i'm not generally very interested in yelling about cultural appropriation, as it implies that cultural groups have property rights over their cultures, and i think that that's bullshit.

however, based on what i understand about islam, i would not expect that most muslims would consider this to be a sign of respect at all. the hijab is not a fashion item, it holds a particular religious significance, which ms. hochul does not adhere to. muslims would be more likely to interpret it as an insult than as a gesture of respect.

i think it reflects a wrong-headedness in fake left political discourses. i know from reading previous news reports that ms. hochul is a christian, and she has said many things that frighten me, like that she talks to god. unless she wants to follow in the footsteps of mohammad and joseph smith, she should stick to her own lane. her own voters will appreciate it.

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/08/03/nyregion/cruz-hochul-head-scarf-officer-funeral.html

i need to keep very close track of what i'm eating.

my normal guac is as follows:

- 2 avocados

- 4 cloves of garlic

- one carrot

- one beet

- one orange

- one lime

- spices & vitamins (cumin, hemp seeds, sunflower seeds, paprika, nutritional yeast, dill)

- ten slices of medium cheddar cheese

- caesar dressing

- frank's hot sauce

this would normally be half of a meal.

i have added a yellow pepper and a can of corn, which i realized was cream of corn after i opened it and added a layer of sweetness to the bowl that is unusual. i have subbed the frank's for my own hot sauce, for now.

there's a layer of oil on the top of every single one of the bottles of frank's i haven't touched yet. this is something separating out of the mixture. i've been eating piles of frank's on everything for years and i've never seen that before. it's extremely suspicious.

the vinegar looks clear, but i don't know what that means. i'm going to try it tonight, and if i wake up feeling like garbage then i'll throw it away.

there was a quarter cup of vinegar left. i initially put a quarter cup of water, two tablespoons of cayenne pepper and some unmeasured amount of sprinkled onion salt that i'd guess was a teaspoonish. it wasn't dissolving in the measuring cup, so i put it in a bottle and shook it. the mixture is a darker colour than frank's, but doesn't taste that different. i added a bit of water (unmeasured), another chunk of cayenne that had bunched in the container and a bit of onion sat that had bunched and started shaking it. i may add more of each item.

i suspect this will need to sit a day or two but i'm going to try it in the guac tonight anyways.

i should point out that i realize that buffalo meat contains items like zinc which are used in testosterone production, but that doesn't matter because i don't have testicles and because i'm taking suppressors. i don't eat a lot of meat, but i have never been strictly vegan, and it's never caused my testosterone to spike before.

if i conclude the buffalo is the problem, i'm going to be looking for a side of crow (should i go get a possum, too?) but it doesn't make any sense to me and would be secondary. i mean, maybe the buffalo meat made the steroids in the hot sauce worse, and maybe if i were to isolate either of them it wouldn't have any real effect. i could make sense of that.

if they're getting these drugs illegally, they're apparently quite expensive.

if there's a way other than temperature to recover a solute, i don't know what it is.

hrmmn.

if they drugged the hot sauce, would they drug the vinegar? should i take a chance?

i have some vinegar, some cayenne pepper and some garlic salt.

i could try to make my own hot sauce.

the frank's is dark red and you wouldn't catch anything dropped in it. the vinegar is...vinegar. it's clear. i don't want to burn it. how else can i tell if they spiked it?

this morning was not a priapism or anything close to it. it was a return to the 10 second erection that faded immediately on waking up, but it's enough to make the point abundantly clear. i had cleared my system out enough that i woke up repeatedly with no effect yesterday morning and earlier this morning. something changed, and the only source is the food i ate. it's mild enough that it's incremental enough to make sense.

i have to make sure i'm keeping close track of what i'm eating.

i still have one pineapple left, some limes and oranges, some red, orange and yellow peppers and some broccoli to eat (the last food bank run gave me a lot of broccoli and a lot of bell peppers, which is great, as those are staples in my diet that i didn't get previously), so i'm not going to put the pasta down entirely, but i am going to remove the three items i think are suspect - the kfc chicken, the ground buffalo and the hot sauce - until i fully detox, and then bring them back in one by one, with the hot sauce last.

the pasta without the hot sauce is tolerable. the guac without the hot sauce is going to be an adjustment but ok. salsa and quinoa (lentils) without hot sauce seem almost impossible, given the recipes.

there are other items to eat up, like the poutine. i bought a fair amount of bacon the last time i was out. if i eat these other items first, and maybe get through some canned food, then i can put the hot sauce reliant items aside for a few days, until i buy fresh bottle at the store. i had portioned out hot sauce i bought in bulk into a half dozen containers and let it sit unpackaged when i went out, which i should not live in fear of doing. i had to let them do it and then catch them, because the police either aren't listening or are actually so corrupt and crooked that they're drugging me themselves.

while it's hard for me to make sense of how they could inject the steroids into the chicken or beef in a way that would bypass my liver, something that is more possible is that they might have dropped something into my pan, where it would be soluble. i had a pan with a little bit of salami grease and a little bit of olive oil. i left it on the stove, covered, without changing it when i went out, and was reusing it when i was cooking. if they dropped something in there and i then fried the buffalo up in it, i might have then consumed it, and it might have been the cause of the difference in experience. steroids are generally absorbed better in fatty meals. that doesn't really explain the totality of the last few days, though. only the hot sauce really correlates, but i'm not done testing yet.

i'm going to be keeping close track of this over the next few days as i sort this out.

tonight, i'm going to have my normal guac but with no hot sauce, with added yellow pepper and canned corn and with a monterrey jack tuna sandwich melt on the side. i'll post the recipe.

- june 16th: doubled up salsa with chick peas, cheese, spices and vitamins.

- june 17th: onion soup bacon poutine

- june 18th: basic doritos nachos and french onon soup with bacon

- june 19th: doubled up salsa reprise

- june 20th: caesar salad without subs

- june 21st: 2nd onion soup poutine with onion soup and last chance salad

- june 22rd: 3rd onion soup poutine with onion soup with beets

- june 23rd: caesar salad without subs

- june 24th: caesar salad without subs

- june 25th: bacon and eggs without subs, no salsa

- june 26th: bacon and eggs without subs, no salsa

- june 27th: ad hoc pad thai

- june 28th: broccoli soup

- june 29th: fridge-clearing meal (oranges & garlic bread)

- june 30th: kd + chick peas + fridge clearing exercise

- july 1st:    kd + chick peas + fridge clearing exercise

- july 2nd:  kd + chick peas + fridge clearing exercise

- july 3rd:  10 packages of instant oatmeal, in 5 installments. spaghetti-os + spices & vitamins (cumin, cayenne, pepper, oregano, paprika, sunflower seed, hemp seed, nutritional yeast, frank's).

- july 4th:  a can of stew and a can of corn, plus spices & vitamins.

- july 5th: a package of jasmine rice i had put aside as a quinoa sub (it probably isn't), with a can of peas and a can of tomato soup, plus spices and vitamins.

- july 6th: a can of beans cooked in a can of vegetable soup, plus spices and vitamins.

- july 7th:  two cans of chicken noodle soup, plus spices and vitamins. tim's xl double-double coffee in morning. two builders protein mini bars in evening. 7-11 coffee with jalapeno taquito late at night.

- july 8th: food bank junk food eat through - two bags of "real vegetable chips" (one big, one small), a bag of goldfish crackers, one mini crispy crunch, some strawberry licorice, prime energy drink, two tim horton's donuts, little ceasar's pepperoni pizza with unlabelled chocolate milk product.

- july 9th: another prime energy drink with another unlabelled chocolate milk product, unlabelled food bank ginger bread (two loaves)

- july 10th: pasta with minor subs (1), third energy drink, sour cream n cheddar chips

- july 11th: sour cream 'n' bacon, sour cream 'n' onion chips

- july 12th: more licorice, pasta with minor subs (2)

- july 13th: jalapeno cheddar chips, pasta with minor subs (3)

- july 14th: 10 baby cookies, pasta with minor subs (4)

- july 15th: i ate most of the 14th pasta on the 15th and followed it with the remaining baby cookies (which are actually french butter cookies, not baby cookies. they look like baby cookies). i did not make pasta for the 15th.

- july 16th:.  pasta with minor subs (5)

- july 17th:  pasta with minor subs (6)

- july 18th (on the 19th):  pasta with minor subs (7)

- july 19th (on the 20th): cereal (one bowl of vector and all bran with paprika, flax, nutritional yeast, hemp seeds and soy, as per my normal diet and one bowl of instant oatmeal with a little real milk and an apple)

- july 20th (on the 21st): pasta with minor subs (8)

- july 21st (on the 22nd): pasta with minor subs (9)

- july 22nd: cereal day 2 in cycle 2 (final cycle 2 cereal day): one bowl of vector and all bran with paprika, flax, nutritional yeast, hemp seeds and soy, as per my normal diet and one bowl of instant oatmeal with a little real milk and two apples, one in the oatmeal and one standalone.

