and left a bruise on my thigh. so much for your jordan peterson, dipshit.
it should be obvious that you don't bodyslam the transgirls and, if it isn't, let's state it explicitly: don't bodyslam the transgirls.
i spent a little time on friday morning wondering about attending the no rest fest, concluding before i slept that it seemed like a worthwhile spectacle, and was even toying with the idea of hanging out somewhere all morning and dropping by the trumbullplex in the afternoon. i decided in the morning that i'd end up spending $10 on food and whatever else by staying in detroit anyways, so i'd might as well go home and get some rest, then make the choice in the afternoon. and, i initially had decided against it. but, i really felt the urge to experience this, for the hell of it.
i was also hoping that i might stumble into a drummer, as the band is known for high-end guest drummer spots.
this time, i went right to the station to get tickets, and i caught the bus relatively easily. i stayed on the bus to rosa parks, a rare detour, and got off to find a liquor store on the way to the trumbullplex. the other attraction of this night is it's low price tag - $5 cover, in a byob space. so, that's a $10 night. yeah.
i was there around 10:00-10:30-ish and the place was really in mayhem from the getgo. i had to get in immediate line for the washroom, which took me the length of somebody's set to get into, and then spent a little time stumbling around outside, and i'm not entirely sure what i missed. i think it was initially a female singer, but that would probably mean that solemn judgement played earlier than is listed.
regardless, this is the list that was posted. i was simply not paying attention, initially. i think i saw reverend leave in a distressed huff when i came in, so that would be consistent with coming in between 10:00 and 10:30.
i think the band i caught on the way out of the washroom was shock narcotic, which is actually kind of a
local supergroup, with members of child bite, dillinger escape plan and
black dahlia murders. i didn't get much out of this...
i then went out for a smoke and, after having a brief talk about genghis tron (are they still going?)
and ministry (al's lost it.)
in reference to the previous act, was handed a multiple gram pre-roll that may at part be to blame for the sickness i experienced over the next few days. this was a philly, by any other name, but it was rolled more like a cocoon, and you may have been forgiven for thinking that's what it was. but, we're talking something that's a good inch in diameter, and three or four long. call it a stubby, even. but, it was a big joint, and i smoked through about three quarters of it before i handed it off.
the person that gave it to me was impressed, even, by how much of it that i managed to smoke. and, i think i felt it a few days later...
how did i get this joint? i don't know, exactly. well, i know how - it was handed to me. the why isn't totally clear. according to the person that gave it to me, he rolled up a total of seven of these huge joints and gave them to people he recognized and thought were cool. i got the seventh and final seal:
1 And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.
2 And I saw the seven angels which stood before God; and to them were given seven trumpets.
3 And another angel came and stood at the altar, having a golden censer; and there was given unto him much incense, that he should offer [it] with the prayers of all saints upon the golden altar which was before the throne.
4 And the smoke of the incense, [which came] with the prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the angel's hand.
5 And the angel took the censer, and filled it with fire of the altar, and cast [it] into the earth: and there were voices, and thunderings, and lightnings, and an earthquake.
6 And the seven angels which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound.
Revelation 16:1
hey, if jesus wants a toke he's welcome to get in on this....
sarah would tell them not to encourage me in my jesus freak delusions. but, hey. i got the seventh seal. incense, pot, whatever. you don't think that's a coincidence, do you? so, check your potato chips for signs of the return. maybe it's been set in motion.
all absurdities aside, i didn't entirely prod about the reasons for the seven joints, i just accepted my good fortune and sparked it up. we had previously had a discussion about colin marston, which is the root determination of his decision that i was cool - i had just pulled that colin marston reference out of my ass, randomly, in mid-conversation, and it was impressive enough to land me a free philly months later. score.
behold...
anyways, was there some jesus freak symbolism going on? i don't know. i doubt he knew the can of worms he was opening, if there was.
i do know that the gift got me pretty stoned, though, and that i went in to catch something that was playing midset, after having a chat around the fire on the side. the drumming kind of pulled me in. i think this was snafu, which is not the 90s skate punk band of the same name but a more recent act from detroit. they were better from a distance. this is a from a few years ago:
i was then out for another smoke and back in to use the washroom, thinking it was close to midnight.
