i do think i kind of get it, but it took me a long time to get my head around it; i just couldn't comprehend why she thought i'd react differently than i did. to me, a lot of what she did was just horrifically mean, but she really, really didn't see it that way and really, really didn't understand why...

....she didn't understand why i wouldn't act like a man.

she had all of these concepts of toxic masculinity internalized, to the point that she thought that that kind of behaviour was "normal" and "natural", and all she had to do was trigger it in me, and it would magically come out - like there was some seed existing in me that needed to be nurtured, and it would just pop out.

and, she seemed to honestly, legitimately think i'd get some kind of power trip over it.

like, here's my hot, slutty girlfriend, look how alpha i am, sort of thing.

and, instead i cried.

and, we just ended up baffling each other.

it's a good question: why did she keep coming back? because she thought she could convert me into the kind of toxic asshole guy that she seemed to want me to be, while maintaining the nice gooey emotional core when it suited her.

and why did i keep falling for it? because i thought she'd grow out of it.

and we were both wrong. clearly.