- july 23rd: cereal day 1 in cycle 3

- july 24: pasta with minor subs (10)

- july 25: cereal day 2 in cycle 3, same as 22 and 23, with the addition of 6 mini apple sauce containers.

- july 26: pasta with minor subs (11)

- july 27th - guac with white rice and canned corn. two pieces of white bread with plum better.

- july 28th: pasta with minor subs (12)

- july 29th: guac with white rice and canned corn. two pieces of white toast with olive oil margarine, and then two pieces of white bread with plum butter after. four more pieces of white bread, with plum butter and strawberry jam. 

- july 30th: pasta with minor subs (13), including fried chicken for salami.

- july 31st: a larger piece of fried chicken alone. pasta with minor subs (14), including a mix of buffalo and chicken for salami. six pieces of white bread for peanut butter and strawberry jam.

- aug 1st: four pieces of white bread and the rest of the peanut butter. quinoa without subs (on aug 3rd).

- aug 2nd: four marshmallows, two bananas and a chocolate bar. quinoa without subs (on aug 3rd).

- aug 3rd: pasta with minor subs (14), including the buffalo/chicken mix for salami (on aug 4th). two pieces of toasted italian bread.

- aug 4th: bacon and eggs (no salsa) 

- aug 5th: pasta with minor subs (15), including the buffalo/chicken mix for salami. two pieces of toasted italian bread.

- aug 6th: guac with yellow pepper, homemade hot sauce and canned corn with a monterrey jack tuna melt.

- aug 7th: pasta with minor subs (16), no hot sauce and no salami sub. 

i don't want to live in the bronze age or the dark ages.

i want to live in the space age.

i can put together a plan.

- i need to detox the poisonous testosterone from my system, first. this substance is shit. people that take this voluntarily are retards. i don't want it in my system. i'd remove my kidneys and inject myself with red blood cells instead if i could. it's a complete garbage hormone with complete garbage effects.

- once that's done, i can take a blood test that will demonstrate what my blood chemistry looks like normally, in the absence of this bullshit i'm being drugged with.

- then i can buy a bottle of hot sauce at the store and make meals with it, locking myself inside until it's done.

- i can take another blood test after that

i have to find a way to test the hot sauce. it looks like they went overboard to overpower my blockers, and that means it should be easier to test and catch. 

i can't do anything until i detox and clean myself up. i can't go to a blood lab. i can't do laundry. i can't go to the police station. i can't look for apartments. i can't take the garbage out. i can do nothing but lock myself inside and wash myself until i'm clean and the disgusting filth they're enforcing on me in the name of their bronze age rules has washed off.

we need to wake up and fight back before it's too late.

canada is on the brink of entering a devastating muslim dark age that will dismantle and destroy the country, unless we stand up and stand together and rise up and fight back.

i'll have to make that choice in the next week or two.

the only food source that actually makes sense is the hot sauce. if the problem persists, i guess i was wrong and will need to look at the drugs being smoked downstairs or at the windows as sources.

.....almost.

if cutting the hot sauce out is effective in removing the testosterone, i may decide it makes more sense to stay here and sue them.

but i can't sit here and keep getting harassed. i need to find somewhere safe to stay.

it's hard to make sense of how they could put it in the meat.

i had pasta last night and the result was pretty brutal, pretty fast. i had to double up on the suppressors again this morning. twice.

i'll need to remove the hot sauce from my diet. the next set of tests will come after i've detoxed the testosterone from my system and am back to looking like my self again, to demonstrate what a normal blood test looks like.

i'm further deciding i'll have to move as soon as possible.

some of the greatest heroes of english and western culture include people like oscar wilde, alan turing, galileo, socrates and adam weishaupt who were targeted, harassed and in some cases killed by the religious and political authorities for daring to challenge the official views of the church and/or the state. i could stand on the shoulders of shorter giants.

the drugs are in my food. it's probably the hot sauce; it could potentially be the meat. the police appear to be involved, which means i might be being targeted by my own government.

this is canada, which is being taken over by radical islamism.

i've thought about this a bit and i'm deciding that what the world wants from israel in gaza - israel to rule it without annexing it - is impossible.

the world wants israel to feed gaza. it wants israel to police gaza. in return, israel doesn't collect tax revenue from gaza and has no legal jurisdiction over it. the world wants it both ways.

israel has been trying to explain that it has no real responsibility to feed gaza, and the aid chaos is a result of a lack of local policing. hamas itself, which should be in charge of police but has delegated it to islamic jihad, which does not enforce legislated laws but instead enforces religious codes, points to egypt as responsible for the blockade. the world doesn't want to listen.

this probably isn't israel's train of thought, but it remains true: if it is israel's responsibility to feed and police the region, it needs to be able to levy taxes, and it needs jurisdiction. that requires annexation.

palestinian statehood is absurd. the egyptians won't take the city back. it leaves israel with few other options.

the world can't have it both ways. either gaza is not israel's responsibility and the problem is egypt, or gaza is israel's responsibility and it needs jurisdiction to tax and police it.

no. this is stupid.

the europeans completely outsmarted trump, who agreed to sell off a half a trillion dollars of his manufacturing base to his frenemies across the pond. that was dumb.

you'll see how it plays out.

trump has three years left, max. i don't think he makes it that long.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/aug/06/eu-us-trade-deal-trump

for covid, specifically, most people should take whole virus vaccines.

a more stable virus like polio may be better targeted by mrna vaccines.

my understanding is that he's actually right.

mrna vaccine technology should be used to attack viruses that are more stable than the flu or covid, which will mutate at a high rate on a regular schedule. the problem is that it's too specific, so it loses efficacy faster than the oldest method, which i understand is still the best, which is just injecting dead virus.

if you use the whole virus, the vaccine may still stimulate antibodies based on other parts of the virus, even after it's mutated several times. if you use just the spike protein, it will stop working when the spike protein changes.

mrna vaccines may cause viruses to mutate in the specific way to evade the vaccines. that is less random than not using mrna vaccines. i wouldn't expect this is a big deal, though.

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c74dzdddvmjo

he did not have sexual relations with that underage woman.

has he said that yet? 

he's going to.

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c79l38vl3lwo

we can use the steel, copper and aluminum in construction, too. we need more affordable apartment buildings.

if they actually do this, it's the best news i've heard in years.

https://www.pm.gc.ca/en/news/news-releases/2025/08/05/prime-minister-carney-announces-new-measures-transform-canada

the coffee made me poop. that's normal. there was some bacon in there, but also bits of the previous pasta, like red sauce (paprika or tomatoes) and some spices that might have been dill. i wasn't completely cleared out. i should have eggs again tonight, then.

i don't know if it's because it cleared my colon or because the muscle contractions in peristalsis also tend to completely clear your urinary tract, but that cleared me out, as it has previously. repeatedly.

the thing i understand is the steroids and testosterone. it's pretty clear somebody is drugging me with that. i should focus on catching and prosecuting that, and then try to figure out the rest after.

this morning was very weird but is upholding my previous deductions.

i didn't get to cleaning up or dying my hair, which is today's priority. i put together some documents for police, and i had some eggs around 7:00. i fell asleep around 8:00. i was already feeling a little agitated, but very tired, and i succumbed.

they woke me up a couple of times - around 9:00, around 10:30, around 12:30. i was limp each time. i sleep with my midsection covered. they have no actual idea what is going on down there, but they aren't reacting to evidence, they're operating on "theory". 

this suggests that the suppression worked and that there was no testosterone in the bacon and eggs. the bacon and eggs uses a lot of margarine to make, and i used up the last of the bin. i think i can be confident that it's not in there. i had a big glass of juice; it wouldn't be likely to be in there, but the grapefruit juice might be making it worse. i put a little ceasar dressing on there. i did not use hot sauce.

however, on two occasions that i woke up to urinate i went back to sleep and experienced something i might describe as a full body orgasm. this would be building on the sensation i started feeling in the morning before i ate. i was limp throughout the process both times, but parts of my body were triggering. i could feel my scrotum contracting, with nothing coming out, and no subsequent erection. what was going on?

