Wednesday, July 31, 2013
do i remember this? i'm not sure, actually.
i do actually have strange memories of eating cake in a high chair - i guess it would have had to have been the second birthday, then. i can't imagine remembering my own first birthday.
that's dad's head, and nana in the top right. i'm only about 60% certain that the person behind me is my father's brother, and sole remaining uncle (if that is still true; i have not checked in in years, at this point).
i've been told i was kind of an existentialist child; i rarely spoke, never cried, and almost never smiled. they actually sent me to a specialist, who came to the conclusion that i was just staunchly misanthropic, by the age of four - i might be mildly depressed, but there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. i just didn't want to speak, and didn't want to smile.
i have a vague recollection that what is happening here is that i'm being coerced to smile, and offering some resistance to it - to the concern of the adults in the room.
i do actually have strange memories of eating cake in a high chair - i guess it would have had to have been the second birthday, then. i can't imagine remembering my own first birthday.
that's dad's head, and nana in the top right. i'm only about 60% certain that the person behind me is my father's brother, and sole remaining uncle (if that is still true; i have not checked in in years, at this point).
i've been told i was kind of an existentialist child; i rarely spoke, never cried, and almost never smiled. they actually sent me to a specialist, who came to the conclusion that i was just staunchly misanthropic, by the age of four - i might be mildly depressed, but there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. i just didn't want to speak, and didn't want to smile.
i have a vague recollection that what is happening here is that i'm being coerced to smile, and offering some resistance to it - to the concern of the adults in the room.
Jeff
Where did you get that lol
Jessica Amber Murray
my dad died a few days ago. i got a stack of pictures from him.
Jeff
I'm sorry,your dad was someone who I have never forgotten. I remember eating breakfast(corn squares) with you and him. Crazy the stuff we tend to remember the most eh! How you holding up? You and you mom are closer now in the past couple of years? Where are you living now
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm actually just about to move to windsor. next week. it's been a confusing few years of stability issues, mentally. i've had a few pretty strenuous breakdowns. i've been staying with my grandmother, and i'm pretty much on odsp permanently, now. it's schizophrenia, basically. they've diagnosed me with ptsd, but it's because stress is the trigger. the rent is just cheaper down there. i'm hoping i can set up a little studio. what are you up to these days?
Jeff
Working lcbo warehouse. Pension and all the goodies. Virus attack my body and went after weakest part and ended up with tinnius(ringing of ear) 3 different noises at once! Adjusting to it but no cure. Clone a sheep but your ears,forget about it. Family is good and stuck in Ottawa for the next 20 years lol. Been to Windsor as a kid and winter tends to be very warm.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that's right, you *did* used to go to windsor. you used to get earaches all the time, too. you'd think they could maybe take the ear out and replace it, but i don't think they're at a stage to do that yet. i guess we haven't talked since a few years after the end of high school. i finished a math degree at carleton in '06. worked for a microsoft for a few years. built a great studio, was rolling...then shit hit the fan. ended up back in school, nearly finished a programming degree before i mentally collapsed and decided i had to transition. i was juggling shit, but it was taking too long. couldn't find a job, any job, got evicted...broke down again...landed at my grandmother's. finished a minor in law. been organizing with radical leftists (occupy movement types). and i just need to get out of here for somewhere that's cheaper to live. i guess i've got a decade of music to check out if you want to. you can stream it for free forever: http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com
i'm kind of hoping i'll eventually, one day, end up teaching math, but for right now i want to focus on writing music...
Jeff
Hey listen to me when I say your smart as Fuck so keep doing what ya have to do! Stay off meds cause they may help but so does just letting shit off your chest. Also make your body completely reliant on them. Surprised you don't lean towards holistic stuff? Say what ya want... But seen results of both and have to say I lean towards holistic although some seem to be hoaxish so is meds that fix shit. Although schizophrenia meds might be a good route. Also if someone said find a job that you love cause that what matters...find a job that your good at do it for 20 years and get the fucking thing over with. Not supposed to spend my life working for others anyway so that others can blah blah.... Too much shit going on in your life and head, you need a breather man! You may not have the support you need but I say your going to do a 180 once you plant your feet abit. Or win lottery lol.
