i think it's $16 for the g1.

that's just the written test, which i think is mostly common sense. but, it gets me the card, and that's what i need.

again: i have never passed a driving test, or even ever really driven a car before. i have never driven a car by myself. and i have no interest in learning...

so, i'll call about that in the next few days, too.

i did have a g1 at one point, but the cops stole it, probably illegally, for driving my bicycle on the sidewalk. it took me years to pay off the fine, but i did do it, eventually. i never got the license back, though.

i think they thought they were sticking it to me, but the reality is that i had no use for the thing.

so, i made some calls.

- the hrto got my email. good
- there's still no evidence that the landlord has filed anything at the board.
- that td card did actually get cancelled years ago due to an rts.
- i talked to a few people in detroit about accounts, but they seemed to want a passport and a driver's license. what i have is a sin card, a health card, a birth certificate and a nexus card. i have no interest in driving, but how much does it cost to get a g1 nowadays? is that enough? i'll try again in a day or two.

*shrug*.

i'm going to get to building these documents up - as mentioned, i should be done in a few hours, if i can stay awake.

ok.

so, i would have until christmas, by my count, to serve and file four things. but, why wait?

could i have done this when i was there? if i wanted to spend $100 on printing, maybe. and, this is going to be an issue, regardless.

sorting through it, i don't think it's going to take long to get finished. a night. maybe two. so, i'm going to put it aside until tonight and make some calls, instead.

do i need to go to toronto?

do i want to go to toronto?

what else is happening this month? i've got plaid, and snow, so far. let's see if i like the new joy formidable or not...

obviously, that's the safest option.

so, maybe i am self-medicating, after all.

but, if i am, it's with caffeine.

i always tell people that i don't have symptoms of depression. i've never been diagnosed with depression, either. i've never gone to a specialist with the concerns that i'm depressed. i've never complained to people around me about it.

i legitimately have absolutely no clinical history of depression at all, whatsoever.

it tends to throw people off - i'm in many ways the classic depression sufferer. it is true that the only way i can handle being in public is to get shitfaced, but it's also true that i cherish my sobriety when i'm by myself. so, they're only getting a skewed interpretation of me. if they spent time with me in a more intimate setting, they'd get an entirely different perspective of me. but, the caveat is that i'd never allow for it - i keep people at a large emotional distance, and with a clear intent to do so.

so, if i'm talking with a doctor, it always comes with a caveat - that i don't think i'm depressed but, if i was, how would i actually know? i don't think i suffer from depression, and i'll defend the point. but, if i do suffer from depression, it's so profound that i don't realize it, because it's so deep-rooted that i don't have anything to contrast it against it. a person that's never experienced happiness wouldn't be able to identify their depression. maybe that's the actual truth of it.

but, i don't tend to take the idea seriously, because, to the extent that it might be true, what does articulating it actually accomplish? my life has not been so horrible as to deny me any experiences of pleasure. if i'm actually suffering from an inability to experience happiness, the root cause of it would be something in the realm of a personality disorder - clinical psychopathy, or, perhaps, something in the asperger's spectrum. i'm more likely to lean towards the idea that i'm a sociopath than the idea that i'm clinically depressed.

but, i'm not diagnosed with anything substantive. at all.

what i can state with some certainty is that i don't think that drugs that act as depressants or sedatives are going to do anything but make the situation worse. i don't complain that i can't focus, or that i have too much energy that i can't control - i complain that i'm tired and lethargic and unable to get going. if i need to take anything on a daily basis, it would be some kind of stimulant to give me more energy.

but, like i say, i'm generally happy with coffee, so long as it's not being counteracted, as it so often is.

i ended up sleeping all morning, and i'm still feeling tired, so i've wasted most of the last week, at this point, and i'm not happy about it.

i need to do this in order - i need to get the divisional court stuff done first, and then make some calls tomorrow, i guess.