so, this is still a less than productive week, but it should lead into productivity next week.

that was a floaty morning, but i got the posts updated and i caught up to my eating schedule.

i'm just going to finish my fluoride and try to sleep in until the evening, then plan to get the pasta in the evening.

i have to make sure i don't flub this reading next week.

so, i stopped to eat yesterday, i went to get the recycle, i did some dishes, i tried to take a nap, i tried to take a shower and ran out of hot water (the hot water tank seems to have cut in half, or something, since i got back on friday. i don't know what the deal with that is. but, i'll have to shower twice as often, then.), i meant to lie down for a minute to warm up but fell asleep, i woke up, i made some eggs, i cleaned in here a tad, i did some typing, i took a nap, i took a shit, i tried to get my upload finished and now i want to make some fruit, take another shower and maybe even fall back asleep.

so, i'm just existing this week.

but i want to get as much food as i can to get as much iron as i can.

i haven't touched the rebuild since yesterday afternoon. 

it's clear enough i'm not going to make it to the alter-reality. what next, then? i dunno.

today's post is the spectacular, the infamous, the one and only....inri009:

===

this is the final version of something i'd been playing with since about '94 or so, and by this time the track had become something that was beyond absurd. in a way, this is the culmination of everything i did in this period. it's the central track of my inri years: it's both the first thing i spent any time seriously writing and the ultimate realization of the musical ideas i was exploring. it's the longest track on the first demo. the drum programming is deep, there's an orchestration through sequencing, synth parts in the background, lead guitar work coming to the forefront - it's everything thrown together at a coherent level, really for the first time. 

that this is the central track of this period maybe demonstrates how ridiculous i was and how ridiculous my musical vision was. maybe it also demonstrates just how _young_ i was. 

the remaining tracks in this period sort of pivot after this. 

i should be clear: this is pretty much the most terrible song that you could possibly imagine existing, and that was kind of the intent. the shock value is entirely up front. but at the same time, it's just so terrible that it's kind of funny, and that was entirely intended as well. 

you could maybe say something about how somebody like alice cooper ripping live chicken heads off in the middle of a performance is just about the most tyrannical thing you could imagine somebody getting away with on stage. it's just *so* ridiculous, that you can't help but laugh - even as you're horrified. 

it's a phase a lot of teenagers go through. i guess the difference between me and a hundred thousand other kids is that i was exploring it through composition. 

- 

now that i'm an adult, this isn't something i would write or promote. yet, i sort of am by uploading it. the interest here is to document the existence of a troubled child. well, and to document myself - i was that troubled child. 

the history of the track is perhaps a little less obnoxious than may be suspected. i was actually being taunted by somebody in the eighth grade. that person had never met and never would meet my mother. it's just a remark that young boys make. freudian analyses aside, i don't think there's really that much conscious thought put into it. 

my decision to write a song about it was half a joke and half a response to being teased. i listened to and feigned laughter at a lot of oppressive jokes when i was younger; to an extent, i regret not speaking up, but i can state with honesty that i never felt comfortable taking part (now, self-deprecating humour, often of a sexual nature, is another thing). this reaction, on that "fuck you" level, shouldn't provide for any specific discomfort. 

however, the fact that i explored the topic in a deeper level of depth than my taunters did perhaps might, and perhaps should. i need to bring you back to my aims in recording this early demo: i was trying to be as disturbing and shocking as i possibly could be. my taunters provided me with a particularly disturbing subject matter to explore, and i took full advantage of that. 

this track is certainly disturbing and certainly shocking. success? well, i guess. looking back, i've always been torn between regret and satisfaction. i still am... 

initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed & remixed on july 18, 2015. released jan 7, 2016. sequenced jan 6-8, 2016. finalized on july 20, 2016. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3 

this recording is a part of the following collections: 

1) inriℵ0: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-1 

2) inriℵ1: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-box-set 

3) inriℵ4: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/mp3-dvd-disc-volume-1 

5) inriℵ6: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1 

6) inriℵ17: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-bd-disc-volume-1 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1996, 1998, 2013, 2015, 2016). 

released march 20, 1998 

j - guitars, effects, bass, vocals, drum programming, drum kit, synths, sequencers, sampling, digital wave editing, production

but, biden didn't trick you like obama did.

you knew what you were voting for.

and, you did it anyways.

did you think the place was unpeopled until the 10th century, or what?

how can indigenous muslims in western china not immediately strike you as wrong?

how can you be so ignorant of history?

are these sanctions against china about the poor, repressed muslims in the west of the country?

no - not any more than the uighurs are indigenous to the region (they actually invaded fairly recently, displacing indigenous tocharians).

there are a lot of far better explanations for the developing trade war than this, even if it's a convenient excuse. but, let me tell you - it's a strange excuse. am i supposed to give a fuck about oppressed muslims?

awwww. 

it seems to be a first step towards the escalation of the containment policy brought in near the end of the obama administration, something that trump seems to have actually stepped away from and in truth screwed up fairly badly.

so, let me approach this based on reality and not on this concerning propaganda narrative, although that narrative should be understood, in terms of where the wealth and power in the west is, right now. the fact that this is the story they're using says a lot about how much power that muslims have in western society, at this point in time, and that's something that requires some checks, lest we collapse into muslim ignorance and islamic backwardsness.

what i'm going to say is this: some kind of containment of china is necessary. it's less about whether i like it or not. i mean, i'd rather not. but, they're an empire, too, and containment, in context, is a form of necessary self-defence. but, i'd rather see something other than sanctions, which are likely to be counterproductive.

the way to avoid a war with china is via careful strategic defense planning and increased social and economic integration, not via a trade war. but, the previous president left the country in a state of weakness.

if the sanctions are intended as a show of force to produce leverage for negotiations, i can look the other way for a little bit. i'll never support these kinds of sanctions, and i don't think it's the right tactic, but i can take it for what it is and bite my tongue. the justification being utilized in the press, however, suggests otherwise - it suggests this is intended to be long term. and, i must oppose any sort of long term sanctions on china, as i fear that will lead to a war rather than prevent one.

but, i've pointed out a few times that trumpism seems to have won and that biden is, in truth, the more aggressive and capable version of trump that so much of the left has been fear-mongering about materializing on the right. your competent fascist was right in front of you, the whole time.

this is the policy that trump would have created if he understood what he was doing. it's absolute continuity.  and, while i can hope it's intended as a strength-projecting segue to a shift, i don't think it is, and i must oppose it for the same reasons i opposed it when trump did it.

again: some kind of containment policy with the chinese is necessary, or they're going to overrun the continent and enslave us, or wipe us out.

but, we want integration and the dissolution of boundaries, not polarization and the erection of defensible borders; that biden is doing the latter rather than the former, and is dragging the client states with him, is evidence that trumpism continues to reign supreme within the biden administration.

so long, suckers...

now, i'm not saying there isn't a place for permaculture methods, in the sense that isolated communities and rural societies are necessarily going to continue to exist. if that's what you want, go at it.

but, no thank you.

so, it's not the future of anything at all - and we need to be careful that we don't trick ourselves that it is. 

leftists have a history of killing themselves off with stupid approaches to farming, and this is just the most recent example of it.

what i'm saying is not ground-breaking, it's foundational.

if we want to fix the food distribution system, we need to take control of it and collectivize it - not run off to build some cult somewhere out in the sticks.

you might imagine you'd live in some idyllic conservative society where you'd "become one with nature", or something stupid like that.

in fact, the wealthy people that you imagine you'd sell your food to (nobody else could afford it. and, india is the most unequal society in the world, remember; i'm not fact-checking this video, but india is a society where a small elite live gloriously, while millions and millions literally starve. that statistic is probably actually quite ghastly if you look into it.) would reduce you to abject slavery in no time.

for them it's a way out.

for you, it's a road to serfdom.

no, really.

it's a class marker, and a real one.

the monty python scene is funny and everything, and i posed it because it's a great satire regarding what people are imagining a system like this would actually be.

but, what a food production system based on permaculture would actually look like, and fairly quickly, is either functional or literal feudalism, as the wealthy buy up the farms (after fucking with the system to force the farmers to sell) and reduce the farmers to serfs.

if you're really rich, that might sound great.

but, if you're concerned about sustainability from a working class perspective, there's no future in this and it's just a waste of time bothering with it.

so, what should we do?