That was supposed to be somewhat supportive and I think I failed lol. Just think you have alot of experience and education that not much should get in way of you just succeeding at everything so keep doing what you think is best Jay(Jessica). Old people always say that in live always do what you want so no regrets later. Enough ranting from me! Oh ya..grieving your father is not selfish, it's human!no grieving is like saying no love was there for that person. Everyone grieves different so.. Writing what I think on Facebook instead of in person really diminishes the feeling and expression of my thoughts! Talk soon
Jessica Amber Murray
i avoid the meds. it's more that i'm concerned about them affecting my creativity level. i'd rather be crazy and creative than sane and productive; maybe there's some circular logic there, but so be it. i'm not opposed to holistic approaches, so long as they're tested empirically. but, you know what they call holistic medicine that's been tested empirically? they call it medicine. when you have to say 'holistic' as a prefix, that generally means you're taking placebos. i don't mean to be arrogant, but the truth is that i'm smart enough to understand what's going on and to control the episodes through self-awareness. i like describe it as tripping out without taking drugs. you know? like, when you're on a mushroom trip, you know you're on a mushroom trip. even if you're having a bad trip, you know you're tripping. you know it's not real. i can do that. everybody that's done drugs knows that you have to do them in a safe place. it's the same kind of idea - when i feel i'm becoming episodic, i get myself out of the way of shit that's going to have the potential to put me in a bad place. that's part of why working's not a great idea. i can't really be like "boss, i'm tripping out, i have to go home" - although i *have* done that previously. like, let's say i'm working for somebody doing something important. with the background i have, i would be *the* person they hire. if i have to go home for a week, it doesn't make sense to bring me back. so, i could do something less intensive. but, would you feed a gazelle meat? if it could digest it at all, it would get sick. certainly, it wouldn't be happy. is a tiger happy eating ground meat? it'll survive, but it would rather hunt. so, do you send an artist to operate a phone or a cash register? we're expected to work when we're young, and retire when we're old. i think there's a lot of logic in that if the labour is physical. but, for mental labour - teaching, writing etc - i think it makes more sense to invert the process. i'd rather retire when i'm young and work when i'm old. so, my goal at the moment is to create the circumstances necessary that will allow me to create a lot of music. it's been a long, slow process....but it finally arrives next week. everything is finally in order. and i want to spend the next several years just purely creating. once that urge has run it's course, i'll think about applying myself mentally somehow. i could start doing some more creative writing. i could finish my masters in math. i'll have to decide then. i miss my dad, but the last several months of his life were horrific. it was brain cancer. he had three major surgeries that were functionally lobotomies. it was at the stage where death was a release from the suffering. he fought it for two years, man. hard. i've been through two years of a grieving process. at this point, i'm just happy he's not suffering anymore.
i had absolutely no intention of letting her move in
Jessica Amber Murray
so, about that laptop... it's fine if you hang on to it until you get to windsor. what i'm thinking is probably the best thing to do when you get there is to take that one back, buy a new hard drive for this one (it shouldn't be too much) and then lend this one to you indefinitely.
ESA
No its ok! You can have it back now. I dont mind, really.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's not really the biggest priority for me. if you're using it, keep using it. i don't need it in any kind of urgency. are you going to want this one once i put a new drive in it?
ESA
Im trying to figure this out wth my dad.
Also, do you think i can move in with you for a bit?
Possibly? I ddont want to get rid of leroy :(
And i dont think i can quit smoking either
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. ok... so, the landlord thinks i'm a non-smoker and i promised i wouldn't bring any pets in the place. you can crash for a bit, and leroy can hang out outside, but i can't let you bring leroy in the house and i have to ask that all smoking is done in take-a-walk form. i'm pretty serious about quitting, or at least cutting down to almost nothing.
ESA
Oh ok..
I want t cut down too. I think i can only cut down to five a day though.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i've quit before. are you saying i can accomplish something you can't?
:P
i just can't have smoking around the place. and i told him it was just me coming, too....
ESA
Well. I am more addicted than you
No matter what, i win
Jessica Amber Murray
bah. i bet i've been smoking longer.... i'm going down next week. i have to run this by him first. and he's probably going to think i totally tricked him. i'm going to say this is tentative. again, i promised i'd tell him if i was going to let people stay for more than a day or two.
i *think* it should be fine..
it's just..
when you sign a lease for one person, and two people move in....
ESA
You dont have to tell him anything. Youre not doing anything illegal
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't want to start shit off on a wrong foot, though. i like this place and want to be there for a while.
the guy is actually really cool. i think he'll be fine with it.
ESA
Yeah ok. It was just as a last chance, if this room doesnt work out.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm pretty sure it's probably fine. it's funny. he asked me about ten times about a girl moving in. i was like "no". he was like "yeah, right. so when a girl moves in, just let me know." :P i think he'll be fine i just can't guarantee it... so, does that mean you don't need the computer anymore? if that's the case, i should grab it.
ESA
My dad is lending me his netbookk.
Jessica Amber Murray
k. well, when he does let me know. i'm going to be busy tomorrow and friday, but i can grab it on the weekend. although...i guess you're going to be somewhere else tomorrow....
ESA
Hmmm dunno
Jessica Amber Murray
are you in hintonburg now? could i grab it now?
ESA
no im not
will be later
at 9 i'm playing risk with playa if u wanna come
we need a third player
k lemme know
Jessica Amber Murray
i think i'll just stop in quick to grab the laptop, there's a thousand things i need to do tonight (and i have to be up early for the funeral). just lemme know when i can drop by for a sec...
