so, i got a few tests done and here's my update...

these tests were skipped, for now:

- vitamin e

- vitamin k

- selenium

- molybdenum

- manganese

- iodine

these tests are pending at lifelabs:

- vitamin c

- asca   <---crohn's

- mercury

these tests are pending from dynacare:

- pyruvate

- gastrin  <---stomach ulcers

- copper serum

these tests need to be done at dynacare because only they offer them, although i'd rather they were done at lifelabs because they have a free reporting system:

- glutathione  <----- windsor site does not collect

- balp  (not yet ordered)

this test requires a 12 hour fast:

- amino acid fractionation 

this test is covered by ohip but is not offered anywhere in the region:

- serum oxalate

this test is only available in a california lab:

-hepcidin

these tests are yet to be requested, but are covered:

- pth  

- calcitonin

- cortisol

i will need to pay for these tests out of pocket next weekish:

- celiac ($90 at dynacare)

- cea  ($36 at lifelabs)

- p-anca  + c-anca ($70 at lifelabs)

- psa: ($35 at lifelabs )

- another fit test ($59 at dynacare only)

- osteocalcin  ($65 at lifelabs)  <----double check, info from med labs

- igf-1 ($70 at dynacare) <-----double check, info from med labs

(this post is dated to june 4, 2021 because it describes events over that day. however, it was written on june 11, 2021)

so, i headed out on the friday afternoon with the intent of doing two simple things. first, i needed to get a series of blood tests at the lab that did the fit test (because the other tests didn’t offer them), as well as pick up a second fit test when i was there. second, i needed to get another tarp for the back area on the other side. easy, right? lol. no, nothing’s easy in doug ford’s locked down ontario!

first stop was the superstore to pick up a cheap bottle of vitamin d, because why not? it’s sufficient, but lowish. 1000 iu could’t hurt, right? and, for $5, why not? unfortunately, it took upwards of 45 minutes to get through the line up because the cashiers were forced to do performance art in between customers – they didn’t actually have to dance, but the utterly pointless wiping and sanitizing turned what should have been a five minute purchase into a lengthy experience.

i barely made it to the doctor’s office next door before they closed to pick up the requisition.

then, it was to the blood lab and they couldn’t figure it out – the tests i asked for are apparently a little uncommon. the web site says they do iodine, but the iodine they do is different than the iodine that is covered (which should be illegal). the website says they do glutathione, but not at that location, apparently (and why not?). i was instructed to call in, and may need to get to london. but, i can’t bicycle to london...

the trip wasn’t entirely pointless, because i did get the pyruvate, and nobody else does it. they also did copper & gastrin (but they should have told me to fast, so i’m going to redo it with the fractionation). and, of course, i got fit test #2, as well.

unfortunately, it took so long that, by the time i got to the dollar store that is literally next door, they were refusing entry to further customers. there was once again a line-up of people outside the door. if i was the regio nal manager and i saw that, i’d have fired the idiots on the spot – but this is drone labour, and that’s what you get from it, kids that just want to clock out and go get drunk.

i tried the walmart in the strip mall, but they were $30, as feared.

so, i went on another journey across town (and struggling against absolutely vicious winds) to try to find a tarp, and it was just as hopeless as the previous – six tries later and i still had no tarp. i had to wait until the morning...

but, it was some more cardio, which is what bicycling is good for. i’m obviously not trying to build muscle, but i need to be concerned about my heart and also now need to be concerned about not breaking bones. i’ll never turn a bike ride down, for that reason. but, i like it to be more productive than this one was, too....

btw, now that i have osteopenia, you can't call me hard-headed any more - it's demonstrably, empirically false.

you know, i thought i had a few extra dollars this month, but at some point i decided that 203-30 = 273, and in the process overbudgeted by $100. oops.

so, my plan to get things done today has been foiled - i needed around $75, thought i had $115, and only have $15.

i have $60 coming in on the 10th, and quite a few more coming in some time soonish.

i just want to write this down because it's getting convoluted.

so, i got access to all of my old tests done through lifelabs and...

-vitamin a is 3.2 which is highish. great.

my colon is just fine, guys.

these tests were skipped, for now:

- vitamin e

- vitamin k

- selenium

- molybdenum

- manganese

these tests are pending at lifelabs:

- vitamin c

- asca

- mercury

these tests need to be done at dynacare because only they offer them, although i'd rather they were done at lifelabs because they have a free reporting system:

- glutathione

- pyruvate

- serum iodine

- balp  (not yet ordered)

i can also do these tests tonight while i'm at dynacare:

- gastrin

- copper serum

this test requires a 12 hour fast:

- amino acid fractionation 

this test is covered by ohip but is not offered anywhere in the region:

- serum oxalate

this test is only available in a california lab:

-hepcidin

these tests are yet to be requested, but are covered:

- pth  

- calcitonin

- cortisol

i will need to pay for these tests out of pocket next weekish:

- celiac ($90 at dynacare)

- cea  ($36 at lifelabs)

- p-anca  + c-anca ($70 at lifelabs)

- psa: ($35 at lifelabs )

- another fit test ($59 at dynacare only)

- osteocalcin  ($65 at lifelabs)  <----double check, info from med labs

- igf-1 ($70 at dynacare) <-----double check, info from med labs

ok, so i've got the machine installed, finally. i still have some filing to do, though.

i need a nap...

hrmmn.

https://endocrinenews.endocrine.org/childhood-exposure-to-passive-smoking-linked-to-impaired-bone-health-in-adulthood/

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/06/060605173942.htm

https://www.webmd.com/osteoporosis/features/smoking-cigarettes

whether this health scare turns out to be substantive or not, i need to get back to recording, so i'm putting everything else on hold until the machine comes up.

today's post is inri064, and is the first for a number of things - it's the first trivial group release, the first 2003 release and the first fully post-rabit release. it's also the first sarah-era release; even when she's not the subject of the songs, she's kind of ubiquitous in my life for the next few years. if 2001 was mostly about writing scored music (jjjjjjjjjjjjjjj) and 2002 saw me pull away from that to focus on something vaguely approaching rock-era music (rabit is wolf) or spinning out into something much more chaotic and noisy (ftaa), the trivial group was about pulling that all back together into a single thing, as abstract rock compositions that wander all over the place. so, whereas compositions over 2001-2002 tended to focus on specific ideas in disparate genres, trivial group compositions tend to focus on multiple genres within a specific track. a new noise project eventually develops (called cycles per second), but it's really intended to be outside the realm of traditional music, in any remote sense; virtually everything else ends up as trivial group, now, from the start of 2003 to the end of 2006, when the project starts to close itself down, as i start to look beyond it's instrumental constraints.

so, that's the setup for period 3 - anything resembling music is folded into a single project called the trivial group, whereas purely mathematical sound art experiments are split off to cycles per second

the trivial group is a kind of math joke - there is only one group with one member. i toyed with crediting all sound to i or e but in the end decided j was good enough, if somewhat nonstandard. it's not even a map, it's just a substitution. my obsession with scientific themes starts to turn over a little, and specifically starts to lean into abstract mathematics, instead. it's just a function of where my head was at, otherwise.

for now, this is actually a bit of a ways from that. i'll be honest - i look back at this and laugh at myself for it. but, it's a document of what i was feeling, and it's entirely real, as laughable as that seems, now. 

my dad had a friend with a phd in chemistry for a while; he was actually the father of one of my sister's friends, and they hit it off in a pta meeting or something. this guy hit the jackpot in the bre-x fiasco by buying it as a penny stock and having it balloon to many times it's worth and ended up a multimillionaire out of it - which meant he was the most bourgeois motherfucker you've ever met. he just sat and home and drank wine all day, until he ran out of money and ended up teaching at algonquin. and, you can imagine the resentment from his kids, right? raised filthy rich and then - sorry! just kidding!

anyways, he was often stumbling around the house, and took some interest in me due to the fact that i was in a science program (or science-y program after i switched to math). and, he used to always warn me that i'd lose a semester due to falling in love. 

it was something like that, anyways - even if it was utter nonsense, and utter delusion. but, isn't it always, in hindsight? truly?

i don't know if i'm better off, to avoid the cliche directly. i guess it doesn't matter, does it?

but, everything about me starts to change here, from my disposition to my vocals to my guitar style. and, the dominant underlying factor is, in fact, sarah.

no apologies to the butthole surfers; only the slightest condolences to paul mccartney.

