i know it sounds like she thinks i provided the sperm. how much more obvious could she make it, right?

you don't get sarah.

it's more like a type of sympathetic magic. out of all of the "signs" she gave me to get my attention, it was the pregnant sex that was most important, as it represented a replacement process. and, she was, in essence, actually admitting that i wasn't - but that she wishes i was.

it was all a kind of ritual, for her.

i always approached her like an anthropologist: i found these kinds of behaviours to be interesting. and, on a level, i guess they were experiments, right? but, the reality is that she was the kind of person that would pray, and expect it to work. i think she grew out of that around the time we stopped talking, and my decision to go back into transition may have had something to do with that, as well.

so, she might have been trying to send me a message, yes - but not the one you're thinking of.

and, i really don't think i am.

but, there's a lingering non-zero possibility, absolutely.