when was it that i finished with that little bit of pot that i smoked far away from the house?

the 25th?

i haven't smoked anything since - and that was after 11 months of complete abstinence. this is the new normal for me, and what i've actually wanted for a long time. i'm happy to be here. the struggle is not with my habits, they're under control, but with the habits of the people around me, and in finding a living environment where they're not affecting me when i don't want them to.

i was actually surprised by how interesting toronto's instrumental rock scene seemed all of a sudden, but it rather seems like it was just a few weeks in april, and things are slowing down.

i'm making progress.

but, it doesn't make sense to start writing documents until i can set some timelines arond them.

i'll call some people in the morning, as well.

as for the air quality in here, i'm slowly ruling out the heaters: the guy upstairs is smoking both cigarettes and marijuana. and, i'm going to need to think carefully about what to do about it.

there don't appear to be butts outside, and i can't smell it outside. he seems to be careful to smoke inside with the windows closed, eliminating any kind of evidence for me to work with. worse, this is going to be the third time in two years that i'm at the tenant board complaining about second-hand smoke. yes, i did my due diligence. yes, i signed a non-smoking lease. but, if the board decides i'm a whiner then i'm going to lose the case.

what i've been doing instead is running the shower whenever the smell gets out of control, and it works for a while. i have not made a complaint, and i'm not going to until i can get some kind of actual evidence. in theory, the easiest thing to do would be to ask, but my perception is essentially that if he's going to sign a non-smoking lease and then smoke inside then any kind of conversation with him is just a waste of time. if i end up carrying through with some kind of legal action, i'm just going to jump directly to it. there's no use in negotiating with a dishonest actor.

legally, i can't tell him not to smoke, and i can't ask him to evict himself. what i can do is ask for an end to the lease, and for financial compensation for the suffering i've endured while living here. but, i learned last year that finding a way out isn't as easy as it might seem.

the best way for me to get to a non-smoking building is through subsidized housing, but there's an absurd wait.

in the mean time, if he thinks smoking inside the house is worth a $300/month water bill, that's his prerogative.

i like myself. really.

but, i hold you all in the deepest of contempt. and, you mostly deserve it, too.

the place i come from is not sadness and depression, it's disdain and nihilism, even if i'm not a nihilist - and i'm really not.

it's not about being withdrawn and distant because i'm sad and i hate myself, it's about being disinterested in participating in society because i think it's full of assholes and offers nothing of meaningful substance. i don't hate me, i hate you.

as the flaming lips song says,

"i believe in nothing, and you're convinced of the hex."

it's a fundamental difference. and, it would take five minutes for me to explain it to you, if you'd shut up and listen to me.

i would actually describe myself as a fairly happy, well-adjusted person.

i just can't deal with stress without flipping out.

i want to be clear about a point.

my disability diagnosis from 2012-2015 was not depression, nor have i ever been diagnosed with depression, nor have i ever claimed to suffer from depression. frankly, i think that anybody who's ever known me for any extended period would think it's obvious that i don't suffer from depression.

my diagnosis over this period was ptsd & gender dysphoria. those were the reasons i was put on odsp - not depression.

this was downgraded in 2015 to my current diagnosis, which is social anxiety disorder. the gender dysphoria continues forward in the diagnosis.

and, as i have never been diagnosed with depression, i have never taken any medication for it.

i do, however, believe that a proper diagnosis would be on the order of a personality disorder. i'm not a narcissist, but i am extremely anti-social. there's no clear basis of diagnosis, it's really up to the discretion of the doctor. but, this is the right path to walk down, not depression.

fwiw, these are the mp3s i have dated locally to the fall of 2013 organized by actual release date.

