so, i wanted to get some things done today, but instead slept for a solid 12 hours.

i'll need to plan to be at the doctor's office to pick up the new bloodwork sheets early on monday morning. there's no possibility that i'm giving them a sheet that says that i've recently had sex with a female.

the fundamental fact is that it simply isn't true. i really don't think i've had sex with a female in at least 12 years, and if i have, it was blacked out and not consensual. that is, if some female thinks they've had sex with me recently, then i want them charged with rape, because i would not have consented in a sober state. it would not be difficult to find women i've turned down in both detroit and in windsor over the last five years; there's at least ten of them that i've rejected. and, i simply don't know why it wasn't obvious to them that i wasn't interested from the start. i make a very clear effort to present myself as female-identifying, and that should make it rather clear that i'm really not into sex with women.

but, what i can say? the world's an irrational place.

yet, i'm legitimately worried about the information being misconstrued. if a cop were to pull the file, they might try to use it as evidence that i'm not really queer. my perception of the situation is that i was arrested for my gender expression, under the argument that it is evidence i'm some kind of pervert. this is the actual reality for queer people in canada in 2019, despite the popular perception.

so, it's not trivial and i need this changed before i get any bloodwork done. i need the doctor to put my letter in my file and i need him to change the record on his machine, and print it out for me.

if i can't get a hold of him before next week, i'll show up to my next appointment and explain it to him in his office.

for the weekend, i know i said i was working on the law suit, but i need to plan a trip to london or toronto around the concert listings, so my primary goal is actually catching up on the shows listings. it will only be once i'm a little bit ahead in the list that i'll be able to seriously focus on the legal proceedings.

it's going to be an epic process to serve everybody..

but, i at least have the pieces put together to file everything all at once.

so, that's the weekend, if i can stay awake - sorting through show listings to plan a trip to london and/or toronto to file.

the weather remains terrible.

and, yes - it's hot everywhere else, right now. i get that.

it's cold here, though.

and, that's what i was saying - you get this combination of warming from the carbon everywhere else, but canada, and especially eastern canada, stuck behind this falling jet stream as a consequence of decreased solar output. it's just a function of where we are on the planet, a function of being in the north on the tilt.

so, we'll be up here shivering while the americans are burning....

so, what's going on with this?

it's those damned h-es.  both of them. they're evil.

things will get better when those high pressure systems break up or otherwise just go away, which should be soon right?

alas...

this is what i was saying about understanding this being more like imagining magnets hovering around the earth. that jet stream is not unfamiliar - we see it all of the time. in january. summer is defined by a jet stream that runs over the northwest territories, not a winter blocking pattern like this.

here's the trick: the reason this happens in the winter is that the amount of sunlight decreases over the northern hemisphere, due to the tilt in the earth's axis. you don't want to think of it in terms of tsi, though, it's more about the ultraviolet radiation hitting the earth's surfaces and rippling outwards, creating waves and fields and ultimately low pressure systems in the northern hemisphere. that giant h over greenland is the actual reason we have winter in canada, meaning the sun is only the indirect cause.

and, this is the kind of thing you see at a local solar minimum. yes, we're tilting back towards the sun, as we do every year, but the fact that the sun has turned itself down means we're getting the same kind of behaviour in the atmosphere that you see in the winter, even as we're tilting back.

there's lots of things that could happen to break the h up, even a hurricane.

but, if the dominant factor remains the sun, that giant h could be there for a while - and this could be a shitty summer.

i believe that the correct way to do this should be to make an access request through the province or through the feds.

the cops should not be in charge of this...the law is correct.

i also got the denial on the freedom of information request from the province yesterday. the guy on the phone said he couldn't find the file; they sent it back to me, without cashing the check.

so, to recap:

1) the feds can't get the information because it's presented by a provincial institution.
2) the province denied the request, claiming i need to work through the police.
3) the police are prohibited by law from providing the information i want. this is recent.

i am going to send all of this information to the feds, so they can see the situation that is unfolding. but, i will need to file the appeal through the provincial fippa act - which is the actual reason i made the request.

that should have said september, not spring.

meh.

my name is jessica (jason) parent. i had an appointment with dr. ********** on may 2 @ 13:00. i am faxing to the office to request a change to a form that was made, and while this may seem trivial, i’ve recently learned that it is important that my medical records be kept accurate and up-to-date, as hostile actors may decide to use it against me. and, for that reason, i would like this fax to be kept in my file. i may be the victim of some ongoing police or other government harassment; i have an ongoing investigation into a member of the windsor police department that is seeking his termination for harassing me, and that i intend to win. i don’t want any misinformation to make it’s way to court.

for that reason, i’m going to be explicit about this - i am talking through reception here and to the file. i apologize if it’s tmi.