when i got out of the washroom, one of the first things i remember hearing was "we're strange magic, and if you didn't know it then now you fucking know". so, there's my reference point, and this is where the night starts to take a bit of a turn.
first, watch this video of the strange magic set:
do you see where he says to pass that vcr around? i must have been in the bathroom at that point. when i came out, the vcr was still going around, and eventually ended up passed towards me from behind; as i was oblivious to the circumstances, and didn't see it coming from behind me, it landed directly on my head.
i had no idea what happened at this point, other than that i'd been attacked by or with some kind of electronic equipment. my first reaction was to try to determine if somebody was trying to hurt me, and i was pretty quickly able to determine that it didn't appear to be malicious - people were just being silly (perhaps irresponsible, but just silly.) and i ended up in the middle of it by accident. so, i kind of had little choice but to play along with it.
"wait. what was that?"
"i think it was like a computer or something"
"like, a pc tower?"
"yeah."
"what? so, i just got attacked by somebody's computer?"
"apparently."
"wait. no. i want to determine the identity of the technology that just assaulted me. somebody tell me what that was."
"it was a vcr."
"a vcr?"
"yeah."
"in 2019?"
"yeah."
"a vcr?"
"YEAH!"
"so, i was just randomly assaulted by 80s technology, then"
"it was early 90s, tops."
"fuck."
so, what else do you do? i went for a smoke. and, i asked around - is there a bruise on my head?
(i discovered in the morning that there was actually a bruise on my head)
and, then it appeared, outside - the vcr, on the ramp into the trumbullplex. well, you know it was payback time, after that. it got a good stomping on, and it deserved it. fucker. until...
"hey! that's my vcr!"
i caught most of tart's set. this is a subset of a recent style of female-fronted punk that is written for a male audience, and intends to make that male audience feel uncomfortable. that's the intended experience: to writhe uncomfortably at what's occurring in front of you. and, my general reaction to this is that it doesn't really serve much of a purpose. i'm going to tend to want to look past it and try and see what else they're doing; this particular act was a little on the poppy side. there's a sample here:
the last thing up was the armed, and remember that these are fifteen minute sets, so it wasn't much of a show. unfortunately, i stood in the wrong part of the audience.
i'll state this flat out: i don't understand why people think i want to mosh. i'm an openly transgendered person that introduces myself as jessica and wears women's clothing when i'm out. i modulate between 120-140 pounds, none of it muscle. i'm 5 ' 8". it should be obvious what's going to happen if you take a run at me: i'm going to get knocked over like the petite, effeminate woman that i am.
so, that's what happened - somebody took a run at me, and i almost fell over and had the drink knocked out of my hand in the process, as should have been the obvious outcome to anybody that wasn't stupid. no, i'm not going to be able to withstand a body check by a grown man, and you're a moron if that's what you thought would happen. the person that slammed me may want to know that he also bruised my thigh; he should really be very proud of himself for leaving a mark on a girl. idiot.....
so, that was what i experienced - a sudden mosh pit that i spent the next ten minutes trying to get out of. and, while that isn't the first time that i found myself trying to get out of a pit that materialized out of nowhere, the crowded nature of the space made it a little harder to get out than normal, and the short nature of the set meant that there wasn't much time to readjust. it really wasn't very much fun, and i really didn't get a chance to listen to much of anything, as i was just trying to get out of the pit. and, then it was done, and the only substantive thing that had happened was that i'd lost my drink.
i actually was hoping to hang out there for a while, but it didn't make sense to stay there anymore, once i'd lost my drink. i checked the time - 12:45. if that was right, i could conceivably catch the bus; i'd made that walk in a shorter amount of time. so, i was out...
if i still had my drink, i would have stayed. but, i think i was actually a little miffed at getting slammed and didn't really want to sit around to talk to the person that hit me. i think i wanted to avoid a confrontation; i think i wanted to cut my losses and get out. while i'm going to ask that person to think twice about it the next time they decide it's a good idea to hit a girl, i'm going to put the issue aside and forget about it.