=====

this was constructed as a christmas present for my partner, while in a rather absurd state of entirely preposterous euphoria. only a musician can be so absurdly invested in something so thoroughly delusional - or manage to create something so entirely self-reflective out of a theme surrounding somebody else. 

the first part of this was shelved before it was ever released. i was over-exaggerating a sense of self-consciousness, but it still strikes me as unworkable. however, i think it's conceptually important in the idea of this as a christmas present and has consequently been uploaded here without modification. the second part was actually presented to sarah as a present, albeit a little after christmas - hence the jan 1 release date. it eventually found it's way to the center of my eighth symphony, reflections (inri074). 

these tracks were written and recorded over november and december of 2002 and uploaded, unmodified, in may of 2015. released on may 2, 2015. re-released on physical media and finalized on nov 24, 2017. as always, please use headphones. 

the second track appears as a component on my ninth record, {e} (inri08x): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/e 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (2002, 2003, 2015, 2017).

released january 1, 2003 

j - guitar, effects, bass, synth, piano, drum programming, light-sound synthesis (coagula), generative programming (sounder), granular synthesis, sound design, digital wave editing, production, composition

fwiw, my stool has been changing since i switched the pasta bowl up - it's gone from being mushy (perhaps due to too much fibre) to coming out in more of a chunky manner, but i was perhaps a little bit concerned about the lack of logs. i mean, that's a symptom of an obstruction, right?

but, that was a nice big fat log there just right now, indicating that i've pushed anything out if it was in there.

and, that is, after all, the actual reason that a high fibre diet is so recommended - to ensure you're clearing your colon out on a regular basis.

i went checking to see if osteopenia is actually sufficient for permanent odsp status (i mean, are you going to go out there and tell me to do grunt work? i could break my spine.), and it turns out that i could be eligible for upwards of $200/month in dietary allowances if i get diagnosed with colitis and celiac.

so, there could be a return on this.

you'd think somebody else in my family would have been diagnosed with celiac by now, unless my mother has some 'splainin to do. i mean, i think everybody sort of suspected the point all along - i might vaguely be of sort of the same ethnicity as my father, but there's lots of very weird differences. like, body hair, for example - my father was a man ape, and i've never so much as sprouted a single hair between my belly button and my adam's apple. and, the men on my mom's side are hairy, too. it's a jarring difference that i've always found unsettling.

so, if i end up celiac, against all the evidence, i'm going to be up against a kind of jarring fact that nobody else on either side of the family has it. so, how did that happen, exactly?

unless i was switched at birth, i can be pretty sure about who my mother was. my father, on the other hand...

listen - i used to study royal genealogies. i've actually looked into this. it probably wouldn't surprise you to learn that people end up raised by people they call their fathers that aren't actually their fathers, but the numbers are startling.

what do you guess the percent is? 2%? 5%?

it's actually thought to be more in the range of 30-40%.

so, is your dad really your dad? fact is you can more or less flip a coin. women are sneaky sluts, it's just how it is. and, we live in a reality where financial stability and biological fitness are almost at cross-purposes to one another, too.

i mean, i'm not mad about it if it's true. if anything, it's probably good news, given how bad my dad's genes are, and how short the average lifespan on that side is. but, it would be very useful to know, for health purposes.

so, if that celiac test comes back positive, it's going to open a can of worms, let's just say.

the flip side of it is that my dad did have colitis. wellll....i think a diagnosis of colitis back in the 90s is probably a dubious thing, in truth. there was something going on in there, but he ate a lot of oregano, too. he wouldn't do what i'm doing - he'd take the doctor at face value. so, they supposedly told him that, but who knows...

but, maybe there's an upside to osteoporosis, if it ensures i don't have to go through another review, and even gets me into support at the federal level.

should i have known better than this?

well, if there's a problem, it's insufficient estrogen, and i...i tried. hard.

i can't buy it.

they wouldn't overprescribe.

so, i mean, what do i do? i could detransition, but i'd be so depressed i'd want to kill myself, anyways. i mean, that's a fucking shitty choice to force a person to make, and i'm almost willing to kill myself out of spite if the government is going to take that kind of a pissy position with me.

at this point, it doesn't matter - detransitioning won't help anyways, and i need estrogen therapy, regardless.

so, i mean here's your great outcome as a result of your bullshit incentive system and your pseudo-intellectual freudian bullshit - i've got osteoporosis. 

you assholes.

the way i feel right now is anxious and weird, but i've felt like this before and i know it lifts with some sleep.

i don't want to draw conclusions.

i mean, if i had gone for a five hour bike ride without stopping last month and come back feeling sore, i would have decided i was a little out of shape. i simply don't know how much has changed over the last few months regarding my bone density, and i shouldn't give into hysteria, however easy it is.

i need to make some calls tomorrow and ask for some tests, and only react further when i actually get the results.

but, yeah - i'm kinda scared. or something. i dunno. but, i think it's understandable.

today's post is the "box set" dvd compilation for the 6th record.

=============

purchasing this release comes with the immediate download of the release that you linked to it off of. be sure you make the right choice. 

inri048: written in the summer of 2001. remembered over july, 2014. completed august-september, 2014. released sept 24, 2014. expanded, finalized and re-released on oct 16, 2017 

inri054: recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. track 6 was constructed in may, 2004 out of files recorded 1999-2001. tracks 1-4 were reconstructed over october, 2014. final mixes were finished on october 18, 2014. released on oct 21, 2014. disc closed on oct 30, 2017. 

inri055: written in early 2002 and recorded and mixed in early 2002 and late 2014. released on nov 15, 2014. expanded, re-released & finalized on nov 1, 2017. 

inri056: written & recorded in late 2001 and early 2002 and mixed in early 2002 and late 2014. released on nov 19, 2014. expanded, re-released and finalized on nov 2, 2017. 

inri061: written over the summer of 2002 and initially recorded in the early fall of 2002. additional writing, arranging, recording, production and mixing occurred from dec, 2014 to apr, 2015. released as a two volume set on april 27, 2015. this release was expanded to include a third disc on nov 17, 2017 and filled in with eight new remixes over the next few days. re-released as a slightly rearranged three volume set and finalized on nov 19, 2017. 

inri062: this track was written in late 2002 and completed over april and may, 2015. released may 11, 2015. disc finalized on nov 20, 2017. 

inri063: these tracks are all based on existing demos from 2001-2002 that were initially intended to be completed with vocal parts and were remixed from july, 2014 to may, 2015 as purely instrumental recordings. released may 2, 2015. disc finalized as lp014 on nov 21, 2017. this is my sixth official record. 

originally created from 2001-2002. this compilation is dated to dec 2, 2002. slowly remastered, reconstituted, compiled, reconstructed, released and finalized from 2014-2017. compilation finalized on nov 22, 2017. as always, please use headphones. 

released december 2, 2002 

j - guitars (electric, acoustic, nylon), electric bass, electric mandolin, orchestral & other sequencing, synthesizers, drum & melodic programming, electric air reed organ, digital piano, flute, regular drum kit, electronic drum kit, sampling, digital and analog effects processing, digital wave editing, sound design, soundscaping, loops, granular synthesis, noise generators, equalization, vocals, vocoders, drum & vocal manipulations, production 

sean - vocals (inri048, inri054-inri056, inri061), harmonica (inri054, inri063), vocal concept (inri062) 

jon - guitar (inri048) 

greg - drum performance sample source (inri056, inri063) 

the various rendered electronic orchestras include acoustic bass, synth bass, electric bass, brass, tuba, french horn, trombone, trumpet, english horn, saxophone, flute, clarinet, oboe, piccolo, bassoon, orchestra hit, drum machine, electronic drum kit, nylon guitar, electric guitar (distorted & clean), acoustic guitar, synthesizer, synthesizer effects, music box, harp, koto, piano, glockenspiel, vibraphone, hammered percussion, bells, tubular bells, agogo, wood blocks, marimba, melodic toms, timpani, taiko drum, backwards cymbals, synth drums, orchestral drum set, mellotron, violin, viola, cello, contrabass and various full string sections. there is also choir.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj-2-box-set

mortality is a shitty deal.

i'm not going to pretend i'm just figuring that out.

but, if i'm dying then i'd better hurry the fuck up, eh?

let me put this all in one place in case there are questions about it, and i'm going to do it running backwards from the order of last modification.

when was the last time i altered these releases?

early 2018:

inri068 & inri069: constructed over late 2017 and early 2018 from tracks finished over 2014-2015 and written over 1996-2003.

late 2017:

inri026, inri031, inri034: remixed from orphaned demos from 1999

inri030, inri038: constructed from mixes done over 2015/2016.

inri042: constructed from 2017 mixes of 1999/2000 material

inri043, inri044, inri047, inri050: rebuilt from midi over 2014 by adding extra recorded parts, final mixes added over late 2017.

inri048: recorded more or less from scratch over late 2014. extra mixes from 2014 source added over late 2017.

