i know that what i'm saying sounds insane, but there's just too much circumstantial evidence. i'm clearly under some kind of surveillance, and they seem to think i need medication - something i thoroughly reject. that much is clear enough. but, would they medicate my food without my knowledge? i've told them i won't take anything, and the effects are clear enough -- whenever i go out anywhere and come back in, i experience these horrible effects, and they fade when i stay in for a bit. they otherwise don't seem to come up. so, it's either some kind of coincidence or something about leaving the house is causing these horrible feelings. unless it's the air outside...

i've posted here many times about the evidence left behind by somebody that is coming in here when i'm gone, some of it more disgusting than others. they seem insistent on searching my cupboards; i think they're looking for illegal drugs, maybe even out of concerns about interactions. i dunno. they're clearly looking for something. they also tend to search my fridge when i'm gone, and i think they're also looking for drugs in the fridge. i don't even know what drugs you'd keep in the fridge. i've gone out and come back and realized somebody rifled through my spoon drawer...that, i at least understand, because i remember coming across burnt spoons that my mother used for heroin.

i've never done any kind of opiates, and would probably hurt you if you ever offered me any. you would want to run, trust me. i've turned down cocaine repeatedly, but i've never tried it; i'm not vicious about rejecting cocaine, but i don't have any interest in it, either. i would get very angry with you if you offered me meth, though. i've never done mdma, but i'm open to it, in theory. i've smoked marijuana and tried some psychedelic drugs, but it's been a long time since i've done the latter and i might never do it ever again. i haven't had any alcohol at all since march of last year, but i haven't sworn off of it, i just don't like to drink alone. there's an almost full bottle of vodka in the cupboard...

i don't know what they're giving me, but sometimes it feels like a mushroom trip and sometimes it feels like too much coffee. those are my reference points - that's what i actually understand.