but, no doctor would ever diagnose me with anything of the sort.

and, none ever has.

i mean...

do i hate people because there's something wrong with me?

or, do i hate people because there's something wrong with them?

you're all a bunch of worthless, pieces of shit - and i'll defend that thesis with a fair bit of force. but, i'll acknowledge the possibility of something underlying it, even if i'll argue it's so weak as to be otherwise imperceptible. 

so, it's probably a little of both.

...but it's mostly the second option.

i'm more concerned about the effects of exposure to smoking on my sex hormones, as that's something that seems to actually be real.

rules are designed for and embraced by dumb people that lack critical thinking skills and a developed sense of individuality.

i don't care about rules very much and don't have much interest in following them, but that's a sign of heightened intelligence, rather than a suggestion of decreased intelligence.

and, no, i don't have any symptoms of fetal alcohol syndrome, and nobody has ever suggested that i do.

- i was a shy child

- i was a passive child

in fact, they sent me to karate to try to toughen me up.

- i'm also a shy, passive adult. if anything, i have distinct problems with an inability to be assertive, and an inability to get angry when i need to be.

- i was a gifted child in elementary school

- i passed a test to skip grade 4, but the principal cancelled it due to staffing issues

- i have degrees in mathematics, computer science and law

i have never been diagnosed with a learning disability, and nobody has ever suggested or suspected that i might have one.

i am particularly disinterested in people, which might place me into some kind of high-functioning asperger's category. i'd accept something like that. but, these kinds of mutations underlying autism are actually legitimately random and can't be assigned to any particular cause. there's actually no specific reason that people are born on the autism spectrum - it's literally completely random, bullshit luck.

so, i mean, people can say stupid things if they want. we live in a free society.  i'd be happy to sue them for defamation, if such things were to be made aware to me. but, it's more important to me that we look at the facts, and the facts are that such claims are without any factual - or any logical - basis.

if you honestly think i'm retarded, it suggests that you're probably not so bright, yourself.

so, my mom finally admitted that she smoked when she was pregnant with me. there was also a period of early drinking, when she didn't realize she was pregnant - and she's a heavy drinker, when she drinks.

i've asked her that more than twice, and she always denied it. i can understand a level of embarrassment, and tying it to a level of perceived consequence - if there's nothing wrong with me, right? but, it's a very likely cause of low testosterone, and fits very neatly into the puzzle.

i don't remember her pregnancy with my full sister, but she used to sneak smokes when she was pregnant with my half-sister. quitting smoking is hard, and it was clear she didn't intend to keep with it afterwards.

so, here's a sequence of events to help me understand how to react to the bmd:

- my mom smoked during pregnancy, as well as when i was an infant and into childhood. i wasn't removed from the situation until i was about 13.

- that would have stunted pubertal development, and reduced testosterone production.

- removing me from the situation at 13 seems to have only had minimal effects.

- along with what i realize today was a poor diet based mostly on restaurant leftovers and frozen food (like microwaved burritos) due to generally preparing my own meals (my father was at least attentive enough to ensure there was sufficient amounts of food, so i wasn't hungry, even if that food was very frequently of low quality), i probably never developed substantive levels of bone mass. my stepmother was faux lactose intolerant (she had some kind of weird issue with milk products due to it's fat content, pretended she was lactose intolerant and banned dairy from entering the house), so you had to fight with her to get dairy in the house. there was never milk around, although i successfully lobbied for cheese - although she only allowed low fat varieties. my mom at least made sure i got dairy. 

- so, i went from second-hand smoke to no dairy, and the latter may have even been worse.

- i remember having sore joints from walking in the 00s (in my 20s), before i went back on hormones.

- that seems to have gotten better after 2010, and seems to have gotten much better after 2016 (when i increased my estrogen dosage)

- the switch to generic seems to be decreasing absorption, but it's probably merely unmasking a pre-existing condition.

short term solution - more estrogen.

and, let's measure it first and then react.

i talk to the doctor again on monday and can order growth hormone tests as well as some other things. hopefully, osteocalcin will be here soon.

at this point, my response is "thin the herd".

i don't care at all anymore, if i ever really did to begin with.

https://globalnews.ca/news/7981772/covid-19-infections-death-unvaccinated/