i'm glad i got a nice walk in today, at least. judging from last year, talk of "last nice day of the year" doesn't really apply to windsor. we'll get days in the mid teens throughout the winter, here. it'll rain significantly through each of the winter months. the severity of the weather seems to be defined by the severity of the air masses moving south, with a moderately mild climate in between. that is to say that the average winter day here really hovers around 0, and we only get worse than that when we get blasted by that north wind - but we'll also get much, much nicer than that when humid air masses come from the south. that's a big difference from ottawa, where you can expect week long blasts of -30 in between weeks of highs around -10. but it may be the last day of 20+ weather for a while, so i'm glad i got out to enjoy it. even if i had to deal with some rain...

the rest of the day was a bit more frustrating.

i started with the odsp worker. she wasn't able to suggest a doctor, and even seemed somewhat taken aback by the suggestion, as though it was a corrupt request. after some prodding, i got the suggestion of trying the canadian association for mental health, as they may have better leads.

i spent a while talking to somebody there and the conclusion was twofold.

1) camh is indeed probably my best bet - certainly a better idea than randomly keying in on specific doctors. however,
2) i need to go through a lengthy process of analysis.

i have no doubt that i'm easily diagnosed, if you give me the proper session time. it's actually probably the best approach forward from a larger perspective, as once i get that more serious diagnosis it'll stick with me permanently. i want to get the fucking paperwork done and move on, but i need to be patient about it.

so it means i'm looking at what will probably be weekly sessions for the next few months and not having this worked out until the last minute. i won't be able to see an actual physician that can fill out the papers until jan 12, which is a day before i need to get them in.

if it works out, it's kind of perfect because i wanted to wait until the last minute, anyways. but if it doesn't work out this is probably the end of me...

again: i need to not let it stress me out too much, and just keep my head in the tunes. i just need to make some phone calls tomorrow, and then i should have it off my mind for a while.

i just hope they're not thinking that putting it to the last minute is going to alter my behaviour, because it isn't.

i've expressed myself clearly. i don't think the guy i was speaking to today was really taking me seriously. i think a substantial part of the diagnosis presenting itself needs to exist in believing me when i say this is it - this gets done, or i'm dead.

the moment that logical process is understood as more than a hollow threat is the moment a pathology is established.

the annoying thing about it is it always takes the same form "you should have a good job and be making significant money. you have so much potential. you're too smart to off yourself.". what has to be understood is that the reality is "no amount of income is sufficient to compensate for time wasted in employment. when presented with that choice, i'm too smart to not kill myself.".

the other thing is like....if i think the first couple of sessions are a waste of time, i won't bother completing them, i'll just set the gears in motion....

it's this or broke, really. there's not another option.

i'm resigned to this. i need to try, but i'm not confident in the outcome.