i was reading an article asking the reader to self-examine whether or not they have characteristics of alcoholism, and i actually don't have any of them. i'm not an alcoholic or an addict that structures my life around inebriation; what i am is a ridiculously shy introvert that can't function in social situations unless i've been lubricated a little.

i live on disability, but i'm not diagnosed with depression. what i'm diagnosed with is social anxiety.

it's not denial. it's just not actually true.

i'm maybe a binge drinker in social situations, but it's infrequent and i'm not unhappy about it.

you might claim you'd like to get to know my sober side, but you probably don't. when i'm sober, i can't interact with people in any way. i just sit quietly. i don't interrupt people, true. but, i don't participate in conversations at all. i just sit quietly from a distance and watch the world happen without me.

empirically: people that can function well socially don't type as much as i do.

one of the questions is whether i centre my social interactions around drinking, and i'm going to claim that i actually don't. what i centre my social interactions around is music. i go to concerts, or dj sets. you'll never see me out unless i'm attending an event. so, it's not as though i go out to get drunk; i'm not a religious person, and wouldn't have any moral problem with just staying home and getting drunk. cheaper. less people. but, it never happens. no: i'm out to see the show. rather, it's the other way around: i need the inebriation to be able to deal with the people in the social situation.

so, i don't go out to get drunk; but, i need to get drunk to deal with the anxiety created by going out.