1. agitate the state for r&d funding and corporate grants.

2. let the capitalists built the hydroponic infrastructure with the money the state gives them.

3. rise up and seize the infrastructure.

4. ????

5. communism.

socialists like 5 step plans; capitalists can keep their 4 step plans if they insist, but they have a tendency to undo themselves. not enough steps to let the dialectic develop...

this organic farming movement is really the most conservative thing you could imagine, and i have no time for it.

is this what you want?

really?

no thanks. 

i'll keep pushing for ways to socialize the means of production, instead - and ways to use technology to increase food production, rather than abandon it in favour of population reduction.

the left is not supposed to be about the glorification of peasantry and the idolization of the protestant work ethic, it's supposed to be about the use of technology to abolish the doldrums of an existence focused on labour, to allow regular people the freedom to engage in art and science.

you can take your utopian bullshit and shove it up your ass. 

that's not my revolution. at all...

again: i have no patience for hippie bullshit, and i don't want to live the kind of peasant lifestyle they're presenting as ideal. i see it as far from ideal - i see it as the glorification of simplistic ignorance.

what i want is to fix complex, urban civilization, not blow it up. 

i like cities and want to continue living in spaces with abstract art scenes. i want to save this.

i hate small towns full of religious people and illiterate hippie buffoons. i don't want anything to do with that.

so, vice has gone to shit, recently. but, i've posted frequently about this for many years, and it goes back to a debate i had with occupy activists, who wanted to grow "organic farms" in toxic refuse sites from ottawa's lost days of industrial overproduction. i'm not going to bother and have blocked them from the recs, but i'll just leave this note here before i walk off.

here's something you probably don't know - almost all city parks are built on toxic waste sites. that's why they're parks. you're looking at prime real estate, quite frequently. but, the laws said they couldn't build houses or apartments or really anything there because there used to be a paint plant or a chemicals factory or something else there, before it was shut down however many generations ago. that's a general rule that holds for almost all city parks in almost all cities.

for that reason, urban soil is almost universally toxic and outdoor urban farming is actually a really dumb idea. if you're going to grow food outdoors, it needs to be grown in isolated areas that don't have a history of mercury or lead contamination, amongst other things. you might be shocked by what you find if you actually look into it...

environmental degradation is not some thing in the distant future, it's the reality we've been living through since the 60s, at least, meaning most of us have lived essentially our entire lives in ruined ecosystems and barely habitable ecologies. we don't realize how bad it is. we think it's an exaggeration, it's "not true here", it's some far off thing - no. it's real, and it's the life we've all lived through.

if you survive everything else, and you make it to a certain age, you will die of cancer; you've lived your whole life in a filthy, carcinogenic wasteland. even if you don't know it...

i'm not going to fact check the precise claims made in the video, although i'd invite somebody else to.

what i'll say is this, and i'll say it clearly: 

- if what you want is to escape to some bullshit thoreauvian fantasy where you live outside of society in a small, isolated community and fuck the world anyways then these small-scale permaculture settlements can offer you some escape. the pre-requisite, though, is that you need to be rich. 

- if you want to actually feed tens of billions of people, hydroponics is the only feasible solution.

the first option is a feasible escape plan for the elite, if the world is doomed, anyways. but, it will lead to mass starvation if it is ever adopted.

rather, it is the second option that mass movements on the left should be concerning themselves with, not the first - if you actually want to save the world, rather than find some way to escape the collapse.

you probably know that the word french comes from frank, and that the franks were a german-speaking people that invaded the empire in the year 406, in the event known as the "crossing of the rhine".

but, much like the surprise attack in 367, the franks were not a "tribe" so much as they were a confederacy. 

historians today do not think that the franks were an ethnic group at all. rather, frank is a german word that translates to free.

it seems as though it was, rather, a confederacy of "freemen" bent on abolishing the empire once and for all.

this is a theme throughout the roman occupation of western europe, and he gets the point across - rome could only hold these lands via massive occupation forces, and they would consistently revolt the moment the romans left.

you'll never see it written in any history book, but the clues are clear enough.

the fact is that the germans were met through much of europe, perhaps even in italy, as liberators, and not as barbarians - and that this repeated itself a thousand years later, when the vikings swooped down and burned the monasteries, who were exacting punitive taxes and enforcing brutal laws.

like i say: i'd make the point clearer.

but, it's not that bad.

and, i don't know what's next. 

i should listen to the incan episode, first.

i was expecting this to be staunchly pro-roman propaganda, and it certainly leans that way, but it's not that bad; it at least gets the point across about rome being an empire, and the inhabitants in britain being unwilling, colonized subjects. in fact, there were frequent revolts in all of the celtic heartlands (britain and modern day spain, france and germany), not just britain. i've spoken before of the celtic genocide at the hands of the romans, but the last remnants of celtic civilization were mostly subsumed by the dominant german tribes, as they moved into the region as allies of the indigenous celts. the celts became german, when they would not become roman.  

these revolts were frequent, widespread and nationalistic in character. this is so often glossed over and denied entirely by the official church histories of western europe, but it is the actual truth - rome was always a mediterranean empire, with few willing subjects north of the alps, or west of the rhone. this idea of western europe as inherently roman is just flat out wrong. while i would have focused more on the broader nature of the celtic revolts against imperial rule, the fact that he mentions it at all is non-standard and appreciated. the anglican church would hate this.

so, i don't have the reaction i was expecting.

i just want to point something out though - hadrian didn't realize that britain was an island. that's really why that wall is there - it walled off an unknown land to the north, of unknown size with unknown inhabitants. they could never be sure that there wasn't a giant landmass, with millions of barbarians. they decided they didn't want to find out....

it was a short month, but i've got the four blogs consolidated for dec, 2017 - including copying items from youtube directly to the blogs:

1) https://dsdfghghfsdflgkfgkja.blogspot.com/2017/12/

2) https://jessicamurraytravelblog.blogspot.com/2017/12/

3) https://deathtokoalas.blogspot.com/2017/12/

4) https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2017/12/

i'm almost done with this fall of civilizations thing (and i'm not sure what's next...), and i just want to make a brief comment on his concept of climate change.

the idea that climate causes civilizations to fall is pretty standard, nowadays. there's nothing obscure about that, and the same science that helps us understand climate change helps us piece together how changes in the climate may have affected different settlements. so, the premise is sound.

but, you can tell that the narrator has at some point entertained some less than ideal sources, as he tends to reference things that you don't hear legitimate scientists talk much about, in ways that sound like climate denial.

but, i haven't caught him say anything wrong yet. so, i don't have anything to add except a little caution that the source sounds compromised, without providing any definitive data that it actually is.

so, for example, he talked about the "medieval warm period" and the "little ice age" during the cambodian episode, which made me cringe. these things happened, but they were not global events - they were examples of regional climate variations restricted strictly to northern europe. nothing of the sort would have been apparent in far away cambodia, so it's really not appropriate to drop the language in those terms. but, when he actually worked out the climate effects, he point to relevant tree ring and ice core samples, and there wasn't anything to really correct him on - except the language he used, and the fact that it made it clear his background isn't in science.

so, he might fuck this up still.

but, he hasn't yet.