inri055, inri056, inri058, inri061: demos from 2001/2002 were completed over late 2014 by adding extra recorded parts. extra mixes added in late 2017.

inri065: midi file completed in may, 2015 by transcribing demos from early 2003, which was then used to build multiple extra remixes. last mixes complete in late 2017.

inri071, inri072, inri073: compilation from 2015 of tracks completed by that date, but updated in late 2017 with more appropriate alternate mixes

inri074: initial version from 2003 was stripped of samples in late 2017 and added as a hidden track. will also appear that way on trivial group 2xlp.

over 2016:

inri004-inri015 & inri017-inri022 & inri024-inri025: this is the proper inri/inriched release cycle. remastered, with much difficulty due to interference from some unclear source, over the summer and fall of 2015, and finally remastered and rebuilt with many stops and starts over the course of 2016. the first singles were finalized in january, 2016 and the last comp was finalized in december, 2016. minimal midi parts and one new vocal part were added in this time frame, as well.

late 2015:

inri066: all ry30, soundblaster sequences and jx8p tracks from the late 90s or early 00s. some added sequencing and production work from late 2015.

early 2015:

inri035: mix tape constructed from material recorded 1996-1999.

inri046: lead mix finished in 2006 from files written in 2001. extra mixes added in 2015.

inri049: a new ambient mix was created in may, 2015. all other files are unaltered from late 2002.

inri062: new recorded vocal mix added to demo from 2002 in may, 2015. all other mixes from 2002/2003.

inri063: 6th lp. final version compiled from material remastered and finished over 2014/2015.

inri070: soundblaster & vst renders of material written before 2003, as output between 2014-2015.

late 2014:

inri052: 5th lp. final version compiled from material remastered and finished over 2014.

inri054: remixed, remastered and completed over late 2014. demos from 2001/2002.

inri059: constructed in late 2014 from disconnect parts recorded in mid 2002

inri060: remixed from existing tracks from 2002

inri079: imminent release, hopefully in 2021. but, all tracks for this release were done by late 2014.

early 2014:

inri041: 4th lp. final sample-less version remixed and compiled from existing source material from 1999/2000

late 2013:

inri000-inri001: remastered late 2013. otherwise unaltered from 1996/1997.

inri002: mix tape compiled in 2013, from source material from inri000-inri001.

2003-2013: black hole to be filled in.

2004

inri078 - demo tape from 2004, released as is in 2019

2003

inri075, inri076, inri077: unfinished demos from 2003 as of now.

2002:

inri053: released in 2014 and again in 2017 from unaltered 2002 files.

inri057: released in 2014 from unaltered demos from 2002.

inri064: released in 2015 from unaltered demos from 2002.

inri067: releases in 2017 from unaltered demos done from 1999-2002.

2001:

inri045: files from 2001 were released unaltered in early 2014, and project was closed down due to mysterious disappearance of sheet music attached to it

inri051: released, unaltered, in late 2014

2000:

inri036, inri037, inri039, inri040: compiled and released from existing recordings in early 2013

1999

inri027-inri028: released as is in late 2013

inri029: released as is in late 2013 and expanded with alternate version from same time period in late 2017

inri032: appended to in early 2014 with existing mixes from the time period, but not otherwise altered since.

inri033: 3rd lp. last trick split off in early 2014, otherwise unmodified

1998

inri016: released as is in late 2013

inri023: compiled from remixes created over 1998 in 2013 and expanded in late 2016

1997

inri003: compiled in 2013, but files unaltered from 1997.

this machine should be installed by the end of the night...

now, could all of those salicylates - from oregano, from basil, from thyme, from cumin, from tomatoes, from red peppers from broccoli, from raspberries, from strawberries, from guava, from avocado, from paprika - create bleeding in the stomach?

well, daily aspirin might.

so, there's some logic to it. this might be the cause of the mystery.

i'll ask the stomach specialist.

fwiw, i got my salicylates results, even as i'm still waiting for the others. i should get the c and mercury soonish, whereas the asca could take a while. and, i need to call the lab about the vitamin a, which appears to have been lost.

the result is .36 mmol/l, which converts to 5 mg/dl, and is considered to be low for somebody taking aspirin in a serious dose for something like arthritis (which is what the test is designed for. so, it says i'm low because it's low for an arthritis patient on rx strength aspirin), but about on par with somebody taking something like a half an aspirin as a daily blood thinner. so, if you want the effects of aspirin without actually taking aspirin, try a diet high in fruits and spices - it's not hyperbole, i just measured it.

what i was doing yesterday was trying to finish a rough install of the recording pc, before i finished up a number of notes regarding the gear i used in the various places i've lived, with the intent to build emulators out of all of it. i've currently got 3 sticks in the machine and it unfortunately did something when i turned my back that i didn't catch.

so, we're starting the install from scratch, and we're iffy on that third stick...

i was going to do some running around today, but i clearly got distracted. i'm going to make some eggs and get ready for a big day tomorrow, instead.

it'll be nice and warm, at least - nice, hot weekend coming up.

so, i'm going to scratch the fluoride thing off. 

you need to take it in very large dosages, which means you need to swallow it in these capsules that evade your stomach, and dissolve in your intestines. if anything goes wrong in that process, you're going to end up with a nasty ulcer.

then, you can probably increase the density of your bones with fluorapatite, but it's not clear that you're going to strengthen them. that's fine with your teeth, which are going to fall out eventually anyways, but not really fine with your hips, which you only get one shot at - and are done if they ever fail.

...and, even that only works if you get it early enough.

the newer medication is covered. i should focus on that, instead.

and, hey, it might just help with my teeth, too:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3782984/

ok.

almost ready to call.

i just wanted to make sure that teriparatide isn't an androgen. and it seems like it isn't.

great.  

so, i want to double check a few things, but right now i'm looking at:

- vitamin d

- estrogen injections

- teriparatide (+denosumab?)

i my run into pushback because i'm not technicaly over that -2.5 limit, but i'm 40 fucking years old. i shouldn't be anywhere close to it. and, i shouldn't be managing osteopenia, at my age.

teriparatide is covered.

hrmmn.

i started writing this last night and passed out - in fact for quite a long sleep. 

so, i've now slept on it.

thinking back, i think i've had longstanding skeletal concerns for many years. my diet is about as good as i can make it, i've always had a high calcium diet and i've been cognizant of d for roughly the last five years, but i remember walking to get groceries and feeling like my legs were going to snap, as long as 15 years ago. 

the reality is that i grew up in a heavy second-hand smoke environment, which is the single greatest risk factor for developing osteoporosis later in life. and, i smoked, myself, off and on, but nonetheless, for about 15 years, as well. i've also been known to eat every two or three days for weeks at a time.

so, i can't really jump to conclusions regarding this switch to generic estrogen, because i don't have the baseline. further, the last dentist i saw was adamant that the recession was not recent. it's also worth noting that my alp numbers were normal, although i should ask about pth and also about osteocalcin. together, these can help me understand if the bone loss is recent and ongoing or the result of growing up in a second-hand smoke environment, of smoking as an adult, of a poor diet years ago or perhaps even as a result of malnutrition as a child.

i should behave like it's the cause, regardless, though, and treat myself as though it is.

so, should i take vitamin d, then?

well, if i was concerned about normal dietary consumption, i'd say "no". i should get enough...

but, what i want to do right now is bombard my bones with as much d as i can take...it's ideally temporary, and it might not work at all, but i sort of have to try.

and, if these tests for colitis and etc come back positive, i could be experiencing some difficulties absorbing it and need the extra supplements. right now, it seems ok, but...

so, i asked my doctor to fax an rx to the pharmacy for d and i'll pick that up tomorrow. but, i'm looking through the formulary and just flat out cholecalciferol isn't there. it seems like i want this:

ALENDRONATE & CHOLECALCIFEROL Apo-Alendronate/Vitamin D3 70mg & 140mcg Tab

....which is covered. at least for now. but, the side effects of the alendronate look vicious. like....it might work to prevent bone loss, but you're going to severely damage yourself in the process. and, the fact that they'd use such a disruptive medicine suggests it's the best we've got.

looking into this, there's some chance that the osteoporosis is a symptom of some other type of cancer, like breast or lung cancer - or blood or bone cancer. i want to at least clear that before i start taking crazy meds like that.

the other option is 8000 iu/l of vitamin d2, which is too much.

so, i may need some back and forth on that. but, it looks like 1000 iu/l of d3 is less than $10 and that's probably an easy, fast first step.

and, calcium?

calcium seems to be less effective, and i think i'm doing ok. while the d came in "lowish" but normal, the calcium was actually pretty high. and, high calcium apparently creates heart problems and just ends up as kidney stones, in the end. if they insist, fine, but...

