it's left me damaged, clearly.

i know that most ciswomen aren't exactly like sarah, but it's only to the extent that she was a kind of a caricature. she was an extreme example of something that is lurking under the surface in virtually all women under the age of, like, 40, nowadays. it's cultural; it's pushed down.

but, more to the point is that i've learned to see the kinds of warning signs that i missed the first time through, and realized how ubiquitous they are - she may have been an extreme example, but she was basically normal, as well. if i had seen what was coming, i would have maybe gotten out before i got so badly damaged by it.

it's the clear desire for toxic masculinity, even in self-identified transwomen like myself, that i've noticed is really, truly ubiquitous, even when it's somewhat suppressed. most women probably won't ambush you with outside penises, like that. but, it's only because they don't have the nerve to do it.

i understand she was most people's fantasies, and i was happy to let her go be everybody else's fantasy, if that was what she wanted.

but, she wasn't mine.

everything else aside, she was a friend when i needed one, and that's what i miss, and why i keep rambling about it.