i was expecting to need to do some write-ups for my appointment tomorrow (about an orchiectomy), but what he gave me was a form letter for the doctor to fill in, and i'm not going to do that. i mean, i can't write a letter for the doctor. if that's what he wants me to do, i'll have to tell him i misunderstood.

testicular removal is a very minor step in transition, and usually isn't done alone but rather as a part of a larger surgery, like a vaginoplasty. the thing is that, for right now, i feel like i'm plateauing. it is true that i try to live in a female identity full time, but i have to temper the statement by pointing to physical reality: i know i don't exactly pull it off. so, i'm in an awkward position where i want to be living full time, but know i'm not fooling anybody.

what removing the testicles will do is completely eliminate testosterone production, which will do three things for me. the first is the obvious, namely that i will become unable to produce testosterone. however, i already produce very little testosterone due to the large amounts of anti-androgens i'm on, so that itself is not going to be experiential, except that i won't have to experience the annoyance of resetting every time i'm late on a dose. if i sleep in or otherwise am 4-5 hours late on a pill, i can feel it in my pants, and i want that to stop. the second is that it will take a huge strain off of my liver, and that is actually my primary concern: i don't want to be doing this to my liver any more. the third is that eliminating this battle between the androgens and anti-androgens that is constantly raging inside me should actually allow the estrogen to work more effectively, which should allow things like larger breast growth. i can't continue to increase my estrogen every 12 months, either, i need to deal with the source of testosterone.

it's only going to be after i've gone through another lengthy period with zero testosterone that i'm going to feel comfortable with taking final steps to full transition. if i had started this process in my teens, or kept to it in my early 20s, things would be different. but, as it is, for me, what i'm hoping is that removing the testicles will be enough that i can really be convincing enough to be living full time, and then take it to the next step from there.

if not? well, i know i don't want kids, and i don't have any interest in women. i'd rather be a eunuch than a cis-male, and if that's what i have to settle for, i can deal with it.