i don't know. i know my estrogen, progesterone and prolactin were all very high before i gave myself the hormone bath and, under different circumstances where i didn't think i was being watched and controlled, the feeling is such that i may want to fantasize about having vaginal sex. this was something more similar to female than to male arousal, and while i don't like being controlled, i'd be far more likely to get into this if they'd stop trying to masculinize me, which i don't like and think is gross and dumb. i'm not interested in male performative behaviour, which i think is primitive and stupid, and i'm going to push back and fight against them forever if they keep trying to generate erections, which i don't want. if they were to pump me full of estrogen and oxytocin, i might find myself unable to resist in the same way that i'm resisting their drugging of me with testosterone. this isn't an invitation by any means, i'm just pointing out that my reaction to their control methods in the absence of testosterone is very different than it is in the presence of it. cutting the testosterone out and replacing it with massive amounts of estrogen and progesterone almost made it not so bad, although i'm sure i'd get tired of this pretty quick, as well, if it started happening more frequently.

the first time, i fell asleep and woke up limp again around 12:30. the second time, i couldn't fall back asleep, and i couldn't stop the contractions, which kept coming, with no result. i was in this state of full body orgasm with my body repeatedly trying to trigger into priapism and repeatedly failing to do so for well over an hour before i took some calcium. i'll note i'm a little constipated, but i did pass some gas and it did relieve some pressure.

this is essentially the same thing that i've experienced over the previous few days, except that i'm back to being impotent and presume that there is minimal to no fructose sitting in my tubes to be cleared. it indicates that this is a two or three step process, but i already knew that. i've cut the testosterone out and am going to try to isolate it. i've determined that this started building before i ate.

i'll note that there was a smell of stale marijuana in the building this morning. i'll also note that if they came in here to put steroids in my hot sauce, they might have been able to put something like viagra in my juice, although the cause and effect doesn't uphold that. i was drinking a packaged instant coffee that is unlikely to have been tampered with.

i think the high female hormone levels are actually contributing and might be what i was feeling this morning, and that's ok, so long as i can get the testosterone back down to 0 where i want it. they wouldn't be causing my scrotum to dry contract and my body to repeatedly try to get erect and repeatedly fail, in the absence of any sexual stimulus, which i don't want. this only happens after i urinate, when i wake up. i think i'm breathing something in when i'm sleeping and pissing it out when i wake up and that thing isn't testosterone but some other hormone that triggers the process, like cortisol or oxytocin.

it's going to be very hard for me to prove that they're smoking something when i'm sleeping and it's chemically raping me when i wake up.

let me see if i can clear this out with coffee and water, get my hair fixed and focus on getting another blood test in the next few days.

we should also give cuba a call and see what they're up to and if they want to hang out.

have you noticed that some types of juice and fruit didn't double in price?

it's because they're from mexico, or brazil.

it's trump's choice to force us to buy from other countries. it doesn't hurt us to do that.

i looked into this a little, and the big companies, like walmart and sobeys, already use a market system to find the cheapest source in their manufactured products, like juice. that's why their brand name juice didn't go up. the market-based juice sourcing process just shifted sources.

this is right in trump's backyard, too. he should take a walk around some orange plantations in florida and ask the farmers how business is going. that won't come up in the job numbers, because america doesn't pay it's farm workers, it enslaves them.

this is just getting started. there's lots and lots of things that we can start buying from mexico, instead. that's going to take a big chunk out of us gdp. it's what trump wants.

we should call the brazilians and the chileans, as well. brazil is a big economy, but it's still developing. chile is generally considered a first world country, and argentina isn't that far off.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/champagne-anand-mexico-trip-1.7601077

"Mexico will continue to pay a 25% Fentanyl Tariff, 25% Tariff on Cars, and 50% Tariff on Steel, Aluminum and Copper," Trump said in a Truth Social post. "Additionally, Mexico has agreed to immediately terminate its Non Tariff Trade Barriers, of which there were many."

all evidence is that trump just doesn't understand. 

he thinks he's taxing the outside world to pay off the debt. he's repeatedly talked about making other countries pay.

of course, americans will pay the 25% fentanyl tariff, the 25% tariff on cars an d the 50% tariff on metals, no mexicans, which trump is insistent should not pay any tariffs at all, and would get very angry if the mexicans did levy tariffs n their own citizens.

i'm not a scholar of american history, but i don't think this level of insanity has ever existed at the presidential level before, with the possible exception of reagan. trump is nowhere near as flat out stupid as george w. bush was, and he won't be remembered for lacking intelligence. this is more in the neighbourhood of a nero or a henry viii.

but the best examples are chinese, even if i don't know them off of the top of my head. this level of nonsense is actually rare in the west. it's more reflective of the decadence of oriental despotism.

jello does not dissolve in water unless it's boiling.

that's the point.

so that won't work.

this salted caramel iced latte is supposed to be a cold drink, and it is relatively tasty when prepared with cold water.

maybe i should just drink it on it's own and get to the next round of coffee after. 

there's five left.

what do i do with jello, exactly? jello, like marshmallows, isn't really food. can i put jello in coffee?

on my first blood test, i wasn't fasting and my ketones were in ketosis levels. on the second blood test, i was fasting and the ketones were trace. neither test suggested any sign of diabetes.

it would seem to be far more likely that the ketones in the urine were byproducts of how steroids were manufactured, which i hadn't picked up before. i've found three types of anabolic steroids that are manufactured as ketones (acetates or enanthates) and which are soluble in vinegar.

i'm going to avoid the hot sauce for a few days and see what happens.

the second test had trace ketones in urine. i had blood ketones tested, but the results are not in yet. the results of urine cortisol also have not come in yet.

these are my normal testosterone results:

clearly, testing at 1.1 is anomalous.

the orchiectomy was in the summer of 2021.

interestingly, anabolic steroids are often distributed as an acetate, which would show up in urine as a ketone.

however, anabolic steroids are not water soluble. they are fat soluble and soluble in alcohol. they would be soluble in vinegar.

i should be able to identify if somebody put steroid pills in my juice or milk, as it should separate out (like oil and vinegar). it would potentially be harder to identify in the salad dressing, the margarine or the hot sauce.

i put heaping amounts of hot sauce on almost everything.

i don't think this is how they're doing it, but i have to be rigorous about this.

the next few meals are going to need to be things that they couldn't have spiked. things they could have spiked are

- open juice

- open soy milk

- open salad dressing

- open frank's

they couldn't have spiked things like fruit, eggs or cheese. so, it makes sense to have bacon and eggs this morning and take it from there.

i need to document this somewhere as i'm doing it.

over the next few days, i need to come to a clear answer on whether i'm being drugged via food, via injection, via smoke or some combination of them. specifically, i need to figure out whether there's testosterone in my food or not. then i need to make a choice and act on it.

what i learned from that pdf document is that orally administered steroids take a while to digest. you couldn't drop steroids in somebody's drink and expect it to effect them that night. it needs to go through their system, and most absorption occurs in the colon. this is probably why i'm experiencing the effects right before i need to shit.

conversely, the female and male-blocking hormones i'm taking voluntarily are absorbed extremely fast, via the stomach, and at peak within a few hours.

there's a caveat i need to introduce, which is that my metabolism is bizarrely fast, unless i slow it down with tums, which i have been doing lately. i can push something out within 12 hours. on top of that, my diet is extremely high in fibre, which speeds it up that much more. in fact, i need to take a shit right now.

back.

that was the pasta that i ate half of about 15 hours ago and the rest of less than 6 hours ago, and i think it was mostly from the latter because it's not the first of it. i know it's the most recent pasta meal because i already shit the last thing i ate, the quinoa, out in one massively epic rock hard three foot log that may have mildly torn on the way out and threatened to clog, but did push it's way through after the third flush. it's really that fast - less than 24 hours, unless i'm unusually constipated. i eat these giant meals and don't gain any weight. when it's really fibre based, it just rips through; i'll shit out a family-sized serving bowl worth of salad in 5 or 6 hours. this is probably the actual reason i can't build iron stores, because my metabolism is too fucking fast to absorb anything properly.

that means that what is in my colon is mostly food i ate in the last day or two, max, and probably food i've eaten in the last 12 hours. it's not as fast as the pills i take voluntarily, but it's unusually fast for digestion. it's fast enough to test. i may have to argue this point, but i had a cancer scare a few years ago, and i documented this pretty thoroughly. i have to be really, really constipated to hold on to any meal at all for more than two days, and that's why my bmi is in the 19-20 range, despite eating like a queen. i couldn't gain weight if i wanted to (thankfully, i don't want to).

this is what i did:

- i finished eating around 20:00. it was the last bit of pasta and a couple of pieces of toasted italian bread. after eating the garlic cheese buns, i ate through the baguette and mostly ate the white bread with pb and jam and plum butter. i still have the loaf of italian bread, a loaf of whole wheat bread and a loaf of flax/quinoa bread i bought myself.

