people wonder why i don't trust my mother...

mom
J..You need to get yourself another doctor down there and when the time comes your disability can certainly be extended or most likely be ongoing till you are 65...But you need to get yourself a doctor. Love You.... If you need to talk, I am here too!

Well...First find a gp and they will refer you... You need to talk like in your last post...That you feel very suicidal and stuff... I know, I know....A mental disability is much easier to get than a physical one. Play the game, if you have to... I mean, it is there for people...So, take advantage of it.... You can also pick up another $250.00 a month for a food allowance. You are sooooo slim, you can say that have been anorexic since you were a teen. It is ridiculous that they give the whole amount of the money for that syndrome.

But, they do.

Jessica Amber Murray
it's a two year short term odsp that runs out in september, when i'll have to go to an interview. i'm very much hoping it will get extended, but i'm not confident of it. "dysthemia" is total fucking bullshit, and they're going to know that. so it's going to depend on the attitude of the people, etc. but i was just thinking that i could probably get a diagnosis for something more serious. i bet i could convince a doctor to put me on the autism spectrum, then explain why that means i can't work. the life expectancy on my dad's side is well under 60. the oldest aunt looks like she's next. i bet the surviving uncle outlives them all...but he's not doing well either.... but, yeah. i should prioritize getting to a doctor. i remember wanting to do this a while ago and then realizing ohip doesn't cover anything psychological....but odsp might...

mom
Also say that you are lactose intolerant, have high cholersterol(sp?)(which, I believe you do).... and there are a few other things that will get you the whole thing...Look it up on the internet. I had to tell my doctor what to fill out and he did without a problem...I was thin like you...Oh and you have the irritable bowel syndrome thingy too...I think??

Jessica Amber Murray
i've never been tested for any of these things. i haven't been going to regular doctor checkups since i was in junior high school. i just hated waiting around for the doctor to finish, and i had a fear of needles i've never gotten over. i don't think i've ever told anybody that i skipped out on all of the booster shots back in jr high school, including that one year where there was a mandatory meningitis vaccination. the doctor almost killed me a few years ago for not having a tetanus shot on record. i skipped so many dr appointments in high school that the dr actually dropped me as a patient.

it's been infrequent clinic visits since...i figure doctors should be an on-demand service rather than something that's done on a regular schedule...

so, yeah. there could be any number of things wrong with me, but i have no idea. i would expect that my cholesterol is very low, actually. that’s not genetics, it’s lifestyle. my blood pressure has always been more or less "perfect". i’m not lactose intolerant. i don’t have a diagnosis for ibs, and don’t think i have it. i’m pretty physically healthy, really.

mom
I remember your cholesterol was high at one point....prolly genetic, cause mine is high and so is Nanny's...The anorexia, they can never know for sure...I just said that I suffered from it since I was a teen...Irritable bowel syndrome has no test...they just go by symptoms...

Jessica Amber Murray
no – i’m certain i’ve never had high cholesterol. you’re thinking of somebody else.

mom
you did!

Jessica Amber Murray
mom, i’ve spent most of my life biking twenty miles a week. i have no memory of being checked, but i almost certainly have exceedingly low cholesterol.

mom
your mother knows

Jessica Amber Murray
she clearly does not.

mom
listen to your mother!

Jessica Amber Murray.
ugh. whatever….

mom
Lactose intolerance....I said I have it...Said I have cramps and diarrhea every time I drink milk or eat cheese...LOL...Yeah right! I live on the damn stuff!...Oh well...They don't test one for it.

Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that stuff is whatever. if you gave me an extra $200/month, i'd probably just smoke a lot more pot. there's some bookshelves and stuff i'd like to get, but i don't really need it, long term. well, unless the rent goes up, i guess. but right now i'm more concerned about making sure i don't get kicked off it altogether. I think honesty is a better idea.

mom
Remember, my stinky little Charlie Brown's breath! Well...He had 8 rotten teeth pulled the other day, and they cleaned the rest...He smells wonderful now! Well, the extra money comes in handy for sure! You have to get an application form for special diet allowance and get your doc to fill it out. I truly believe that if you get a doc there asap..Your disability will be extended for sure.

Alot of times they start off with the 2year thing and then extend it for ongoing years and then you get a letter saying you are on it till you are 65.

Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, but i've noticed a lot of people seem to give me this "wtf?" look when i walk in there, after they've seen my profile. young, white genetic male with no physical issues and a b. mathematics. how many retarded people have math degrees? oh. she's "depressed", poor baby. maybe cutting her off benefits will get her strength back up... see, that's what i'm worried about: some fucking thatcherite that thinks that Work Makes Us Strong and throwing me to the wolves will Toughen Me Up. these sadistic freaks actually exist. they've become more and more powerful over the last 20 years. it's the dominant mindset of bureaucrats since the mid 90s and may still have another decade or two of getting worse before a generational renewal reverses it....

mom
They look at what the doctor says in his report. Find your own doctor...They have to go by what the doctor says.... And talk alot about how depressed you feel and stuff....They cannot take any chances with a depressed person.

Jessica Amber Murray
i think it does come down mostly to the doctor.

mom
Yes, it does for sure. If you say that you are feeling OK most of the time...Then he/she puts that down...If you say that you are so depressed that it is hard on many days to even get out of bed and you have no energy and you starve yourself cause you feel fat all the time and you feel you are not in control of your life and you are not sure what you may do to yourself sometimes and you idolize suicide....They will NOT take any chances!

Yes...They will throw a script at you...Fill it...But just don't take it and get it refilled when necessary....throw them away.

Jessica Amber Murray
i'm really going to aim more for the asd or schizophrenic diagnosis. i think they're both accurate. i mean, there's obvious reasons why i've wanted to avoid those diagnoses. employment opportunities are going to dry up for autistic people. but that logic is no longer really applicable. i do not think i suffer from anything remotely close to clinical depression. i do think i have schizophrenia. and i do think i'm asd, in the broadest sense.

mom
Just come across as rather neurotic and that you are not sure about life anymore....That you cry alot and you feel deep down that you are unworthy and stuff....Don't diagnose yourself to them...Let them do it.

Jessica Amber Murray
but, i don’t cry to myself or feel I’m worthless. i’m not going to lie to them. what i *actually* tell people when they ask is that i'm on disability because i'm just flat out mad. and in all honesty that's the closest thing to the truth.

mom
Talk alot about being paranoid and stuff...

Jessica Amber Murray
i think it's a sort of a controlled schizophrenia.

mom
Yeah, well perhaps...But true schizophrenics are unaware of their condition...They believe these things are true and cannot tell the difference....So, don't tell them that! Let them diagnose you.

Jessica Amber Murray
i don’t think the part about schizophrenics being unaware of their delusions is actually true.

mom
I'm not sure either...But, I have seen a few over my lifetime and they appear to believe their delusions to be true.

In different therapy groups and places where I have spent some time many years ago when I was young...

It was very strange listening to them talk sometimes....

Jessica Amber Murray
in the most severe states, sure. and that's of course the fear that all schizophrenics live with. but i think the general condition is one that has more to do with balancing deductive and empirical reasoning. what happens is that deductive processes overpower empirical ones, leading people into these fantasies that make perfect sense to them on a rational level, and yet have nothing to do with reality as it's measured sensually. if you study my behaviour, that type of difficulty with deductive reasoning overpowering empirical reasoning goes right back to jhostbusters. it explains a lot of my behavioural problems, which in a lot of cases had to do with me being unable to construct the logic underlying the rules (and, rather, having my own sense of deductive reasoning that concluded my actions were justified). there's a big overlap with schizophrenia and mathematics. i don't think that's an accident: both are the result of exaggerating logic and deduction over evidence and experience.

anyways, if there's something to that, it follows that it's controllable by paying extra attention to empirical evidence. and that seems to be the focus that the schizophrenics i've read about (i've never met any) use to control it without meds. which is the same method i use.

i really, really don’t want to take the drugs.

mom
You are so knowledgeable on the subject for sure! I can't even understand the half of it....I need a dictionary to decipher much of what you are saying....What does empirical mean?

Jessica Amber Murray
this is sort of what i'm talking about, except i'm inserting deductive for "common sense" (based on a distinction in types of european philosophy): http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/005699.html

Jeff
Your a brilliant person, just need to focus that on something that allows you to make money in the process. Surprised you never ended up in the science field or book writing for example. As far as life goes take it one day at a time and I'm sure you'll find something you like. Music is your passion but your mind was meant for far more! That's why I say science or writing books on sociology. Hang in there k

You might argue sociology due to certain personal traits like not liking other people but it doesn't mean you don't understand human behavior or deep thought into peoples behavior or actions cause from some posts you write I think you do at least write good thoughts on alot of issues so...what I'm saying is write books or papers for universities and see where it takes you,might axially get published!!

