it's funny.

one of the things that the doctor i saw on thursday wanted to stress was that any kind of operation is going to result in me spending a lot of time alone, as though i don't already spend a lot of time alone, and as though i wouldn't rather spend most of my time alone. i'm a real deal introvert - not the kind of phony introvert that thinks it's cool to come off as introspective at parties, but the kind of person that legitimately needs very serious alone time, and a lot of it.

and, i understand that she wasn't just trying to scare me. she was trying to level with me - i know this is something that exists in the literature, and i understand that trans people have high suicide rates, partly for this reason. a bad transition is often times a life-ending mistake, both figuratively and literally. i get it.

but, i've been on hormones for years and years, now. i took a long time to make this choice, and i'm pretty confident in it.

regardless, that's actually not my experience. i get pursued by both sexes, at various levels of intensity. that night at the bathtub pub ended with me dragging a guy halfways down woodward, because he had his hands all over my ass and didn't get that i was walking away.  he followed me out because i was "the hottest girl in the bar" - which was full of prostitutes. strippers, i think, actually. frankly, it's a good thing i had an inch or two on him (and i don't wear heels) and was able to just plow through him. and, even the people that have given me shit are only telling you half the story. i'm pretty sure that one of the guys that was giving me shit on my works review tried to give me an open mouth kiss on the floor - a bold move that fell totally flat as i walked off, and could easily be the cause of some scorn. and, i think that that guy gary something may have been the person that followed me from the red bull to menjo's in mid-2017, told me stories about jamming with david bowie (does he tell that to all of the girls?) and then got pissy about me not wanting to fuck him. i don't, personally, have any trouble getting the attention of men, and i'm quite certain that i'd be having a lot of sex if i actually had any interest in it. a full transition would help with my sex life, not hinder it.

examples of statements said to me tonight by men:

"god, you're fucking hot. i'm so high. can you stay here and help me with my phone?"

which is maybe the lamest excuse of all time to get somebody to stand by you, but whatever. i accepted the compliment.

"my little brother transitioned, so i've spent a lot of time with transwomen, and you're really hot. it's too bad your voice gives you away, because i'd otherwise be trying to fuck you right now."

and i actually don't mind this kind of thing. i don't like being groped - at all - but i actually like the compliments and awkward sexual innuendo, to an extent.

in fact, i actually have minimal experiences with men grabbing me. it's the women that seem to think they have some kind of entitlement, and i want to draw some attention to it because it's becoming normal.

i'm still trying to figure it out, but i've come to expect that i'm going to get mauled or molested by at least one cis-woman pretty much every time i go dancing. sometimes it's subtle. there's this blonde girl that likes to sneak up behind me and adjust the straps on my tank top, and has actually been doing it now for years. i'm not sure what the point is, but it's harmless, and what do i do besides stay still and let her do it? and she always runs off after. i got lunged at at the xiu xiu show by somebody that had been brought there by her boyfriend, who was standing beside her (overheard a few minutes later: so, what are you doing tonight?). a few weeks ago, i got kind of mom-smothered, complete with a smooch. these are selected stories, it's not comprehensive. and, tonight somebody decided to walk up to me and sweep the hair away from my face, in a manner that was either checking for a wig or extensions (nope. it's my hair. all of it.) or getting ready to dive in on me. i'll never know, because her friend literally grabbed her and pulled her away, in apparent concern at about what was going to happen next. i don't know if she was drunk, or maybe on something a little more touchy-feely. it's a weak excuse, either way.

however you want to gender me, and i'm clear about how i gender myself, a certain subset of ciswomen seem to actually like what i've done with myself quite a bit.

but, it's making me understand that patriarchy is a hierarchy, and i'm at the absolute lowest rung of it. there's a concept of entitlement there, there really is.

as distant and aloof as i am, i don't rule out making out with people a priori. it's just that i'm kind of shy and like to move a little slower. like, maybe i might want to know your name and have a conversation with you, first, to start off with. people nowadays are just incredibly forwards, and being at the bottom of the hierarchy means i get the kind of physical advances from women that women don't like to get from men - and that they don't seem to even realize what they're actually doing.

let it be known: i clearly like to dance, and dancing is a good way to approach me. but, like, don't ask to dance with me, because then i think you want me to hold your hand and spin you around like a princess or something, and i'm not going to do that. don't get me wrong: i'm a stickler for consent. but, it's funny that you think you have to ask to dance, but don't think you have to ask to grope me. if you want to dance with me, just dance with me. and then come talk to me after.

i missed the ferndale show because customs was slow, and i spent the rest of the night in the diner because i couldn't find a late show. but, the fun part of the night was fun, even if i'm still trying to figure this out - even if we're maybe all still trying to figure this out.