some caveats are consequently required. but, i've pointed out before that the interdisciplinary nature of the videos is actually fairly developed, and he's broadly doing a pretty good job, in the context of what he's broadcasting he's doing - a series of short films about the rise and collapse of various historical cultures.

if you put the god hypothesis and the alien hypothesis beside each other and compare them, it is the god hypothesis that strikes me as so ridiculous that it should be discarded without further thought and the alien hypothesis that strikes me as likely enough to warrant further investigation.

if you want to talk about aliens with me, you have to start with ejecting the idea that this is something paranormal or supernatural. to me, the whole basis of finding the idea of extra-terrestrial existence interesting is that it provides a naturalistic explanation for a large amount of history that we otherwise have to discard as utter nonsense.

if there are creatures born somewhere else in the universe, and they have evolved to live for hundreds or thousands of years, and they have managed to develop long-lived craft, and can even live and breed on them, then what, exactly, is paranormal or supernatural about that? it's entirely consistent with a darwinian concept of the natural universe.

and, again, that's the point, or at least it is to me; it helps me make sense of religion, in a way which i've never been able to otherwise get my head around.

it would be useful if we had a little more positive evidence. but, we may find out one day that all the evidence was right in front of us.

that will take me from mid 2003 to mid 2005, although period 3 will hang over until late 2006.

i was posting this yesterday evening before i crashed...

this is just a reminder as to what is coming up directly, soon. if you've forgotten, or never knew. i need to set the pc back up first to review my notes and make sure everything is in order, but...

1) inri075.  this was written in kelowna in 2003. it ends up as the start of the interplanetary isomorphism, but the purpose of inri075 will be to collect the sound created in mid to late 2003. this will mostly be posted as is.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/kelowna

2) inri076. the lost symphony. this was written over 2003 while waiting around in various disparate places - bus shelters, back alleys, wilderness escapes, apartments, etc. it will segue between reflections and the interplanetary isomorphism, finishing my eighth record. this is going to be a major recording project and will probably take much of the summer.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-lost-symphony

3) inri077. this is an ep of cassette demos recorded in sarah's bedroom. i will mostly post it as is.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/bedroom-cassette-demoes

4) inri078. this is a demo that is already uploaded as is.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/art-show-demo

5) inri079 needs to be checked for current data, but is otherwise my completed 7th record.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ftaa

6) inri080 & inri081 are listed on my hard drive. there may be an 'inri records' compilation in there, and perhaps a second compilation, as well. or, was it something to do with impressionist jazz punk? there are some tracks from inri086 that were written in the summer of 2004, and i think i wanted to 

take note of that.

7) inri082. the interplanetary isomorphism, itself, which is mostly done:

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/interplanetary-isomorphism

8) inri083 is listed on my hard drive. it may be the previous impressionist jazz punk disc. or it may be the cycles per second disc, but this would be mislabeled.

9) inri084 is the first cycles per second ep. this is done.:

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-spontaneous-combustion-of-leonardo-pisano

10) this is likely inri085, and will be a serious recording project:

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/throatmotor-fragment

11) inri086. these are demos, and they're being released as is:

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/impressionist-jazz-punk

12) inri087 is the next symphony, xenophanes, and is mostly done:

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/xenophanes

13) inri088 will then be done,which is my 9th & 10th lps.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/e

if i can get this done, i'll want to stop and refocus.

today's post is inri008.

===

my recollection of the initial recording of this track is unfortunately somewhat vague. when we push our memories like i'm trying to, we become more likely to imagine the past in terms that never actually existed. so, how real is this vague memory of wanting to hear some backwards guitars? i fear that it's perilous to try and force my mind to be more specific. 

it's at least fully consistent with what i know about the situation. this was initially the second track recorded in my basement studio in the fall of 1996. so, i was still at the point where i was looking to try things in the studio for the first time. as for backwards guitars? i was very interested in both zappa and hendrix (two of my biggest guitar influences) at the time, and that is actually blatantly obvious if you listen to inri000. they both used backwards guitars. there are multiple occasions on inri000 (and afterwards...) where the nods to both of these players are beyond heavy-sleeved. so, my vague memory at the very least makes sense. 

how i made the jump from trying to create a backwards guitar solo to turning a song into a palindrome is another question and i don't really have a good answer besides stumbling upon it as i was listening to it. clearly, it is the case that this struck me as a good idea at some point along the way. 

when i went to recreate the track in early 1998, i felt the need to recreate the palindrome effect. so, i never saved any version of the track in forward order (without the backwards overdub) or released it in any kind of way. for all these years, there has simply never been a forwards version of the track. 

the remastering process over 2015 has finally given me the opportunity to create a forwards version and spin it off as a single for the express reason of documenting the track as it was actually initially written, which was as a fairly straight forward alternative pop song. that's a description that i do believe is very old. yet, i may be imagining the past, too... 

the new album mix is a palindrome, as it always has been. the electronics mix is constructed using the same algorithm. the backwards mix is just literally that. combined together, the forwards and backwards mixes create the album version. the 2013 remasters are appended as bonuses. 

initially written in 1996. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. remixed july 15, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. finalized on july 11, 2016. bonus tracks added and re-finalized on july 18, 2016. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of this track appears on my second record, inriched (inri021): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inriched 

regarding the subject matter of the deleted vocals/lyrics, please see the following vlog (which is also available on inriℵ6): 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuhdwde1YKI&t=895s 

this recording is a part of the following collections: 

1) inriℵ0: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-1 

2) inriℵ2: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inriched-box-set 

3) inriℵ4: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/mp3-dvd-disc-volume-1 

5) inriℵ6: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1 

6) inriℵ17: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-bd-disc-volume-1 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1996, 1998, 2013, 2015, 2016). 

released february 11, 1998 

j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, digital wave editing, loops, vocals, drum kit, tapes, production

so, what i've done is start at the beginning and, whenever i see a thread in one of the blogs, have noted it, with the hope of maintaining consistency and completeness, godel be damned. the blogs will each morph, now, to better fit these threads.

this should help everybody understand the differences between these blogs, which i'm only beginning to fully grasp, myself.

politics - general blog with a focus on current events:
- life narrative. feelings. events. reflections. dialogues. stories.
- essays. rants. comments. short stories, notes, reactions to quotes.
- philosophical reflections
- political activism
- lectures exclusive
- debates
- news reports exclusive (except sarcasm)
- mathematical & scientific analysis, of varying levels
- historical analysis
- cultural analysis
- economic analysis
- legal analysis
- thoughts on geopolitics & current events
- blogs of any sort, really
- any excerpts of existing texts
- anything published to the appspot site, including cd reviews, concert reviews & music web
- food blog
- all official music releases (including music videos)
- some extra discussions outside of the main narrative
- persies
- benchmark discs
- reviews of substantive influences in real time
- concerts
- headphones
- posts about isps & network topology
- installation files & scripts
- posts about non-musical celebrities, and about some newsworthy musical celebrities
- theory of art sequence
- other youtube videos posted and/or commentary around them should have some kind of relevance to one of these categories
- general commentary about web pages and their uses (with personal use commentary, too)

music journal - personal reflections on the process of writing and recording music, including full documentation when possible:
- life narrative. feelings, events. reflections. dialogues.
- studio narrative
- cover art
- all official music releases
- damaged cds are part of the narrative.
- computer troubleshooting is a part of the narrative
- cleaning the studio. scripting machines.
- benchmark discs / obligatory influentials / comment threads about influences
- reviews of new records by selected artists that are of specific historical influence
- rap news series
- some obituaries of direct or indirect influences
- no appspot reviews, but reviews of new music affecting me as i'm recording.
- concerts
- persies
- headphones
- installation files & files created when recording
- posts about isps & network topology (ends after getting isp access)
- posts about personal social media sites
- posts about music theory or music history or music as any other academic interest
- posts about music production, gear, equipment, etc
- posts about the guitar, the development of the guitar, guitar music history, specific guitarists, etc
- comments where i drop my own music
- comments where i present biographical information in a way that is relevant to understanding my influences and development as an artist
- theory of art sequence
- concepts that relate to topics explored in songs
- some excerpts of existing texts as they are relevant to art or my artistic development
- discussions with people inquiring about the music

dtk - general media commentary in it's fullest abstraction:
- any posts containing music videos of any sort
- any youtube videos or comments around videos except those that are considered official new sources
- tv show & film excerpts

- anything about ads
- news source allowed for light content or content about music or media criticism
- interviews with musicians or authors, but not speeches or lectures, or news reports.
- posts with pictures or comments on pop culture or music, broadly, including pop culture authors (interpret broadly)

- comments about popular authors or philosophers, or that cite them, and my own views on well known philosophical concerns or scientific theories.