i did legitimately intend to get to the bus station on time, and walked at quite the pace to get there, but when i stopped in at the leland club to check the time, i realized it was too late - 1:15. i'm sure i've done that walk in 10 minutes. i was not planning on ending up there that night; i had $7, meaning if i paid cover, i'd lose the ability to buy a drink. so, if i couldn't talk my way past the door girl, i'd have to go somewhere else.
but, the door girl was not working that night, which may have worked out in my favour. i was indeed able to walk right past the door guy, and buy a few more drinks before last call.
the goth club is dying, and has been dying for a long time. they actually had the ballroom closed off, because there aren't enough people there to justify opening it. that cut the space down into kind of a more normal bar, with people actually sitting in the seated area in between.
but, that's where i ended up for the night. do i regret it? i regret losing my drink. i was planning on staying at the trumbullplex for most of the night, and i guess i don't know how that turned out or how it would have turned out. and, i might have found my way back there by the end of the night if they had stonewalled me at the goth club. but, i guess i was both cool enough to get the seventh seal and cool enough (or uncool enough) to avoid cover at leland, on this night. the bottom line is that i can't be hanging out somewhere without anything to drink...
i ended up hanging out at the actual hotel until around 6:00, then moved over to rosa parks until around 8:00, before i went back to the tunnel. i got some nachos on the way home, took a shower and slept until sunday night, when i woke up feeling something awful.
i was also hoping that i might stumble into a drummer, as the band is known for high-end guest drummer spots.
this time, i went right to the station to get tickets, and i caught the bus relatively easily. i stayed on the bus to rosa parks, a rare detour, and got off to find a liquor store on the way to the trumbullplex. the other attraction of this night is it's low price tag - $5 cover, in a byob space. so, that's a $10 night. yeah.
i was there around 10:00-10:30-ish and the place was really in mayhem from the getgo. i had to get in immediate line for the washroom, which took me the length of somebody's set to get into, and then spent a little time stumbling around outside, and i'm not entirely sure what i missed. i think it was initially a female singer, but that would probably mean that solemn judgement played earlier than is listed.
regardless, this is the list that was posted. i was simply not paying attention, initially. i think i saw reverend leave in a distressed huff when i came in, so that would be consistent with coming in between 10:00 and 10:30.
i then went out for a smoke and, after having a brief talk about genghis tron (are they still going?)
and ministry (al's lost it.)
in reference to the previous act, was handed a multiple gram pre-roll that may at part be to blame for the sickness i experienced over the next few days. this was a philly, by any other name, but it was rolled more like a cocoon, and you may have been forgiven for thinking that's what it was. but, we're talking something that's a good inch in diameter, and three or four long. call it a stubby, even. but, it was a big joint, and i smoked through about three quarters of it before i handed it off.
the person that gave it to me was impressed, even, by how much of it that i managed to smoke. and, i think i felt it a few days later...
how did i get this joint? i don't know, exactly. well, i know how - it was handed to me. the why isn't totally clear. according to the person that gave it to me, he rolled up a total of seven of these huge joints and gave them to people he recognized and thought were cool. i got the seventh and final seal:
1 And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.
2 And I saw the seven angels which stood before God; and to them were given seven trumpets.
3 And another angel came and stood at the altar, having a golden censer; and there was given unto him much incense, that he should offer [it] with the prayers of all saints upon the golden altar which was before the throne.
4 And the smoke of the incense, [which came] with the prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the angel's hand.
5 And the angel took the censer, and filled it with fire of the altar, and cast [it] into the earth: and there were voices, and thunderings, and lightnings, and an earthquake.
