so, why don't i have sex?

ask around - i've had plenty of chances. but, i really haven't had sex since....i don't remember if it was 2004 or 2005. i don't think it was 2006. but, it's honestly been so long that i don't even remember when.

it's certainly been well over ten years.

what's with this? am i sexually repressed, or what?

well, for the longest time it just didn't make any sense. i didn't really know if i was attracted to women or not. i knew that my experiences with women were deeply unsatisfying for both myself and my partner because she expected me to behave in a male gender role and i simply didn't want to, and i knew that my experience with putting things inside of my anus had been unpleasant up to that point, so i didn't have a lot of interest in having sex with men. so, what that left me with was sex as a kind of functional impossibility. i didn't have the right equipment.

the truth is that i made a decision around 2007 or 2008 (i don't remember, exactly) that i would refrain from any sexual intercourse until i was post-operative. now, at the time, i didn't think i'd be sitting here ten years later with a penis in my victoria's secret underwear. but, anything or everything else aside, i've simply held to a decision to avoid sex. and, frankly, i fully intend to hold to that decision indefinitely, even if i never have that operation.

i would not know how to have sex "as a male". in that sense, i'm a virgin - i've never done that, and i don't want to learn how to do that. i would be absolutely clueless as to how to proceed. sorry.

over the years, i've answered the question: i'm not just not attracted to women on a sexual level (although i hold out an abstract possibility of a potential relationship on a purely emotional level), but i'm actually rather revolted by female sexuality. i think i've had the layers pulled back on it, and had it exposed as something that is very vulgar. years ago, i may have argued that i would no doubt be sexually active if i had the correct sex organs to enjoy sex the way i've always imagined it. today, i'm not willing to make that argument - if i were to wake up tomorrow with a vagina, i don't expect i'd have much interest in using it, anymore.

my interest in hormone therapy at this point is consequently less about increasing my estrogen levels and more about reducing my testosterone levels. i'm less about actively identifying myself as female, and more about actively rejecting myself as male. so, i probably wouldn't get particularly angry if you took away my estrogen - but i may become suicidal if you took away my testosterone suppressors, because i just don't want to deal with the annoyance. at all.