he's the only doctor in town i can deal with.

and, probably the only one for miles and miles.

the reason i didn't ask for a dose increase last year was that i decided to get the orchiectomy, instead. so, i waited. and waited.

he didn't even fucking mail it.

i should have just asked for the dose increase; i'd probably have avoided the year's worth of difficulty focusing. and, i'm almost certain that's what i'm doing.

i had a doctor's appointment today after getting my blood taken a few weeks ago.

my vitals are, as usual, outstanding. but, the t-blockers are decreasing their effectiveness in an increasingly worrying direction, and i found out that he didn't even send the fucking letter to the surgeon, yet.

i noticed this intuitively, to start with, and i actually think it's at the root cause of the problems i'm having with drowsiness and focus. i was feeling anxious and angry and frustrated, and thought i was dealing with cortisol issues or even lead poisoning. but, then i realized my testosterone was going up.

it was at 0.1 four years ago, .2 two years ago, .4 last year and .8 this year. this is the wrong direction!

but, it's not surprising, either. i'm developing a tolerance to the cyproterone acetate, which is a well understood reality of it.

so, if i'm developing a tolerance to the drug, i can either increase the dosage or i can just cut my testicles out. i desperately want my testicles to be put through a fucking incinerator. i want them gone. forever. but, i can't get a doctor to do it.

it's covered. it's simple. it's fast. but, they won't do it.

i was concerned about increasing the cyproterone due to eventual strain on my liver.

so, the doctor suggested i switch to spironolactone instead, and i said "ok", and i even filled a prescription today, but i'm looking into it and i think this was a stupid suggestion.

to begin with, clinical studies seem to suggest that the spironolactone is less effective than the cyproterone acetate, at the dosages i've been prescribed - with the spiro only reducing levels to 2.0, and the cyproterone generally coming in around the 0.8 i'm currently at. so, if i'm trying to get my testosterone back down to .1, the spiro seems unlikely to do it. it's probably going to actually increase it, from what i can see.

second, the spiro seems to reduce hdl, whereas the cyproterone seems to increase it. the doctor is consistently amazed at my cholesterol levels. the cyproterone - which he doesn't usually prescribe - may have something to do with it.

worse, the spiro is often prescribed for heart conditions, which is something i'm not sure i want to fuck with. the cyproterone is simply a safer drug at high concentrations. so, if i'm concerned about complications from high concentrations, moving me to spiro is backwards.

i'm going to do some more research, but i'm leaning heavily towards tossing the spiro and asking him to just boost my cyproterone instead. i'm only taking 100, which is usually considered a maximum dose for trans patients, but appears to be substantively below levels where liver complications are a serious problem.

this is the end of this for a while, as i pivot back into period three.

but, here is the complete readable archive of this blog for the first reconstruction phase, from july, 2013 to january, 2014, and for the other three, as well.

the second reconstruction phase ran from february 1, 2014 to the end of june, 2015, when i looped back around to remaster the inri material from source. while the politics and music journal sites are largely reconstructed over this period, i do not intend to get back to rebuilding the travel or dtk blogs in any systematic matter or doing music journal releases until (1) i am in a comfortable flow with the alter-reality and (2) i am finished with period three, which ran roughly from the time i got back from bc in 2003 to the time i moved into the apartment on bronson in 2007. journal releases for the foreseeable future are going to be dated from 1988 or 1989 forwards.

so, that's what's coming up.

but, i need to get through another 11 liner note releases, and update at least inri022, probably others. the coming re-releases are inri031-inri034, inri036-inri041 and inri045.

http://books.noisetrade.com/j/072013-012014-dsdfghghfsdflgkfgkja
http://books.noisetrade.com/j/072013-012014-music-journal
http://books.noisetrade.com/j/072013-012014-travel-blog
http://books.noisetrade.com/j/072013-012014-deathtokoalas

https://www.lulu.com/en/ca/shop/jessica-murray/full-first-reconstruction-phase-travel-blog/ebook/product-nm4jeq.html
https://www.lulu.com/en/ca/shop/jessica-murray/full-first-reconstruction-phase-deathtokoalas-blog/ebook/product-zrgr94.html
https://www.lulu.com/en/ca/shop/jessica-murray/full-first-reconstruction-phase-dsdfghghfsdflgkfgkja-blog/ebook/product-qg9g54.html
https://www.lulu.com/en/ca/shop/jessica-murray/full-first-reconstruction-phase-music-journal/ebook/product-p5v576.html

i was extra thorough, but i am now satisfied with it.

here are the noise trade smashwords links to the readable versions of the january, 2014 archives of each of the four blogs, including this one:

http://books.noisetrade.com/j/012014-dsdfghghfsdflgkfgkja
http://books.noisetrade.com/j/012014-music-journal
http://books.noisetrade.com/j/012014-travel-blog
http://books.noisetrade.com/j/012014-deathtokoalas

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1026654  (music)
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1026655  (politics)
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1026658  (deathtokoalas)
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1026660  (travel; full first reconstruction phase)

and, while i'm at it, somebody tell trudeau to take a fucking bath.

gross.

we're in irreversible decline.

freefall.

collapse.

it's what mr. trudeau and his neo-liberal douchebag friends always say, right?

there's winners and losers in the new global order. somehow, they've missed the obvious....

canada's a loser.

the biggest loser out there, in fact.

what happened?

canada has been a major loser in the globalization process.

well, unless you're a shareholder that lives in canada. of course.

the actual g7 is:

1. united states
2. china
3. japan
4. germany
5. india
6. france
7. united kingdom

the countries that don't belong there are canada and italy. but, italy can get in with the 8th seed if you want to be more generous.

8. italy

is canada next? no. it's brazil.

9. brazil

then canada.

10. canada
11. russia

however, russia is growing at a much faster rate than we are and will pass us within a year or two.

so, keep trying to exclude others, canada - you're just ensuring your own irrelevance, in the long run.

if small, unimportant countries like canada want to insist on excluding the russians from international meetings, i would suggest that the larger players move to erect parallel bodies where they can engage in a more constructive dialogue without us.

they should invite the chinese, as well.

it's been years since we've had a nice, hot summer in this area of the world.

and i'm going to have to spend it sitting inside fighting with the fucking a/c :(.

with the return of the sun, let's hope the oscillations flip and it's even more humid next year. i want it to hit 20 degrees on april 1st and stay above it nonstop until nov 1st, even overnight.

it seems like i'm just going to have to postpone my 40th birthday until next year, i guess.

https://www.theweathernetwork.com/ca/news/article/canada-2020-summer-forecast

as usual, dion was right, and his leadership is sorely missed in this dark time of dubya lite.

when am i going to give up on the liberals and just accept that they're gone forever?

but, this was not a long time ago, and it makes you long for better days with more intelligent leaders.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/dion-foreign-policy-russia-1.3510941

i agree with trump on this point, and think the decision to expel them in the first place was foolish.

canada's longterm interests are best realized by expanding ties with a country that probably has more in common with canada than any other country in the world, has been there for centuries and isn't going anywhere any time soon. i thought the russians were in trouble around 2014, but they surprised me.

the russians are not our enemies, and do not want to be our enemies. it's time we stopped pretending they are, and started focusing more on containing countries with truly alien, hostile, incompatible cultures - like the saudis.

aimlessly flailing against moscow is simply not acting in our self-interest, and never was.

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-52885178