ESA
At 9
Actually can u come later in the week? I need to use it tomorrow to email university of windsor and other stufff.
Jessica Amber Murray
sure. just let me know when you get the netbook.
ESA
k
Do u wanna play risk?
Oh shit i didnt read your message
Never mind. Omg nevermind.
Hug hug hugzzz
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. it's ok. half of me wants to come, but i don't want to stumble in there half hungover. i've already been threatened with expulsion by my stepmother, which is like...try it...you know... i'm likely to get really edgy and start yelling. i think it's better if i chill by myself for the next few days.
ESA
Makes sense. Do yo thang gurrlllll
so, about that laptop... it's fine if you hang on to it until you get to windsor. what i'm thinking is probably the best thing to do when you get there is to take that one back, buy a new hard drive for this one (it shouldn't be too much) and then lend this one to you indefinitely.
ESA
No its ok! You can have it back now. I dont mind, really.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's not really the biggest priority for me. if you're using it, keep using it. i don't need it in any kind of urgency. are you going to want this one once i put a new drive in it?
ESA
Im trying to figure this out wth my dad.
Also, do you think i can move in with you for a bit?
Possibly? I ddont want to get rid of leroy :(
And i dont think i can quit smoking either
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. ok... so, the landlord thinks i'm a non-smoker and i promised i wouldn't bring any pets in the place. you can crash for a bit, and leroy can hang out outside, but i can't let you bring leroy in the house and i have to ask that all smoking is done in take-a-walk form. i'm pretty serious about quitting, or at least cutting down to almost nothing.
ESA
Oh ok..
I want t cut down too. I think i can only cut down to five a day though.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i've quit before. are you saying i can accomplish something you can't?
:P
i just can't have smoking around the place. and i told him it was just me coming, too....
ESA
Well. I am more addicted than you
No matter what, i win
Jessica Amber Murray
bah. i bet i've been smoking longer.... i'm going down next week. i have to run this by him first. and he's probably going to think i totally tricked him. i'm going to say this is tentative. again, i promised i'd tell him if i was going to let people stay for more than a day or two.
i *think* it should be fine..
it's just..
when you sign a lease for one person, and two people move in....
ESA
You dont have to tell him anything. Youre not doing anything illegal
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't want to start shit off on a wrong foot, though. i like this place and want to be there for a while.
the guy is actually really cool. i think he'll be fine with it.
ESA
Yeah ok. It was just as a last chance, if this room doesnt work out.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm pretty sure it's probably fine. it's funny. he asked me about ten times about a girl moving in. i was like "no". he was like "yeah, right. so when a girl moves in, just let me know." :P i think he'll be fine i just can't guarantee it... so, does that mean you don't need the computer anymore? if that's the case, i should grab it.
ESA
My dad is lending me his netbookk.
Jessica Amber Murray
k. well, when he does let me know. i'm going to be busy tomorrow and friday, but i can grab it on the weekend. although...i guess you're going to be somewhere else tomorrow....
ESA
Hmmm dunno
Jessica Amber Murray
are you in hintonburg now? could i grab it now?
ESA
no im not
will be later
at 9 i'm playing risk with playa if u wanna come
we need a third player
k lemme know
Jessica Amber Murray
i think i'll just stop in quick to grab the laptop, there's a thousand things i need to do tonight (and i have to be up early for the funeral). just lemme know when i can drop by for a sec...
ESA
At 9
Actually can u come later in the week? I need to use it tomorrow to email university of windsor and other stufff.
Jessica Amber Murray
sure. just let me know when you get the netbook.
ESA
k
Do u wanna play risk?
Oh shit i didnt read your message
Never mind. Omg nevermind.
Hug hug hugzzz
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. it's ok. half of me wants to come, but i don't want to stumble in there half hungover. i've already been threatened with expulsion by my stepmother, which is like...try it...you know... i'm likely to get really edgy and start yelling. i think it's better if i chill by myself for the next few days.
ESA
Makes sense. Do yo thang gurrlllll
Re: request for estimate
Your total price for the move is 2200$ and that includes everything; gas, driver, truck, tools to move, wrapping your stuff.
Please contact us for a confirmation.
