well, the term i would use is relapse. and, i'm not proud of it. so, if you want to interpret my behaviour, you need to begin from a starting point that is perhaps different than the one you are - i regret it; i wish it didn't happen. i'm ashamed of it, even. and, i'm now back to trying to avoid smoking as much as possible.
nicotine is a powerful physical addiction. while i've proven to myself that it is conquerable, as i always claimed it was, trying to downplay that or ignore it in analyzing the behaviour of people under it's influence is foolhardy.
i guess it started on saturday afternoon in amherstburg. i needed to null my aching muscles, so i bought the smallest amount of marijuana that i could. i smelled horribly when i got home, and was too tired to even shower when i got in. so, i contaminated everything - my clothes, my jacket, my bed. i woke up in a haze on sunday morning and knew i was going to have to go back out in the pollution to shop.
i decided when i was out shopping that it didn't matter at just that minute, that i smelled so bad anyways that i'd might as well. further, i was experimenting with edibles and nicking as a result of it. through the course of the day, i ended up bumming something like 5 cigarettes.
again: i wish i hadn't done that. that was a mistake.
but, it doesn't reflect on my broader desire to avoid smoking, it merely reflects on the difficulty of quitting. it's not hypocritical to struggle and fail - it's just failure, not hypocrisy. nothing's changed, except a mistake i made, that i regret.
it was the same thing over the summer. you can take a look back through my comments, and it's clear that i wish that that binge never happened. i've stated as much clearly. i nearly started smoking cigarettes again...i'm glad i caught myself before it was too late...
so, try to take this from the right perspective: i'm a recovering nicotine addict and a broadly straight-edge person. i have exceedingly negative views of smoking of any kind and, while i may make mistakes from time to time, i need to have it kept out of my living space if i'm to conquer it, permanently. so, i get very mad when people smoke near my living space, because i want to be rid of it, even if i have difficulty with it sometimes.
i want it away from me, and that is a sincere desire.
right now, it's stuffy in here, and all i can do is try to clean and wait for my sense of smell to get back to 100%.