(high calcium serum levels could also be evidence of bone loss more than evidence of sufficient absorption, though)

i'm also going to contact the endocrinologist directly and ask him about immediate injections. there's another medication called calcitonin that is covered and seems to have less vicious side effects than the alendronate but you have to inject it. it also seems to be estrogen based. so, what's the best approach here - estrogen injections or calcitonin?

and, i should go back to walking to the store rather than biking...

the thing is that all of these approaches can only try to stop loss. none of them can reverse anything. and, these numbers are terrible - i need some way to reverse it.

one thing that may increase bmd is fluoride pills, but you apparently have to get to it early in order to make a difference. am i early enough? well, it's osteopenia and not osteoporosis, so probably. there's also some suggestion that messing with your thyroid hormones might help, as they seem to be directly responsible for calcium metabolism. but, the only really serious way to do this is probably via gene editing, and, once again, i'm stuck waiting and hoping we get there.

so, i should test for the following hormones and markers to try to grasp whether the loss is ongoing or historical:

- pth

- calcitonin

- oseteocalcin

- igf-1

- cortisol

- balp

ok.

i should be something like -0.5, not -1.9.

-1.9 is more on par with somebody in their 80s.

so, what do i do about this?

ok.

so, the bmd numbers are standard deviations from the average density of a healthy 30 year-old.

i'm not 30 years old, and some bone loss is inevitable. so, i should be some distance away from the mean, at 40 years old.

what are "normal" bmd numbers for a 40 year old?

the good news is that the fit test was negative.

the bad news was that the bmd was terrible. -1.9. that's technically osteopenia, but practically osteoporosis.

i'm 40 years old.

over the last several years, i have gone through incredible lengths to try to get my testicles removed, to try to increase my testosterone suppression and to ensure that i'm getting usable, absorbable estrogen. the system has blocked me every step of the way...

and, now i have osteoporosis.

it is probably not a coincidence that my teeth started eating away at the same time that i went back down to 100 mg/day of cyproterone. and, while i don't have the ability to prove it, i'm entirely convinced that the declining estrogen is also at the root of the iron absorption problems.

i need to sleep on this.

i'd rather stick with netanyahu than deal with naftali bennett.

all you can do for right now is 

(1) send a letter to the company explaining your concerns. in theory, if they get dozens of more letters from people that support dogs than from people that want to get rid of them, they should reverse the ban. and, send the letters to all of the companies, not just the ones in canada.

(2) while you're waiting, boycott companies that ban dogs.

but, you have to realize that this struggle exists before you can react to it. you don't realize it, and that's at the crux of the problem.

out of all the things we could be concerning ourselves with in this techno-dystopia, right?

and, it's just going to get worse as one basic western cultural norm after another ends up challenged by cultures with more buying power than ours.

we're going to have to refight battle after battle that we fought and won hundreds of years ago.

and, it's going to slow us down, as we spin in place, for who knows how long.

secularism will win in the end, it always does. but, we could be in for decades or centuries of stupid bickering, in the mean time.

and that's really my perspective on this: these are dumb concerns that i don't want to bother with, and that i resent being forced to deal with.

do you want to fight with people about whether dogs are allowed on planes or not?

i don't.

but, now we have to.

depressingly. annoyingly. frustratingly....

like, did you think that all the muslims were going to come to north america and get pet dogs when they got here?

i mean, c'mon.

what the fuck.

didn't they recently pass a "bill of rights" for airline patients?

my hunch is this: there are certain cultures that don't like dogs, and they whined and complained until they got banned. these cultures have more market power than northern european culture, so they won and got to enforce their values on everybody else. these are the kinds of changes in culture that we're going to have to get used to, if we continue to allow competing cultures to invade and dominate us - which we seem to be happy to do.

while some legal action is probably justified in the long run, what i'd suggest for now is voting with your wallet and picking transit options that allow for pets, whether they're classified as "support animals" or not.

i'd rather ban hijabs than dogs, myself. but, i don't have the money to make those choices.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/traveller-caught-by-surprise-after-air-canada-bans-emotional-support-animals-1.6048479

today's post is my 6th record, inri063.

these are all songs that were written with the intent of sean singing over them, and then reclaimed, completed and remastered over 2014/2015. the elephant in the womb indicates the gestation period - this is a behemoth that was a long time coming, and is only surpassed by my upcoming and still gestating records.

the posts over the last several days have slowly built up to this, and i think i've said all i can say about each of these tracks. but, i'm pretty proud of this as a piece of abstract electronic music and am excited to finally finish the follow-up.

=====

the idea of a second jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj record was not something that remotely crossed my mind until i started seriously analysing my work from 2002. that was a separate idea; rabit is wolf separated it from the trivial group. however, remixed instrumental tracks over the rabit is wolf period slowly collected to the point that there was enough to justify a whole record. that wasn't a conscious choice at the outset, but it seems to be the conceptual framework collected on the record. i toyed with the idea of releasing it as a rabit remix record, but my influence over it is far too lopsided. 

the thematic linkage with the first jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj record is a tendency to lean towards more "serious" ideas. there are strong influences from a few different types of classical music, including jazz, as well as some more modern electronic and noise influences. however, these songs lean more towards more palatable rock or techno based song structures and are less dependent on existing scores. 

the stories for these songs are diverse and explained in more detail on the track pages. 

these tracks are all based on existing demos from 2001-2002 that were initially intended to be completed with vocal parts and were remixed from july, 2014 to may, 2015 as purely instrumental recordings. released may 2, 2015. disc finalized as lp014 on nov 21, 2017. this is my sixth official record; as always, please use headphones. 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (2001, 2002, 2014, 2015, 2017). 

released december 1, 2002 

j - electric & acoustic guitars, electric bass guitar, effects, synths, electric air reed organ, digital piano, flute, voice, electronic drum kit, drum programming, drum manipulations, drum sampling, orchestral sequencing, sampling, loops, equalization, digital wave editing, sound design, production, composition. 

sean - harmonica (2), melody (6) 

greg - drum performance sample source (4) 

the various rendered electronic orchestras include tuba, french horn, trombone, trumpet, english horn, saxophone, oboe, clarinet, bassoon, flute, orchestra hit, melodic toms, timpani, orchestral drum set, piano, agogo, tubular bells, glockenspiel, koto, violin, viola, cello, contrabass and various full string sections. it also includes choir.

today's post is the 5th volume of flac dvds.

============

purchasing this release does not come with a download. 

inri054: recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. track 6 was constructed in may, 2004 out of files recorded 1999-2001. tracks 1-4 were reconstructed over october, 2014. final mixes were finished on october 18, 2014. released on oct 21, 2014. disc closed on oct 30, 2017. 

inri055: written in early 2002 and recorded and mixed in early 2002 and late 2014. released on nov 15, 2014. expanded, re-released & finalized on nov 1, 2017. 

inri056: written & recorded in late 2001 and early 2002 and mixed in early 2002 and late 2014. released on nov 19, 2014. expanded, re-released and finalized on nov 2, 2017. 

inri057: written and recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. initially sequenced in may, 2002. re-sequenced and first released in june, 2002. re-released in slightly different forms from 2002-2014. resequenced to mimic the original sequencing and re-released on november 8, 2014. except to sequence the record, these files have not been altered since 2002. disc finalized as lp013 on nov 3, 2017. 

inri058: written over 2001 and 2002 and rethought repeatedly between 2002-2014, with no clear resolution in a final mix. reconstructed from source in late 2014 and then rendered at multiple stages to create a series of snapshots. final mixes were completed over the last week of november and the first week of december. released as a two-volume set on dec 7, 2014. the concept was rethought on nov 3, 2017, which led to the inclusion of five more mixes and an expansion to four cds. re-released in four volumes & finalized as symph007 on nov 12, 2017. the raw guitar mix was corrected on jan 6, 2018. 

inri059: written and recorded over 2001 and 2002. mildly remixed in november, 2014 to make the tracks more presentable; nothing substantial was altered, and no new sound was recorded. released on november 19, 2014. re-released on physical media and finalized on nov 14, 2017. 

inri060: written in august, 2002. track one was remixed in december, 2014 to turn the rest of the track up relative to the vocals. released on dec 12, 2014. disc finalized on nov 14, 2017. 

inri061: written over the summer of 2002 and initially recorded in the early fall of 2002. additional writing, arranging, recording, production and mixing occurred from dec, 2014 to apr, 2015. released as a two volume set on april 27, 2015. this release was expanded to include a third disc on nov 17, 2017 and filled in with eight new remixes over the next few days. re-released as a slightly rearranged three volume set and finalized on nov 19, 2017. 