6 And the seven angels which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound.
Revelation 16:1
hey, if jesus wants a toke he's welcome to get in on this....
sarah would tell them not to encourage me in my jesus freak delusions. but, hey. i got the seventh seal. incense, pot, whatever. you don't think that's a coincidence, do you? so, check your potato chips for signs of the return. maybe it's been set in motion.
all absurdities aside, i didn't entirely prod about the reasons for the seven joints, i just accepted my good fortune and sparked it up. we had previously had a discussion about colin marston, which is the root determination of his decision that i was cool - i had just pulled that colin marston reference out of my ass, randomly, in mid-conversation, and it was impressive enough to land me a free philly months later. score.
behold...
anyways, was there some jesus freak symbolism going on? i don't know. i doubt he knew the can of worms he was opening, if there was.
i do know that the gift got me pretty stoned, though, and that i went in to catch something that was playing midset, after having a chat around the fire on the side. the drumming kind of pulled me in. i think this was snafu, which is not the 90s skate punk band of the same name but a more recent act from detroit. they were better from a distance. this is a from a few years ago:
i was then out for another smoke and back in to use the washroom, thinking it was close to midnight.
when i got out of the washroom, one of the first things i remember hearing was "we're strange magic, and if you didn't know it then now you fucking know". so, there's my reference point, and this is where the night starts to take a bit of a turn.
first, watch this video of the strange magic set:
do you see where he says to pass that vcr around? i must have been in the bathroom at that point. when i came out, the vcr was still going around, and eventually ended up passed towards me from behind; as i was oblivious to the circumstances, and didn't see it coming from behind me, it landed directly on my head.
i had no idea what happened at this point, other than that i'd been attacked by or with some kind of electronic equipment. my first reaction was to try to determine if somebody was trying to hurt me, and i was pretty quickly able to determine that it didn't appear to be malicious - people were just being silly (perhaps irresponsible, but just silly.) and i ended up in the middle of it by accident. so, i kind of had little choice but to play along with it.
"wait. what was that?"
"i think it was like a computer or something"
"like, a pc tower?"
"yeah."
"what? so, i just got attacked by somebody's computer?"
"apparently."
"wait. no. i want to determine the identity of the technology that just assaulted me. somebody tell me what that was."
"it was a vcr."
"a vcr?"
"yeah."
"in 2019?"
"yeah."
"a vcr?"
"YEAH!"
"so, i was just randomly assaulted by 80s technology, then"
"it was early 90s, tops."
"fuck."
so, what else do you do? i went for a smoke. and, i asked around - is there a bruise on my head?
(i discovered in the morning that there was actually a bruise on my head)
and, then it appeared, outside - the vcr, on the ramp into the trumbullplex. well, you know it was payback time, after that. it got a good stomping on, and it deserved it. fucker. until...
"hey! that's my vcr!"
i caught most of tart's set. this is a subset of a recent style of female-fronted punk that is written for a male audience, and intends to make that male audience feel uncomfortable. that's the intended experience: to writhe uncomfortably at what's occurring in front of you. and, my general reaction to this is that it doesn't really serve much of a purpose. i'm going to tend to want to look past it and try and see what else they're doing; this particular act was a little on the poppy side. there's a sample here:
the last thing up was the armed, and remember that these are fifteen minute sets, so it wasn't much of a show. unfortunately, i stood in the wrong part of the audience.
i'll state this flat out: i don't understand why people think i want to mosh. i'm an openly transgendered person that introduces myself as jessica and wears women's clothing when i'm out. i modulate between 120-140 pounds, none of it muscle. i'm 5 ' 8". it should be obvious what's going to happen if you take a run at me: i'm going to get knocked over like the petite, effeminate woman that i am.
so, that's what happened - somebody took a run at me, and i almost fell over and had the drink knocked out of my hand in the process, as should have been the obvious outcome to anybody that wasn't stupid. no, i'm not going to be able to withstand a body check by a grown man, and you're a moron if that's what you thought would happen. the person that slammed me may want to know that he also bruised my thigh; he should really be very proud of himself for leaving a mark on a girl. idiot.....
so, that was what i experienced - a sudden mosh pit that i spent the next ten minutes trying to get out of. and, while that isn't the first time that i found myself trying to get out of a pit that materialized out of nowhere, the crowded nature of the space made it a little harder to get out than normal, and the short nature of the set meant that there wasn't much time to readjust. it really wasn't very much fun, and i really didn't get a chance to listen to much of anything, as i was just trying to get out of the pit. and, then it was done, and the only substantive thing that had happened was that i'd lost my drink.