- atheist & anti-religionist posts + pro-pagan posts (this is considered literature related).

- posts about history in theoretical or broad terms (this is considered literature related)

- posts about freedom of speech and artistic integrity 

- climate change posts in any generality (literature related)

- media commentary & criticism
- cds, cd reviews, cd collections, etc
- anything posted to the appspot site as a review
- music web
- official original album releases
- spontaneous song lyrics
- minimal personal commentary (almost none).
- no persies, except profile updates.
- gaming exclusive
- posts about isps & network topology

- posts about document presentation or programming in general
- any paintings & cover art
- release dates
- animal vids
- general commentary about web pages and their uses (but not personal use commentary)
- headphones sequence
- border stuff because of concerts
- concerts
- not considered official news sources: vice news, fox news.
- posts about music theory or music history or music as any other academic interest
- comments on articles about music and art in any abstraction
- some excerpts of existing texts as they are relevant to art or culture, broadly
- some (usually ironic) self-referential comments about my posting habits

- gen x identity posts

- theory of art sequence

travel - any posts about leaving the house and things done when leaving the house
- posts made to facebook, blogger, etc from somewhere physically outside the house or about things that happened outside of the house
- travel blog needs to be more about action scenes, and less about documenting every time i leave the house. so, actually try to avoid posts that just mention going somewhere, and make it more about the narrative of actually going somewhere.
- should avoid planning posts
- posts about not going out

- should include reflections on travelling or moving
- reflections, interactions or thoughts made while walking
- reflective posts made about the weather in the context of being out
- thoughts about the weather happening outside
- some imaginary traveling, or projecting traveling ideas
- posts about isps & network topology
- persies for going out only
- border stuff because of concerts
- concerts
- posts about time zones
- posts about odsp renewal
- posts about dr's offices
- posts about groceries, nutrition & diet. food blog. garbage posts.
- posts about buying & shipping items online
- initial headphones sequence, as a purchase
- climate change rants that are about the actual weather

- anything about anything about the sun 

- stomach ache & migraine posts. sickness, in general.

- dr office posts & testicle removal posts
- air conditioning posts & posts about inside weather
- posts about neighbourhood cats and other local animal sightings or experiences, including insects and parasites in the house
- quitting smoking posts, marijuana posts, hormones posts, coffee posts, other drug posts [all personal use or reflections]

- reactions to mail
- space travel, electric vehicles & other forms of transportation

- any posts about energy use or electrical costs
- bicycle posts

- personal legal battle posts (because there are adventures, and they relate to travel posts)

- posts about cyber attacks, power outages, illegal entry, etc (because it's adventuresome and relates to the travelling portion & the legal stuff)

- quarantine & covid posts as they relate to the border, to concerts, spread, the curve, etc

- local political activism

- posts about moving in any abstraction

- geography posts

- history posts as they relate to geography (including empire theory sequence)

- genetics posts as they relate to geography

- posts about anybody coming to the door

canada does not have privately owned hospitals.

all hospitals here are public property.

if you're sitting there, quietly refusing to leave, the cops just simply don't have the authority to remove you from a hospital for "trespassing" - just like they wouldn't have the authority to drag you out of a public park, or out of city hall. 

all the cop did was state the trespassing law. she had no idea. there's no case law cited at all.

these cops have, on average, something like a grade 12 education.  they're screened for low intelligence, on top of it. so, it's not some kind of accident - the system is designed to be impenetrable.

but, this is why we have activists, and this is what we do.

so, i got my report from the oiprd on the hospital arrest for trespassing on public property, and the cop doesn't have the slightest idea what she's talking about. again. i'm going to have to write a report explaining that hospitals are public property, and you can't be removed from them, unless you're threatening somebody else, which i was not doing.

the idea that a doctor can just throw me out and have me arrested because i refused to leave is entirely extralegal in this country, and the cops are in no position to offer an opinion on it.

so, i'm going to have to take this to divisional court to fight for access rights to healthcare, as well.

somebody has to do these things...

so, i'm steering clear of the dorian hypothesis at the moment, for the reason that i actually think it makes a lot of sense, even if it needs to be modified a little. early descriptions may have been exaggerated more than wrong. this is otherwise, again, a fairly gentle introduction into something that is probably obscure to most, and i should appreciate it for what it is.

the dorians and the sea peoples were probably one and the same, and the confederacy probably sailed down from the black sea rather than from sardinia, which is probably a false cognate. that the philistines were of greek origin is apparently told in their own histories, and that ought to be enough to more or less put the origin of the sea peoples to rest, even if it doesn't answer the question as to what exactly caused the collapse - which was probably a combination of factors, partially stemming from climate as a root cause.

but, i just again want to try to present the perspective of the poor, and by that i do not mean the urban poor within the empire. the really poor people were of course the barbarians, and that is true throughout history.

the historian gets it's information from the literate, settled culture of which it is a part of. that is always true, nearly by definition. so, it sees history from the perspective of the city and naturally sees the city as a crowning achievement of human civilization.

but, to the person outside the city - the subsistence farmer or the hunter-gatherer - the city is a source of oppression. it is from the city that the slave raiders come, to steal the children and the wives. it is the city that comes to rape and steal and plunder. so, the city becomes a force of evil, one that must be destroyed.

while it seems that the discovery of cheap iron played a major role in the bronze age collapse, i've long believed that the sea peoples were driven more by revenge than by climate. we see this with the viking raids, which were at one point seen as incomprehensible to history, but are now understood as a self-defence mechanism against the expanding colonialism of the christian church, to the north. 

so, might the dorians and their allies have decided to put an end to the slave raiding, to the theft of their children, once and for all - and burned the cities down in an act of vengeance and retributive justice?

we'll never really know.

i ask you this question and present it to you in a specific way, because i fully expect that you don't know that.

did you know that slavery is actually still legal in most of the muslim world, and the slaves are almost entirely african in birth and origin?

it was, after all, this arab slave trade that the spaniards were initially attempting to emulate, partly because there were slave markets in spain at the time of the reconquista.

ok, so i got through the process of making sure i kept track of everything i added to the blogs over the previous rebuilding last month. i need to have some kind of consistency.

next, is to rewind this blog to...let's go back to when i moved into the last apartment, which was december, 2017....and read through it with the intent to understand if anything is missing.

i'd might as well rebuild the other three as i'm doing it.

there's an election in ontario next june. 

i'd actually rather they be distracted by covid-19 than slash and burn everything. so, there's a chance this could actually be a blessing - if we can get rid of them right away.

ford is going to have the opposite logic, in that he's going to want to go into the election by trumpeting a return to normal. his coalition is small businesses and socially conservative immigrants, and they're both going to want these restrictions lifted.

but, for that reason, it makes sense to stay in lockdown through the summer, in the hopes it's gone by the fall - which it won't be.

