i was just horribly adverse to trying to tell her what to do in any context at all, and it clearly pissed her off.

ok - the one counter-example was science. i knew she knew nothing of science, so i'd push the point when i had to - like getting b12 when you're pregnant. she'd been vegan for years, she needed a talking to on that. but, that had nothing to do with the relationship component, and i'd have done the same for anybody else around me that i cared about.

otherwise, i wouldn't tell her what to do, if she asked - i'd just help her look at the options to make choices. i didn't call myself an anarchist yet, but...i just didn't want to tell her what to do. i had enough trouble telling myself what to do.

she expected it, though.

and, again, she kind of didn't get it when i wouldn't do it.

so, when your boyfriend (secretly female identifying or not) refuses to tell you what to do, and you crave it, what is that? is that beta? 'cause the lower alphabet levels ought to have to do with attempting dominance and failing, rather than rejecting hierarchy, on an ideological level. she could plead with me and cry and yell, and i'd just make the point that much more clearly - you make your own choices, don't pin that on me, it's not my responsibility to live your life for you.

that's maybe, conceptually, something more like alpha^-1, or -alpha, than beta. it's the reverse of dominance - the conscious rejection of it - rather than the inability to succeed at it. and, so the situation flips over - she ends up craving something i won't give her, and the more i refuse it, the more she wants it.

but, i'd need a brain transplant to act like that. really. it's just not me.

and, like i say, i'd hate myself for even trying.