i didn't get to cleaning up or dying my hair, which is today's priority. i put together some documents for police, and i had some eggs around 7:00. i fell asleep around 8:00. i was already feeling a little agitated, but very tired, and i succumbed.
they woke me up a couple of times - around 9:00, around 10:30, around 12:30. i was limp each time. i sleep with my midsection covered. they have no actual idea what is going on down there, but they aren't reacting to evidence, they're operating on "theory".
this suggests that the suppression worked and that there was no testosterone in the bacon and eggs. the bacon and eggs uses a lot of margarine to make, and i used up the last of the bin. i think i can be confident that it's not in there. i had a big glass of juice; it wouldn't be likely to be in there, but the grapefruit juice might be making it worse. i put a little ceasar dressing on there. i did not use hot sauce.
however, on two occasions that i woke up to urinate i went back to sleep and experienced something i might describe as a full body orgasm. this would be building on the sensation i started feeling in the morning before i ate. i was limp throughout the process both times, but parts of my body were triggering. i could feel my scrotum contracting, with nothing coming out, and no subsequent erection. what was going on?
i don't know. i know my estrogen, progesterone and prolactin were all very high before i gave myself the hormone bath and, under different circumstances where i didn't think i was being watched and controlled, the feeling is such that i may want to fantasize about having vaginal sex. this was something more similar to female than to male arousal, and while i don't like being controlled, i'd be far more likely to get into this if they'd stop trying to masculinize me, which i don't like and think is gross and dumb. i'm not interested in male performative behaviour, which i think is primitive and stupid, and i'm going to push back and fight against them forever if they keep trying to generate erections, which i don't want. if they were to pump me full of estrogen and oxytocin, i might find myself unable to resist in the same way that i'm resisting their drugging of me with testosterone. this isn't an invitation by any means, i'm just pointing out that my reaction to their control methods in the absence of testosterone is very different than it is in the presence of it. cutting the testosterone out and replacing it with massive amounts of estrogen and progesterone almost made it not so bad, although i'm sure i'd get tired of this pretty quick, as well, if it started happening more frequently.
the first time, i fell asleep and woke up limp again around 12:30. the second time, i couldn't fall back asleep, and i couldn't stop the contractions, which kept coming, with no result. i was in this state of full body orgasm with my body repeatedly trying to trigger into priapism and repeatedly failing to do so for well over an hour before i took some calcium. i'll note i'm a little constipated, but i did pass some gas and it did relieve some pressure.
this is essentially the same thing that i've experienced over the previous few days, except that i'm back to being impotent and presume that there is minimal to no fructose sitting in my tubes to be cleared. it indicates that this is a two or three step process, but i already knew that. i've cut the testosterone out and am going to try to isolate it. i've determined that this started building before i ate.
i'll note that there was a smell of stale marijuana in the building this morning. i'll also note that if they came in here to put steroids in my hot sauce, they might have been able to put something like viagra in my juice, although the cause and effect doesn't uphold that. i was drinking a packaged instant coffee that is unlikely to have been tampered with.
i think the high female hormone levels are actually contributing and might be what i was feeling this morning, and that's ok, so long as i can get the testosterone back down to 0 where i want it. they wouldn't be causing my scrotum to dry contract and my body to repeatedly try to get erect and repeatedly fail, in the absence of any sexual stimulus, which i don't want. this only happens after i urinate, when i wake up. i think i'm breathing something in when i'm sleeping and pissing it out when i wake up and that thing isn't testosterone but some other hormone that triggers the process, like cortisol or oxytocin.
it's going to be very hard for me to prove that they're smoking something when i'm sleeping and it's chemically raping me when i wake up.
let me see if i can clear this out with coffee and water, get my hair fixed and focus on getting another blood test in the next few days.