ok, so i've got up until the end of the 18th synced and have posted my last correspondence with esa/erin/shelly. i want to clarify a few things before i stop to eat.

although she did make a few dodged passes at me, erin and i did not have a romantic or sexual relationship at all. whereas sarah was polyamorous, or at least saw it as an ideal to attain to, erin was just a lost soul. it's true that i was a little older then, but it's also true that erin was older than sarah was in the relevant time frame. by the time sarah was erin's age in the time i knew erin, she had already had two kids.

erin's language was colourful, and seemed to suggest a deep level of promiscuity, but i'm actually not going to call her a slut, because i don't think most of what she said to me was actually true.

my initial interest in erin was purely musical. she had perfect pitch, was a competent guitarist and songwriter and was also a concert-level pianist. and, she had confidence in herself, too. she was a real musical talent and i regret not being able to do some work with her.

but, she was completely disinterested in me as an artist. in the end, i don't even know if she liked my writing, because i couldn't even get her to listen to anything. whereas i saw erin as a potential collaborator, she seemed unwilling to look past the fact that i wasn't technically a music student. i was studying law when i knew her, and that's what she saw me in the role of. the fact that i may have actually had more music credits than her at the time (it would have been close.) didn't matter; she seemed unwilling to accept that kind of cross-pollination. she seemed to firmly insist on a strict division of labour....

...or at least that's how it seemed, naively, from a distance.

i told you there was a twist, and here it is: it was several months previous, some time in the spring of 2013, that i first became convinced that esa was actually an undercover cop. so was illuminous. and, i suspect the wobblies were, too.

my awareness of this was quite acute, and it strongly affected how i behaved, but i took the opportunities provided to me as they arose.

and, if you go back and look at the situation from this prism - one where she knows she's a cop, and i know she's a cop, but she doesn't know that i know she's a cop - some things may begin to align themselves more rationally.