i spent the entire evening last night struggling to stay awake, and decided a little after midnight to just stop and let myself sleep.

so, i got a good 12 hours of sleep in.

i don't know why i'm so tired...

i turned the fan off for a little while last night, and what i'm going to say is that i actually can't tell if the air quality in here has improved or not because the temperature is too low. all i can smell is the cold air coming up through the floors, which is gross enough in itself, and which i need to keep the fan running to mitigate for. if i turn off the fan, it's going to smell like a garage in here, which is a pretty disgusting thought. yuck.

if he would just turn the heat on to a normal level, so i'm not dealing with all of these cold drafts from everywhere......but, again, the guy seems to break a sweat at 22 degrees. i tend to prefer a sweater at 22-23 degrees. it's just a question of body weight - he probably weights twice as much as i do, through a combination of muscle and fat.

i've actually cut my diet in half over the last few months to prevent myself from gaining weight. when i said i wanted to gain weight, what i meant was that i wanted to grow tits (real ones. not fake silicone ones, which are gross.), not that i wanted to get fat. in the circumstances i'm in, i'd rather avoid eating altogether, because my body is just going to focus on trying to prevent me from being cold, and fuck that. i'd rather be cold than be fat.

so, i think i'm falling asleep because the cold air is shutting my metabolism down, and i'm refusing to eat. but, if that's the reality, then i'm going to sleep a lot, because i'm not putting on fat, and i don't want to waste my time doing aerobics to burn it off. obviously, the last thing i want to do is convert it into muscle.

i think what i'm learning is that if i'm going to live in somebody's basement then i want a female living upstairs, not a male. that might be the biggest lesson here - i can't deal with the kind of temperature and sanitation that men consider normal. i need a female to set the rules. i need warmth and cleanliness, and no male will ever provide for that.

so, i'm cold and i'm hungry and i'm tired and i'm going to force myself to suffer through it because i don't want to put on fat to warm up - i want somebody to turn the heat up.

so, am i awake? i don't know. i might not be. if i'm not, i guess i'll go back to sleep. but, i'm going to try to stay awake, and start the process i was doing over again from the start.

i also noticed that i lost my window with all of the tabs put aside for music review. it was 1000+ tabs of bandcamp links, facebook events, etc. it's just disappeared. it should all be in memory, so i could in theory reconstruct it, and i actually tried, but the way that firefox measures history means that you have to actually launch the site to get it to register, so that won't actually work well. i don't know what happened, but i'll have to go back through the history and pull it all out one by one and it's going to take a long time before i get around to it. i will eventually get to it...i'm sure of that....

it was going to be quite a while, as it was.

again: i don't know what happened, but it shouldn't actually stop me, it should just slow me down.

so, let's try to start the day today through a miserable haze of cold and hunger and exhaustion.

i can't promise i'll stay awake.