- i took a giant shit a few hours ago that cleared out the most recent pasta (it was after the giant quinoa shit). i just pushed out whatever was left as i was typing this.

- a few hours later, i doubled up on all of my hormones all at once - t-blockers, estrogen and progesterone. this is a lot of everything. my doctor would scream at me, but my liver and kidneys are testing ok, and i had to do this to test. this is intended to just overwhelm my system, and it might make me a little sick, but that's ok.

- i then masturbated, which i almost never do. it'd been about four months. ish. i don't like to masturbate because it's male performative. i won't get into the details, but i masturbate in a way that minimizes the male performative aspect as much as possible. it's actually fairly female performative. i cannot generally get erect at all, let alone maintain an erection, and masturbating is sort of weird for that reason. i have to kind of rub up against a mostly limp appendage. i don't usually ejaculate anything out when it's done and the fact that i did tonight is further proof that i've recently been drugged. anything i might do to negate this aside, the reality is that my anatomy is what it is and it's impossible to get around the male performative component, so i'd rather just avoid it altogether. when my testosterone is properly suppressed, i can and have gone months and months, perhaps years (i didn't keep track) without masturbation, but i have been drugged recently and i had to face the cold reality that, because i've been repeatedly drugged and haven't ejaculated in months, anything clogging up my system would be contributing to the problem, in terms of experiential effects. i did this to clear my system out. it should both make me feel better and help isolate sources, for testing. now that i'm completely cleared out, my body should have a difficult time generating anything further, unless i'm drugged again. 

- now, i need to be clear about this. when they removed my testicles, they removed both my sperm cells and my vas deferens, so i'm physically incapable of generating or ejecting any kind of sperm at all. however, i do still have a prostate and i do still have various tubes and ducts like the seminal vesicle that create the non-sperm parts of semen, like the lubricating fluid. what came out would actually be mostly sugar, and a bit of protein. once again, when my testosterone is properly suppressed, my body does not produce this fluid, either. however, i've been repeatedly drugged, and there was some fluid in my ducts for that reason. it's more proof that i've been drugged. i removed that from my system, and it should make a positive difference.

- if i don't get drugged again, it should take months for this fluid to build back up to any substantive level, if it even does at all. if it builds back up quickly, it's evidence that the source of testosterone i'm being drugged with is in the air or in my food.

- i'm going to avoid eating for a while and see what happens.

i'm essentially clearing myself out as much as i can, radically shocking my system with a massive female hormone bath and then seeing what happens. do symptoms cease, indicating i successfully detoxed it out and they'll have to get in here to drug me again? or do they continue, indicating it's in my food, or that i'm breathing it in?

for tonight, i'm going to try to clean up and finally get my hair dyed. the massive flush of estrogen will have other, beneficial side effects, as well.

if i notice continued symptoms of forced drugging, i will get to the lab on tuesday or wednesday. otherwise, i'm going to need to wait until what i just shocked my system with comes down a little.

if israel succeeds in occupying gaza (which it previously indicated it had no intention of doing) in response to the recognition of palestine by the cabot three, it overwhelmingly demonstrates that they are so irrelevant that they should be removed from the security council. the newspapers are claiming it's "symbolic". that's bullshit. the only thing it symbolizes is the final death of atlantic naval colonialism, and of anglo-french global supremacy.

ingested steroids are going to build up in the colon and bladder. they'll actually cycle through your system.

is the reason it's worse when i wake up simply because i haven't excreted anything when i'm asleep? when i'm awake, i'm going to excrete every few hours. when i'm asleep, it could be twice as long.

i hear them talking to me when i wake up, but maybe i'm faking causality. maybe i'm confusing myself by the correlation. maybe it's really 100% just the drugs.

i don't want this to be true. i'm sick of this. i don't want to have to move again. i want this to end and to get back to working on my art. i want them to fuck off and leave me alone.

i would expect that syria is on the brink of imploding like it never has before.

as violence breaks out across the country, please keep in mind that the capital is currently under the control of a group that is basically the same thing as isis. many of these groups taking up arms understand they have no choice but to fight to defend themselves from being slaughtered, and that they have a limited time window in which they can act before it's too late.

how would you react if your government was taken over by thugs of that sort?

i'm constantly shitting the steroids out. if i get a batch of diarrhea, it actually makes me feel better after. my diet is very high in fibre.

i have a fair amount of evidence suggesting somebody is sticking something in my rectum. i don't want to negate or walk away from that.

however, i've just spent some time looking into how steroids are metabolized, and a lot of it is done in the large intestine and colon. this document is very helpful.

if they're putting something in my food, they have a key and i need to file a t2 and get out.

https://www.cahisus.co.uk/pdf/DR%20JOHN%20HONOUR%20ABSORPTION%20OF%20STEROIDS%20WHAT%20HAPPENS%20IN%20THE%20GUT.pdf

the nazis are puppets of the turks. their facade is transparent.

if the kurds won't pledge allegiance to the caliphate, they'll be attacked.

https://news.am/eng/news/897684.html

pythagorean theory foreshadowed newtonian physics in defining a world where everything had an equal and opposite thing. it defined existence in terms of these pairs of quantities or qualities, called cosmic opposites. as such, it hypothesized the existence of a counter-earth, or antichthon, which counter-balanced the earth in it's orbit around the central fire. the pythagoreans did not believe the earth was the center of the universe, but rather that the sun and earth both orbited around a central fire. the antichthon was the opposite and reverse of the earth, like something out of a star trek episode.

canada and russia are cosmic opposites, mirror reflections through the axis of the north pole. we will have no choice but to take on an equally important role in global affairs, if we want to continue to exist at all.

canada doesn't have the infrastructure to make money spent on r & d worthwhile.

if the government wants to do something smart, i agree it should put a major focus on reversing the decline in our education system with the intent of eventually cranking up r & d funding.

but canada doesn't see itself as a global player, and really never has. until we change our mindset, we're going to be content finding a niche between great powers, rather than seek to become one ourselves. the thing is that climate change positions us extremely well and we essentially have the choice to become a great power or become a failed state. we can't sit on this vast a space without becoming a dominant power. 

in a lot of ways, we're the new russia. i just wish we'd stop hating them so much. we're going to walk into their global niche.

https://nationalpost.com/news/the-two-ways-trump-tariffs-on-canada-could-collapse

if you were a 20 year old kid manning a check point with a machine gun and some group of starving arabs was rushing at you, what would you do?

that shouldn't be what exists.

i want to repeat this.

israel is policing gaza with the military because gaza has no police. people are getting killed because that's not a proper role for conscripted soldiers.

the creation of a police force one way or the other needs to be strongly prioritized.

i understand that israel is reacting to crowds rushing distribution centres. they have to do something.

can't they use rubber bullets? shouldn't they be using riot police for crowd control, instead of conscripted soldiers that are given guns when they should be in school and are scared shitless?

and, can the palestinian people take some responsibility? can you organize yourselves? can you govern yourselves? do you even want to?

how is the bison?

i couldn't really taste it the first time, and i overcooked it this time. i'm using too many spices in the pan. it just came out like sloppy joe's.

next time, i'll just fry it in olive oil.

that 3% number will be revised downwards.

a lot.

due to the statistical difficulties in normalizing real gdp to inflation in real time in the face of hefty tariffs, the jobs numbers in the united states are a far better metric to understand the direction of the economy than gdp.

you won't really be able to understand q2 gdp numbers in the face of tariff inflation until you can properly calculate inflation, which won't be for a few quarters.

i haven't seen any normalized figure of recent american gdp.

anybody bringing the issue up would no doubt get fired.

gdp is a summation of all economic activity in an economy.

tariffs are a tax that increase prices.

therefore, by definition, tariffs increase gdp, without indicating any particular benefit to the economy.

in fact, any form of inflation increases gdp. that's why economists do things like normalize gdp to 1990 numbers.

any questions?

it is predictable that endless, rising tariffs are going to eventually create domestic unrest in canada.

there's better ways to retaliate than this.

canada might not have the same domestic constraints or considerations as the mexican government, but that doesn't make taxing it's own people any better of a policy.

we might not have separatist guerrilla forces operating here quite yet, but the 'freedom convoy' should have taught the canadian government that it cannot abuse it's own people endlessly. at some point, these right-wing movements join forces with indigenous groups, and then it doesn't look that different than mexico, after all.

i do think that canada should retaliate, but not by taxing it's own people.

the reason he hiked the tariffs is that we caved to pressure before. trump thinks kind of the same way that hamas does - if his tactics yield results, he increases them. this seems counter-intuitive to canadian negotiators, who expect a reasonable partner that's willing to make concessions. that's not how trump thinks. in trump's mind, he's proven that canada is weak, and can therefore be taken advantage of.

the mexicans have not caved to pressure. it's true that they haven't retaliated, but look at gdp per capita in mexico compared to canada. if the mexican government levied 20% taxes on american corn or beef, it might start a civil war. that's not what trump is reacting to. the mexicans haven't been as easily pushed around, so he's not pushing them around.

trump isn't looking for fights, he's looking for victims. he's identifying the easiest meat.

there's an old pink floyd song. it's one of my favourite records.