things might get better in the rural areas before then, but i neither expect the border to open nor windsor to exit lockdown until the fall at the earliest- and probably not the spring, for either.

again: this isn't about science. this is about politics. and, when the politicians tell you it's about science, that's just politics speaking.

so, when are we going to at least see a removal of restrictions in windsor, then?

if you follow the logic coming from the premier's office, the reason we have these restrictions in windsor and sarnia is not due to the situation on the ground but due to the proximity to the border.

toronto will be last out. but, we probably won't be far ahead of them.

while any causal linkage would be dubious at best, if a spike in cases were to follow a border re-opening, the government would be done for.

they can't do it...

don't expect them to.

when do i think it's going to be safe to re-open the border and get back to going to shows?

well, i don't think the science supported cancelling most shows (i'd support canceling something like the dso, because the audience is older), and especially not bar shows, or closing the border in the first place...

so, as this is political, that's the question to ask - when is it going to be politically feasible to risk re-opening the border?

and, this is the shitty answer - after the next election.

i wouldn't expect the border to re-open until the sitting government regains it's majority or is replaced. it's painted itself into a corner, and it can't navigate it's way out. it may even be it's undoing. but, the party's newly sought after fake left base won't allow it to re-open the border until cases in the united states fall to near zero, and that is never going to happen.

the fact is that the number of deaths in this province hovers at around 10-20 per day, which is, in fact, borderline negligible.

so, i just did the dishes this morning, instead.

i was going to get my iron tested tomorrow morning but decided i should wait until i'm eating steady for about a week. i skip meals all of the time - i don't want to do that this week, i need to make sure i'm getting as much iron as i can, to see if i can absorb it or not. so, i want as good a reading as i can get and i should wait until early next week. 

that means i'm inside for the next week and i'm just shifting back to the blogging section until thursday. this weekend wasn't what i hoped for, but at least all of that stuff is now done. my bed is clean, and i won't be scrubbing any floors for a while, so i should get back to normal showering cycles, as well.

i just hope i've managed to block the drugs out of this space.

where was i?

- i was going through from sept 24th, 2018 ----> now and rebuilding the four blogs, along with several side documents at one drive.

- but, i wanted to go through and understand what files may have been removed, if any. so, i rewound back to early 2018 and was reading through them, forwards.

- i decided i can probably build the dtk blog up as i do that. at least.

- but i needed to go back and reread the components i added to each of the vlogs to understand what should and shouldn't be added. <-----done travel & music but still need to do dtk properly from nov/2019

most theory is bullshit.

do the experiment.

listen - i didn't learn about being transgendered in a classroom. i'm not applying an academic theory. i'm living a life. and, if my empirical experiences don't uphold the theory, it follows that the theory is wrong, at least in how it applies to my life.

i can work through this on my own - i don't need somebody else to tell me how to think about it.

i'm an individual, and it's my individual experiences that are important to me, not some shared collective experience determined by some eggheads at some academy somewhere.

so, no - what i'm presenting to you is not what you read in a book. but, listen to me, don't believe what you read.

today's post is inri007.

===

so, how exactly does one go about being transgendered, anyways? i mean, like anything else, i guess you have to come to terms with it, first. then, what? 

it was the "what next?" part that took me a very long time to grapple with before i was able to come to some kind of course of action. i don't remember exactly how old i was when i realized that i was more like a girl than a boy, but i will state that my thought process was always that i was like a girl, rather than that i was a girl. i have to be blunt: i was a precocious child. i understood the biology of sexual organs at a pretty young age. i knew which organ i had, that it was the same as the one my dad had and that it was different than my mom. i never felt as though i was in the wrong body - that's not how i'd articulate it. i knew i was male. but, all my friends were girls. i preferred to do "girl things". so, i realized at a very, very young age that i was more similar to the girls in my life than to the boys, despite being well aware that i was genetically a boy. it functioned more on the level of social inclusion and conscious choice of gender role than it did on the level of anything biological. am i really that atypical? i don't know. but, i know that i never had any difficulty at all, whatsoever, in separating between sex, gender and gender roles. so, for example: i have very early memories of asking my mom to let me wear lipstick, and of asking to get my ears pierced (3,4 years old) but i don't attach those memories to feelings of gender dysphoria. i didn't see any reason why boys couldn't wear make-up. further, nobody really "corrected" me on it. so, i grew up without any shame or second thoughts attached to being a boy that was more like a girl, and consequently without any particularly strong urges to become a girl. my very early life actually finds it's best explanation in the theories of radical feminism: because the gender binary was never enforced on me, i never felt oppressed by it. i have to argue for a very healthy early upbringing. 

what screwed me up and set me back a good ten years was the school system. when i got there at the age of four and a half, i wouldn't talk to the boys. i wanted to skip rope and play hopscotch with the girls. well, all my friends were girls. i didn't know how to play with the boys. what's a marble? i just didn't know. i got stuck with a fossil of a kindergarten teacher that actually flat out banned me from skipping rope. worse, she banned me from reading books. my absolutely docile and clinically rational temperament at that age probably worked against me. but, i had two choices: i could play with the trucks with the boys in the corner or i could go to sleep. 

in fact, i slept a lot. 

but, gradually, the system socialized me as a male. or, at least it seemed like it did. 

my path through elementary school didn't really ease up on the gender segregation until the seventh grade, at which point it was essentially too late. the system had successfully prevented me from socializing with girls, but had never taught me how to socialize with boys. so, i had spent the last twelve years of school in social isolation, usually without any friends at all. i'd lost the opportunity to have all the gendered experiences one associates with childhood - which means i was deeply socially stunted. i was still pretty smart, academically speaking. however, i was operating at the social level of a much younger child because the school system had arrested my social development through segregating me into a gender role that i didn't understand how to fulfill. 

by the time i got around to writing this song at the age of 16, i'd just become entirely stoic about the whole thing. i knew i was more like a girl, but what exactly was i going to do about it? i guess i had the perspective, at 16, that life was largely about managing misfortune and you just have to deal with shit, whether you like it or not. 

rational? perhaps, from a certain perspective. it gnawed at me, though. the trauma underlying the track was the realization that i was a good part of the way through puberty, without ever having signed up for it. this was by no means unexpected, either, and i didn't ultimately feel that i had any recourse of action in preventing it. but, i felt like i'd been cheated out of something and was being forced into something i didn't remotely want. 

as with the rest of the early tracks, the lyrics here are at their core the exploration of a morbid fantasy. i'm taking things too far, i'm taking any excuse i can to keep taking things too far and i'm enjoying watching you squirm when i do it. in one sense, it's a sarcastic allegory on the question of thinking with one's cock, which is a bio-chemical problem that all testosterone producers are forced to come to terms with at some point. in another sense, it's a transgendered teenager carrying out a sort of morbid fantasy and desperately looking for a way to prevent the masculinization of my body. 

it took me another five years or so of internal struggle before i could get to the point where i saw hormone therapy as a realistic option, rather than a kind of utopian fantasy that would be perpetually out of reach until i finally expired. 

this is the only period 1 piece that was further expanded through the addition of some bass and piano sequencing near the start of the piece. the vocals were also brought back in without redaction. so, this ep starts off with a full reconstruction of the piece, intended as a lead for this single. the ep further comprehensively documents all other released versions of the track. 

initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. electronics added on july 16, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. sequenced on jan 6-8, 2016. finalized on july 10, 2016. hidden track added and refinalized on july 21, 2016. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3 

this recording is a part of the following collections: 

1) inriℵ0: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-1 

2) inriℵ1: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-box-set 

3) inriℵ4: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/mp3-dvd-disc-volume-1 

5) inriℵ6: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1 

6) inriℵ17: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-bd-disc-volume-1 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1997, 1998, 2013, 2015, 2016). 

