i've actually been kind of clear on this point, over and over again. but, the internet operates on memes, and people get judged by how they look.

that's why i withdrew to this space - i was becoming representative of something i wasn't, because people picked up on a fantasy that wasn't rooted in reality.

i identify as a punk, but it's a philosophical thing, and what i'm referencing are bands like dead kennedys, black flag and bad religion, and to a lesser extent bands like the clash, the sex pistols and the more fringe-y stuff like crass. i understand the thing about the ramones touring england, and i know the ramones got their sound from detroit, but, to me, punk started in the uk and became fully formed in california before branching back out to places like seattle and new york. so, when i talk about punk rock, i mostly understand it as a west coast phenomenon. i would use the term hardcore, but i think converge and the nyhc scene are fucking terrible, and i'd just be misleading people about it (although, i love sonic youth). so, when i say 'punk', what i mean is an attitude that exalts individualism and reason over the collective herd mind and is massively skeptical of authority and power; what i don't mean is this kind of bad attitude that you associate with the kids that like to skip school, eat pizza and get drunk on weekdays. i know the terms are not as clear as they were in my day, but that latter kind of nihilism is what i would associate with the term metal. it's fallen away from that, to the point that the term has been co-opted, but punk was in many ways initially a very real reaction to the nihilism and excess of glam and hair metal, despite it currently being largely subsumed by that excess and nihilism. so, you won't see me at these kinds of drinking parties, because the way i understand the term punk is as more or less the anti-thesis of that. and, i'm not going to get along with people with bad attitudes, like that. i'd actually rather go to a dance club, because i'll get along with the people there, and their positive hippie vibes, way better than i'm going to get along with a bunch of depressed, angry, hateful nihilists.

and, i'll state this yet again: i am too young to be truly gen x, and too old to be truly gen y. i would prefer to identify as gen x, but i don't have the life experiences. and, i've spent my whole life trying to avoid millennial attitudes and millennial people.

if i was a little older, i would have moved on the one hand from punk to grunge and on the other hand from industrial to rave music. and, while i insist i would not have gone to woodstock, i probably would have gone to lollapalooza (back when it was actually run by janes addiction); it's really alternative rock as an extension of punk rock that i can meaningfully identify with, rather than punk itself. but, i'm still too young for that, as i'm too young to remember the free parties in the uk.

my first concert was the smashing pumpkins in a hockey arena in 1996, when i was 15. but, my first real concert was gybe and labradford at the babylon in ottawa on the slow riot.. tour in 1999, when i was 18, and that is my actual scene. this was an eclectic scene that went by various terms such as post-rock, math rock, psychedelic rock and, at times, was even just referred to as prog. but, it came out of the punk scene in terms of ideology, even as it reached elsewhere for musical ideas.

post-rock, as a genre, was in truth heavily influenced by the first wave of emo bands in the 80s and 90s. and, i had records by bands like sunny day real estate in the 90s, too. but, by the time "emo" hit it big as a co-opted corporate rock term for a bunch of bands that looked like poison and sounded like silverchair, i was way too old to have any interest in it. one simply doesn't get into "emo" in their early to mid 20s, which is how old i was when it came out. i thought it was a childish and stupid trend, a complete destruction of punk rock, and i've been vocal about the point for fucking ever.

and, since then, it's been a constant struggle to sort through mountains of crap to try to find a decent rock band here and there - one i've actually often abandoned.

so, that's what it's like to exist in the cusp, and i guess that all i can do is repeat myself: i was too young for grunge and too old for emo, but just right for post-rock, which is a different kind of animal in it's abstraction. and, what that means is that when i do go looking for a rock band, the sound i'm looking for is older rather than younger, because that's where i'm actually coming from.

ok.

so, i'm done the first run on september, 2013. i'll need to double check for consistency and completion, run a spell check, etc, but it should be ready to post in 24-48 hours.

right now, i'm going to get to cleaning some things and some other stuff and then get back to it after i take a shower.

it's not clear at this point where the lesser evil sits and it won't be for a while.

but, don't expect me to fall in line.

i will continue to think critically, and i will continue to resist.

it's just important to recognize that the threat to queer communities does not explicitly come from "christians" or "republicans" or "conservatives" or "the right", but that these are rather different ways to articulate the real threat, which is patriarchy.

and, we don't protect ourselves from patriarchy by aligning ourselves with groups that continue to uphold it.

i don't pretend that i'm on trump's side when it comes to many things, and i fully grasp that he'd be happy to toss me off a cliff to get a sandwich. i mean nothing to him.

but, i'm not going to make false allies with muslims and gamers, groups that i do not like any more than i like christian fundamentalists or nihilist republicans, and that i recognize would offer me no more solidarity than trump would. the muslims would kill me on the spot, and the bros would mostly like to beat the shit out of me. these are not allies, not even temporary ones - they are opponents, and not even hidden ones.

rather, i have to look at the situation relatively and try and figure out where my best interests are, and they're really not in this growing conservative movement that passes itself off as a "progressive" movement. this is a coalition of people with deeply socially conservative attitudes that poses a serious threat to a liberal order. you have to understand that america does not have a left, it has a choice between the nihilists in the republican party and the conservatives in the democratic party, which is why the "right" often seems more open to free expression. if i have to, i will align with nihilists before i align with conservatives, all the while realizing that it's a terrible choice.

where the muslims and bros want me dead (literally or figuratively), trump just wants to turn me into an election foil. it's a shitty choice, but it's a big difference.

obviously, i want to support a genuine leftist movement. but, as this window closes in front of me, i'll need to make the choice i need to make to survive.

it's not that dissimilar to how i view marriage.

i suppose that if we're going to have marriage as a state institution, then it should be open to anybody who applies. it's only fair, really.

but, i'd actually argue for the abolition of marriage altogether. so, marriage equality just strikes me as a way to break up the radical edge on the queer movement.

i mean, there's something discriminatory about the policy, clearly, and i guess i have little option but to oppose it on an abstract level.

but, do i want to fight for the rights of queer people to join the military? no. that doesn't interest me at all.

i'm going to state this as simply and succinctly as possible.

i actually think that queer people should be carrying out a permanent, unconditional boycott of anything to do with the military-industrial complex. that is, i would argue for a total, voluntary withdrawal of all queer people from the army. and, i do believe that that there is something inconsistent about holding to a queer identity, and joining the army.

i would consequently have little concern about somebody telling me i can't join the military. yes, please?

that is all.