ESA
I dont know if im coming down. Im in the hospital again. Who knows whats gonna happen with my life
Jessica Amber Murray
if you want to talk, i'll be online for a bit.
remember: you're not 27 yet. what's your phone #? yeah, i'll do it.
that sounded more aggressive than i meant, i meant yeah i'll call you from here on a pay phone...
ok, i'm going home to finish setting up the multimedia pc. i got an unexpected tax return today and spent it on a lot of little useful items that disappeared over the last two years: blender, toaster, coffee maker...plus i got the wireless keyboard i needed, and a TB hard drive for mp3s. yeah. fuck. i remember laughing about the day i'd have a fucking TB hard drive. and it was only $50. anyways... i just wanted to say, before i go, that depression is a really shitty response to apathy. i really think the strongest way they've got us tied down is by brainwashing us with this concept of meaning. our lives are given shapes before we live them. we then follow the paths that are set before us. but it's a totally trivial way to exist... activists will and have yelled at me for talking like this, but recognizing the futility of existence has to be the most emancipating mental process we can go through. apathy is freedom. it is only when life no longer matters that we are suddenly free to do as we choose. so, yeah. go through what you're going through. but it should be a process of discovery, not one of destruction. that, and stop doing drugs :P it might be smarter to stay in ottawa. i think i already said that. but i'd like to call and talk...
ESA
I didn't do drugs, I overdosed on valproic acid because I took like forty pills and arbout a hundred seroquil and a bunch of Tylenol
Now they have this stupid guard watching me while I sleep. And now I'm in trouble for being on Facebook.
Grr. Don't tell anyone this. It's such bullshit
Jessica Amber Murray
well, you just tried to commit suicide, so i can understand the guard. keeping you off facebook, however, is just going to isolate you from people you care about and that care about you, and probably make things worse. the idea is obviously to keep you away from "bad influences", but you should have a chat with your doc about how futile and counter-productive prohibition *always* is.... i dunno, though. i guess i kind of just wish you had a stronger desire to live, you know? and i think i'm mad at al, but don't know if i should be or not. did they tell you how long? is there anything i should go tell your (potential) roomates?
ESA
No no don't tell them anything
Please don't telll anybody anything
Jessica Amber Murray
k.
ESA
God I hate this place. Faking city of triggers
But I'm not allowed to leave because I'm not well enough
And I can't be treatment for mental illness because I have addicition problems
And I can't get addiction treatment because I have a history of being suicidal
There's no way out
Jessica Amber Murray
embedded catch-22s.
ESA
Huzzah!!!
Jessica Amber Murray
maybe we can organize a heist. shit, i should be careful, they might be monitoring the connection. not really planning a heist, docs....
ESA
Lololololol
Well they're letting me out on Tuesday
And then my mom will be a typical mom for about two weeks
And then ll get frustrated and leave because I haven't gotten any better but Ill pretend like I did
Jessica Amber Murray
i think there's some logic to the idea that getting out of the city will help you get better, though. yeah, i know, we're going in circles again. tuesday was supposed to be the folkfest. have you heard anything about that? and you had an audition on...wednesday?
ESA
I folk festival is the fifth
They should tell the organizers that I tried to off myself because I didn't want to play
Bad press for the festival
Jessica Amber Murray
well, you could have just cancelled if you didn't want to play. i know you wanted to play, though. hrmmn.
ESA
I'll be good by Thursday. The show must go on, right?
God I did it for an even lamer reason
But I'll tell you next time I see you. To keep the suspense.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. i suppose i'm glad you got that shit with your band worked out, anyways. i gotta head home, my battery is dying. i guess i'll see you in a few weeks, probably
ESA
Maybe
?
Dunno what's going to happen
UHG this dude is barfing and like dying beside me
It's so full king gross
Jessica Amber Murray
well, good luck. you know, sometimes it's the little shit that has the biggest epiphanies attached to it. or maybe i'm just a fucking pothead, i dunno.
ESA
Well this is not even rock bottom for me
So I doubt nothing will come of it.