Please contact us for a confirmation.
mom
Did you figure out a way yet?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i'm still exploring options. i want to give the trucker option a few more days before i book something.
mom
Sounds good. Hope it works out....Something will come...Always does.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm even steven. everything always works out for me.
mom
:)
Did you figure out a way yet?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i'm still exploring options. i want to give the trucker option a few more days before i book something.
mom
Sounds good. Hope it works out....Something will come...Always does.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm even steven. everything always works out for me.
mom
:)
request for estimate
i'm moving from ottawa to windsor. the amount of furniture is minimal, but i have a lot of instruments and boxes of books and cds to move.
i should only require one mover. if it's possible, i'd like to also hitch a ride down with the truck. in all honesty, i'm considering the option of pro movers almost solely because i don't have a driver's license; i'm looking for a driver more than i am a mover. the actual moving itself is of minimal labour, and i'll be glad to help move the objects on and off of the truck myself.
so, this is what i'm moving:
- 1 bed
- 1 desk
- 1 recliner chair
- 1 bookcase
- 2 pcs (one has a standalone crt monitor, the other has an lcd in a box)
- 6,7,8? guitars. i can't even remember. most are in cases, a few are loose.
- 2 synthesizers (one in a box, one in a case)
- a boxed electronic drum kit
- two full stereo systems (receivers, standalone cd players, speakers, cassette, vinyl)
- i'm going to over-estimate the number of boxes to about 50. most of them are grand and toy paper boxes full of books, cds and other various things. some of them have electronics (mixers, controllers,etc).
all in all, i think i need just slightly more space than a budget-type cube van, but note that if i can fit everything in except a box or two then i'm comfortable mailing what's left.
j
i should only require one mover. if it's possible, i'd like to also hitch a ride down with the truck. in all honesty, i'm considering the option of pro movers almost solely because i don't have a driver's license; i'm looking for a driver more than i am a mover. the actual moving itself is of minimal labour, and i'll be glad to help move the objects on and off of the truck myself.
so, this is what i'm moving:
- 1 bed
- 1 desk
- 1 recliner chair
- 1 bookcase
- 2 pcs (one has a standalone crt monitor, the other has an lcd in a box)
- 6,7,8? guitars. i can't even remember. most are in cases, a few are loose.
- 2 synthesizers (one in a box, one in a case)
- a boxed electronic drum kit
- two full stereo systems (receivers, standalone cd players, speakers, cassette, vinyl)
- i'm going to over-estimate the number of boxes to about 50. most of them are grand and toy paper boxes full of books, cds and other various things. some of them have electronics (mixers, controllers,etc).
all in all, i think i need just slightly more space than a budget-type cube van, but note that if i can fit everything in except a box or two then i'm comfortable mailing what's left.
j
Jessica Amber Murray
if it turns out that the cheapest way to do this is to get a budget rental van, drive down there, drop the van off and then send the driver home on the bus, would you be willing to be the driver? you could stay a few days if you want.
what i'm hoping i can arrange is for a trucker that's going through or to windsor to literally drop by their place, pick the stuff up and give me and the stiff a lift down. that would be cheap and convenient, but i'm not sure it's going to work out.
mom
OMG!...I do have a valid license...But...J...I have been drinking beer for days now!...And what about my Charlie Brown?...It would be a nightmare!.....Harley's are roaring outside like bangbuster gangsters right now....I think they are telling me it is not a good idea for me. Sorry.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's ok, i'll try to find somebody else.
mom
Sorry. I want to be helpful, but am unable for this.
if it turns out that the cheapest way to do this is to get a budget rental van, drive down there, drop the van off and then send the driver home on the bus, would you be willing to be the driver? you could stay a few days if you want.
what i'm hoping i can arrange is for a trucker that's going through or to windsor to literally drop by their place, pick the stuff up and give me and the stiff a lift down. that would be cheap and convenient, but i'm not sure it's going to work out.
mom
OMG!...I do have a valid license...But...J...I have been drinking beer for days now!...And what about my Charlie Brown?...It would be a nightmare!.....Harley's are roaring outside like bangbuster gangsters right now....I think they are telling me it is not a good idea for me. Sorry.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's ok, i'll try to find somebody else.
mom
Sorry. I want to be helpful, but am unable for this.
sears
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i called sears and the process works as follows:
1) somebody calls and informs sears that the cardholder is deceased. i could have done that myself, but i decided to wait to talk to you about it first.
2) sears mails a check to the estate of the deceased person.
so, if there's a credit on the card, you just need to call (or i can call back) and tell them. they'll send a check to your house.
i'm still hoping i can access this credit. if you'd like, i can call. you could then sign the check over to me.
if you still don't want to do that, so be it.
as for the discussion last night, i want to reiterate that i do not want to fight over the next few days and that there will not be a problem at the funeral tomorrow or on friday unless you decide to create one.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i called sears and the process works as follows:
1) somebody calls and informs sears that the cardholder is deceased. i could have done that myself, but i decided to wait to talk to you about it first.
