guys.

i'm endorsing the greens. i told you that.

i am politically closest to sanders - i support universal healthcare, for example. i self identify as an anarchist/socialist. i'm more leftwing than sanders...

but, he's creeping me out in a number of ways, and i don't want to support him

i'm not a democrat, i'm an anarchist, and i would neither support klobuchar nor buttigieg in a general election.

it's interesting to me to see the order in which the data is coming in.

what i've been waiting for to post is for klobuchar's numbers to hit 18%, and they did fall to 19% for a bit, which on the screen likely means below 19.5%, but the fact that the numbers are disproportionately rural, and have been since the start, means she's getting a bit of an inflated result.

and, now she's talking with that inflated result on the screen.

i don't like her policies very much, but my interest is in analyzing the numbers. i don't work in the field, but i have a math degree. i'm interested in the analysis; i'm not really interested in the human condition. so, i'm not trying to denigrate this woman.

but, her numbers are going to come down before the end of the night....

...and the media isn't going to be able to prop her up forever.

(nbc just claimed she declared victory, which she did not do.)

i'll wait for more of the numbers to come in before i continue. but, what you're watching on tv is a charade.

so, after too much sleeping and too many distractions, i am actually finally done typesetting the html frontend for inri021, which is very similar to the one for inri015.

in the process, i found a couple of typos for inri002 & inri015 that i'll need to correct. these are just literally typos and they won't take long to fix but i have to do it.

and, then i have to take one last run over inri021, including doing proper testing to make sure it actually works. but, i'm at the very end of this. 

there are two more: inri023 (inrimixed) and inri022 (inrijected). and, then it's on to january, 2014.

but, i need to stop to get the recycle out because i've missed the last few, and i'm going to take the opportunity to eat and shower.

i think it was her poor debate performances, myself - especially her attempts to go after buttigieg, which brutally backfired.

there was also the fiasco with sanders where she tried to play the victim and nobody bought it.

but, there may have been a misconception about where she was on the spectrum, too. she seems to have initially done well with suburban, white liberals. in detroit, she seemed to be trending in the hipster-y ferndale area, primarily, as well as in the counties around metro detroit - so, oakland county, and ann arbor. these places usually vote for the leftmost candidate, so this was a little bit weird, given that she's kind of a moderate. these voters may not have realized that she was on the fence on healthcare, that she's kind of a market fundamentalist or that she used to be a republican. and, people may have just gotten scared off by her, the more they actually learned about her.

this was my position on warren from the start - i never really understood why she was being presented as a leftist in the first place, when she was obviously actually sort of a conservative.

and, i think the solution may be as simple as that people rejected her when they realized they didn't agree with her as much as they initially thought that they did.

https://www.vox.com/2020/2/11/21131657/elizabeth-warren-new-hampshire-trouble

i guess the obvious question is - "should this be proportional anyways, or should it be winner take all?".

i mean, a lot of people probably don't realize that the thing is proportional in the first place. there were people grumbling that "but, sanders won the popular vote" in iowa, clearly desiring a winner take all formula.

generally, leftists prefer proportional strategies, although we argue about how to do it. i don't like proportional representation at the parliamentary level (i prefer a ranked ballot), but i prefer a proportional process at the primary level to a first-past-the-post one, certainly. the caucuses are maybe kind of a dumb way to do ranked ballots in the 21st century. i'd rather see both the primaries and the caucuses move to ranked ballots, while maintaining the proportional delegate system.

but, i can imagine the pushback.

"it's not undemocratic to get all of the delegates if you win, because you won!"

....but you'd be more cutthroat of a person than i am, and i suspect you'd contradict yourself pretty quickly if we actually had this debate, properly. chances are that you don't actually believe that....

so, like i said - (klobuchar, warren, biden) will be lucky to get one or two delegates, total, between the three of them.

sanders will probably get around 25% of the vote, and buttigieg will probably get around 20% of the vote. remember - buttigieg doesn't get a second chance in new hampshire like he did in iowa, so it's the first ballot that is more likely to be predictive, and a bigger win is consequently more likely.

but, between the two of them, they will get nearly all of the delegates, despite getting less than half of the vote.

and, this threatens to be the norm moving forward, if the field doesn't narrow.