i actually was hoping to hang out there for a while, but it didn't make sense to stay there anymore, once i'd lost my drink. i checked the time - 12:45. if that was right, i could conceivably catch the bus; i'd made that walk in a shorter amount of time. so, i was out...
if i still had my drink, i would have stayed. but, i think i was actually a little miffed at getting slammed and didn't really want to sit around to talk to the person that hit me. i think i wanted to avoid a confrontation; i think i wanted to cut my losses and get out. while i'm going to ask that person to think twice about it the next time they decide it's a good idea to hit a girl, i'm going to put the issue aside and forget about it.
i did legitimately intend to get to the bus station on time, and walked at quite the pace to get there, but when i stopped in at the leland club to check the time, i realized it was too late - 1:15. i'm sure i've done that walk in 10 minutes. i was not planning on ending up there that night; i had $7, meaning if i paid cover, i'd lose the ability to buy a drink. so, if i couldn't talk my way past the door girl, i'd have to go somewhere else.
but, the door girl was not working that night, which may have worked out in my favour. i was indeed able to walk right past the door guy, and buy a few more drinks before last call.
the goth club is dying, and has been dying for a long time. they actually had the ballroom closed off, because there aren't enough people there to justify opening it. that cut the space down into kind of a more normal bar, with people actually sitting in the seated area in between.
but, that's where i ended up for the night. do i regret it? i regret losing my drink. i was planning on staying at the trumbullplex for most of the night, and i guess i don't know how that turned out or how it would have turned out. and, i might have found my way back there by the end of the night if they had stonewalled me at the goth club. but, i guess i was both cool enough to get the seventh seal and cool enough (or uncool enough) to avoid cover at leland, on this night. the bottom line is that i can't be hanging out somewhere without anything to drink...
i ended up hanging out at the actual hotel until around 6:00, then moved over to rosa parks until around 8:00, before i went back to the tunnel. i got some nachos on the way home, took a shower and slept until sunday night, when i woke up feeling something awful.
i spent the morning cleaning, and i ended up taking another nap.
i am hacking and wheezing like i have pneumonia, still. there were other symptoms - i was dealing with cold sweats on sunday and monday and remember smelling the virus on monday - but they've been gone for a while. i went through a box of kleenex midweek, but what's left is this heavy, oppressive cough that won't break. it hurts to breathe, even.
what's the air quality like in here? there's an odour around my bed, but i'm not sure what it is and suspect it's, in some combination, the result of remnant sewer gas, the rusted-over heater and pollution of various sorts from the neighbourhood. my own body odour may be a minor factor, as i have been sick and sweaty and the air in the room is somewhat stagnant. it does not, at this time, smell explicitly like tobacco or marijuana smoke. it smells like something is burning, but that burning smells more like sage or wood or even plastic. i'm going to need to wait for my sense of smell to come back over the next few days before i can really react, but i don't think it's currently a dominant factor in the coughing.
what might be contributing more to the coughing is the excessively dry air down here, and i'm going to need to try to counteract that by showering a bit more. and, i'm starting to wonder more seriously if i might be allergic to something. there's a dog upstairs.
but, the laundry is done, minus one load of towels that i'll do tonight after i shower. that means that i washed my smokey sweaters and jackets, with the expectation that they'll be away from that for the next few months, as well as my sheets and a few random pieces of clothing. i did most of a backlog of dishes that i'll need to finish this evening as well, before i shower. i cleared out all of the smoking paraphernalia (again: i go for a walk around the corner to actually smoke. i don't smoke inside, ever.) and snotty kleenexes and other loose garbage hanging around. i cleaned the bathroom, a little. and, i ate not once but several times in an attempt to get it done with for the week - meals from now until friday should be exclusively fruit-based.
i'm going to finish these reviews, finally. then i'm going to do the dishes, eat some fruit, take a shower, make some coffee, put the last load of laundry in and plan to sit and type for the next week. i have to get some work done this week....
