the other thing i need to point out is that it's not like sarah didn't try to involve me in her rather outrageous sex life. to an extent, the sneaking around was a reaction to my own disinterest, because i'd made it clear that i couldn't handle it, and she just wasn't ready or interested in settling down. it was essentially the same impossible choice: she didn't want me to walk away from her, but she didn't want monogamy, either. but, that choice had to be made, because i couldn't psychologically handle it.

there were several situations where she asked me to participate in threesomes, or foursomes, and i got up and walked out. i was so overwhelmingly self-conscious about my body image, and so uncomfortable with my sexuality, that i could barely even have sex with one person that i knew. the idea of sex with strangers made me want to vomit and cry. it wasn't just unattractive to me, it was legitimately scary to me.

on some of these occasions, she even followed me out of the room, which was indicative of where her mind was at - she wanted to experiment, but not at the expense of alienating me. she understood that it bothered me, but she did not understand why i was crying, and tended to make demeaning comments to me about it. but, she didn't want to upset me, either.

it didn't help that she kept ambushing me because she wanted everything to be spontaneous and a "surprise". but, i would need to know somebody very, very well before i'd even feel comfortable being naked with them. it's the kind of thing i'd need to sit down and talk about. just springing it on me like that is going to make me retract and cry, every time.

like, i was the kid that went back to class in dirty gym clothes because i was too self-conscious about my body to go into the change room.

so, it was just really unworkable. like, legitimately...