2) sears mails a check to the estate of the deceased person.
so, if there's a credit on the card, you just need to call (or i can call back) and tell them. they'll send a check to your house.
i'm still hoping i can access this credit. if you'd like, i can call. you could then sign the check over to me.
if you still don't want to do that, so be it.
as for the discussion last night, i want to reiterate that i do not want to fight over the next few days and that there will not be a problem at the funeral tomorrow or on friday unless you decide to create one.
j
RE: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
if you're going to force me to make a scene, i'll make one.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
if you're going to force me to make a scene, i'll make one.
j
RE: Coat
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Ok....I will now have to notify the police of your intent!
You have now put me in a position where I will also need a police person here when you come get your stuff...
The will was signed by him and his signature witnessed at our lawyer's office in Nov 2011....
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Ok....I will now have to notify the police of your intent!
You have now put me in a position where I will also need a police person here when you come get your stuff...
The will was signed by him and his signature witnessed at our lawyer's office in Nov 2011....
RE: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
if you try and block me from the funeral, i'm going to smash down every door and break every window in the place. if you try and remove me, i'm going to attack with intent to harm. if you send the cops after me, you'd better tell them that while i'm not armed i'm certainly violent.
as for the will, i would like to see it, please.
he wasn't himself after the surgery. you said so yourself. mental retardation may or may not be the correct term to use, but he was certainly suffering from brain damage as the result of repeated lobotomies. that term was used in confidence with my mother in a state of frustration and wasn't meant to be circled around to other people. the way you're throwing it at me is also taking it very badly out of context. a mentally retarded person, or a person suffering from brain damage due to lobotomy, is not incapable of forming intents and desires. in dad's case, it put him in a degraded position where he was unable to do basic things for himself, but it didn't prevent him from having ideas or thoughts. it just prevented him from acting them out.
we had this discussion when he was in the hospital with the blood clots. yes, he was highly medicated and not thinking clearly as a result of that. however, he was legitimately concerned that he was being placed under the care of people that he didn't trust to fully act in his own desires. he was strongly concerned about losing the ability to sign things for himself and that it may result in decisions being made for him that he didn't agree with. i carefully assured him that the role of the caretaker in such a circumstance is to ensure that they are carrying out the patient's desires, and that he could trust me to make sure that his desires were carried out.
to place my comment in proper context, i was talking about how his death was a release from suffering. he was in constant pain, he wasn't able to think properly, etc. the mental damage he incurred caused him great suffering. i'm a strong advocate of assisted suicide. i feel it's better to let people release themselves from a cage of existential suffering, should they choose, than to force them through to the very end. i know he wanted to fight, and he fought hard, but in the end he gave up, and i do feel that, after several years of suffering, escaping from that suffering, letting go of that pain, is something that should be celebrated rather than mourned.
i have a different perception of death, probably largely because i have a different perception of existence and a different perception of religion. it would be more enlightened for you to try and understand and respect that different perspective rather than to forcefully reject it as an other.
but, as i was saying before, you have never been interested in doing that. you see the world through your own limited perspective, and reject anything that doesn't conform to it. then, you try to coerce other people to see things the same way as you do through shows of excessive force.
i'd just like to see the will, please. i'd like to see if he actually signed it himself.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
if you try and block me from the funeral, i'm going to smash down every door and break every window in the place. if you try and remove me, i'm going to attack with intent to harm. if you send the cops after me, you'd better tell them that while i'm not armed i'm certainly violent.
as for the will, i would like to see it, please.
he wasn't himself after the surgery. you said so yourself. mental retardation may or may not be the correct term to use, but he was certainly suffering from brain damage as the result of repeated lobotomies. that term was used in confidence with my mother in a state of frustration and wasn't meant to be circled around to other people. the way you're throwing it at me is also taking it very badly out of context. a mentally retarded person, or a person suffering from brain damage due to lobotomy, is not incapable of forming intents and desires. in dad's case, it put him in a degraded position where he was unable to do basic things for himself, but it didn't prevent him from having ideas or thoughts. it just prevented him from acting them out.
we had this discussion when he was in the hospital with the blood clots. yes, he was highly medicated and not thinking clearly as a result of that. however, he was legitimately concerned that he was being placed under the care of people that he didn't trust to fully act in his own desires. he was strongly concerned about losing the ability to sign things for himself and that it may result in decisions being made for him that he didn't agree with. i carefully assured him that the role of the caretaker in such a circumstance is to ensure that they are carrying out the patient's desires, and that he could trust me to make sure that his desires were carried out.
to place my comment in proper context, i was talking about how his death was a release from suffering. he was in constant pain, he wasn't able to think properly, etc. the mental damage he incurred caused him great suffering. i'm a strong advocate of assisted suicide. i feel it's better to let people release themselves from a cage of existential suffering, should they choose, than to force them through to the very end. i know he wanted to fight, and he fought hard, but in the end he gave up, and i do feel that, after several years of suffering, escaping from that suffering, letting go of that pain, is something that should be celebrated rather than mourned.
