i was able to pick up my meds today without incidence. it's at the lower dosage of 100 mg/day, at least until i can find an illegal source to supplement with. but, i'm not without - even if this dosage is really barely working.

and, i had a "sex dream" when i got home. and, i'm going to tell you about it to demonstrate the point, which is that i just don't have sexual fantasies, except to completely eliminate my sexuality altogether.

so, the sex dream was a chomsky lecture. really. what i was dreaming about was sitting in a classroom, listening to chomsky speak.

and, then i had to run to the bathroom to stop myself from cumming in my pants.

and, then i woke up.

and then i fell back to sleep. and that is all.

i don't actually ejaculate - i can't produce semen. but, this is just one example of a larger pattern - my body chemistry is changing in ways that i don't like, but i'm not associating those changes with sexual pleasure. rather, i'm interpreting it more like a type of bodily excretion - like urinating, or shitting. you have to shit sometimes, but you don't fantasize about it.

i just won't them cut out asap. ugh.

i need to be clear: i don't want any human contact during this period. please avoid talking to me.