my basic position is that i don't care what the consequences are for them.

i care what the consequences are for me.

i think this is what i'm going to do:

i'm going to go to a clinic tomorrow and ask to get tested for everything they can test me for. then, i'll take the results to the landlord & the cops and ask them to move on it from there.

because, i don't know.

but, i'm starting to change my mind: i need to know.

it'll be clear and concise: my neighbours are smoking something, i think it's meth, it's making me very sick, and i need medical attention.

should i go to a hospital for detox?

i might...

if i become convinced it's meth, i have no problem sending the cops in over it.

might they even be able to tell me if it is via blood test?

i'm not there yet, but i'm close.

the symptoms need to be gone by the time the sun comes up.

i'm leaning towards it being meth.

this is a good summary of how i'm feeling.

http://www.methamphetamineaddiction.com/the-five-most-common-meth-withdrawal-signs-and-symptoms/

ok, everything else aside, july of 2015 was actually a heavy posting month so let's hope i can pick things up in august.

the plumber fixed the shower but left a hole in the wall for smoke to seep in through, so i've moved into the living room until it gets plastered over. of course, the retards below me followed me in here - because they seem to be trying to get under my skin. you have to just ignore immature people, like that, and maybe hope somebody decides not to break for them, the next time they cross the street. they're obviously feeding off of my discomfort, due to there clearly being something wrong with them.

all of the windows are open and they will probably not close again until december. but, it's warmer in the other room, so it would be rational for them to stay on the other side of the building. hopefully, they take the bait.

i feel like i'm being harassed, but there's no use in letting whatever they're drugging me with get me upset about it.

all i can do is try and get as much oxygen in here, to fight the constant tension headaches being caused by whatever kind of hard drugs it is that they're doing, and i still have no idea if this is a meth addict or a crackhead, down there - because i've never been in direct contact with either substance.

i just feel tired, yet can't sleep. it's constant headaches, and constant stomach aches. i'm getting tracers, but it's not different from what i was getting with the migraines, and think they're being triggered by the headaches rather than by the drugs. so, you tell me: is that meth or crack? i don't know, and don't really care, i just want to air the place out.

there is no possibility that i'm going to ever enjoy whatever the fuck this is.

so, as has been the case the last few nights, i'm going to try and get some work done, with little confidence in my ability to do so. i will probably spend most of the night trying and failing to sleep.

how do i use so little electricity?

- i haven't turned the tv on since i moved in, and am considering trashing it.
- one computer on at a time. well, usually.
- no dishwasher.
- no a/c.
- i cook with the element but not with the stove.

i actually sleep with the lights on, usually.

things i have on all the time: fridge, cable modem, router & that's it, really.

what kind of an idiot looks at a bill like this and blames the cost of electricity on the government?

the credit means that i have nothing to complain about.

$39*24 = $936.

are they going to pay that out at the end?

but, if i was going to get pissy about it, i'd be angry with enwin for the delivery charge being twice the cost of actual electricity.

and, how do i know erin is a cop?

incitement to violence & property damage. classic agent provocateur.

i was too smart to fall for that. perhaps others weren't.

and, i'm well aware that she is/was a cop.

erin was probably the least attractive person that i've ever met, and i found her revolting on multiple levels. not only did i make no attempt to make any pass at her, but i rejected her own advances on me on numerous occasions.

but, i respected her talents as a musician and was hoping to utilize them at some point. further, because she was so much younger than i was (and quite immature for her age, even), i often found myself in situations where i needed to act like an adult, for her benefit. i was too responsible to bail on her. perhaps that was an error.

that was all there ever was to it.

i have not spoken to her or thought much about her since i asked her not to talk to me any more, which was almost five years ago.

i'm not normally somebody that has difficulty focusing. when i sit down to do something, i normally have a really laser-sharp focus; i'll spend days or weeks lost in a task, to the expense of things around me, and not really care.

so, this is something i'm not sure i've experienced before. i have no memories of this, at the least.

