and nick cave can go fuck himself.

my immediate family came to understand, eventually, that the best birthday present they could give me is to not bother me on my birthday.

i've always absolutely hated birthdays, and absolutely hated birthday parties. i didn't want to be the centre of attention. i didn't want to be special. i wanted to blend in with the furniture and for my family to fuck off and leave me alone.

i have pictures of me at birthdays when i was under ten, and i'm frowning or crying in all of them. i really hated it. i found it traumatic to be expected to interact with all of these people i mostly didn't like.

as i grew older, i wouldn't celebrate anybody's birthday, or religious holidays, or hallmark holidays, or calendar events or anything. starting around the age of 13 or 14, i would lock myself in my room on every possible event - other people's holidays, my holidays, whatever. family would come over, and i would wait inside until they left, and come out after dark to get leftovers. it didn't matter what the event was.

i've never had a lot of friends, but nobody ever knew when my birthday was, because i never had birthday parties. i wouldn't even tell anybody. i didn't want anybody to know.

i'm 45 today and i still hate birthdays and i still want people to go away and fuck off.