i'm 38 years old and i've played in a band setting maybe four or five times in my entire life. i have no concept of what chemistry with other musicians is, or what compromising on a sound is. i've always imagined that the process of starting a band would essentially be equivalent to hiring musicians and giving them sheet music to play, but i've never actually done that in real life. it follows that i wouldn't actually know *how* to play in a live setting, and i'd no doubt get stage fright and have to run off and hyperventilate somewhere in a corner.

i would rather watch other people play something i've written than actually perform it myself.

but, i'm ok with this, because i've never identified as a rock star, but always as a composer of abstract music. excluding a small period of time when i was like 15 years old, i've really never had any serious aspirations to start any kind of actual band, but have rather always been seeking experimental musicians for the explicit purposes of studio work to create albums full of recorded compositions. i don't want to set up an amp in front of you and slay you with my technicality and skills, i want you to listen to things i've carefully constructed over many hours with a pair of headphones, and connect to that music by yourself.

and, i've never stated anything differently to anybody. all i've ever told anybody for the last 20+ years is that i'm an experimental studio composer with minimal interests or, frankly, ability in actual performance. i've cited people like frank zappa, billy corgan, michael gira, trent reznor, jimi hendrix and john balance that built careers around their reputations as studio musicians, with minimal abilities to reproduce their experiments in a live setting. i've never cited performing artists.

and, i haven't cut an original vocal track since 1999.

i'm not at fault. don't blame me. you imagined something that wasn't real. i've been honest with myself and everybody else the whole time, you just didn't actually listen to what i was actually saying.

i have presented myself as an artsy rock chick from day one; you misinterpreted me as a metal head guy. i don't even like metal. now, you're finally coming face-to-face with your own delusions, and you don't have anybody to blame but yourself.