i have a different perception of death, probably largely because i have a different perception of existence and a different perception of religion. it would be more enlightened for you to try and understand and respect that different perspective rather than to forcefully reject it as an other.
but, as i was saying before, you have never been interested in doing that. you see the world through your own limited perspective, and reject anything that doesn't conform to it. then, you try to coerce other people to see things the same way as you do through shows of excessive force.
i'd just like to see the will, please. i'd like to see if he actually signed it himself.
j
is mourning selfish?
if it's not selfish, what is it? well, the opposite of selfishness is altruism. can mourning be altruistic? i think it can be if there's a group aspect to it, if it's about helping others move on. there can be a shared catharsis. however, at the root of this is still selfishness. we need each other to help us get over our selfish responses of loss.
could it be neither selfish nor altruistic (i'm down with ternary logic for most real world applications)? in the sense that it's largely an uncontrollable reaction, perhaps. yet, i think this only applies to the initial reaction that happens upon learning of one's passing. the moment it gets dragged on past that initial reaction, it becomes selfish in the sense that it's a sort of self-pity.
now, let me throw in a twist: in the specific circumstance that a loved one goes through a lengthy period of great suffering before their death, can mourning be altruistic?
it seems to me like the clearly altruistic approach is not mourning but celebration. to really empathize with the loved one is to recognize that the suffering is over, that the cage of existence has been broken free from, that the hopelessness has ceased, that the horror has lifted....
what is altruistic about wishing a return to an existence of suffering? really, what could be more selfish?
so, is mourning ever *not* selfish?
if it's not selfish, what is it? well, the opposite of selfishness is altruism. can mourning be altruistic? i think it can be if there's a group aspect to it, if it's about helping others move on. there can be a shared catharsis. however, at the root of this is still selfishness. we need each other to help us get over our selfish responses of loss.
could it be neither selfish nor altruistic (i'm down with ternary logic for most real world applications)? in the sense that it's largely an uncontrollable reaction, perhaps. yet, i think this only applies to the initial reaction that happens upon learning of one's passing. the moment it gets dragged on past that initial reaction, it becomes selfish in the sense that it's a sort of self-pity.
now, let me throw in a twist: in the specific circumstance that a loved one goes through a lengthy period of great suffering before their death, can mourning be altruistic?
it seems to me like the clearly altruistic approach is not mourning but celebration. to really empathize with the loved one is to recognize that the suffering is over, that the cage of existence has been broken free from, that the hopelessness has ceased, that the horror has lifted....
what is altruistic about wishing a return to an existence of suffering? really, what could be more selfish?
so, is mourning ever *not* selfish?
RE: Coat
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
There is a will and everything goes to me. If there were anything left to anyone else the lawyer would contact them directly .Anyway, how could you possibly take seriously anything that might have been discussed in passing with someone you considered mentally retarded for the last 6 months....
...and don't try me as I will call the police if I have to....You should know that!
Why pretend you care now? Or is it for an audience?
As well, I am paying for the funeral so it is my prerogative to ensure it is not disturbed by someone who is acting irrational!
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
There is a will and everything goes to me. If there were anything left to anyone else the lawyer would contact them directly .Anyway, how could you possibly take seriously anything that might have been discussed in passing with someone you considered mentally retarded for the last 6 months....
...and don't try me as I will call the police if I have to....You should know that!
Why pretend you care now? Or is it for an audience?
As well, I am paying for the funeral so it is my prerogative to ensure it is not disturbed by someone who is acting irrational!
RE: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i would, however, like to know if my father left a will. if he did, i'd like to see it.
i understand that most of the wealth in the union was yours, and i don't want to take things that don't belong to me. certainly, $400 a month would eventually exceed his contributions altogether, let alone whatever he may have decided to put aside for me - i understood immediately that this was not a sustainable agreement and that it would eventually run out. however, i feel like he was trying to set something up that day in the bedroom, and that the agreement we came to was very important to him. he wanted to ensure i was taken care of because he's come to understand that i'm not fully capable of taking care of myself. notwithstanding the money that you did wire, which i appreciate, i'm a little disappointed that you decided to renege on the deal so quickly after his passing. i didn't think it would continue forever, but i thought it would be more than four months.
in truth, i'm just a little bit confused as to what he directed should happen and would like to take a look at his instructions myself.
...and i'd like to see you try to remove me from my father's funeral.
you're going to need a fucking army, or a lot of sedatives. i'll start throwing punches before i get led out. and i'll knock the fucking door down if you try and lock me out...
so, don't even fucking think about it.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i would, however, like to know if my father left a will. if he did, i'd like to see it.
i understand that most of the wealth in the union was yours, and i don't want to take things that don't belong to me. certainly, $400 a month would eventually exceed his contributions altogether, let alone whatever he may have decided to put aside for me - i understood immediately that this was not a sustainable agreement and that it would eventually run out. however, i feel like he was trying to set something up that day in the bedroom, and that the agreement we came to was very important to him. he wanted to ensure i was taken care of because he's come to understand that i'm not fully capable of taking care of myself. notwithstanding the money that you did wire, which i appreciate, i'm a little disappointed that you decided to renege on the deal so quickly after his passing. i didn't think it would continue forever, but i thought it would be more than four months.
in truth, i'm just a little bit confused as to what he directed should happen and would like to take a look at his instructions myself.
