i've always absolutely hated birthdays, and absolutely hated birthday parties. i didn't want to be the centre of attention. i didn't want to be special. i wanted to blend in with the furniture and for my family to fuck off and leave me alone.

i have pictures of me at birthdays when i was under ten, and i'm frowning or crying in all of them. i really hated it. i found it traumatic to be expected to interact with all of these people i mostly didn't like.

as i grew older, i wouldn't celebrate anybody's birthday, or religious holidays, or hallmark holidays, or calendar events or anything. starting around the age of 13 or 14, i would lock myself in my room on every possible event - other people's holidays, my holidays, whatever. family would come over, and i would wait inside until they left, and come out after dark to get leftovers. it didn't matter what the event was.

i've never had a lot of friends, but nobody ever knew when my birthday was, because i never had birthday parties. i wouldn't even tell anybody. i didn't want anybody to know.

i'm 45 today and i still hate birthdays and i still want people to go away and fuck off.