released february 6, 1998 

j - guitars, effects, bass, vocals, synthesizers, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, sampling, digital wave editing, production

mass inequality is both a function of and the first step towards the collapse of any advanced society.

if we're smarter than our ancestors, we should figure it out this time.

as mentioned previously, mayan history is almost entirely mythical. this is pieced together by looking at glyphs in a dead language and building guesses on archaeological remains. we can come up with broad concepts and forces that shaped the society, but attempts to be specific are foolish. that said, i look at the tent cities today in california, and i wonder what role that inequality might have played in the movement of people out of the cities and into the forest. and, let's be clear about this - the society didn't evaporate. it didn't fly off into space. they didn't all die on the spot. they left the cities, they abandoned urbanism, and they took up life in the jungle, instead. that sounds crazy, but don't we see that in the united states today, as late capitalism makes urban civilization an impossibility for wide swaths of the population, who are forced to live in parks and subsist in the wild, instead? is that really what happened? and, will it happen again?

i had to take a nap...

the wood is cut. the bathroom is spotless. but, i lost the evening.

so, this weekend wasn't what was intended, but the space is at least as clean as it can be. what's left to do now is to take all the items from the other half of the apartment and put them away to various places - a "tidying" operation, but an absolutely massive one.

i need to get some eggs and take a shower. and, if i can at least put the hardware i want to use into the other machine and put it on it's perch, that's a step for next week.

i'm awake, so i'm going to finally clean that bathroom fully.

the question is if they ever got to hudson's bay.

if they found a way to get to hudson's bay, the whole continent opens up.

there is actually a fair amount of evidence suggesting early contact between europeans and the northern indigenous groups like the cree in the form of r1* genes in the indigenous population. the initial explanation i was given for this was the hudson's bay company, but the prevalence is so high that it suggests something earlier. and, we've even seen theories develop that suggest a saami origin for some indigenous groups, rather than a movement over the bering strait. 

the reality is that we know there were r1* carriers in the region quite a long time ago, and a norse origin is the easiest answer.

i know the kensington stone is a fake, but the idea appears to be grounded.

so, if i don't have a lot of blood, and i use it all to digest the food i'm eating, the result is i don't have enough free blood to stay warm. so, it's less about atp and more about rbc.

really, though? i can't get more blood than that?

c'mon, body. i just gave you 20-25 mg of iron. fucking convert it to blood already.

what a weird night lost in limbo.

so, i finally woke myself up around 4:00 only to realize i was starving. so, i made pasta....and caught a chill and then fell asleep eating it.

why am i getting cold while i'm eating? is the digestion requiring more energy than i'm taking in?

my stool is very healthy looking, if continually red due to the beets, tomatoes, red peppers, cayenne, carrots & paprika. it's just tons of red and orange, and it ends up looking that way. but, it's well formed. there's nothing trailing.

i see no evidence that i'm bleeding. really. or, at least not from the bum...maybe from the brain...

likewise, if i have a parasite, it's not obvious.

it's a bone-chilling cold, too - not  in my hands or feet, but in my bones. it's making me wonder about leukemia.

i need to keep an eye on those eosinophils...

just to update where i am on the fall of civilizations run through...

i have watched both of these videos and don't have much to add. 

i knew the easter island narrative was a myth, but it's nice to see it get a full treatment and i learned a few things watching this. if you're still following the false narrative, you should give this a run through:

i only had a vague outline of cambodian history when i watched this and the only comment i have is that i learned quite a bit about it by watching it. i didn't realize the region was hindu before it was buddhist, for example. as is the case with a number of these, the multidisciplinary nature of the narrative is appreciated, although he did say a few things that struck me as more mythical than factual.

norse history is something i know a little more about, but the first half of that episode seems to be fairly cursory. conversely, i think i know that story a little too well to benefit from watching an introduction like that. but, we'll see how he closes it and if i have anything to add:

the mayan collapse is again going to be the things of myth, but we'll see what he says. i'm legitimately curious about what he says about the bronze age collapse. and, i'm probably ideologically opposed to his take on the "collapse of roman britain", which i'd interpret as an indigenous revolt against a colonial entity, but we'll see what he says.

i've pointed out before that these ancient demos, while very crude, also seemed to click into a few things - there's tracks that pre-date gybe! and seem to foreshadow it, tracks that sound like man man from as far back as 1997, tracks that are basically 90s emo without me having any idea what 90s emo was at the time, etc, etc...

i guess my head was in the same space as radiohead at the same time as radiohead, too.

fwiw, my records suggest that skaters was completely finished before ok computer was released. even i pulled that influence out, but it seems to be wrong. and, fwiw, i was a little slow to pick up on radiohead; i didn't like the britpop thing, in general, and kind of had them miscategorized. i thought fake plastic trees was terrible, but i loved street spirit when i heard it - and that's what actually got me interested. that was at the very end of the cycle for the bends, and nearly when ok computer had been released.

paranoid android was released early, and it was everywhere when it was, but i really hadn't heard anything like this when i recorded skaters, despite it seeming like i had.

so, what was the actual influence?

it was probably more something like this:

...or this:

today's post is inri006.

===

the christmas of 1997 was a good one. in addition to getting a four-track recorder to multitrack with, i also ended up with a jx-8p for my birthday, which is in early january. now that i could use the computer a little bit, i decided that i was finally ready to do some serious recording. 

i had committed myself to reapproaching the first demo tapes and rerecording certain tracks to reflect the uplift that they got from the drum machine; that is, i had already dramatically rewritten most of the tracks around the drum machine, so i felt i should rerecord them. now, i was going to need to uplift some of those tracks a second time with synthesizer parts. i knew which tracks i wanted to approach and how, but i wanted to ease myself in a little. so, i picked a new track as my first synthesizer experiment. 

that is a large part of what this track is. i had the lyrics pre-written, actually, and knew that i wanted a spooky kind of atmosphere to the track. so, i was approaching the synth with the question of how to manipulate it into sounding "haunted". that may seem trivial, but please realize that i had never seen an actual synthesizer before - i'd just always used the presets on my sister's electronic piano. it was a small victory to get the patch by increasing the sustain on the preset, but it was a hard-fought battle. 

after i got the track mixed down through the 4-track and mastered into the pc by sending the signal into the back of the soundblaster, some listening had me wishing that i had slowed the tape down a little. the track is a kind of a child's understanding of the existential, which i just felt would be more aesthetically in balance if i slowed the tape down and made it seem a bit more mournful. so, i wanted to go back and remaster it with the speed set a little slower. 

i decided i should test it by slowing the track down digitally, first. what i was trying to do was get an estimate to use to remaster it at a different speed. i took a guess on half-speed to try and was going to incrementally reduce the reduction through trial and error until i got to a good point. then, i could set the tape speed by ear. i did not go through that process; i stopped at half-speed. for several weeks in 1998, the half-speed version was the final product for the track. i believe i even uploaded it to mp3.com slowed down this way. 

i just instantly stopped at half-speed because, while the effect was more exaggerated than intended, that exaggeration was to greater effect than i imagined. i wasn't expecting the guitars to get that grungy, or the vocals to get that deep. when i heard it, though, i knew that this was the track. 

in the end, i reverted back to the normal speed version, but this was done with much internal division. the reason that this is the last track on the demo is because i was holding out for space for the lengthier version. it was only due to a combination of space requirements and pull for conformity of sound through the demo that had me relent at the very end. 

in hindsight, i do think that the short version fits better on the flow of the cd, and it will remain there - minus the vocals. yet, i also think that this slowed down version deserves it's own document. i've slowed down two other versions of the track, as well, to drag out the fun. the album version closes this collection. 