inri062: this track was written in late 2002 and completed over april and may, 2015. released may 11, 2015. disc finalized on nov 20, 2017. 

originally created over the course of 2002, with some files dating to late 2001. this compilation is dated to nov 30, 2002. slowly remastered, reconstituted, compiled, reconstructed, released and finalized from 2014-2017. compilation finalized on nov 21, 2017. as always, please use headphones. 

released november 30, 2002 

j - guitars (electric, acoustic, nylon), electric bass, electric mandolin, sequencers, synthesizers, drum & melodic & orchestral programming, electric air reed organ, digital piano, flute, regular drum kit, electronic drum kit, sampling, digital and analog effects processing, sound design, soundscaping, loops, granular synthesis, noise generators, voice, vocoders, drum & vocal manipulations, digital wave editing, equalizers, production, composition. 

sean - vocals/lyrics (inri054-inri059, inri061), harmonica (inri054, inri057), ring modulator (inri057-inri058), vocal concept (inri062) 

greg - drum performance sample source (inri056-inri058) 

jon - guitar performance (inri057) 

bob - hammering (inri058) 

the various rendered electronic orchestras include acoustic bass, synth bass, electric bass, brass, french horn, trombone, trumpet, tuba, english horn, saxophone, flute, oboe, piccolo, clarinet, bassoon, orchestra hit, drum machine, electronic drum kit, nylon guitar, electric guitar (distorted & clean), acoustic guitar, synthesizers, synthesizer effects, glockenspiel, vibraphone, hammered percussion, music box, tubular bells, bells, agogo, wood blocks, marimba, melodic toms, timpani, taiko drum, backwards cymbals, synth drums, orchestral drum set, harp, koto, piano, bells, mellotron, violin, viola, cello, contrabass and various full string sections. there is also choir.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-5

but i can't quit my job

why not?

because i have to pay for all this stuff.

indeed. so, what choice are you making here?

i quit my job, and now i don't buy stuff. and, i'm happier for it...

my basic position is this: if you or marx or anybody else don't like what i choose to alienate myself from then fuck you.

and, this idea that i can't see through it - that i'm just brainwashed in some system of control - is insulting, and fuck you for suggesting that, too.

i'll alienate myself from what i bloody well choose to alienate myself from.

and, i think i'm getting my point across. for all of the terminology and pretentious references, this is really just marx getting moral on your ass, about things he has no right to criticize you for. and, he should fuck off.

i'll continue to point to his substantive critique of classical economics, though.

if the individual did not want to be alienated, they would not be.

therefore, alienation does not exist in any sense except as a type of moralism, which is backwards.

qed.

an individual cannot be alienated from themselves, by definition - the supposed alienated individual is the only individual that actually exists. you can imagine some other individual, but it's not real; you can moralize as to what the individual ought to be, but that's just religious bullshit.

the individual merely exists as they are, and that is all.

and, i don't have a lot of time for people that want to argue about nonsense.

i actually think that marx' diatribes about "alienation" are the worthless, masturbatory (and, frankly, bourgeois) parts of marxism that are best done away with, and one of the reasons i'd rather call myself an anarchist. it's also a kind of relic of marx' love-hate relationship with religion, and his inability to completely sever himself from it, the way that kropotkin or bakunin did.

i don't want to be a part of a community, and i don't want to join a political movement that insists i must be, or insists i must define myself that way - i want to be an individual that exists outside of any collectivist entity, and i actually see capitalism as a system that minimizes and distorts the individual (i know that's what marx actually said) rather than one that exalts it. we need collectivism in production to make sense of it, but the point should be to manifest human individuality - and i don't want to join your movement if you want to negate or minimize that.

humans do not have a definable nature or essence in any non-trivial sense, and there is no shared human condition. it's just a bunch of empty philosophizing - bourgeois, pointless nonsense.

as an anarchist, i cite marx for his economic and political ideas; i don't care much for his philosophical positions.

so, how do we overcome this?

meh. i'd rather embrace it...

so, i got the following done:

- salicylate (thinner)

- ascorbic acid (general dietary)

- asca (crohn's)

- mercury (blocker)

...but results are not available, yet.

this lab does not do glutathione, iodine or pyruvate kinase - but the other corporate lab does, so i'll have to take it there, instead. the amino acid fractionation requires a fast (oops). and neither of the labs do serum oxalate, so i'll have to ask the doctor to put urine down instead.

i will have to shop around to see what the best prices are for the cancer screening.

(this post is dated to june 1, 2021 because it describes events over that day. however, it was written on june 11, 2021)

so, once the mediation with the hospital was done, i got on my bicycle and went out to do a blood test at the life labs, which is about a third of the way to belle river, which i needed to get to to get my sealant – and to get some exercise, as my general exercise routine has been corrupted by the border closure during the pandemic. 

the reason i went to this further blood lab is that the closer lab sends large amounts of the tests they do to this lab as a starting point; the local lab mostly does routine tests, whereas anything complicated gets sent to the corporate lab. so, it’s essentially a front for the corporate lab. even that is sort of irrelevant to me, except to point out that i can’t access the results myself once they’ve been sent off, i need to wait to talk to my doctor, which i find frustrating. the reasoning behind going to the corporate lab is to get access to the results before i can talk to the doctor. i wanted less than five vials taken on this day before i headed to the outskirts of town, so the fact that they could only do four of the options worked out well for me. i just had to get to the lifelabs by 2:45, then make it to belle river before 6:00 – which i was able to accomplish rather effortlessly.

as it was with the previous ride to belle river at the start of may, i barely stopped at all on the way there, which meant i actually made excellent time. and, i wanted to make sure i could stop at the dollar store to get a tarp on the way home, so i rushed back without really stopping, either. i didn’t check the time, but i’m guessing i got into town at about 18:00 or so – lots of time to stop into the dollar store for 30 second to get a tarp, right?

there are dollaramas spaced across tecumseh like tim horton’s – they’re every couple of intersections, and i knew that, even if i wasn’t sure exactly where each one was. it should be pointed out that there are closed big box stores at almost every mall up this strip, many of which have left behind these still thriving dollaramas, and it says a little about the demographics of this city, as well as a little about the prices in these larger stores. where ronas and home depots and ikeas fail, dollaramas flourish. well, i’m seeking their $4 tarps for a reason – i don’t want to pay $30 for the same thing at walmart. who would, actually?

the first sign i saw was at the tecumseh mall, which has been on life support since i moved here. this dollarama was outright closed for the remainder of the pandemic, and we’ll have to see if it recovers or not (i’d bet it will).

the next one was across the street, sandwiched between a value village and a maternity store. this one was closed at 18:00.

closed at 18:00? what the fuck?

the next one was a few blocks up, beside a freshco, and it was closed at 17:00. so, i’m starting to panic.

i tried the one near the metro – closed at 18:00.

the last one on the way home was beside the next freshco, and i barely made it in before they closed at 19:00 – but they didn’t have a tarp in stock. for fuck’s sake....

...and, 19:00 was the late option, apparently.

so, that’s five attempts to buy a tarp, with no luck. i had no choice but to go home, empty-handed.

i don’t know what the logic of forcing businesses to close early in the pandemic is, but i wasn’t the only person upset about it. the store had a line-up of people outside, baffled by the early closing time. i mean, the grocery store next door was open until 22:00, so what’s the point of forcing the dollar store to close early? and, if there are people trying to get in after 19:00, forcing them to come in early is just increasing the number of people in the store. there’s no logic in this, unless the logic is that somebody doesn’t want people working at "supper time", because they think they ought to be eating a family dinner, instead. which is just, like....fuck off.....

it was otherwise a good day, though – five hours on the bike, and with a bottle of sealant to show for it.

so, then what i need to ask for for tomorrow is:

- celiac

- cea  (general cancer, often used for colon cancer)

- gastrin  (stomach and pancreatic cancer)

- p-anca  (colitis)

- copper serum

- another fit test

+

- psa (prostate cancer)

- ca 19-9  (general cancer)

& i'll keep at my once-per-month approach to the other minerals and vitamins, too. 

that should tell me if i'm in scaryville or just having some absorption issues, at least.

so, the hospital case is done.

i still have the case with the grocery store (which has not responded. at all.) and the case with the karen. and, the issues with the cops are ongoing.

and, i guess i can get a celiac test done, huh?

so, i got enough to fund the surgery, and then some, meaning it should be enough to make for a weekend in toronto, and then some. the exact amount isn't important, but i can't publish it here as per the terms of agreement.

i can't do anything after the surgery, so if i'm going to party it up, i'll have to do so the night before.

