and, again - what happened with sarah is that i dumped her because she refused to commit to a monogamous relationship. there was some mutuality around the issue, but, at the end of the day, i'm the one that did the walking, and she's the one that did the begging.

we got a place together in mid 2004. i was a student; she was...she said she was a waitress, but she tended to have a lot of extra cash, and the diner she worked at had a strip club downstairs. it's not like i would have judged her for that - i would have recognized her autonomy, and her rights to make her own decisions - but she would have been embarrassed about telling me. so, i never brought it up. but, i knew, and she knew i knew. and, at the end of the day, i'm certain that it was at the crux of the actual problem.

we borrowed money from each other over the years we knew each other; i initially had some extra cash saved away and lent it to her to help her save money to go to bc (and then ended up going with her), and she fronted me a little money while i was doing odd jobs over the summer, before the student loan came in over september. it balanced out, in the end. really. i gave her a chunk of cash in september, and she used it to buy a bicycle.

so, she came to me one day and said "i want an open relationship, now". in truth, she'd been sleeping with several other people over the time we were dating, including some people i introduced her to, while i was absolutely monogamous. and, i told her "no, i can't deal with that". but, what i couldn't deal with was her disappearing on random weekends, and spending all of that time alone.

what she wanted was a roommate with benefits, and my skin was far too thin to deal with that.

so, i gave the landlord three months, unilaterally dissolved the lease and told her i was moving out.

she initially refused to accept this, because she thought i'd never leave her - she took me for granted. but, i was fed up. i wanted to stay friends, but i couldn't live with her any more, not with her lifestyle choices. like, she didn't like to use condoms - which is why she accidentally got impregnated a few months later. oops.

i kept telling her "sarah, i'm moving on feb 1st. what are you doing?" and she refused to believe i was moving until the truck showed up. she just kept saying "you're not really moving, you wouldn't do that.".

and, yet i did do that.

and, predictably, she showed up at my apartment door in mid-february, looking to move in. i actually had no choice but to decline, as my co-signer (my dad) made it a condition to refuse her entry. she stayed a few nights in my new place, and managed to seduce me in the communal sauna in front of some elderly tenants who gave me smirks for months, but she ended up in a rooming house, in the end.

so, what does that suggest?

she was bluffing.

but, i was fed up...

we were still having sex for years afterwards, too; she didn't cut me off until i went back on hormones, which is when she finally gave up.

so, there was the time i bought her fajitas and talked her into eating protein, when she was pregnant. there was the time when she asked me to bring her flour, and i brought her flowers (which she kept on her kitchen table for years, to the enragement of her boyfriend). there was the time we went for a walk through the tulip festival, and the time she brought me to the family lunch at the clocktower on her birthday, to the stern consternation of her father, who thought they'd gotten rid of me years ago. and many other times...

like, we strung each other along for years.

i don't know what stories are floating around out there, but when your ex calls you for lunch four or five years after you've broken up, she's still feeling something, there.

i couldn't handle the kids - and she had two of them, last i checked in, neither of which are mine, as far as i can tell (although the first was named after me, and she also asked me to be her godfather, which i declined). i just did not want kids, and had the decency to be crystal clear that making the decision to have and raise kids meant she would need to find a partner willing to do it with her. everything else aside, it was a non-starter, end of story, game over. and, you can call me names, but i think i have self-determination here, and she never really seemed to be angry with me about it...

....until i went back on hormones.

that was her red line. clearly.