i went checking to see if osteopenia is actually sufficient for permanent odsp status (i mean, are you going to go out there and tell me to do grunt work? i could break my spine.), and it turns out that i could be eligible for upwards of $200/month in dietary allowances if i get diagnosed with colitis and celiac.

so, there could be a return on this.

you'd think somebody else in my family would have been diagnosed with celiac by now, unless my mother has some 'splainin to do. i mean, i think everybody sort of suspected the point all along - i might vaguely be of sort of the same ethnicity as my father, but there's lots of very weird differences. like, body hair, for example - my father was a man ape, and i've never so much as sprouted a single hair between my belly button and my adam's apple. and, the men on my mom's side are hairy, too. it's a jarring difference that i've always found unsettling.

so, if i end up celiac, against all the evidence, i'm going to be up against a kind of jarring fact that nobody else on either side of the family has it. so, how did that happen, exactly?

unless i was switched at birth, i can be pretty sure about who my mother was. my father, on the other hand...

listen - i used to study royal genealogies. i've actually looked into this. it probably wouldn't surprise you to learn that people end up raised by people they call their fathers that aren't actually their fathers, but the numbers are startling.

what do you guess the percent is? 2%? 5%?

it's actually thought to be more in the range of 30-40%.

so, is your dad really your dad? fact is you can more or less flip a coin. women are sneaky sluts, it's just how it is. and, we live in a reality where financial stability and biological fitness are almost at cross-purposes to one another, too.

i mean, i'm not mad about it if it's true. if anything, it's probably good news, given how bad my dad's genes are, and how short the average lifespan on that side is. but, it would be very useful to know, for health purposes.

so, if that celiac test comes back positive, it's going to open a can of worms, let's just say.

the flip side of it is that my dad did have colitis. wellll....i think a diagnosis of colitis back in the 90s is probably a dubious thing, in truth. there was something going on in there, but he ate a lot of oregano, too. he wouldn't do what i'm doing - he'd take the doctor at face value. so, they supposedly told him that, but who knows...

but, maybe there's an upside to osteoporosis, if it ensures i don't have to go through another review, and even gets me into support at the federal level.