hey - call me a crazy ass drama queen motherfucker, but i got what i wanted, which was funding to get my balls cut out.

now, i need to call the urologist back and make sure they can schedule me.

ok.

here we go...

what am i expecting from this? frankly, not much.

i need to find a way to get the surgery done asap in windsor or, if that is not offered, ensure i have the funds to get to toronto to do it, there. this process needs to pay for that, at the very least.

so, i got my most recent blood rec in the mail. i'm just writing it down here because the lab i went to has apparently dropped a few results.

i'm still waiting for vitamin a. i'll talk to him tomorrow about that. i should get the bone mineral density results, as well.

for this blood rec, the following were done on saturday:

- uric acid: 331  (normal)

- inr: 0.9 (normal, to slightly low - but that suggests increased clotting activity, not decreased clotting activity)

- ptt: 30 seconds (normal)

- ptt control: 29 seconds

- lipase: 29 iu/l  (normal)

- amylase: 59 iu/l  (normal)

they told me they were doing fibrinogen, but it didn't come up. maybe they sent it off. i also asked for aptt and it's not in the rec.

as mentioned, that suggests my k absorption is fine, my ability to clot is fine (and i might be getting too much, but i'm also on estrogen, remember), my pancreas is fine, and the markers i was looking for for molybdenum and manganese do not flag absorption problems with either.

so, what's left is:

- oxalate  (iron blocker)

- salicylate (blood thinner)

- fibrinogen? (part of vitamin k test)

- mercury  (blocker, and bad news in general)

- aptt? (part of vitamin k test)

- glutathione (selenium, and general curiosity)

- amino acid fractionation (absorption, and diet check)

- iodine (absorption, and thyroid)

- pyruvate (manganese)

- ascorbic acid (absorption)

 - asca (crohn's)

when i talk to him next, i'm going to add:

- cea

- gastrin

- copper serum

and, we'll need to wait until next time before i can do research into b vitamins and potential indirects for them.

the next ten years in the united states are going to have hurricanes like nobody's ever seen. these mostly won't affect canada, which will broadly benefit from climate change.

but, something that will happen here and that we're going to have to adapt to is a northwards moving of the tornado line from the american midwest to the canadian prairies. koto, i don't think we're in saskatchewan, anymore.

...and, it may actually make the american midwest a particularly attractive place to relocate, as a relatively warm enclave that is both too far inland to get nailed by the hurricanes and, increasingly, too far south to deal with devastating tornadic activity - even if it's increasingly too warm to grow food.

https://www.theweathernetwork.com/ca/news/article/may-25-storms-produce-canadas-first-ef-2-tornadoes-in-2021

hey, scientific socialism would necessitate that the weather forecast be properly dialectical, right?

"marxist meteorology"

i think this gets the right idea for the summer. my weather forecasting may seem hokey, but it's just because it's based on a broader interpretation of the various oscillations that define the weather (and are broadly determined by solar output, first and foremost) and is adjusted to be specifically dialectical. so, i can't tell you what it's going to be like tomorrow, but i can provide a broader concept of what is happening.

the models want to focus on the pacific, and i understand why, but i think it's a mistake in the eastern part of north america. here, the same basic struggle between the warming atlantic and the now receding vortex (technically, the vortex is strengthening, but it means the cold air is receding) is what is going to primarily define the weather here, not pacific air from the west. as the vortex is receding with the sun, and the warming of the atlantic is accelerating, we should have a broadly warmer summer than we have had recently. if we get periodic shots of hot air from the pacific, it could lead to higher humidity as a kind of extra level of warmth, but it won't affect the general forecast.

the fact that the cold air is going to be receding for the next several years should amplify the effects of global warming in the atlantic, but we're still near the bottom of the cycle, remember. it's going to take some time for the energy at the northern latitudes, along that nasty tilt we have on our planet, to rebuild as it always does. so, if we see something like a lull in hot air from the atlantic due to too many hurricanes, or some particularly nasty cyclones in the east pacific, it could allow the lingering cold air to overtake the limes and sack the south.

but, i'm going to suggest we should broadly lean towards a warmer than usual summer due to the dominance of the warming atlantic on the patterns in the region.

and, i'm also going to expect a heavy hurricane season, as well - which our neighbours to the south should prepare for.

https://www.theweathernetwork.com/ca/news/article/canadas-2021-summer-weather-forecast

there's a certain framing that comes out of this kind of thing that goes something like this:

"we used to be a racist society built on colonialism and genocide, but we got better. now, we have identity politics and neo-liberalism, instead - and all of that stuff is done with. so, come work for our logging company."

i'm a robot. i get it. but, my main concern is not what happened 200 years ago, it's what's happening right now. and, even if you're obliged to feel a little bit more than i am, don't lose that basic point - the present is more important than the past.

they found a mass burial of some kids in a "residential school", which was a kind of internment camp for indigenous people run by the catholic church, in kamloops. the suggestion is that they were probably killed by the administrators of the school. there was no previous record of this - in fact no previous record that the kids were even missing.

indigenous women continue to "disappear" in that part of the country on a regular basis, and everybody knows the government is killing them. they keep squashing inquiries. this is something that is happening and we can do something about to try to stop.

but, i don't know what to do about this mass grave in kamloops besides send the vatican a sternly worded letter. i mean, it's not even clear who the families were.

it's very sad and everything, but i need to remind people that the present is unfolding around us, and there is no deficit of injustices to fight against right now, every day. don't let them sidetrack you into getting angry about ancient history, instead.

that 30 hour day yesterday took so much out of me that i forgot how to add.

(12 + 6 = 18. but, the baseline was 24 hours, not 12 hours, and 24 + 6= 30.)

it's nice and warm in here, and i'm not complaining, but the heaters make me so tired. if i was outside in 30 degree humidity, i wouldn't be falling asleep, but my thermostat says 30 degrees on it, and it's all from the dry heater, and it's just cutting me down. 

or, maybe i'm dying of brain cancer.

but, they'll just tell me to get a colonoscopy...

"doctor, i'm....."

"colonoscopy. immediately."

"but, i didn't even...."

"irrelevant. colonoscopy. now. bend over."

"but, i'm gaining weight...."

"irrelevant."

"...and my blood tests say that...."

"the ministry instructs that you must enjoy your colonoscopy right now!"

they're all gay men, too - they all have lisps.

i'm pretty sure i have a handle on this mediation thing, which is earlier than i thought - it's at 9:30. i thought it was at 12:00. so, i'm going to get to narrating the last few days.

the short of it is that i need to wait ten days for the fit test results (but they might not be useful), that i'm not dealing with clotting issues (except maybe too much clotting) and that my pancreas is fine. together, these things suggest my trace minerals are probably ok.

can you hear the ping-pong fade-out from 4:02 to 5:32?

if you can't, it's because the mp3 cut it out - because it exists strictly in a frequency band that the algorithm decided isn't important.

i didn't do this on purpose, but it's a strong demonstration of the limitations of the technology.

should i just remaster everything so it can with withstand the onslaught?

no.

it's the algorithm...

see, what the mp3 algorithm does is decide that there are certain spectra of sound that people don'r care about, anyways. what i'm doing is filling in those spectra, in utter defiance.

so, i'm not going to compromise, i'm going to tell low bitrate mp3s to fuck off.

also...

lalalala - and versions, including the one on the sixth record - is one of the tracks that compresses very badly. the detail of the track is all in the reverb, which is heavier here than almost anywhere else in my discography. i've got reverb coming from a dozen different places, including the environmental audio effects. this reverb is creating all kinds of interesting artefacts and sound effects in places that an mp3 compressor (which is almost as bad as a corporate rock producer) is just going to squash out of existence.

the version on the album has this ping-pong reverb from about 4:04 to about 5:32 that you can't hear at all on bandcamp. like, i don't mean that it's been crushed or distorted - it's just gone. instead, you get about a minute and a half of silence. there should be a delay there, but it's just utterly inaudible due to the compression algorithm deciding that it exists in unimportant frequency ranges.

so, this is kind of a ubiquitous problem for a sound artist, faced with the normality of low quality sound devices. this is an extreme example - you can't even hear the song. at all. - but it demonstrates the nature of the problem.

and, all i can tell you is that it sounds great in lossless audio through a decent amp and good headphones.

for now, the best way to get around it is to feed it into an external amp at low volume and crank the amp. but, ultimately, the compression is irreversible, and the detail is not recoverable from the format.

so, my nose is bleeding.

it's a little dry in here, but...

