i have some coffee brewing.
it is clear that they drugged me again, but also that this time it isn't working. they've been here talking to me for days. what's been happening for the last five nights in a row is:
- i feel ok at first
- then i have an aura without a migraine. there's another one coming right now.
- then i feel dopey for a bit, and i start to notice the smell of marijuana (i made a very aggressive complaint on thursday night, and there was no pot tonight or last night, or not that i could tell)
- then i get extremely tired and eventually sleep for 15 or 20 hours at a time. yes, it's the pot that is knocking me out, but there is something in it. that's when they start talking to me.
the purpose appears to be to try to knock me out, primarily. as mentioned, they want to do their talk therapy on me first and foremost. they are resorting to drugging me with steroids as a last resort. they actually want to "cure" me by messing with my dreams. they're trying to force me to sleep to force me to dream.
these are pseudo-scientific thugs that may have some education in freud but, in all likelihood, are tying to apply something they saw in a zizek video. they think they're smart, but they aren't. they're low intelligence idiots operating on dark age logic and anti-empirical thinking. they need to be put in jail, and i'm getting there.
i can get a guess at some of the things they're seeding me with.
for example, i had a g rated dream last night where i went clothes shopping with a young angelina jolie. we toured through a mall in downtown ottawa called the rideau centre. i tried on a few things. she tried on a few things. it was pretty uneventful.
i don't suppose that was their intent.
this is a very weird thing for me to dream about, and not something i can explain away easily. i am not a fan of angelina jolie (that's probably why it was angelina jolie c. 2000), have seen like maybe two of her movies (one of them was girl; interrupted) and know essentially nothing about her. while i do not date women and am not interested in dating women, i am generally not at all attracted to italian or southern european woman, and am generally more attracted to northern european as in germanic, viking, celtic, slavic or swedish women. i think italian culture is disgusting, i think their religion is stupid, i think their men are despicable and i think their women are ugly. it's not a culture i have much or any respect for. i have much more respect for the cultures of northern europe than the cultures of southern europe. i have some italian ancestry, but i don't look like it and i identify as strictly scandinavian, and not as italian or mediterranean. i don't like these people. i went to a high school full of italians and wouldn't even talk to them because i thought they were filthy and disgusting. for angelina jolie to pop up in my dreams would not make sense, as that is not somebody i would have ever noted any interest in or attraction to. i remember her as gross and weird and ugly and ethnic. i haven't seen a film she's in or seen any ads with her in them in something like 20 years. she wouldn't have even crossed my mind, normally. i haven't read anything about her or seen any pictures of her recently at a supermarket or anything. that wasn't my idea, i can be sure about that. somebody was seeding me when i was dreaming, and trying to get a very different outcome.
i actually don't think i've seen any film at all in upwards of 20 years. there is no movie star i'm thinking about because i don't watch movies. i would rather do anything than waste my time in front of a tv watching a movie - i think it's a complete waste of oxygen. i do not enjoy watching films and do not do so. i don't want to waste an afternoon. i don't want to turn my mind off. i have work to do; it's a boring waste of time.
despite this obvious drugging, with it's clear intent that has completely failed, i'm not seeing the signs of drugging that i would associate with forced steroid use, like i have previously. there is no unwanted hair growth, no unwanted muscle thickening, no unwanted arousal. i can hear them downstairs, and they're trying to enforce their thuggery and nonsense when i'm asleep, but they have completely failed to do anything but knock me out and make me tired. they are insisting on some pre-modern concept of treatment and refusing to understand that the sole thing that gave them results previously was the steroids, which i've aggressively metabolized and removed and undone with massive amounts of estrogen, progesterone and t-blocking.
i'm going to have to spend the night in the shower, drinking coffee and cleaning up from sleeping in my own sweat for much of the last week. i'm exhausted and i feel like shit.
as mentioned, i have a drug req ready to go if i notice the kinds of symptoms i'm worried about. for right now, it seems like i'm recuperating strictly from some kind of strong sedative, and i just need to focus on cleaning myself and dying my hair.
these disgusting low intelligence retards need to go fucking hang themselves off of a tree. they're despicable, disgusting, sad excuses for human beings that should be put out of their fucking misery by firing squad.