i almost feel like i'm not the same person, or something.

the emotions i'm feeling are a combination of anger and frustration. it's making me want to lash out at something or somebody. it's beyond uncharacteristic. it's almost got me wondering if somebody's put something in my water, or something, as this is what i'd imagine that somebody on anti-depressants is likely to feel like.

but, i know it's the smoke and i know i just have to wait it out.

i do not think i suffer from depression. i have never been seriously diagnosed with depression. i do not think i have a chemical imbalance. and, if somebody is drugging me against my will, that person or entity should face severe penalties and consequences: because this is beyond unpleasant, and in no way medically jusrified.

i'm literally feeling an urge to beat something into a pulp. i'm somebody that has been on testosterone suppressors for almost ten years; that does not make sense. and, i've never experienced that before.

it's not pot. i don't know what it is; i've never done anti-depressents. i've never done cocaine. i've never done meth. i've never smoked crack. i don't know what they taste or smell like, or what they feel like.

but, i know that this is the worst i've ever felt in my life.

i've got almost nothing done in days because of this....

i'm not going to be able to handle much more than a few more days like this without freaking out.

so, the shower had better be fixed, soon, so i can start taping these holes up.

there's going to be a violent confrontation if i can't keep the smoke out.

meth is not something you fuck around with.

an accidental overdose could lead to mass organ failure and instant death.

with the exception of heroin (& derivatives), it is singularly dangerous amongst "recreational" drugs.

i would literally go down there, knock their down and beat the shit out of them on the spot. i'd then blame it on the second-hand smoke wafting up, and intend to win the argument.

are they smoking meth down there, or what?

fuck...this is simply hellish...

i guarantee you that trump's sudden support for gun control is just going to end up putting a lot of black people in jail on flimsy charges.

i think i'm starting to like chris murphy.

wow.

https://www.thestar.com/news/world/2018/02/26/the-north-pole-just-surged-above-freezing-in-the-dead-of-winter-stunning-scientists.html

i need to be clear: the chances of any given statement from trudeau being true, at this point, are much less than a coin toss.

you have to assume he's lying until he can prove otherwise.

see, i don't know why hoskins does this, unless he's serious. i'm sure part of the calculation is that he was looking for a way out of what might be a very bad election for the provincial liberals in june. but, he could have taken a job at a bank. i'm sure he's serious.

but, whether trudeau's handlers are just stringing him along is another question...

at this point, trudeau's credibility is so ridiculously shot that you can't give any statement from this government more than a 25% chance of being true, a priori.

https://www.thestar.com/opinion/star-columnists/2018/02/28/are-the-trudeau-liberals-serious-about-pharmacare-this-time.html

i don't care about jaspal atwal.

at all.

sorry.

also, they finally updated my electricity balance.

it's at -39.50.

that's right: enwin is crediting my account by $40 for february.

well, use less electricity, then.

i don't feel stoned.

i feel really, really, really hungover.

i got a few hours of sleep this afternoon, but i woke up disoriented, and i still feel like i had a lobotomy. my brain just feels gone. i'm not really here, and i don't like it at all. i'm taking aspirin every 5 or 6 hours and it helps with the headache, but not with the disorientation. i've also consumed something like two pots of coffee over the last 48 hours, and it's only barely helping me fight this crappy woozy feeling.

the plumber replaced the broken cartridge this morning, but he had to rebuild the system to do it, and now there's apparently a leak in the pipe behind the shower head, so he's going to have to come back tomorrow to tear the wall down.

i'm actually looking forward to this, because it should give me a better opportunity to patch the holes in the wall, in the long run.

i might not stay awake very long. but, i'm going to try to work through july tonight. and, then i'm going to need to pull everything out of the bedroom so he can work with the plaster in the morning. and, like i say - i'm ok with this, because it will give me a chance to tape the walls down.

the temperature outside has fallen, but i don't really care. i'm going to need the windows open until i can find a way to stop the smoke from seeping in.