*sigh*. the doctor has to treat me for colon cancer because it's what the probabilities say, and what the direction from the ministry says. i've realized this recently - doctors in canada are actually overwhelmingly regulated. you might imagine that you're going to an educated specialist that is going to react creatively, using their base of knowledge, but it's really not like that; it's more like you're going to see a drone worker that is following a decision tree that their boss (the state.) gave them, and could face severe penalties if they try to actually use their brain.

i told him immediately that i was more concerned about my brain bleeding than my stomach bleeding. i told the er doctor the same thing. they both ignored me and followed the decision tree, instead.

it's dystopic, really.

so, i've been trying to get these gastro-intestinal tests over with to get them out of the decision tree, but it's been impossible, because you're just stuck with even more obstructions when you try to speed it up, or get around the lobbyists.

you will have a colonoscopy, and you will like it!

it might just be dry in here. but, if they had listened to me, they might have been able to catch this before it's too late.

now, what do i do?

i dunno. i don't want to go to the hospital for a nosebleed. and, i know they're just going to schedule me a colonoscopy.

temporary full may, 2021 backup archive (not source material - to be permanently deleted when pdf uploads)

saturday, january 1, 2022

sunday, january 2, 2022

monday, january 3, 2022

tuesday, january 4, 2022

wednesday, january 5, 2022

thursday, january 6, 2022

friday, january 7, 2022

saturday, january 8, 2022

sunday, january 9, 2022

monday, january 10, 2022

tuesday, january 11, 2022

wednesday, january 12, 2022

thursday, january 13, 2022

friday, january 14, 2022

saturday, january 15, 2022

sunday, january 16, 2022

monday, january 17, 2022

tuesday, january 18, 2022

wednesday, january 19, 2022

thursday, january 20, 2022

friday, january 21, 2022

saturday, january 22, 2022

sunday, january 23, 2022

monday, january 24, 2022

tuesday, january 25, 2022

wednesday, january 26, 2022

thursday, january 27, 2022

friday, january 28, 2022

saturday, january 29, 2022

sunday, january 30 2022

monday, january 31, 2022

today's post is the single for the last rabit is wolf track, la la la la la, which i had to complete without sean. so, i'm singing here, not sean - but sean actually gets a primary writing credit here. i do not expect that it would sound substantively different had sean actually sung it, which is the irony of somebody with a somewhat idiosyncratic voice insisting on a basic, generic idea. 

the track would be reworked as the first trivial group track by flipping it over backwards and starts my 8th symphony, which is where i left off in 2018. it also now ends my 6th record, finished in 2015, in initial form. so, the effect is that the 6th record ends with the track playing forwards, and the 8th symphony starts with the track playing backwards.

the single itself is consequently a sort of historical footnote. i had this track leftover from the rabit period that was never finished as a rabit song, but was finished as a trivial group track. so, i just went back and finished it as a rabit track myself, and released it as a single. the rabit version should consequently be interpreted as a remix, or even as an outtake.

====

this was meant to be the last rabit is wolf track, but instead morphed into the first trivial group song. this single explores the track from various angles. 

sean wanted a song that just went "lalalala". i think his intent was to try and simplify my thought process, because what i'd been doing sounded more like FTIeikdTY7isdD7E5dk!. he was just kind of like "how about.....lalalala.". 

it got a bit of an eye roll from me, as you could imagine, but i played with it. he wasn't really that excited about what i did, and it just didn't move forward. there were no further sessions, as he became interested in working with a more conventional early 00s "emotional hardcore" (think at the drive in) style guitarist and i got very involved in a relationship. 

despite his initial suggestion, i'd consider the result to clearly be of my own doing. so, i took the core of what i did and warped it into the first track on the reflections symphony. this track has lain dormant since, comfortably completed. 

it's now 2015, and i'm completing my discography. that puts this track in a blurry space: it was completed, but not as initially intended. while there may have been a vocal part recorded, i don't have it any more. yet, the intention is clear enough - and the manipulation would have been thick enough - that i do not consider it to be invasive to complete it on my own. 

i'm releasing it as rabit because it's collaborative in the abstract, despite sean not actually existing in the track. 

this track was written in late 2002 and completed over april and may, 2015. released may 11, 2015. disc finalized on nov 20, 2017. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of the track (track 3) also appears on my sixth record, jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj^2 (inri063): 

jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj-2 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (2002, 2015, 2017). 

released november 15, 2002 

j - guitar, effects, bass, drum programming, soundscaping, sound design, sampling, vocals, vocoders, digital wave editing 

sean - lyrical concept

so, we're going to get today's post in at the end of the day. 

after a long day of biking on saturday, i was up early on sunday morning (the google myactivity suggests the first search was 5:29) and didn't stop cleaning until around 12:00 on monday. so, you're looking at roughly 30 hours...

in the process, i managed to get all of the plastic down in my bedroom, as well as do most of the sealing in the studio area. i ran out of sealant and had to buy some more, which i can pick up next time i'm out. at $10/can, it's going to cost me $20 to seal the whole space.

i found an ant hill connected to the wall under the window near the studio, so the sealing is justified on that basis, along with the temperature and mold issues. 

i also finally got the shower curtain scrubbed down and even got through a good chunk of stuff in the back room, so i'm the bulk of the way there. 

but, after 30 hours, i had to crash this afternoon and was out for about 11 hours, straight. i'm feeling awake, now. let's hope today is as long or longer. i like these long days....i hate sleeping...

this morning, i need to prepare for the mediation, which is this afternoon.

that's such an underrated record. there's one for his sidekick too - and this is really just about a perfect pop song. no, really. if i were to objectively evaluate the construction of this for some bourgeois competition, it would get a perfect score - and there's only a few out there that can compete with it. as i'm closing the rabit run through, i can only wish that we could have got somewhere close to this, even if sean was nowhere in this headspace at the time.

let us focus more on not repeating the mistakes of the past, and less on apologizing for the actions of our ancestors.

when you say "i'm so sorry", there's of course two interpretations.

the first is that you apologize, and mean it.

and, the second is a self-deprecating statement.

now, how do you put these things together when you repeat the line "i'm so sorry" over and over again?

i've been over this before - what exactly does it mean to apologize for something that somebody else did? is it a statement of condolence? you can't express regret when you're not responsible. and, the state cannot be personified in that manner - it is cold, impersonal bureaucracy.

so, i don't know what those words mean.

and, it's truly a sorry display, isn't it?

so sorry, indeed.

yes, of course.

i was a kid when i first heard this, but it makes a lot of sense to me as an adult. i've been in this situation more than a few times :\.

good tune.

it's a pun, though. careful with mr stipe - he's a sarcastic ass, and most people didn't seem to get it.

so, we're back to monthly cleaning rituals, at least for now, which means losing a few days at the end of the month.

i'm pretty close to be being done, but i still have a busy few days coming up...

i'm turning corners, though. for real.

jessica murray

jessica murray

1 second ago

that said, let's talk about israel and the evangelicals. let's understand this...

jessica murray

jessica murray

1 second ago

what it says in the christian bible - the revelation, which was written in greek, rather than aramaic - is that israel will be destroyed from the east. i always laugh at these christians that think russia means the east; in fact, russia is to the west of israel. rather, everybody living in israel at the time would have known that the east meant the persians, the ancestors of today's iranians.

jessica murray

jessica murray

1 second ago

so, what do the evangelicals actually want? do they want to support israel as a colonial state and have it take over the region and bomb the iranians? i mean, you could naively assign that to the generals (although larry aptly described why that's wrong), but what about the evangelicals, who you couldn't even get to vote at all until reagan?

jessica murray

jessica murray

1 second ago

what the evangelicals actually want is the second coming, the return of jesus, who will separate the worthy from the damned on judgement day. and, in order for that to happen, the temple must be destroyed, by the beast from the east. which is iran.

jessica murray

jessica murray

1 second ago

so, this idea of evangelical support for israel is sort of a double-edged sword, like jesus' wacky tongue, in the psychedelic visions that describe the prophecies - they want to ensure israel exists....so it can be destroyed. and, by who? by iran.

jessica murray

jessica murray

1 second ago

larry set this up fairly well when he talked about the first gulf war. nothing's really changed - if the americans were going to go into iran, they'd bring everybody except israel. pakistan, turkey, the saudis - but not israel.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLFX_3TKGJk

i mean, if you're out there railing against trump being a nazi, and you're waving a hamas flag while doing it, how does a reasonable person interact with you?

they'd have to conclude you're a buffoon.

if you want to talk about human rights, i'm going to align with you, at least abstractly - although we might disagree about what that means. for example, i tend to reject the premise that religious belief is a human right, and instead lean strongly towards the idea that humans have a right to be free from the religious values of others, and point heavily towards freedom of association. 

but, if you start talking about human rights and, midway through it, start waving a hamas flag, then you've lost me.