originally created in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reconstructed in the summer of 2015 and then manipulated further in the summer of 2016. released & finalized on july 7, 2016. hidden track added and re-finalized on july 18, 2016. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3 

this recording is a part of the following collections: 

1) inriℵ0: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-1 

2) inriℵ1: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-box-set 

3) inriℵ4: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/mp3-dvd-disc-volume-1 

5) inriℵ6: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1 

6) inriℵ17: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-bd-disc-volume-1 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1998, 2013, 2015, 2016). 

released january 22, 1998 

j - guitars, effects, bass, synths, drum programming, vocals, digital wave manipulation, production

i'm not much of a man, trust me.

for right now, i'm feeling floaty and kind of shitty, but i don't want to go to sleep until i can finish cleaning in the bathroom and take a shower. so, i'm nodding off in my chair, and have been since around 19:00.

so, i intended to take a nap yesterday afternoon and be up within a few hours to eat, but instead slept until almost 21:00. 

then, i wanted to stay up all night and finish cleaning everything, but i was essentially only awake long enough to eat, and then fall asleep again, until close to 9:00.

i did stay awake for most of the day and was able to 

- finish most of the laundry

- prepare and measure the wood for cutting (tomorrow, apparently)

- lysol the walls a few times, to varying effects

- silicon around the front door, which was the last really bad spot in the apartment, i think

- put a back on the second bookcase, by cutting up the cardboard box the table was mailed in.

so, when i get the wood cut, the only thing i'll have left to do in the bedroom is fill some of the cracks in with some wood filler. but, i'll need to wait until april.

further, i've got everything back in order in the studio, and can get back to placing items in their proper place. there is just one thing left to do first, which is thoroughly clean the bathroom. i intended on finishing that this evening, but i've been having difficulty keeping my eyes open.

is it the drugs upstairs? i actually can't tell anymore. i've blocked so many cracks and holes that it's down to a dull, background smell. but, my tolerance is so low that it might still be triggering. and, i mean, it's still gross in terms of background odour - it's a seriously unpleasant odour. but, it's muted. a lot....

i don't know what to do next. i could maybe silicon the crack between the ceiling and the wall, but i need to trace what's left of the smell, first.

i wanted this all done by yesterday morning, and was hoping to set up the recording pc this weekend. it looks like that will need to wait until next week, instead, and that i'm probably just going to get done the cleaning by the end of the weekend.

male homosexuality is a dominant, aggressive kind of thing. there's no room for passive little bitches like me.

and, i wouldn't be into it, anyways.

i'm not a gay man.

gay men like to fuck other men - they like to bend them over and bang them as hard as they can.

conversely, i've never had the remotest urge to fuck anything or anyone at all; i'm entirely sub, and have only ever fantasized about receiving vaginal sex.

further, gay men are attracted to other men, so they wouldn't be interested in me.

it consequently doesn't make any sense to tell me to just go be gay - not on either side of the equation.

in theory, this is covered.

but, the medication isn't available due to a patent issue and the surgeons don't call you back.

i want this surgery. i've done everything available to me to get it.

but, if you're going to force me to be a guy in makeup and drag instead, then i'll shove it in your face and make you stare at it. 

as a consequence, i will continue to refer to myself as jessica and present myself in a female gender role, even if my estrogen falls to zero.

i do not want to turn back.

and, if i just end up looking gross, we can blame it on the government and the lack of acceptable health care options that are available to me.

i want to be clear - if i end up detransitioning, it will not be a decision i've made, it will be due to a lck of access to care. this is a decision that is being made for me by restricting access to surgery and to effective hormone therapy.

so, as mentioned, i spent yesterday morning cleaning. i finished essentially all of the kitchen before i stopped to eat around 8:00 and left for an appointment around 10:00. 

the appointment was initially set to talk about my estrogen levels, which have predictably come down a little due to switching to the generic. unfortunately, he didn't feel comfortable boosting me higher than 8 mg, and he had a reasonable argument - i'm already higher than the recommended dosage.

the reality is that i need my testicles to be removed, or i'm going to detransition, and that's not something anybody benefits from. i've been trying to do this for five years, now. i'm at a max for testosterone suppression and i'm at a max for generic estrogen; the brand name works far better, but i can't buy it. so, he sent the recs out again, but i don't expect to hear anything.

i'm going to need to send a fax to the endocrinologist again about overprescribing....

he unexpectedly prescribed me the doxycycline, but the 20 mg is now all of a sudden no longer covered, only the 100 mg is. i'm pretty sure it was covered last week. he's going to prescribe, though. so, i'll need to research that and figure it out. i'll either need to request a different tetracycline that is covered or ask to boost the dosage, but i don't think that's a great idea. it would be $200/month, otherwise and that's not feasible.

i don't know why they cover the 100 but not the 20, but that's the decision the government has made.

and, i got a second lab rec for the iron which i'll need to get done in the upcoming week. i know what my ferritin is at a minimum. what i need to do first is check to see what my ferritin is at a maximum, without altering anything. but, he put so much stuff on it that i'm going to ask them to do it in two parts spread two weeks apart. i was absolutely exhausted after the last one, and we can see why, now.

he's also going to send me to a gastric specialist about the potentiality of bleeding, but i'm wondering if i shouldn't also go to somebody regarding the potentials of blood clotting in the brain, or bleeding in the brain more generally.

i stopped and did a bunch of groceries when i got back, and then it was 16:00 and i found myself in need of a nap....

today's post is inro005

====

this is maybe a little hard to understand, if you weren't a teenager in a very specific period - about '91-'99, the 90s i guess, when the nu metal shift "corrected" things and tough guys went backing to being metalheads. 

that period overlaps with a period when punk fashion moved from subculture to dominant culture. as with any other failed social revolution, the period is more defined by certain subculture traits being co-opted than it was by any meaningful change in social attitudes, even if it did correspond with a move towards liberalizing social attitudes in the older members of gen x. 

i remember playing this for my aunt, who was a teenager in the 80s, and she was just confused by it. in her day, the skaters were the skinny punk kids that got picked on by the meathead jock metal heads. as mentioned, i think people that were teenagers in the 00s may more readily associate with this as well. 

but the 90s were weird in this sense. skater culture in the 90s was defined by a sort of thuggish machismo gang mentality that overlapped more into gangster rap than punk rock. what you had where i grew up was a lot of upper middle class white kids skating because it was advertised to them as the "cool thing to do" and in the process co-opting this sort of survivalist 'hood mentality into a tool of oppression that they used to bully and intimidate the kids that, a decade before, would have identified as skateboarders. those kids may have maintained an interest in punk rock, but weren't generally accepted into the skater clique - which was essentially the "in group". 

the culmination may seem a little surreal nowadays, if for no other reason than that it's been forgotten. but i remember sneaking through back alleys, evading skateboarding gangs made up of kids into slayer, while i had socal punk music blasting through my headphones. and i'm sure you'll get similar stories if you ask around - or maybe you were also that kid. 

on one hand, this track was constructed to be sort of precious, and i think that it is. it's a pretty catchy pop song, really. on the other hand, i think i was trying to be a bit tougher than i actually was. i wasn't one to back down from confrontation - i'm still not. while i think it's true that i could have taken most of these brats one-on-one, i probably would have mostly chosen not to. see, the fear was always more that they'd convert the boards into weapons and then jump you. in canada, guns aren't much of a concern, but knives are. 

...and the fear often came out of trivial reasons. talking with somebody's girlfriend. having a pair of headphones or a pair of shoes that might be worth something. basic thug shit. 

in hindsight, the analysis here is a little simplistic. suggesting that these kids are going to grow up into pimps is problematic on numerous levels, although i can state with blunt honesty that a number of the people the song was about have grown up to be petty criminals with lengthy criminal records. i have to own that lack of depth and how it comes out in sometimes less than ideal statements, but i'm going to once again blame that on my age. 

overall, i like this track on both a musical and thematic level. i just wish i had articulated myself a little bit better. 