You got to be crazy, you gotta have a real need

Gotta sleep on your toes and when you're on the street

Got to be able to pick out the easy meat with your eyes closed

Then moving in silently, down wind and out of sight

You got to strike when the moment is right without thinking

And after a while, you can work on points for style

Like the club tie, and the firm handshake

A certain look in the eye and an easy smile

You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to

So that when they turn their backs on you

You'll get the chance to put the knife in

You gotta keep one eye

Looking over your shoulder

You know, it's going to get harder, harder and harder

As you get older

Yeah, and in the end you'll pack up, fly down south

Hide your head in the sand

Just another sad old man

All alone and dying of cancer

Got to admit that I'm a little bit confused

Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used

Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off

This creeping malaise

If I don't stand my own ground

How can I find my way out of this maze?

Deaf, dumb and blind, you just keep on pretending

That everyone's expendable and no one has a real friend

And it seems to you the thing to do

Would be to isolate the winner

Everything's done under the sun

But you believe at heart everyone's a killer

https://www.cbc.ca/news/world/trump-tariffs-canada-carney-next-1.7599602

i've decided to move to dried dill and to add it to my other spices. 

fresh dill is good for cooking, but it has essentially no nutritional value. i should be using dried dill in salads, as it has a substantive amount of iron per tbsp.

i didn't post my quinoa recipe.

i do it like this.

- turn a burner on the stove on to full blast. highest setting. crank it to 11.

- measure a third a cup of quinoa and place it into a fine strainer. i use the basket from a broken coffee machine for this purpose. let it run under water for at least five minutes, moving it around every little while. the reason you rinse the quinoa is to remove the saponins, which may block the digestion of key nutrients.

- while the stove is preheating and the quinoa is rinsing, chop the following items and put it all into a big, serving bowl:

- one red pepper (or around 150 grams)

- one carrot (or around 110 grams)

- one beet

- 50 grams of broccoli florets

- one avocado

- two cloves of garlic

- one orange

- one lime

- when that is done, take the quinoa out of the strainer and put it into a sturdy pot

- add a tad more than 2/3 cups of water

- add a fair amount of frank's hot sauce. if you want to add other items to season, do it, but i just stick with the hot sauce.

- stir.

- put pot on stove and wait until it comes to a boil.

- when it's boiling, cover the pot.

- walk to your microwave and set it to 15 minutes.

- walk back to the stove and reduce the heat. i had a newer stove in my previous apartment, and i would set it to min. on my very old stove (70s) in this apartment, i set it to 3.

- while it is cooking, add the following to the bowl:

- a few strands of fresh dill

- 1 tbsp of paprika

- 1 tbsp of oregano

- 1 tbsp of sunflower seeds

- 1 tbsp of cayenne

- 1 tbsp of cumin

- a bunch of pepper

- 1 tbsp of hemp seeds

- 1 tbsp of nutritional yeast

- 10 slices of medium cheddar cheese

- a lot of ceasar dressing

- a lot of frank's hot sauce

- while you're getting used to your stove, check on the quinoa periodically to make sure it hasn't boiled all the water off. it's done when the water boils off. don't overcook.

- if there is still water after fifteen minutes, you didn't cook it at high enough temperature. that's ok. stir and let sit until water burns off.

- when it's done, remove from burner and let sit, covered, for five minutes.

- dump, hot, into bowl.

i eat the quinoa with a tall glass of fortified, sugar-free soy milk.

i did that twice yesterday with no substitutions. however, i'm now out of quinoa and have three bags of lentils. i'll be trying it with lentils as a sub for quinoa over the next week.

i believe that lentils are cooked the same way as quinoa (and rice), but i have no recollection of ever making or even ever eating lentils at all so i'll have to look into that.

this salted caramel coffee is a little too salty for my tastes. i'm not sure who'd be into this, but it's not me.

dumping the caffeinated instant coffee into a cup of already potent brewed hot coffee has also created an extremely powerful mixture that is making me a little oozy. the fact that this isn't that yummy aside, it's a little too much caffeine.

i'm going to put some water in it.

this article is a bit of a primer to get you up to date. i found it helpful.

it's really in the west's benefit to support continued decentralization in syria. we don't want a centralized islamist state in syria, we want to divide and conquer. from a leftist perspective, i also want to support the right of more liberal regions to self-determination, including the christian and alawite groups, which are not discussed in this article. 

the ideal outcome would be multiple autonomous regions, most of which are not islamist. if a couple get off the ground, it could help alter the culture in the area by giving more liberal voices a vehicle to organize and govern through.

the kurds have their problems, but they remain a model for self-governance in the region that is outside of the rubric of islamic fundamentalism. 

https://jamestown.org/program/do-the-suwayda-clashes-in-syria-signal-future-clashes-between-the-kurds-and-the-new-syrian-regime/

if the end result of this mess is that non-baathist secular arab nationalist forces are able to retake damascus and expel the islamists and set up a non-baathist secular arab nationalist democracy in a way that reunifies the country, maybe this wasn't so bad, and maybe this is how it had to happen.

but, we've been supporting the bad guys in syria for decades, and it's never too late to change sides.

there's a reason assad hung on so long against the odds, which were so stacked against him. he was hardly some kind of military dictator. he was a figurehead that was trained as an optometrist and only went back to syria because his brother, who was supposed to be the ruthless dictator, died before seizing power. the form of government in syria for the last 20 years has been a military junta, which assad was trying to convert into a european style democracy. both he and his wife spent their formative years in britain, and apparently liked the british form of government enough that they wanted to implement it in syria.

this isn't hypothetical. there were multiple referendums in syria on a new constitution that was meant to transition military rule into a democracy. this was what assad was actually doing, as leader of syria - trying to dismantle the junta.

the dominant opposition to democracy in syria, and the key entity fighting against assad, was saudi arabia. the saudis vehemently oppose any form of democracy in any arab state.

it's not exactly that the syrian people were in favour of the baath regime, so much as that they overwhelming stood with the form of government called "secular arab nationalism", which the saudis have been trying to get rid of for over 50 years. to our great shame and discredit, we have supported the saudis in their quest to wipe out democracy in the middle east.

assad hung on so long because the people of syria don't want to live in an islamic theocracy run by nazis governing the country out of the back of a koran, and this fascist government won't last long for that reason, not even with heavy turkish backing.

when an ideology is as unpopular as islamism is in syria, it simply can't govern.

western governments should be sending arms to these opposition groups fighting to overthrow the nazi coup, not sending aid to the nazis, themselves.

my own solidarity is certainly with those looking to overthrow the regime in damascus and reassert a secular state.

https://www.france24.com/en/middle-east/20250803-renewed-clashes-in-syria-s-druze-majority-sweida-kill-four-people-monitor-says?dicbo=v2-sGxzBg6

why are western governments talking with these nazis?

https://www.france24.com/en/middle-east/20250722-syria-investigation-finds-more-than-1-400-killed-in-march-sectarian-violence

i wouldn't support this.

the kurds should seek to distance themselves from the nazis currently in control of damascus and instead seek regional integration with iraqi and iranian kurdish factions, or even with israel.

syria is a failed state that should be dismantled.

https://www.france24.com/en/middle-east/20250725-paris-to-host-talks-on-integrating-kurdish-administration-into-syrian-state

i actually strongly support this, and i don't think it's right-wing.

i think that telling jews they can't mumble at their own wall is right-wing. the liberal position should obviously be that everybody has equal rights to mumble at the wall, and any attempt to limit access should be seen as reflective of an extreme right-wing position.

but, this is the era of orwell, and all our language is backwards and confused.

https://www.france24.com/en/middle-east/20250804-far-right-israeli-minister-sparks-outrage-by-praying-at-flashpoint-al-aqsa-mosque-compound

i have avoided claiming that palestinian recognition is a victory for hamas. i think that's overly simplistic, and it ignores the reality that the plans or recognition are conditional on hamas no longer existing.

clearly, however, hamas itself thinks it's winning.

and that's a problem that should cause governments in canada and the uk to recalculate.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2025/aug/03/israel-gaza-war-hamas-releases-second-video-of-hostage

this morning was a pretty rough experience. however, i've doubled up on the suppressors and i'm feeling better. i can't test for viagra, but i caught the elevated testosterone. they may have recently been trying to drug me with viagra without testosterone, and it didn't work.