i am hacking and wheezing like i have pneumonia, still. there were other symptoms - i was dealing with cold sweats on sunday and monday and remember smelling the virus on monday - but they've been gone for a while. i went through a box of kleenex midweek, but what's left is this heavy, oppressive cough that won't break. it hurts to breathe, even.
what's the air quality like in here? there's an odour around my bed, but i'm not sure what it is and suspect it's, in some combination, the result of remnant sewer gas, the rusted-over heater and pollution of various sorts from the neighbourhood. my own body odour may be a minor factor, as i have been sick and sweaty and the air in the room is somewhat stagnant. it does not, at this time, smell explicitly like tobacco or marijuana smoke. it smells like something is burning, but that burning smells more like sage or wood or even plastic. i'm going to need to wait for my sense of smell to come back over the next few days before i can really react, but i don't think it's currently a dominant factor in the coughing.
what might be contributing more to the coughing is the excessively dry air down here, and i'm going to need to try to counteract that by showering a bit more. and, i'm starting to wonder more seriously if i might be allergic to something. there's a dog upstairs.
but, the laundry is done, minus one load of towels that i'll do tonight after i shower. that means that i washed my smokey sweaters and jackets, with the expectation that they'll be away from that for the next few months, as well as my sheets and a few random pieces of clothing. i did most of a backlog of dishes that i'll need to finish this evening as well, before i shower. i cleared out all of the smoking paraphernalia (again: i go for a walk around the corner to actually smoke. i don't smoke inside, ever.) and snotty kleenexes and other loose garbage hanging around. i cleaned the bathroom, a little. and, i ate not once but several times in an attempt to get it done with for the week - meals from now until friday should be exclusively fruit-based.
i'm going to finish these reviews, finally. then i'm going to do the dishes, eat some fruit, take a shower, make some coffee, put the last load of laundry in and plan to sit and type for the next week. i have to get some work done this week....
we're currently in a kind of a loop, where the liberals pass gun control laws to appease their base and then the conservatives undo them to appease their own. so, the focus is just on whether we're going to have these laws or not, and the issue is reduced to a fundraising cash cow, and a way to rev up the base.
meanwhile, nobody's even talking about restoring funding to services, which have been systemically cut by both liberals and conservatives, incrementally, since the 80s.
so, the issue is just getting worse.
and, it's just going to keep getting worse until people change their approach and realize what the answer actually is.
meanwhile, nobody's even talking about restoring funding to services, which have been systemically cut by both liberals and conservatives, incrementally, since the 80s.
so, the issue is just getting worse.
and, it's just going to keep getting worse until people change their approach and realize what the answer actually is.
again: i'm not likely to oppose much of any kind of an assault-rifle ban. i don't really accept the premise of gun rights, in a reality where the government has tanks and attack helicopters and motorized drones. your militia is just going to get wiped out.
the fact is that i don't like guns, anyways.
but, i am likely to point out from time to time, as the details firm up, that passing laws against assault rifles isn't likely to actually reduce gun violence.
a socialist policy position understands the complexities of getting to the root causes of gun violence, and rejects symbolic bans and false dichotomies as pointless and simple-minded. marx was actually an advocate of the kind of gun laws that existed in switzerland.
but, what that means is that i see the policy announcements as largely irrelevant. whether they go through with a gun ban or not doesn't change the need to look at more serious approaches. so, if they need to pass a ban for political reasons, whatever. i don't care. what i want to see is more substantive social policy in addition to the ban and in the form of funding for things like programs for at-risk youth. we actually know how to reduce gun crime through social spending, we just stopped doing it because we elected too many conservatives and got too lazy about the role of the state in society.
if they just pass a ban, nothing will change, and they'll be back here in a few years with a failed strategy. maybe, by then, we'll have a revitalized ndp with a new leader that can take the government to task for creating and contributing to the problem by refusing to properly fund the appropriate services, and instead wasting all of it's time and political capital on a pointless ban.
but, if they pass the ban for the cameras, and actually do something worthwhile in the background, maybe they can turn things around enough in a few years to get some better stats out. in the end, the media may assign the better stats to the ban, and it would be be wrong, and i'll be sitting here pointing to studies and fixing their errors, but that's just what happens every day, anyways - i can't be holding my breath, waiting for the media to get it right.