-- 

there was a specific story that influenced the track. when i was in the ninth grade, one of these skater bro types took it upon himself to start body-checking me into lockers. it was well understood that this person was older, but that just gave him more clout in the school's skater clique; he knew the older kids that they looked up to. i was never certain if he was on his second or third try at grade 9. 

this wasn't the first time somebody had tried to get physical with me, but it was an escalation that i couldn't really tolerate. people flicking my ears was an annoyance, and especially so when it was a game, but it's the kind of thing one withstands. these were full on, run-at-me body checks that seemed to be designed with intent to harm. 

i actually tried a few different tactics before i reacted. i tried sitting behind in class until he left, but it was visibly starting to make the female teacher uncomfortable that i was just sitting around waiting after class - and perhaps not unreasonably so. as for bringing it up with the teacher? well, this guy went out of his way to look for a teacher watching before he took a run. i couldn't be followed around by a teacher all day. i had to react on my own. 

so, i tricked him into running at my open leg, which had him fall face first into the locker. he did not see the retribution in the act; he got up looking for a fight. as i was walking toward the exit, which was a staircase downwards, he took another run at me - which i dodged. that was an adrenaline filled movement, i tell you - he was full of stupid, hot rage and sidestepped like an angry bull. but, i still had to time it. there was no escape. he ended up falling down several flights of stairs and breaking his leg. consider what would have happened if i hadn't moved - even considering that i may have helped him lose his balance, a little. 

from that point onwards, i lived in fear of being swarmed. rumours were floating around that i'd better stay away from certain people - which was a broadcast to me to stay low. i got the message, and spent the next several years sneaking around back passageways in and out of the school. i learned where the cuts in the fences were, how to detour across floor levels to follow the crowd, how to time the bus (we had public transit passes - and that fact alone probably spared me broken bones) to come in to class during the national anthem and other various scheduling and transiting tactics to avoid being alone at critical junctures. and, then i started to enjoy living that way, too. 

i don't think that student came back the next year, so i'm not sure if he ever finished grade 9. but, part of the reason i'm telling you this story is that it helps paint a clearer demographic picture of the narrative that i'm presenting. if you remove the "skater" designation, this could be a story about gangs in schools that could be applied equally well across any other grouping. it just happened to be that the gangs at my school were populated by white skater kids, some from the welfare projects and others comfortably middle class. that might help to explain what some might see as a difficult reference point. 

-- 

i've presented this track in chronological ordering because i wanted to tell the story of the track itself. looking through my releases, it may be difficult to tell what is an ep from what is a single, and what is an ep from what is a record. this is an ep, and not a single. it's an ep because it's a conceptual ordering of the tracks, rather than just an exploration of a single incarnation of a specific track. 

i don't deny that the lyrics are painful. and, wasn't i supposed to be getting rid of painful vocals? well, perhaps. but, note that no vocal takes of this track make it on to any of the abum-format presentations of it, excepting inricycled. the vocals are tied into the concept of the ep, which is a narration of the song as it developed. 

so, chronological ordering is the only rational way to present the tracks. further, a comprehensive exploration of the track's development actually becomes necessary, in order to narrate it's entire development. 

i'm not going to take this approach to every single. i just think that this track had to be preserved in this kind of way. 

-- 

initially written in 1997. recreated in jan, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 1, 2015. deconstructed dec 18, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. finalized on july 6, 2016. lead track added and refinalized july 20, 2016. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3 

this recording is a part of the following collections: 

1) inriℵ0: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-1 

2) inriℵ1: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-box-set 

3) inriℵ4: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/mp3-dvd-disc-volume-1 

5) inriℵ6: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1 

6) inriℵ17: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-bd-disc-volume-1 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1997, 1998, 2013, 2015, 2016). 

released january 12, 1998 

j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, vocal noises, vocals, samples, digital wave editing, production

once again...

i've been on hormones in almost straight succession (i was convinced to pause for a few months when i first started) since early 2002. that's almost 20 years.

i have not had sex with anybody at all since 2006 and decided around that point that i would not have sex again until i got surgery. it simply hasn't happened yet. 

since then, i've turned down boys, girls and people in between. there is no chance of reversing that decision. it may render me celibate until the end of my life.

i did not date in high school. i have never been in a family-style relationship. i don't have children....i don't think. i was in the end rejected by the only person i've ever had sex with because i told her i didn't want to have sex with her anymore and was therefore no longer useful to her - and i was very upset by it, and still am.

there's a lot of bad information floating around about me from very untrustworthy, dishonest sources. you can believe what you want, but i'm only interested in your opinion if you take the time to read what i post here, first - and will continually point to the record here as factual, and the record elsewhere as incorrect.

my post today is inri004.

===

"wait - do you, like, fuck the dead, or something?" 

i wasn't the target; i was merely an observer. but, i kind of lived it, too. so, i had to suggest a proper response. 

see, i think the absurdity of the response follows from the absurdity of the question, and the proper way to react is to acknowledge the absurdity of the exchange by playing along. my proposal would be to take the topic to it's most absurd logical conclusion by engaging in a logical defense of the absurd accusation, and then annoying that person by bringing it up all of the time. if i saw him walking in the halls, i'd run up to him and loudly tell him that i've got a great argument for necrophilia if he wants to hear it.... 

now, i wasn't the person being taunted. so, i never got to act on those impulses. nor was the person that was being taunted nearly as indifferent to social conventions as i was. so, my suggestions were never interpreted seriously - despite their sincerity. i think i should acknowledge that i didn't properly understand what this person wanted. see, if it were me, my goal would be to have this person never ever look at me ever again. i would react by providing a set of disincentives to bother me. the more infamous, the more effective. but, i just wanted for them to leave me the fuck alone. this person wanted some kind of "acceptance", so those kinds of belligerent actions were counter-productive in seeking a final resolution. 

so, the song is imagining how i would react if i were to be taunted in such a way. 

i've created a new single release on my final administrative run through the material, and i want to defend the decision to do so. when i was creating the singles in january, this track didn't have any alternate cuts from the new session - i just had the remaster and a bunch of failed versions. there was no drum machine remix and no original demo. so, it wasn't fit for single treatment. 

but, material for this track generated as i explored the different ways to present the record. i recreated the middle section for the record. then, i brought in limited vocals for the on sexual confusion in adolescence mini-epic. so, now i do have a couple of alternate versions, and it does make sense to release a single. 

this is not the very first track that i recorded with my new four-track in 1998, but it's the first cut that made the record. something that got lost in the multiple transfers of the file was that the track was built up around a lot of guitar effects and was meant to have a swirling, shoegaze-y kind of feel. i then cut that recording up and inserted a short collage of computer generated sound, followed by a short jam of me playing guitar over a sample of the spiderman theme song - the original one, from 1967. the recorded track then clicks in and concludes itself in some more layered guitar harmonies. i draw attention to this because it is the juxtaposition of folk-y guitars with oppressive, synthesized percussion that forms the basis of interest in this, musically. it's structurally a blues guitar piece, it's just been ported substantially through technology. 

originally created in late 1997 and early 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. finally reconstructed in the summer of 2015 and extrapolated upon over the first half of 2016. released on july 4, 2016. finalized on july 5, 2016. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3 

this recording is a part of the following collections: 

1) inriℵ0: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-1 

2) inriℵ1: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-box-set 

3) inriℵ4: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/mp3-dvd-disc-volume-1 

5) inriℵ6: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1 

6) inriℵ17: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-bd-disc-volume-1 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1998, 2013, 2015, 2016). 

credits

released january 9, 1998 

j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, vocals, samples, digital wave manipulation, cool edit synthesis, production