10-02-2016: beginning the kill-off of deathtokoalas

tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1

may 16, 2014

it's really pretty sad just what level of effort people perceive is being put into this. the writing in this profile is largely stream of consciousness. i'll go back to correct spelling or modify sentence structures to eliminate underlying assumptions in the writing that only make sense to me, but what you're reading here is otherwise completely raw.

so, how do you approach somebody accusing you of using a thesaurus? this is shit i'm pumping out in a few minutes per post. so,  when the false assumptions are stripped out, that must be a suggestion that i have an advanced vocabulary, which i actually think is not at all true - i think it's obvious that i graduated high school and have read a few books since but i wouldn't suggest that much beyond that stands out in what i'm presenting here. nor would i want it to. i fucking hate pretentious blowhards. here's a startling fact: over the approximately ten years that i spent in university i went to zero parties and made zero friends that i stayed in contact with outside of the scholastic context. the hate was really mutual, actually. it wasn't somewhere i fit into. at all.

for the first few years, i greatly preferred hanging out in the projects near my parents house, with dropouts and hustlers. then i spent a few years hanging out with street artists and ravers, followed by a few years of complete lonerism and then a few years with occupy kids before i went back to being a complete loner. i've never been or ever wanted to be the elitist educated kid. that's really a very bad way to interpret this. yet, it is also unfortunately a very bad reflection of the public education system when somebody of no meaningfully advanced education that is just scrawling out thoughts as they come up is viewed as writing carefully presented essays and agonizing over every word in them...

i always knew i would be fucking miserable in the life of an academic, but i was balancing it off against other ways to be fucking miserable. in hindsight? i regret wasting my time with it. but, i can't say i ever had a lot of choice: the alternative that was presented to me was pretty shitty, too.

there were several years when taking student loan money was literally the only way that i could pay my rent, because i wasn't able to get a job in a coffee shop or fast food restaurant.

"so, why did you go to graduate school?"

"because mcdonald's wouldn't call me back. white, unfortunately."

"oh."

"the rent just keeps coming, y'know? every fucking month. never stops. the student loans are a steady pay check for somebody that can't find work."

"why not just try welfare?"

"well, that would be better. i could do what i want instead of studying shit i don't care about. but, welfare is something like half of student loan money. it's not enough to pay the bastards. if it was, i'd go for it."

"oh. disability?"

"well, i don't have one, far as i can tell."

today, i do live on disability. but the diagnosis is pretty weak. it's something i have to do this summer, actually - get a better diagnosis. i don't know what fits best. schizophrenia. bi polar. something like that....

TheVanillatech
Why? I know 4 months but why?

deathtokoalas
this post was to google, rather than youtube. it's just all cross-posted.

TheVanillatech
+deathtokoalas
Still, why..... XD

deathtokoalas
+TheVanillatech
i've been posting a lot to google over the last few months. i guess i have an internet addiction; before i was posting to google, i was posting to facebook, and before that i was all over the cbc (canadian state run media), and before that i was all over mailing lists and newsgroups...

but i've moved to youtube in an attempt to promote the music i've been spending more time with over the last few months.

i'm constantly being accused of being one of them no good book lerners. i've had dozens of people accuse me of sitting in front of my laptop with thesaurus.com open.

it's ridiculous. and false. but interesting. just reflecting.

(edit: re that last re-post.

the flip side of what some people call white privilege is an equally valid concept that one could refer to as white obligation.

never mind that i'm not really actually white. it's less than 50%, anyways. but i look white, so i'm stuck with this annoying white obligation whether i like it or not.

what white obligation states is that i'm not allowed to be an economic loser - i have an obligation to take my place in a hierarchy and live up to a set of contrived expectations. it doesn't matter that i don't at all care or have any remote interest in climbing up any kind of hierarchy. it doesn't matter that i'd rather invest my energy towards economically useless behaviour. due to my skin colour, i'm basically forbidden to work a shitty job. i'm expected to go to university and get a middle class job that i don't care about, whether i like it or not. a life of apathy and low-investment labour is verbotten, as it is beneath me on the hierarchy of expectations. so, mcdonalds will not call me back, no matter how many times i apply (and i've applied many times). further, economists and politicians will then claim that i do not want to work at mcdonalds  - because i'm too privileged.

the system will allow me to take out absurdly large loans, and then place me on disability when i fail out of disinterest. but, it will not allow me to work below my racial potential. and, for me, that's equally enslaving.

i've come to care less and less as i've aged. and, i'm at the point where i no longer remotely care. if the system tried to force me into some kind of workfare, i'd walk into work drunk, spit in the boss' face, urinate on the cash register - it would be horrific. but, there was a time when i was happy enough to work a crappy job - if i'd only be allowed to.

it was the emotional investment and time expenditure required to hold a middle class job that i strenuously rejected.)

human nature. orderly universe. yawn. it's all nonsense.

guy's stuck in the nineteenth century. burkean conservatism rather than neo-liberalism. that's just level two of your typical christian ignorance - and is just as easily debunked.

we live in a world that is chaotic and unpredictable - defined by imperfect causality, probability distributions and thick error bars. newtonianism has always been a caricature. in four hundred years, all we've really learned about how to solve the n-body problem is that the closer you get, the more bodies you have to add - that the entire idea of an n-body problem is naive.

newton should no longer be taught in high school. sure: it's useful for engineers. but, the broader philosophical ramifications are too problematic.

forget it. leave him in the past with aristotle. start the kids off with modern physics.