what's important is to get the stats down.
so, appease the idiots and pass the ban, then. fine. whatever. but, don't just leave it at that - follow up on it, and make sure you're actually implementing policies that will actually work in reducing gun violence. we have the science. we know how to do this. we just have to do it...
the fact is that i don't like guns, anyways.
but, i am likely to point out from time to time, as the details firm up, that passing laws against assault rifles isn't likely to actually reduce gun violence.
a socialist policy position understands the complexities of getting to the root causes of gun violence, and rejects symbolic bans and false dichotomies as pointless and simple-minded. marx was actually an advocate of the kind of gun laws that existed in switzerland.
but, what that means is that i see the policy announcements as largely irrelevant. whether they go through with a gun ban or not doesn't change the need to look at more serious approaches. so, if they need to pass a ban for political reasons, whatever. i don't care. what i want to see is more substantive social policy in addition to the ban and in the form of funding for things like programs for at-risk youth. we actually know how to reduce gun crime through social spending, we just stopped doing it because we elected too many conservatives and got too lazy about the role of the state in society.
if they just pass a ban, nothing will change, and they'll be back here in a few years with a failed strategy. maybe, by then, we'll have a revitalized ndp with a new leader that can take the government to task for creating and contributing to the problem by refusing to properly fund the appropriate services, and instead wasting all of it's time and political capital on a pointless ban.
but, if they pass the ban for the cameras, and actually do something worthwhile in the background, maybe they can turn things around enough in a few years to get some better stats out. in the end, the media may assign the better stats to the ban, and it would be be wrong, and i'll be sitting here pointing to studies and fixing their errors, but that's just what happens every day, anyways - i can't be holding my breath, waiting for the media to get it right.
what's important is to get the stats down.
so, appease the idiots and pass the ban, then. fine. whatever. but, don't just leave it at that - follow up on it, and make sure you're actually implementing policies that will actually work in reducing gun violence. we have the science. we know how to do this. we just have to do it...
but, i want to make a brief comment on cenk uygur running for office.
i think i've been clear that i think that cenk uygur is an unintelligent oaf. he's just not a very smart person, and if you value intelligence in your public officials, he's just really not your guy. but, he's also in this group of conservatives that have spent most of their lives as republicans, before switching to the democrats after having the epiphany that the republicans were phonies. with cenk, i think his career ambitions aligned with pretending to be a democrat as well, but the basic point to realize is that he didn't swing left so much as he just sought an escape route from what he was at least smart enough to realize is really a cult.
so, the party is going to try and nail him on some comments he made about women, which is likely to fail. that is a losing strategy, at every level. nobody actually cares, or, worse, a lot of people might agree with him. but, i want you to listen to this carefully. he's going to tell you he changed, and those comments reflect an old person that doesn't exist anymore, but that is utter bullshit and he knows that. what he actually thinks is that you're a dumb libtard that will believe any stupid thing he tells you, which is the premise underlying his entire business model.
he hasn't changed. he's still a conservative, and it's still obvious. those misogynistic comments are pretty standard conservative statements, coming from a conservative worldview. it's all very consistent. it's who he is. and, if you challenge him, he'll just lie to you to get what he wants, because that's what he's spent his whole career doing. this is somebody that has no interest in truth, whatsoever.
but, nobody really cares what a random congressman from california thinks about women.
i would be more concerned about his financial perspectives, which appear to align on the right-libertarian side of the spectrum, and do not appear to have evolved much from his roots as an alex jones light style rush limbaugh wannabe. he seems to think that america is in debt to the chinese. he doesn't seem to understand what a sovereign debt is. i've heard him explicitly compare a government's finances to household finances. it's the same kind of fundamental financial misunderstanding that you hear from people like ron paul, or from people like ben shapiro.
i'm hoping that his campaign follows the same trajectory that elizabeth warren's has, and ultimately tanks once people get a good look at him and realize he's actually, sort of kind of a right-wing blowhard.