they woke me up around 9:30, and i spent all day in the shower before falling asleep in the evening. i need to finish the shower tonight and hopefully maybe get my hair dyed.

as mentioned, i had the bread with peanut butter on friday night and then didn't eat at home again until sunday morning. it didn't appear to make any difference, in terms of the drugging. i had a handful of marshmallows, two bananas and a chocolate bar after the blood test and then passed out last night before eating. i actually slept well last night, but slept poorly this morning. i slept well again tonight.

what i'm determining over the next few days is whether i think the drugs are in my food. if the drugs are in my food, i have a case of illegal entry and need to fie a lawsuit and plan to move. i don't think that's the case, but i need to more rigorously rule it out.

i actually think it's in the pot. there was somebody smoking a large amount of pot outside my window last night, and i think that's what the source was for this morning. i'm also concerned somebody might be entering through my window and drugging me by inserting something in my anus, which would be utterly psychotic, but it seems to be what's happening.

i have now eaten the marshmallows and the crispy crunches. the next thing to put in my coffee is a box of salted caramel iced latte instant coffee. this is a coffee product itself, but instead of making it with water or milk, i'm going to make it with coffee.

well, i should have one with water to see what it's like by itself, but i'm trying the first one with coffee.

i'll need to make some more pasta tonight as well.

my head is splitting. my body is in chaos. this isn't supposed to be what's happening. i'm supposed to be post-operative and rapidly finishing my transition, not fighting with some stupid religious idiots.

- june 16th: doubled up salsa with chick peas, cheese, spices and vitamins.

- june 17th: onion soup bacon poutine

- june 18th: basic doritos nachos and french onon soup with bacon

- june 19th: doubled up salsa reprise

- june 20th: caesar salad without subs

- june 21st: 2nd onion soup poutine with onion soup and last chance salad

- june 22rd: 3rd onion soup poutine with onion soup with beets

- june 23rd: caesar salad without subs

- june 24th: caesar salad without subs

- june 25th: bacon and eggs without subs, no salsa

- june 26th: bacon and eggs without subs, no salsa

- june 27th: ad hoc pad thai

- june 28th: broccoli soup

- june 29th: fridge-clearing meal (oranges & garlic bread)

- june 30th: kd + chick peas + fridge clearing exercise

- july 1st:    kd + chick peas + fridge clearing exercise

- july 2nd:  kd + chick peas + fridge clearing exercise

- july 3rd:  10 packages of instant oatmeal, in 5 installments. spaghetti-os + spices & vitamins (cumin, cayenne, pepper, oregano, paprika, sunflower seed, hemp seed, nutritional yeast, frank's).

- july 4th:  a can of stew and a can of corn, plus spices & vitamins.

- july 5th: a package of jasmine rice i had put aside as a quinoa sub (it probably isn't), with a can of peas and a can of tomato soup, plus spices and vitamins.

- july 6th: a can of beans cooked in a can of vegetable soup, plus spices and vitamins.

- july 7th:  two cans of chicken noodle soup, plus spices and vitamins. tim's xl double-double coffee in morning. two builders protein mini bars in evening. 7-11 coffee with jalapeno taquito late at night.

- july 8th: food bank junk food eat through - two bags of "real vegetable chips" (one big, one small), a bag of goldfish crackers, one mini crispy crunch, some strawberry licorice, prime energy drink, two tim horton's donuts, little ceasar's pepperoni pizza with unlabelled chocolate milk product.

- july 9th: another prime energy drink with another unlabelled chocolate milk product, unlabelled food bank ginger bread (two loaves)

- july 10th: pasta with minor subs (1), third energy drink, sour cream n cheddar chips

- july 11th: sour cream 'n' bacon, sour cream 'n' onion chips

- july 12th: more licorice, pasta with minor subs (2)

- july 13th: jalapeno cheddar chips, pasta with minor subs (3)

- july 14th: 10 baby cookies, pasta with minor subs (4)

- july 15th: i ate most of the 14th pasta on the 15th and followed it with the remaining baby cookies (which are actually french butter cookies, not baby cookies. they look like baby cookies). i did not make pasta for the 15th.

- july 16th:.  pasta with minor subs (5)

- july 17th:  pasta with minor subs (6)

- july 18th (on the 19th):  pasta with minor subs (7)

- july 19th (on the 20th): cereal (one bowl of vector and all bran with paprika, flax, nutritional yeast, hemp seeds and soy, as per my normal diet and one bowl of instant oatmeal with a little real milk and an apple)

- july 20th (on the 21st): pasta with minor subs (8)

- july 21st (on the 22nd): pasta with minor subs (9)

- july 22nd: cereal day 2 in cycle 2 (final cycle 2 cereal day): one bowl of vector and all bran with paprika, flax, nutritional yeast, hemp seeds and soy, as per my normal diet and one bowl of instant oatmeal with a little real milk and two apples, one in the oatmeal and one standalone.

- july 23rd: cereal day 1 in cycle 3

- july 24: pasta with minor subs (10)

- july 25: cereal day 2 in cycle 3, same as 22 and 23, with the addition of 6 mini apple sauce containers.

- july 26: pasta with minor subs (11)

- july 27th - guac with white rice and canned corn. two pieces of white broad with plum better.

- july 28th: pasta with minor subs (12)

- july 29th: guac with white rice and canned corn. two pieces of white toast with olive oil margarine, and then two pieces of white bread with plum butter after. four more pieces of white bread, with plum butter and strawberry jam. 

- july 30th: pasta with minor subs (13), including fried chicken for salami.

- july 31st: a larger piece of fried chicken alone. pasta with minor subs (14), including a mix of buffalo and chicken for salami. six pieces of white bread for peanut butter and strawberry jam.

- aug 1st: four pieces of white bread and the rest of the peanut butter. quinoa without subs (on aug 3rd).

- aug 2nd: four marshmallows, two bananas and a chocolate bar. quinoa without subs (on aug 3rd).

- aug 3rd: pasta with minor subs (14), including the buffalo/chicken mix for salami (on aug 4th).

sounds like somebody needed horse blood for a ritual.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/hamilton/horse-killed-welland-1.7599783

i am again using my blog as a word processor.

i recently woke up and experienced the effects of being drugged on thursday, july 31. i believe i was drugged over the last weekend. there were a few events that i documented with police, including waking up with my scrotum apparently having been swabbed, which i've experienced before.

i want to be clear that police have asked me for these results several times over several years. i'm empirically driven and have understood why, but was unable to get them until now. now that i have the results, and they uphold my claims, they won't accept them. it's both curious and suspicious and if this is a block being erected in front of me on my path to bringing these criminals to justice, i'm going to need to ram through it as necessary. i have no choice but to be as aggressive as possible.

i received my second blood test results, and they are clearly demonstrating my concerns are valid. the first test picked up secondary markers, and was taken too late after being drugged to catch direct markers. the second test was still a day late but picked up direct markers that are more or less exactly what i was expecting. unfortunately.

i actually hoped to prove myself wrong. i've instead proven myself right.

next time, i will go on the day of being drugged. i expect it will capture the very high testosterone result i've been expecting to catch for months.

i doubled up on the t-blockers before i went to bed tonight and am feeling better. i may need to get in the habit of taking t-blockers before i go to sleep in order to block their "therapy".

i need to be clear: i have no testicles. testosterone is not created by magic pixies swimming in your blood, waiving a wand. if you don't have balls, you don't have testosterone. it's that simple.

(unless, maybe, you have cancer. i can and should rule that out, but it's remote, given all of the other tests i've been doing. if i do happen to have cancer, that doesn't explain the conversations i've had with my harassers, who are real enough to talk to me on a regular basis.)

there is no way for my body to manufacture it's own testosterone in any substantive quantity. if the test picks testosterone spikes up, i am necessarily being drugged. my body cannot make it. and you don't eat it in food, you have to make it.

the following results are atypical of my blood chemistry and indicate i'm being drugged with male hormones against my will. 

RBC COUNT 4.42 3.7 - 5 X E12/L  (higher than normal, suggests elevated testosterone)

HEMOGLOBIN 142 115 - 150 g/L   (higher than normal, suggests elevated testosterone)

CORTISOL LATE DAY 231 nmol/L  (this is very high. it should be less than 100.)

TESTOSTERONE 1.1 0 - 1.8 nmol/L  (i never, ever, ever test higher than 0.5. this is catching it on the way out, after having already hiked my hemoglobin. i'm sure it would have been higher the day before. try #3 will react to this.)

