i can hear the roaches scratching around behind the barriers i put up. i guess that means they're working. but it'd be nice if they'd get the hint and go away, now.

this is such bullshit.

they're keeping the fisherman out because they're doing military testing, possible even testing nukes.

http://www.techtimes.com/articles/8679/20140617/pacific-ocean-tiny-island-focus-of-commercial-fishing-ban.htm

obviously. that's why they're supporting isis.

http://www.counterpunch.org/2014/06/19/obama-wants-maliki-out/

it's saudi money and american weapons. no us airstrikes are likely.

the iraqis played both sides and got burned.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/middle_east/iraq-urges-us-airstrikes-as-insurgents-press-offensive/2014/06/19/51b0ef07-f5cd-4eb5-8260-1ab75c2d2ee4_story.html

head cleared, decision clarified, expecting the worst, resolved to get as much music done between now and september as i can.

that means i'm not thinking about it between now and then or wasting my time with it.

i just want to get the logic down somewhere for when (if) they find the body.

1) it does not appear as though i am going to have my disability renewed.
2) therefore, i will be unable to pay rent.
3) therefore, i will lose my studio. again.
4) i have nowhere else to store my studio.
5) therefore, i will have no way to save my studio if i am unable to pay rent to house it.
6) humans need a purpose to continue to exist and whither away without one. i have categorically rejected most accepted purposes for existence as not interesting (children, "career", partner, family, etc.). the one purpose i have is recording.
7) therefore, losing my studio would also be losing my purpose to exist.
8) therefore, i would no longer have a will to exist.
9) therefore, suicide will become desirable.

note that, questions of the desirability of labour aside, the chances of me finding employment here or elsewhere are approaching zero. i haven't had a job of any sort since 2011 and i haven't had a full time job since 2008. i have also consistently been fired from every job i've had since 2008 for being unable to show up on time. i see no use in pretending that i will be able to support myself when the evidence is abundantly clear that i will not be able to.

it follows that i'm better off maximizing the recording time i have left than i am wasting my time trying and failing to find a job i'd be fired from within a few weeks, anyways.

...or neuroticizing over a way out. there isn't one.

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/julian-baggini-suicide-can-be-a-rational-choice-1912358.html