but, that's the thing i'd be most concerned about with him in this particular position - as a corollary of his generally conservative worldview, he appears to have a very right-wing concept of money, and you consequently don't want him sitting at the table when you start talking about debt.
i think i've been clear that i think that cenk uygur is an unintelligent oaf. he's just not a very smart person, and if you value intelligence in your public officials, he's just really not your guy. but, he's also in this group of conservatives that have spent most of their lives as republicans, before switching to the democrats after having the epiphany that the republicans were phonies. with cenk, i think his career ambitions aligned with pretending to be a democrat as well, but the basic point to realize is that he didn't swing left so much as he just sought an escape route from what he was at least smart enough to realize is really a cult.
so, the party is going to try and nail him on some comments he made about women, which is likely to fail. that is a losing strategy, at every level. nobody actually cares, or, worse, a lot of people might agree with him. but, i want you to listen to this carefully. he's going to tell you he changed, and those comments reflect an old person that doesn't exist anymore, but that is utter bullshit and he knows that. what he actually thinks is that you're a dumb libtard that will believe any stupid thing he tells you, which is the premise underlying his entire business model.
he hasn't changed. he's still a conservative, and it's still obvious. those misogynistic comments are pretty standard conservative statements, coming from a conservative worldview. it's all very consistent. it's who he is. and, if you challenge him, he'll just lie to you to get what he wants, because that's what he's spent his whole career doing. this is somebody that has no interest in truth, whatsoever.
but, nobody really cares what a random congressman from california thinks about women.
i would be more concerned about his financial perspectives, which appear to align on the right-libertarian side of the spectrum, and do not appear to have evolved much from his roots as an alex jones light style rush limbaugh wannabe. he seems to think that america is in debt to the chinese. he doesn't seem to understand what a sovereign debt is. i've heard him explicitly compare a government's finances to household finances. it's the same kind of fundamental financial misunderstanding that you hear from people like ron paul, or from people like ben shapiro.
i'm hoping that his campaign follows the same trajectory that elizabeth warren's has, and ultimately tanks once people get a good look at him and realize he's actually, sort of kind of a right-wing blowhard.
but, that's the thing i'd be most concerned about with him in this particular position - as a corollary of his generally conservative worldview, he appears to have a very right-wing concept of money, and you consequently don't want him sitting at the table when you start talking about debt.
i had to sleep this afternoon. it's a thing that happens.
the drugs are gone. i've got laundry going. and, i'm probably shut down and locked in until march - but no promises. that means straight edge for the winter, as has become the norm for me.
did i smoke my last cigarette ever this week? it's plausible. the pot stores just need to hurry up and open. once i have a legal, stable source of marijuana, i don't see any reason why i'd need to smoke cigarettes when i'm out, anymore. we'll see what the facts are in the spring.
i thought i was hungover on sunday, but i now think i picked up a virus on the weekend. it's either that or i'm terribly allergic to something in here (or am reacting to second hand smoke that i haven't been able to smell this week - i'll be able to smell it in a day or two, so we'll see how that works out, too). the amount of sneezing and nose blowing, not to mention the headaches, indicates that my body is fighting something off, anyways.
so, i'm a little behind schedule, but i'm cleaning myself up and once i get these reviews in, i'll be back at it.
the drugs are gone. i've got laundry going. and, i'm probably shut down and locked in until march - but no promises. that means straight edge for the winter, as has become the norm for me.
did i smoke my last cigarette ever this week? it's plausible. the pot stores just need to hurry up and open. once i have a legal, stable source of marijuana, i don't see any reason why i'd need to smoke cigarettes when i'm out, anymore. we'll see what the facts are in the spring.
i thought i was hungover on sunday, but i now think i picked up a virus on the weekend. it's either that or i'm terribly allergic to something in here (or am reacting to second hand smoke that i haven't been able to smell this week - i'll be able to smell it in a day or two, so we'll see how that works out, too). the amount of sneezing and nose blowing, not to mention the headaches, indicates that my body is fighting something off, anyways.
so, i'm a little behind schedule, but i'm cleaning myself up and once i get these reviews in, i'll be back at it.
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