...because there are few political organizations on the planet that care less about human rights than hamas.

and, here's the thing: the contemporary fake left is so ignorant that a lot of them don't even know what they're supporting. they no doubt imagine that hamas is a group of nice, clean cut arabs with broadly secular viewpoints - like the arabs they know in their lives. it's orientalism in reverse. but, they're that clueless - they have no idea. 

i'm not going to attack people for being ignorant.

it's the ones that know better that piss me off.

but, this isn't empty rhetoric, because supporting hamas is just speeding up the process of genocide. the more that the fake left supports hamas, the faster the palestinians die. they have to get past this, or they're done - and if you actually care about their plight, if you're not just looking for a right-wing militia to support to work out your own issues with society, then you'll realize this very quickly. and, sometimes it makes you wonder when you see who is aligning with them, too.

this is an old problem in the midst of empire - barbarians are consistently dumb and they consistently behave in ways that lead to their own demise.

but, if your support for hamas is rooted in upholding human rights, and there's no irony in your position, i can't be bothered with you - because it's a delusional position to take. you need to be supporting the left on the ground, not fueling right-wing nationalism and pretending it's some kind of leftist struggle. 'cause it ain't....

i don't often stand up for cenk uygur, but what started this recent stupidity in the gaza strip?

was it an incursion of israeli settlers into an illegal settlement? a conflict at a checkpoint? even some kind of pyrrhic attack on israeli soldiers by idiots with rocks?

no.

it was a quasi-fascist islamic extremist organization called hamas reacting to israeli crowd management at the al aqsa mosque to end ramadan.

trying to deny that this was about religion is delusional, but it demonstrates the point i've been making for quite a while, now - there are a lot of fake leftists on the surface out there that are, in truth, conservatives or nationalists or both in disguise. and, some of them are sephardic or mizrahi jews. while they may claim it's about human rights, the reality is that they're looking for a right-wing militia to identify with in their struggle against modernity, which they despise. so, they readily and eagerly align with the most backwards elements they can find, in their zeal to tear down the world around them.

there's a lot of things i don't like about the world, too, and i've been clear enough that i think that what israel is doing and has repeatedly done is unjustified and needs to stop. but, i'm not about to align with a palestinian nationalist movement that wants to turn back the clocks, either - and i would challenge those that tell people it's pragmatism to be a little more honest about where their politics really are. i can see through them, even if most people can't.

there is a left on the ground. it is not very powerful, but that will not change if everybody that could prop it up aligns with the nationalist right, instead.

so, i will state again: i stand with the apostates, and call for an end to religion in the region as a precondition for an integrated, multicultural society. and, if that sounds absurd to you, you're not able to see past the status quo.

i haven't been able to sit down since i left to get the fit test yesterday morning. i'll have a lengthy write-up coming soon.

so, the post for today is inri061, which is the 3xep single for the track that started as a rabit is wolf track called "penny shoeman" and ended up as an epic guitar concerto, and the climax of my serious music phase. this is the piece that sean liked enough that he wanted to turn it into an emo rock/pop song with a second guitarist, but i pulled the plug almost instantly and pivoted to industrialized techno, instead. these drums were transcribed into a score writer before they were played back, so that skinny puppy style breakdown in the chorus existed directly in the score, from the start. 

when remixing this, i resisted the cheesiness of sampling something like heavyocity, partly because the drum, & bass tracks were already in place from 2002, and those weren't the parts i was looking to uplift. rather, i spent a huge amount of time with guitar overdubs and orchestral sequencing to really make this thing as ridiculous as is possible.

the guitar concerto is not a form that was been well developed. i think clapton tried to do one, but it predictably sucked. some of what mike oldfield has done could be labeled that way, although i suspect he'd reject it. even zappa never really touched this, although one wonders if he might have later on.

the only actual guitar concerto that i'm aware of that comes close to this is mike keneally's 2004 masterpiece, the universe will provide, which was composed as a jam with an experimental dutch orchestra. as i added the guitars after, i'm not going to claim this is older than the keneally piece (even if the core of it is). but, that's the reference point...

guitar concertos are the kind of thing i imagined myself writing more of as i aged, so if there's any music still to come from me, this is not a bad approximation of what it might sound like.

=====

this is the second of two lengthy singles to come out of tracks that were begun in 2002 and not completed to my liking. the mixes in this single chart this song's rather elaborate development over fifteen years, with the first disc consisting of historical versions and the next two discs consisting of finished mixes. 

it became clear through the course of july, 2002 that rabit is wolf wasn't really going anywhere and i was better off cutting my losses. we jammed a few times, but it wasn't really serious. 

this track was initially written as a folk punk song, but i jumped to the scorewriter with it almost immediately. the expanded guitar demo was written in a scorewriter and then performed, rather than vice versa. it was initially less about explicitly creating a techno song and more about ordering the parts in a way that could be deconstructed more effectively. i wanted a more flexible approach to production that would allow me to take tracks in and out based on sean's input. 

i may have gone over this in this space before, but my mixing process up to that point was considerably unconventional. i would record tracks in one by one using a wave editor and then paste them on top of each other. i worked this way because i just didn't have more advanced tools. while there are benefits to this approach (it's additive synthesis, which blurs the mix for soundscaping), it meant that each additional track was destructive. i could not remove tracks once they were added. this meant sean was unable to provide much input into demos i sent to him. 

i also picked up a copy of cakewalk to help with this, but i quickly learned that my system couldn't really handle it. at around eight tracks, it just became unresponsive. with less than eight tracks, it didn't matter if the mix was destructive because it was easily reconstructed. so, i went back to the wave editor approach until 2007, when i upgraded to a modern pc. 

the taiko drum part was initially just to keep time; it wasn't supposed to be a part of the song. but, as i built it up i began to realize how interesting it sounded as a techno tune and sort of ran with it. once i'd notated it, i had to convert the drums into a soundscape because the midi render just wasn't good enough. this was done using a mix of software drum machines, midi snippets and isolated jimmy chamberlain samples. i then performed the score i had notated, with the exception of a few synths which were sequenced back. unfortunately, the midi file for the synth build up at the beginning of the track has been lost. 

the mix never came out well, partly due to ram issues with cakewalk and partly because i got a little pretentious with some of the parts. i was also extremely distracted over this period. despite this all being done to make sean's input more easily integrated into the material, he had no interest in the direction i took it and basically put his nose up at it again. i attempted a few different things over late 2002 and early 2003 to try and salvage it for my own purposes, but in the end i shelved it as unworkable. 

when i first set up the bandcamp site around 2010, i realized i had a collection of tracks that fit a sort of techno-guitar description and compiled them together under the name "tetris". i uploaded an incomplete mix for that project, but it was never really done and i never really felt good about it. 

it wasn't until late 2014 that i came back to the track, to authoritatively finish my discography. first, a mix was reconstructed from source to include all of the existing sound files. next, three separate sequencer mixes were sculpted out of the score - a jazz fusion mix, an overture mix and an ambient mix. pieces of these sequencer mixes were then isolated and mixed into the reconstructed original mix. finally, a series of extra lead guitar parts were recorded and mixed separately into a final mix and the orchestral mix, creating the end result and an accompanying guitar concerto. the recording process for this was very lengthy, which was ironically partly due to consistent distractions.

this release was revisited in november, 2017 as a part of the process of finalizing period 2 and was expanded from two to three discs through the addition of multiple supplementary mixes. 

i've included the midi file of the original composition, if you'd like to mess with it on your own. 

written over the summer of 2002 and initially recorded in the early fall of 2002. additional writing, arranging, recording, production and mixing occurred from dec, 2014 to apr, 2015. released as a two volume set on april 27, 2015. this release was expanded to include a third disc on nov 17, 2017 and filled in with eight new remixes over the next few days. re-released as a slightly rearranged three volume set and finalized on nov 19, 2017. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of the track (track 7) also appears on my sixth record, jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj^2 (inri063): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj-2 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (2002, 2014, 2015, 2017). 

released september 15, 2002 

j - guitars, effects, bass, synthesizers, drum sampling, drum programming, sequencing, sound design, soundscaping, digital wave editing 

sean - vocals (1) 

the various rendered electronic orchestras include electric bass, synth bass, distorted electric guitar, clean electric guitar, acoustic guitar, violin, viola, cello, contrabass, harp, koto, french horn, trombone, trumpet, tuba, english horn, flute, oboe, piccolo, clarinet, bassoon, synthesizers, piano, glockenspiel, vibraphone, hammered percussion, music box, tubular bells, bells, agogo, wood blocks, marimba, melodic toms, timpani, taiko drum, backwards cymbals, synth drums, orchestral drum set and choir.