i'm not actually a pothead.

i never was a pothead.

i don't want to ever be one, either. i'm confident i won't become one....

it's a disgusting habit. really. i notice it every time i go through this, and come out of it.

i'm still groggy, but i'm going to wake up soon enough. i might not get my moment of clarity from this pot, that was sitting in a warehouse for who knows how long, but i'm sure i'll know it when it's finally out of my system for a while.

i was a gifted kid; i was supposed to be a surgeon but gave up on it when i realized that i didn't really have the hand-eye coordination, the basic motor skills, to do it. you have to be good with your hands, and i'm really, really not, not at all. they use to yell at me for my bad handwriting, until they realized that i just didn't have the coordination to write on the lines. so, it just kind of clicked with me one day - the fact that i couldn't hit a baseball if my life depended on it (after eye surgery as a child) meant i'd probably have difficulties being an actual doctor, no matter how well i understood the concepts. so, i went through this other list of things.

but, i certainly never saw myself as a pothead.

as much as i might push this starving artist meme to the point of cliche, i've largely chosen this life. i decided that freedom was more important than income, that exploring the individualistic concerns of art were more important than contributing to the collective, etc. i've turned down good jobs. i've avoided academic opportunities. i've thrown away my family to embrace living on disability. i wish i had better options, granted. but, i've opted out as best as i can and i have quite a bit to show for it - and hopefully will have even more relatively soon.

but, i never grew up wanting to be a pothead, and i'll be damned if i'm going to turn into one now.