URINE CREATININE Above 22.02 5 - 16 mmol/L (not as high, still high)

URINE ALBUMIN Above 43 0 - 20 mg/L  (still high)

GFR - 78 for female, about 105 for male. as stated previously, there's no obvious way to calculate this. 

creatinine in urine suggests a loss in muscle mass. where is this muscle mass coming from?

lest anybody question the point, i'll clarify that i am taking my meds:

PROGESTERONE 73.8 nmol/L

ESTRADIOL 794 pmol/L

PROLACTIN 54.38 ug/L

those are levels consistent with pregnant women. they're quite high, actually. higher than usual.

further, suppressed fsh and lh indicate i'm not producing my own testosterone. if i were generating my own testosterone, these results would be much higher:

FSH 0.3 IU/L

LH <0.2 IU/L

these results indicate that 

1) my testosterone is much higher than normal, both directly and indirectly

2) that testosterone was introduced and not generated, which was obvious anyways, because i'm castrated.

i was not able to find a lab that would measure testosterone in urine that was open on aug 2nd. i haven't called lifelabs, who were closed, yet. this test might not be available in ontario. this was intended to be the key test. the implication is that it would be higher than would be expected, but i could not get it tested. i don't want to fabricate results.

the first result was a monday. this result was a saturday. the next result will need to be on a friday, and then i'll try on a thursday that i think i've been drugged. they always start harassing me on wednesdays or thursdays, after drugging me shortly before then.

this is step one, and it's the second of what i expect will be three or four tries to catch it. step two is getting the information to police and forcing them to react in a way that they clearly don't want to, but are going to have to in order to uphold the law, whether they like it or not. the police are going to be forced to make these arrests, eventually. i'm a victim of third degree rape, of stalking and of conversion therapy, and i want the perpetrators to be indicted for it. 

i understand that this is insane. you don't have to tell me this is insane; i'm the one living it. the evidence is unfolding as i expected it would and police need to react appropriately. it is correct to observe that this is insane, but it is what it is.

the mystery as to who is doing this has advanced somewhat.

in recent days, i've become aware of the possibility that it may be police that are drugging me. in truth, i've realized this as a possibility for a while. i have had conflict with the local muslim community because i've stood up for the values of secularism and because i don't care if they like my lifestyle choices or not. they have targeted me, and they are a powerful lobby group in this area, with substantial influence on city council and at city hall. they get what they want because they pay for it. if that is the case, as i believe it is, i'm going to need to get some kind of investigation launched, into the windsor police's infiltration by the local muslim cult groups, perhaps by the rcmp. there are a substantial number of muslim police officers in the windsor police force, and they treat me discernibly differently than officers of non-italian european ancestry do. it's a very noticeable difference; the white officers tend to take me seriously to the limited point that i've been able to advance my argument, are sympathetic and want to provide suggestions as to the evidence they need to form reasonable grounds while the muslim officers are overwhelmingly transphobic and consistently treat me like i'm some kind of pervert or sexual deviant that is getting what i deserve and should be arrested for resisting it. given the negative way that religions like islam treat any break from heteronormativity, i think it's important that the windsor police try to minimize contact between muslim police officers (who show up to work without grooming themselves, and are consequently hard to take seriously or respect) and both white and not white queer people, as there's a severe power imbalance that has the potential to lead to conservative muslim officers persecuting minorities in canada, as happens regularly in the muslim world, and which i presume nobody except them wants. i don't yet have an oiprd complaint to make, but i would request this be investigated by a white officer, and not by a muslim. the muslim officers can police their own, i guess, but i don't want to be oppressed by conservative muslim officers, as i'm pushing back against an attack on me by the right-wing muslim community and because islam is a religion and therefore a mind control cult like all other religions, i would expect muslim officers to prioritize their allegiance to their cult over their allegiance to secular law and the state, which is a problem that needs to be recognized and taken seriously. i might have to launch some kind of private prosecution, but i'm blocked by my inability to determine the identity of the stalkers. i need police to step in to figure out who they are.

i ran a title search on the land parcel, which cost me $40. it indicates no changes in land ownership have occurred since 2016. this rules out the hypothesis that the land was recently purchased by the previous owners, which was a reasonably good guess that the evidence didn't uphold, but that just makes the identity of the stalkers that much more mysterious. i know there's three people - a husky male that seems to be arabic, a person that is female-identifying and somebody that sounds like a younger male. they are currently spending a lot of time in the unit directly below me. i don't know if they are guests of the tenants or if the property management is in some way involved. it doesn't rule out the possibility that the female identifying voice is one of the previous owners, and the previous owners were clearly at least aware of what was going on in the previous space.

i am left with three hypothesis as to how i'm being drugged. one is that i'm being injected with something in my anus by somebody that is periodically getting in here somehow, and i do have a fair amount of circumstantial evidence upholding this. i keep going back to this because it's where the evidence is. the second is that somebody is drugging my food, and if that is the case they would require a key to enter the apartment or be able to get in through the window. i have noticed signs of tampering around the windows. i think this is actually the least likely. the third hypothesis is that i'm breathing something in and that this may be being masked by marijuana use in the building. i have noticed weird odours that give me brutal hemiplegic headaches with major auras for a long period of time, both here and in the previous apartment. i have actually documented this. while smoking or burning steroids would no doubt be an unusual route of administration, i want to point out that there are nasal testosterone sprays on the market and that nasal administration is consequently medically well-explored:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/testosterone-nasal-route/description/drg-20110174

i need to demonstrate i'm being drugged, first. i will need to figure out how and why after, and i'll need the cops to do that investigation. i actually don't know these answers with any clarity, and have only been able to come up with suggestions. based on what they've told me, the primary motivation is to apply their religious laws on me.

some of the recipients of this report have reacted by calling the police, which is absurd. i'm not breaking any laws by serving you with a document and suggestions that i am are legally incoherent and frivolous. however, given that the police are indicating that they do not want to properly investigate, and whether it is because they are involved or just due to a right-wing/conservative bias on the force, i'm actually left in the position where requesting police seek (and fail to obtain) a warrant is probably the fastest way i'm going to get this in front of a judge. i can't be intimidated by muslim police officers into not defending myself against an attack by the muslim community. i would consequently request that the police go ahead and put all of these emails in front of a judge, with the further request that the justice determine how best to launch an investigation into what is going on, and figure out the identity of my stalkers, who will not stop harassing me until they are arrested.

it should be blatantly obvious why muslim groups target the queer pride festival and seek to shut it down.

how are so many people so absurdly naive?

i don't identify as queer. i'm a heterosexual transgendered female. i don't have gay friends, and broadly don't like gay people.

however, it seems to me that if the queer pride movement is going to be discussing palestine at all, it ought to be drawing attention to the criminality of homosexuality in palestine. this is not a hamas thing, it's just as illegal to be gay in the west bank as it is in the gaza strip.

and people get severely punished for it. one of the punishments for "sodomy" in islamic law is being thrown off a building. it does happen.

i'm just constantly baffled by the ignorance. these people apparently don't even know that islamic law criminalizes homosexual behaviour. it's not even doublethink. it's just rank lack of understanding.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBTQ_rights_in_Palestine

https://nationalpost.com/news/a-dark-day-for-the-lgbtq-movement-montreal-pride-parade-organizers-bar-jewish-groups-from-march

if canada puts retaliatory tariffs on auto parts and construction materials (like steel and aluminum), it's just making a bad situation worse. it's dumb.

export taxes are a far better idea, to raise revenue.

i just ate the rest of the peanut butter and the rest of the white bread, in four slices, total.

the headache started a few hours ago, which i suspect means it's mostly run it's course.

i don't know what they imagine they're doing, but what they're actually doing is making me miserable and sick.

i avoided eating last night and tried to sleep it off today and it didn't make much of a difference. i've been defecating in small amounts all day and that has made a difference.

i must be breathing something in.

i will get tested soon. i just wanted to see if not eating made any difference over the course of a day, and it didn't.

this will wear off like all of the other times, but i need to get to the blood lab at the right time to get it.

it strikes me as more likely that epstein may have been killed, but motives may not be what is obvious to most.

https://globalnews.ca/news/11311278/jeffrey-epstein-jail-video-cbs-news-investigation/

you know who is going to love this is the chinese.

i'm pretty well read in history, and europe has had some crazy dictators, but the idea of firing the statistician is outside of the realm of what you expect from corrupt european despots and is rather very chinese.

https://www.cnn.com/business/live-news/trade-deadline-tariffs-trump-deals

i want to propose that canadians should revolt against these counter-tariffs and refuse to pay them.

throw the counter-tariffs in the bay of fundy. this is bullshit.