...and i'd like to see you try to remove me from my father's funeral.
you're going to need a fucking army, or a lot of sedatives. i'll start throwing punches before i get led out. and i'll knock the fucking door down if you try and lock me out...
so, don't even fucking think about it.
j
RE: Coat
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I totally agree it is best that we no longer communicate. I will likely see you Thursday and when you pick up your stuff next week that will definitely be the last time. Although your dad asked me to be there for you that is an impossible request. If by what you refer to as not supporting your decisions means others should work to support you then you are totally right.
The way you have treated your father and the things you have posted about him are atrocious. As well the way you have treated your sister is unbelievably ignorant.
It's not all about you! I have lost my husband and your sister has lost her father. During a week when we are grieving you have caused us nothing but extra grief and stress. I do not hate you but I do pity you and hope someday you will realize all the hurt you have caused your family.
I have no intentions of arguing with you but take heed that if you are not on your best behaviour Thursday I will have you removed from the funeral parlour!
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I totally agree it is best that we no longer communicate. I will likely see you Thursday and when you pick up your stuff next week that will definitely be the last time. Although your dad asked me to be there for you that is an impossible request. If by what you refer to as not supporting your decisions means others should work to support you then you are totally right.
The way you have treated your father and the things you have posted about him are atrocious. As well the way you have treated your sister is unbelievably ignorant.
It's not all about you! I have lost my husband and your sister has lost her father. During a week when we are grieving you have caused us nothing but extra grief and stress. I do not hate you but I do pity you and hope someday you will realize all the hurt you have caused your family.
I have no intentions of arguing with you but take heed that if you are not on your best behaviour Thursday I will have you removed from the funeral parlour!
Re: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i sent that last part, i'm very edgy right now. i did just lose my father, who has also been my best friend for most of my life. we haven't seen each other yet, but i'm more than a little bit shaky. i'm moving out of the city and trying to find a way to not spend the entirety of that $1500 on moving (i'd even like to give the bulk of it back to her).
i got a little overwhelmed for a moment and should have chosen my words more carefully. if i could rephrase that....
i find the idea that you would need d or ferris there extremely insulting. i feel it's rooted in a vendetta rather than anything rational. whatever delusion it's rooted in is not remotely reflective of reality. it's the end of a long string of extremely insulting gestures from you that goes back many years.
i appreciate the things that you've done for me, including wiring me the money the other day. but i think it's going to be better for both of us if we go our separate ways next week and no longer communicate at all. i think i've tried hard to be accommodating and accepting of you as somebody that is drastically different than me, and the sum of what i've received back is a lack of respect for who i am and what i want out of life. instead of being supportive in my decisions and helping me reach the goals that i've set for myself, which is what a good parent or parental substitute should do, you've consistently tried to force your own perceptions and ideals upon me. when you disagree with a decision, you withhold support and/or try and sabotage it. i don't think it's healthy for us to continue under these conditions.
again, i'm sorry for the language i used. while i legitimately feel your tactics are sometimes hateful and sometimes childish, and often vengeful, there wasn't anything to be gained by being standoffish or confrontational.
it's just a few more days. i'd be happy if we could get through this without fighting. i'll promise to try my best to not start an argument, and hope the feeling is mutual.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i sent that last part, i'm very edgy right now. i did just lose my father, who has also been my best friend for most of my life. we haven't seen each other yet, but i'm more than a little bit shaky. i'm moving out of the city and trying to find a way to not spend the entirety of that $1500 on moving (i'd even like to give the bulk of it back to her).
i got a little overwhelmed for a moment and should have chosen my words more carefully. if i could rephrase that....
i find the idea that you would need d or ferris there extremely insulting. i feel it's rooted in a vendetta rather than anything rational. whatever delusion it's rooted in is not remotely reflective of reality. it's the end of a long string of extremely insulting gestures from you that goes back many years.
i appreciate the things that you've done for me, including wiring me the money the other day. but i think it's going to be better for both of us if we go our separate ways next week and no longer communicate at all. i think i've tried hard to be accommodating and accepting of you as somebody that is drastically different than me, and the sum of what i've received back is a lack of respect for who i am and what i want out of life. instead of being supportive in my decisions and helping me reach the goals that i've set for myself, which is what a good parent or parental substitute should do, you've consistently tried to force your own perceptions and ideals upon me. when you disagree with a decision, you withhold support and/or try and sabotage it. i don't think it's healthy for us to continue under these conditions.
again, i'm sorry for the language i used. while i legitimately feel your tactics are sometimes hateful and sometimes childish, and often vengeful, there wasn't anything to be gained by being standoffish or confrontational.
it's just a few more days. i'd be happy if we could get through this without fighting. i'll promise to try my best to not start an argument, and hope the feeling is mutual.
j
sung with a bluesy swagger...