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/breaking-down-our-new-hampshire-forecast-district-by-district/

this idea that you know exactly who or what you are when you're like three years old is....

i think it's bullshit.

and, i think a lot of trans people are just telling doctors what they want to hear.

this whole thing is fluid, and people can and do change in either direction.

what i say is that i realized i was more like a girl very young, but, i don't pretend i had some kind of early childhood schizophrenia or something. i was a nerdy, bookish kid. i understood which genitalia i had, and wasn't confused by it.

so, i didn't go through this process that trans kids are supposed to go through, where you refuse to accept your birth gender. frankly, i think the literature is kind of lacking, and probably mostly bullshit. but, you have to feed the doctors a certain line to get prescribed, so you end up with a lot of bullshit in the case studies.

i'm willing to be honest in stating that i resigned myself to what existed, and internalized it. i didn't think i was a "girl trapped in a boy's body". rather, i just realized i had more in common with the girls than the boys, and then accepted myself as an effeminate boy and left it at that.

so, there are these songs - confused, screwed up - that were written and recorded when i was roughly 14-17 and are explicitly about gender identity, but they take this perspective of existential angst and dour resignation about it. i didn't think i could actually do anything about it. maybe i wished i was a girl, but i also wished i was rich, and wished i lived in a warmer climate and ... and these are just things one deals with, as reality is that you don't get everything you wish for, in life. and, i thought i could deal with it. maybe i even thought i'd grow out of it.

all i really was sure of at that age was that i wasn't really attracted to girls very much, and that i liked to spend a lot of time by myself.

i was 20 years old when i finally decided i had to deal with it somehow and took steps to transition by contacting a psychologist through the networks at school. i started taking hormones at 21.

i was basically completely emotionally stunted at this point, as i'd never had any kind of meaningful relationship with anybody, romantic or platonic. the best way to describe me is as suffering from extreme arrested development - i never went through the emotional development that most people experience during puberty. i had the sexual, emotional and romantic maturity of a 12 year old girl.

and, that lack of emotional maturity put me through a rough couple of years that dramatically altered the course of my life.

in the end, i decided on a solitary existence. and, i'm not particularly unhappy, i don't think.

but, don't misinterpret these songs - i had absolutely no sex life, and they just aren't about sex, and shouldn't be interpreted as though they are.

we all write about the things that are relevant to us in our lives.

and, sex and romance and relationships have broadly not been relevant ideas to me in my life.

actually, the truth is that the closest thing i had to any kind of sexual or romantic encounters until i was in my early 20s was a series of avoidance attempts.

i didn't tell anybody i knew in real life; i went to a catholic school, and if there was a group of gay kids, i never figured out who they were. i think there was maybe one kid that was openly gay, but he was also....he didn't take very good care of himself.

if you talked to the people i communicated with online during high school, and these were mostly older people that i knew through mailing lists for bands, people that were university aged or older, they would have told you i identified as a homosexual male, which in itself wasn't even quite right, but was what i was sort of resigning myself to at about the age of 16 or so.

so, i was actually the kid that identified as gay and didn't want to tell anybody, which meant i found myself constantly avoiding the girls around me, who interpreted me as a straight, single boy. i just didn't want to deal with it.

the point of this post is to explain why my songs have nothing to do with the kinds of things that kids usually write songs about. there are some songs that are explicitly about identity, but i've never written a song about love or romance or sex from any perspective at all because these simply weren't things that were relevant to me. i had precisely zero girlfriends or boyfriends in high school; i wasn't even interested in the premise. i was a virgin until my third year of university. i hadn't even experienced a first kiss until i was 21.

so, these songs broadly have absolutely nothing to do with sex or sexuality in any way at all, whatsoever, for the simple reason that i had absolutely no interest in sex or sexuality in any way at all, whatsoever - and broadly still don't. my gender identity is transfemale, but my orientation is asexual. i haven't had consensual intercourse in almost 15 years, and don't feel i'm missing out on much of anything.

what the songs are about are personal struggles with identity, social and political commentaries about things like war or religion and other literary or philosophical topics.

i would never be caught dead writing a song about love or sex.