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c1w8jq88xzlo

i don't want to call it a priapasm, because it didn't quite work. in a binary, limp v erect, i was still limp. it never got air. but it lasted 15 hours, it made me exhausted and depressed and i was just unlimp enough and experiencing other symptoms enough to know it was chemical.

this is apparently a side effect of crack-cocaine use and may actually suggest i was breathing in second-hand crack cocaine from my neighbours. 

let me see how i feel over the next few hours.

this was a difficult day. the severely mentally ill religious freaks drugged me again. i was forced to sleep it off.

i have blood req #2 ready to go and i'll be out to get tested fairly soon. at least the headaches have stopped. what can i do but keep at it? as has been the case previously, the symptoms lifted when i defecated tonight, and seem to have been prolonged by the change in weather making me a little more constipated. i mean, it's nothing clinical, it's just a little slower; that seems to consistently be the factor. as soon as i shit it out, it's gone. it's almost as though somebody is sticking some kind of dissolving steroid in my ass, and the faster i shit it out, the less bad it is. what i need to do is actually catch it in the system or on the way out. i need to be able to say "look, somebody put these drugs in my body, here's proof", and then get to figuring out how they did it.

when the temperature came down last night, i decided to take a shower to wash my hair, with the plan to dye it today, but that's going to need to be put off again for a few more days. i microwaved a large piece of that frozen kfc chicken (it may have been a bucket put in a freezer bag) to eat with my meds, to start. i didn't get out of the shower until later, and didn't sit down to eat until 6:00. i fell asleep around 7:00, and they woke me up around 8:00.

it was different this time. when they have drugged me previously, they succeeded in making me erect for roughly five seconds before it dissipated. i am concluding that they drugged me with steroids on these occasions, as i am castrated and take t-blockers. this is an impossible event, unless somebody gave me enough steroids to overpower the t-blockers, at least for an hour, and replace the testosterone i can no longer produce on my own. these erections have been very short and very painful, but they have been actual erections. they've been a rush of hormones that instantly caves and have no stimulus and are not reflective of arousal or in any way sexual in nature. they really just last a few seconds and dissipate very fast, within ten seconds. a unpleasant and at times painful sensation will follow for a few hours, but i do not expect that these short experiences, as unpleasant as they are, would in any way suggest i'd be able to become erect on arousal (i voluntarily castrated myself. i don't want that to happen.), even for those five seconds. even after these events, i remained fully impotent and completely limp upon conscious awakeness, which is what i want.

what happened this morning was the opposite. i woke up around 8:00 to the need to urinate, completely limp, as i should be. there was no sign of drugging at the time. it was while i was urinating that i started to become erect and when i went back to bed that i realized something was off. this was the kind of 60% limp "erection" that you expect an impotent person to have. it never got air, but it started. i was not interested, and would never be interested, i was just tired and wanted to go back to sleep. i might have even ignored it, if it wasn't for that burning sensation. it hurt.

i ended up sitting in the shower for another hour, tried to sleep again for a few more hours, went back to sleep until around 14:00, woke up and took another shower, ate some pb & jam open bread slices and went back to sleep around 18:00. i woke up around midnight, still 30% erect and 60% limp, still no air, still disinterested. as mentioned, it was when i defecated that it passed. i feel better now.

this doesn't seem like it was steroids. it seems like somebody tried to drug me with viagra, and it wasn't enough to actually work. it was just enough to make me tired and depressed. 

food seems like a more obvious source than getting injected in my ass, even if the latter is where all of the evidence is, but that doesn't make sense to me. was something sitting in my large intestine and being absorbed, until i pushed it out? i didn't get a good look and maybe should have, but it was very much a beets poop. a beet is an ingredient in the pasta, in the guac and the quinoa, so i've been eating one beet every day for weeks. they're high in betaine, iron and b9.  i make an attempt to get a lot of betaine.

if they drugged my food, it's probably the hot sauce, and i need to catch it in the blood results, so i need to keep eating it. if they put something in my ass, i sent them an email threatening to withhold rent if it happens again.

i'm toying with the best response. do i get tested right away? if they drugged my ass, i should, but i'm having difficulty figuring out when. there was an even a few days ago where i woke up feeling swabbed, but it was humid out. if they put it in my food, it's going to get worse and i should wait until it peaks.

i need to think it through a bit over the next few hours.

i cooked the bison in a frying pan with olive oil, paprika, oregano, cayenne and cumin. the spices increased the weight back to 50 g. what i did, and what i'm going to do, is eat the 50 g of bison (raw) with a small 30 gram ish  piece of kfc chicken, and not double up like i said before.

- june 16th: doubled up salsa with chick peas, cheese, spices and vitamins.

- june 17th: onion soup bacon poutine

- june 18th: basic doritos nachos and french onon soup with bacon

- june 19th: doubled up salsa reprise

- june 20th: caesar salad without subs

- june 21st: 2nd onion soup poutine with onion soup and last chance salad

- june 22rd: 3rd onion soup poutine with onion soup with beets

- june 23rd: caesar salad without subs

- june 24th: caesar salad without subs

- june 25th: bacon and eggs without subs, no salsa

- june 26th: bacon and eggs without subs, no salsa

- june 27th: ad hoc pad thai

- june 28th: broccoli soup

- june 29th: fridge-clearing meal (oranges & garlic bread)

- june 30th: kd + chick peas + fridge clearing exercise

- july 1st:    kd + chick peas + fridge clearing exercise

- july 2nd:  kd + chick peas + fridge clearing exercise

- july 3rd:  10 packages of instant oatmeal, in 5 installments. spaghetti-os + spices & vitamins (cumin, cayenne, pepper, oregano, paprika, sunflower seed, hemp seed, nutritional yeast, frank's).

- july 4th:  a can of stew and a can of corn, plus spices & vitamins.

- july 5th: a package of jasmine rice i had put aside as a quinoa sub (it probably isn't), with a can of peas and a can of tomato soup, plus spices and vitamins.

- july 6th: a can of beans cooked in a can of vegetable soup, plus spices and vitamins.

- july 7th:  two cans of chicken noodle soup, plus spices and vitamins. tim's xl double-double coffee in morning. two builders protein mini bars in evening. 7-11 coffee with jalapeno taquito late at night.

- july 8th: food bank junk food eat through - two bags of "real vegetable chips" (one big, one small), a bag of goldfish crackers, one mini crispy crunch, some strawberry licorice, prime energy drink, two tim horton's donuts, little ceasar's pepperoni pizza with unlabelled chocolate milk product.

- july 9th: another prime energy drink with another unlabelled chocolate milk product, unlabelled food bank ginger bread (two loaves)

- july 10th: pasta with minor subs (1), third energy drink, sour cream n cheddar chips

- july 11th: sour cream 'n' bacon, sour cream 'n' onion chips

- july 12th: more licorice, pasta with minor subs (2)

- july 13th: jalapeno cheddar chips, pasta with minor subs (3)

- july 14th: 10 baby cookies, pasta with minor subs (4)

- july 15th: i ate most of the 14th pasta on the 15th and followed it with the remaining baby cookies (which are actually french butter cookies, not baby cookies. they look like baby cookies). i did not make pasta for the 15th.

- july 16th:.  pasta with minor subs (5)

- july 17th:  pasta with minor subs (6)

- july 18th (on the 19th):  pasta with minor subs (7)

- july 19th (on the 20th): cereal (one bowl of vector and all bran with paprika, flax, nutritional yeast, hemp seeds and soy, as per my normal diet and one bowl of instant oatmeal with a little real milk and an apple)

- july 20th (on the 21st): pasta with minor subs (8)

- july 21st (on the 22nd): pasta with minor subs (9)

- july 22nd: cereal day 2 in cycle 2 (final cycle 2 cereal day): one bowl of vector and all bran with paprika, flax, nutritional yeast, hemp seeds and soy, as per my normal diet and one bowl of instant oatmeal with a little real milk and two apples, one in the oatmeal and one standalone.

- july 23rd: cereal day 1 in cycle 3

- july 24: pasta with minor subs (10)

- july 25: cereal day 2 in cycle 3, same as 22 and 23, with the addition of 6 mini apple sauce containers.

- july 26: pasta with minor subs (11)

- july 27th - guac with white rice and canned corn. two pieces of white broad with plum better.

- july 28th: pasta with minor subs (12)

- july 29th: guac with white rice and canned corn. two pieces of white toast with olive oil margarine, and then two pieces of white bread with plum butter after. four more pieces of white bread, with plum butter and strawberry jam. 

- july 30th: pasta with minor subs (13), including fried chicken for salami.

- july 31st: a larger piece of fried chicken alone. pasta with minor subs (14), including a mix of buffalo and chicken for salami. six pieces of white bread for peanut butter and strawberry jam.

- aug 1st: will be quinoa with minor subs and some small adds.