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
didn't know where i was, or if you'd see me no more
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
just had a crash course at the school of hard knocks,
and all you wanted to do was smell my socks.
all you wanted to do was
SMELL MY SOCKS
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
didn't know where i was, or if you'd see me no more
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
just had a crash course at the school of hard knocks,
and all you wanted to do was smell my socks.
all you wanted to do was
SMELL MY SOCKS
Re: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm going to call sears in the morning. that credit shouldn't just vanish. can i ask how much it was? it does make more sense to get things in windsor, but there's a sears in windsor....
there's a stove and a fridge there, but the landlord has waved responsibility in dealing with them. given that he's only charging $650 rent all inclusive...that's going to barely cover utilities and property taxes. this place would be about at least $1200 here. he'd be losing money if he replaced them. well, that's windsor, for you; at least by renting it, he's not just paying out taxes. i haven't plugged the stove in yet, but he says it works. i may be able to use it. the fridge is broken....
i'll give her the coat back, but i think she's being very selfish. it's going to sit in her closet; i could be wearing it. hell, i'd rather see it donated to charity than placed in the back of a closet. that's the least useful option. and i think he'd agree with me. jewelry and pens and trophies are meant to kept for souvenirs; clothing is meant to be worn.
i should be able to lift the boxes myself, there's nothing heavy being moved.
i'm going to go to odsp tomorrow and ask about the moving supplement. the website claims it's discretionary. i need to know if there is anything that is definitely *not* covered, and what things are most likely to be covered.
one of the ideas i'm thinking about is renting space in the back of a large truck. like, getting a trucker to stop by and pick the stuff up, then hitching with the trucker down. i'd only do that if it's really cheap. there are websites set up for this purpose. so far, the responses have been very expensive, but i'm going to give that a few days to work itself out. i wouldn't be able to know too far in advance, but it would be some time early next week.
i also may end up shipping things out by train or bus, in which case i'd need to make multiple trips and/or ask you to help me get the stuff there with your van (if it's still around - i haven't seen it recently).
the other option is to ask my mother to drive a budget van down. with gas and a bus ticket back, that's going to cost roughly $450. that's not so bad for a most expensive option, especially if odsp covers most of it.
i'll try to get more info in the next few days. but i don't really have any interest in playing stupid games, and would appreciate it if you didn't stoop so low as to waste d's time with your hateful tactics of childish vengeance.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm going to call sears in the morning. that credit shouldn't just vanish. can i ask how much it was? it does make more sense to get things in windsor, but there's a sears in windsor....
there's a stove and a fridge there, but the landlord has waved responsibility in dealing with them. given that he's only charging $650 rent all inclusive...that's going to barely cover utilities and property taxes. this place would be about at least $1200 here. he'd be losing money if he replaced them. well, that's windsor, for you; at least by renting it, he's not just paying out taxes. i haven't plugged the stove in yet, but he says it works. i may be able to use it. the fridge is broken....
i'll give her the coat back, but i think she's being very selfish. it's going to sit in her closet; i could be wearing it. hell, i'd rather see it donated to charity than placed in the back of a closet. that's the least useful option. and i think he'd agree with me. jewelry and pens and trophies are meant to kept for souvenirs; clothing is meant to be worn.
i should be able to lift the boxes myself, there's nothing heavy being moved.
i'm going to go to odsp tomorrow and ask about the moving supplement. the website claims it's discretionary. i need to know if there is anything that is definitely *not* covered, and what things are most likely to be covered.
one of the ideas i'm thinking about is renting space in the back of a large truck. like, getting a trucker to stop by and pick the stuff up, then hitching with the trucker down. i'd only do that if it's really cheap. there are websites set up for this purpose. so far, the responses have been very expensive, but i'm going to give that a few days to work itself out. i wouldn't be able to know too far in advance, but it would be some time early next week.
i also may end up shipping things out by train or bus, in which case i'd need to make multiple trips and/or ask you to help me get the stuff there with your van (if it's still around - i haven't seen it recently).
the other option is to ask my mother to drive a budget van down. with gas and a bus ticket back, that's going to cost roughly $450. that's not so bad for a most expensive option, especially if odsp covers most of it.
i'll try to get more info in the next few days. but i don't really have any interest in playing stupid games, and would appreciate it if you didn't stoop so low as to waste d's time with your hateful tactics of childish vengeance.
j
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