aug
20. native - orthodox

sept
02. chelsea wolfe - pain is beauty
10. body / head - coming apart
11. man man - on oni pond
13. indricothere - xi
14. swans - not here not now
16. 65daysofstatic - wild light
17. pinkish black - razed to the ground
24. touche amore - is survived by

oct
01. melt banana - fetch
07. lee ranaldo and the dust - last night on earth
11. autechre - l-event
15. pelican - forever becoming
15. mammatus - heady mental
21. the future of the left - how to stop your brain in an accident
29. son lux - lanterns
29. yamantaka // sonic titan - uzu
30. inri cassette demo #1

nov
04. david bowie - the next day extra
05. melvins - tres cabrones
08. inri cassette demo #2
09. inricycled
16. inri - eat my fuck
21. inri - pop music
21. inri - gene-o's
30. inri - warning


dec
11. a very doldrums christmas
11. inricycled
21. inri
24. inriched
27. inrijected
27. inrimixed

and, what about my actual health?

well, i'm waiting for the blood test. i'll need to get that sheet updated, first. i'll get the test done next week...

my bmi has been inching up a little over the last few years, from around 19 to around 21. i'm 38 years old at this point, so a little weight gain isn't so strange. i quit smoking in 2016, and can maybe attribute five pounds to it. i think that the more concerning reality is that i've become far less active recently, due to a combination of the weather and the court issue; i've found myself sitting inside for weeks at a time. i should address this and get a bit more exercise via getting out more for walking and bicycling

a gym is a disgusting place, if you think about it, full of people driven by hierarchy and sexual desire, and no doubt full of disease and violence. it's not somewhere where a healthy, well-adjusted person should go. if i'm going to get some more exercise, i'd rather do it by myself, where i'm not subject to some kind of ordering, and i don't have to deal with people gazing at me. yuck.

i'm still ridiculously healthy, as i always have been. until recently, the concern was always that i was underweight, so a little bit of a weight increase is actually a positive step that i've made a purposeful attempt at. but, i should take steps to get the curve under control. 21-22 is actually ideal, but i don't want to get it any higher.

you'll notice that i'm talking about bmi and not weight and i'm doing that entirely on purpose. i'm not interested in what fashion magazines have to say about the topic, i'm interested in what an objective, scientific analysis is; i don't want to look emaciated and photoshopped, i want a healthy body type and a healthy body image.

so, i was trying to gain some weight, and i've accomplished that, but i need to pull back a little now and stop that number from getting any higher.

i will remind you, however, that the issue i'm dealing with is a very mouthy (junior) rogue prosecutor that was probably acting on a homophobic bias that was so powerful that she had to excuse herself from the case, and not a decision made by an elected body.

if an elected body has no right to declare people "welcome" or "unwelcome", it would follow that any such claim made by an individual, whether in an official capacity or not, would simply be a delusional statement of absurd grandiosity.

a community may have the right to protect itself, and may consequently have the right to decide that convicts are not permitted to participate in the governing process, but that doesn't give them property rights over the land.

as is so often the case with what we see from indigenous groups when they are permitted to exercise actual power, this is an example of what a government shouldn't do. ever. under any scenario.

and, if i was her, i'd go there just to poke fingers in their eyes and demonstrate that they have no right to decide whether people are "welcome" in an area or not.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/05/03/oglala-sioux-tribe-tells-south-dakota-governor-she-is-not-welcome-their-reservation/?tid=pm_politics_pop

try this one out in focus group testing: elizabeth warren wants to ruin the internet.

the media is also doing something very tricky with elizabeth warren.

elizabeth warren is a conservative, so she's acceptable to the establishment. and, if you find my claim outlandish or discriminatory, begin taking note of this fact, mentally: across the media, every story that mentions sanders also mentions warren, despite the fact that polling indicates that warren is not being taken seriously by the party's left, because she's not a part of it, and her policies are not consistent with it.

this is called a bait and switch: they run headlines about sanders with stories that are clearly intended to increase support for warren. you can see the tactic at work - the establishment wants you to switch from sanders to warren.

you should consequently be exceedingly skeptical about anybody posing on the left that expresses support for warren or her reactionary policies.

but, this is what they're doing, this is what they want, and we'll see if it works.

warren will consequently attempt to piggyback on sanders as long as she can. and, bernie needs to come to a stark realization: she's not his friend. she's been sent to co-opt him. and, he needs to stay away from her.

so, i'm up and fed and ready to work.

my primary focus needs to be on getting through this list of shows and planing the trip out, but i'll be building the master document for the second half of 2013 as i'm at it.