Jessica Amber Murray
*sigh*. i appreciate the kind words, but i'm really just venting. i don't think we ever communicated much over the internet back in the day, but these kinds of written rants are pretty normal for me. i've actually had a lot of difficulty separating the perception of the internet i grew up with (specifically, something that does not exist in real life) with the actuality of the internet in my adult life (something that does). ten or fifteen years ago, i would have posted that rant on a message board somewhere...now it's facebook...the difference is more in who sees it. that is to say that, while i don't think there's much of a path there, i do think i'm ok. i'm mostly just working out thoughts...

Jeff
Just thought id let you know that I hope you figure it out and stay positive Jess.

i've been informed by multiple people that that last post was hard to read and have changed the privacy settings on it. i apologize if it upset you. i'm acknowledging it was upsetting.

i should probably start a livejournal site or something. is that site still up...?

except that this *is* that.

see, if i release the evil energy through my fingers then it escapes and floats off into the galaxy, leaving me free of it's consequences. i felt better not after posting it but while i was typing it. and that's the real point. you'll note that i'm sort of unflappable, aren't i? except i'm not, i just have my yoga typing rituals. public/private distinction.

...'cept, due to the adoption of various internet conventions, my latrine is now at the front of my house and y'all are on the lawn. what was once a way to expunge negative thought through a well hidden back out is now airing soiled laundry. and i don't quite want to yell at anybody to get off the lawn just yet.

but, this is a journal, and i'm going to exaggerate a bit sometimes. i'm agreeing that that was a tad heavy, heavy enough that it only needed to be posted just for me, and mostly because it is, in fact, hard to read, but a journal is the nature of what this is, and it's going to get a little prickly sometimes.

it doesn't seem to matter what i do, that crushing feeling of emptiness is periodically inevitable. it's tied into realizing that the meaning i've temporarily tricked myself into creating is entirely constructed. and, getting out of it for another few days is a process that requires fooling myself once again. sometimes, i look back and actually cry about how trivial my motivations are. but they're the only motivations i have...

i don't need drugs. i'm not malfunctioning. i've come to a series of careful, reasoned conclusions and if you allow me the space to lay my arguments out i could very well convince the cheeriest people alive of these empty feelings that they seem to be oblivious to. to me, that's the head-scratching part of it. i really don't understand how so many people can be so happy - or bother pretending they're so happy - in the face of so much pointlessness. i don't want to understand this, either, as i feel it would necessarily require destroying a substantial number of brain cells.

i should have killed myself a long time ago, but i can't even really work up the nerve of even that. what's the point of suicide? i mean, these fleeting moments of contrived happiness, as well as these constant trials with myself, are surely more valuable than nothing at all? i'm most content when i ignore purpose and just exist. but i just can't come to terms with that in more than isolated stretches. i'm just constantly overwhelmed.

right now i'm mad at myself for it. i'm usually not. but right now i know i have to take advantage of this small period of freedom before it disappears. i can't be depressed or wasting my time thinking about what comes next (as though it matters, right? but these kinds of delusions are fundamental to building up any kind of motivation). i can't be losing myself in plans. the uncertainty, though, is gnawing.

what would i even do with this time period if i were using it to focus on the future like i'm supposed to be doing? i'm privileged enough to be able to re-educate myself largely as i see fit, but i've basically systematically ruled out any possible professional designation as a process of intellectually enslaving myself. the reason intellectual work is supposed to be more rewarding is that it provides for some freedom of thought, but that doesn't work when you can't get beyond any existing system of axioms without an objection that is so strong as to require mutiny. i'd actually have to suppress my views less as a wage slave than as a lawyer or a professor. there's no intellectual freedom there, there's no garden to frolic in - there's just the repetition of lies, the observance of conformity and the problem of cognitive dissonance.

i can't do tradeswork. i lack things like physical strength and motor skills. and i couldn't market a steak to a starving person.

so it's a process of looking forward to the reestablishment of my own enslavement, or getting lucky in extending my existing conditions. and why bother preparing for that? why not just hope you get lucky, and deal with the consequences if you don't?

there's no possible happy ending, it's just different levels of enslavement.

i realize they're going to throw it at me. "we gave you two years on disability to recover from a mental breakdown, and you wasted it in a scorched earth policy at carleton, followed by moving to the worst job market in the country and sitting around listening to music?"

well, yeah. it might be the last opportunity i get.