in the course of a conversation with dr. ************, he questioned my sexual history, and i was honest and blunt with him: my last recollection of a consensual encounter was indeed with a female some time around 2006 or 2007. i’ve forgotten the date. i have had some concerns about blackouts since and will get to this, but any sex i’ve had since has not been consensual on my behalf. there was lingering sexual contact from a romantic relationship over the period between 2002-2005, that incidentally ended largely under the mutual understanding that i was “gay”. sex with this partner generally took the form of me fantasizing about her in a male role and even of her physically humping me; in the end, neither of us found this satisfying, and we realized we both had to move on.

i had not had sex with anybody at all before i met this person, and have not had conscious or consensual sex with anybody at all since. so, i have had a total of one consensual sex partner in my life, roughly in the years 2002-2007, with a relationship over 2002-2005 and some lingering sex afterwards.

my experience with heterosexual sex over this period was an experiment that was initiated on her behalf. she knew that i identified as transgendered and had a desire to detransition me and convert me back, although she initially approached me with the intent of accepting me as female. i fell for a bait and switch; i wouldn’t have gotten involved with her on the basis of the relationship being heterosexual, but i found myself overcome with the emotions of losing my virginity once i did, and it took me a long time to pull away as a result of it. i wanted her to accept me as female right up until the very end. the lesson we learned from this process is that she actually failed at this task - she did not detransition me, she did not “turn me straight” and i was neither interested nor able to have satisfying sex with her in a male role, as she desired. all i could do for years was imagine her as male, and all i wanted from her was acceptance as a female. so, we tried the experiment and learned from it - a heterosexual male gender role is not the right thing for me. i have had absolutely no interest at all in a heterosexual relationship with anybody else, since.

however, the reason i have not had any sex at all since, inside or outside a relationship, is not due to a lack of interest or opportunity. rather, i made a decision around 2009 or 2010 (again, this was a long time ago, now) that i would refrain from any kind of sexual behaviour until after i’d completed a vaginoplasty; my abstinence is ideological, and no amount of opportunity is ever going to reverse it. i decided a long time ago that it is not possible for me to have satisfying sex within the confines of a male gender role, and have consciously chosen abstinence in order to deal with this. in this period, i have explicitly turned down both men and women for sex.

i should also point out that dr. ********* is aware that i take 100 mg of cyproterone acetate daily, an amount that makes my ability to carry through with a male sexual function nearly impossible. it’s not completely impossible, i do get random erections, mostly during sleep, but i’m essentially impossible to arouse upon command - i have absolutely no sex drive, whatsoever. i am certainly unable to ejaculate, and have been for years. while i can’t say for sure because i haven’t tried, i would probably be unable to have sex with a female at this point, and have probably been unable to for many years. i have also made multiple requests for an orchiectomy, although i have been unable to find a doctor willing to do it. i am hoping to pick this back up again this year.

for all of these reasons, i’m somewhat surprised that dr. ********* filled out “sex with female” as a risk category for hiv exposure. i guess he may have misunderstood me. while i suspect that i may have had sex in a blackout space with a male in the spring of 2016, i nowhere indicated to him that i have recently had sex with a female - and have no reason to think that i have, for all the reasons i’ve pointed out.

the reason i think i may have had blackout sex with a male in the spring of 2016 is that i woke up in the front seat of a car after blacking out, and when i woke up there was a male that was actively trying to have sex with me. i would not classify my memory of the incident as constituting assault on his behalf; it was more of a verbal process. i had been drinking at a dance club in detroit, but not too much, and think i blacked out because i was drugged. i have no evidence of being drugged, besides suspicion around the amount of alcohol being too low to black me out. i declined sex with this male when i woke up. but, i noticed swelling around my anus, and have a missing period of a few hours, so i came in for hiv testing, which eventually came clean.

i do not want it stated in my medical records that i believe i have recently had sex with a female - i will categorically state again that i do not believe i have recently had sex with a female, nor do i think that such a thing would be physically possible when blacked out from alcohol. if i’m unable to get an erection on command sober, i don’t see how i could get one drunk.

for this reason, i would like dr. *********** to correct the blood labwork that he printed out for me yesterday to state “sex with male” in the risk category, as that is what we are testing for. as mentioned, i think this is important for legal reasons, and not as trivial as it may appear on first glance; i have reasons to fear being set up.

i would like to pick up the new print out later in the afternoon and would appreciate a response either to death.to.koalas@gmail.com or a voicemail left at 5199161358. i cannot be reached directly by phone and cannot get through to your office over google voice.

jason kenney will not be on the ballot in october.

i'm going to evaluate the pmo on it's record, and the fact is that it's not very good.

"why am i here?" is actually just a stupid question. and, yes, there are stupid questions.

the question is rooted in the premise that there's some external force that created you, and defined your purpose and being. it then follows that answering the question of "why you're here" would come from getting a better understanding of whatever this external force is.

but, there is no such external force. and, if you fully grasp that, then you wouldn't ask the question of why you're here, because it would be incoherently defined.

a better question to ask is "what do i want out of life?". that shifts the premise from the false assumption that something created and defines you, and to the more modernist assumption that you're actually on your own in the universe, and need to figure that shit out yourself.

If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about answers.