sarah went after me, i didn't go after her.

and, i'd have normally rejected her, but she got me in a singular weak point, when i was just going into transition.

she explicitly asked me to experiment, and i said "ok, i'll try".

she hooked me on an emotional level, not a sexual one. and, i just didn't have the maturity to deal with it.

i spent the first 21 years of my life completely single. when i met sarah, i wasn't just a virgin, i was somebody that had never experienced a kiss, had never been on a date, and had never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. i had absolutely no sexual or romantic experience with anybody at all, whatsoever. in fact, i barely even had any friends - i could count the number of people i'd called a friend since elementary school on one hand.

i then went through a phase with sarah that lasted about 36 months and left me entirely disinterested in women as lovers.

i have neither had sex nor romance since. and, i don't expect i will ever again.

i was primarily attracted to men, sexually, the whole time, i just didn't know how to process it. i didn't feel like a "gay man", i felt more like a woman. so, i broadly resisted my urges, under the argument that i would't really be able to satisfy them. anal sex just struck me as a bad compromise. it wasn't what i actually fantasized about or what i actually wanted.

i guess i'm a perfectionist in a lot of ways; if i can't get exactly what i want, i don't bother. and, i knew i couldn't get what i wanted, so i waited. and waited.

i would rather be sexless, at this point; that's a choice i made a long time ago, and one i want to follow through with. my desires have not altered, and i'm not changing what i want. don't think i'm giving up. even if forced to detransition, my end goal will remain surgical castration. it's not just sex that i find unappealing, but sexuality, itself.

but, i may have to face the facts in front of me for the near future: i am going to be unable to suppress my testosterone, whether i like it or not.

and, i'll have to decide whether i want to experience that or not, as it happens.

i've never been gay or identified as gay, but it seems like the government has made this choice for me, and i'm going to have to learn how to figure it out.

just give me some space and some time to adjust to it.

i have absolutely no desire to go through with this, and no apparent choice in the matter.

so, what's going to happen if i detransition against my will, and don't have the courage to kill myself?

1) if you're a ciswomen, do not talk to me. i am likely to become violent and aggressive with you. i may very well harm you. i don't want you to hit on me. i don't want to be your friend. i want you to leave me alone until i can figure out how to adjust. it could be a very, very long time before i'm able to deal with this.
2) if you're a gay man, i may be more open to communicating with you, but you have to understand that i'm a total sub.

what i'm going to do is go out of my way to avoid people.

and, the feds may get what they want - i may walk around in a ski mask, because i'm too embarrassed to show my face in public.

i lost my tabs on an unwanted reboot, but i was cleaning them up before it happened.

so, final thoughts on flavonols are...

1) like most things, you want to eat them with a little fat. so, putting ice cream in my fruit bowl helps with absorption. i already knew that, though.
2) you want to avoid eating them with animal protein, as they may bind to it. you want these things to get in your system in a way that they're able to bind to open electrons, so you don't want them to bind to animal proteins, first.
3) while there may be certain things that can be done to these molecules to increase absorption, information as to what is naturally available appears to be scarce. aglycones appear to exist in some unknown ratio in most foods that have flavonols, and methylation appears to occur in unclear concentrations. these are ideas i should look at on a flavonoid-by-flavonoid basis.

i went from being unable to stay awake to being unable to sleep and i wish i understood the factors underlying it, besides my hormones fluctuating, which i just can't avoid, because i'm not getting sufficient access to care. i'm noticing some unwanted effects of cutting back on the t-blockers, and i can't do anything about it but hide inside, cry by myself and try to get a hold of a surgeon. but, over the last 12 hours or so, i'm noticing rising levels of angry, depressive and violent thoughts along with extreme difficulties focusing. testosterone kills brain cells. so, i don't know what to do, besides point to the fact that i warned everybody about the consequences of detransition, before it happens.

i'm very unhappy right now.

so, i don't know what's next.

what i need to do next, regarding the diet work through, is to connect the various dietary components to actual food sources and try to add it all up. but, i'm not sure i'm in a mental state that's going to allow me to do anything except shiver in the corner and cry.

the only other thing i'd suggest is that those live versions of king kong are really existent in the midpoint between period davis and early doors.

i am not a doors fan - i think they were terrible.

but, i think that ray manzarek's influence on both fusion and progressive rock is rather understated.

early zappa was, in some ways, a parody of the doors. it was zappa that went to town with it and gets most of the credit.

but, it was really the doors that presented the document 0, as it was.

if you ask roger waters, he'll tell you they were initially based on the doors, as well - which is key, as they were the first to do it in the uk.

why do the history books say davis invented fusion then?

because miles davis is the pythagoras of jazz.

he invented everything, even when he didn't, really.

we attribute these things to him, even when he's not truly responsible.

hendrix, however, was not a fusion guitarist.

it's tempting, but he just wasn't. he was a blues guitarist through and through....

of course, who knows what he would have done had he lived past the age of 27, right? he didn't...

for historical purposes, let it be recorded here that this appears to be the earliest example of jazz fusion, as it is understood today, i.e. with guitars. you could make arguments that davis was playing with this style with his work with williams in the "post-bop" style, but there is only one track with a guitar in it on miles in the sky and mclaughlin didn't step in until 1969.

so, yes - it was frank that did it first.

1967:

1968:

however, there is a caveat to this.

mclaughlin was not miles' first choice.

miles wanted hendrix, who couldn't commit.

if miles had talked hendrix into it earlier, he might have gotten this out before frank did, and it might have entirely redefined the concept.

that's not what happened, though - it was frank that did it first, and it's hard not to hear the influence that frank had on what we now call jazz fusion, as a result of it.

68 years is a long time.

i couldn't imagine that kind of loss.

https://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2020/09/13/aline-chretien-wife-of-former-pm-jean-chretien-dead-at-84.html

in hindsight, this is just comical, nowadays.

i'll never get over this, and shouldn't. really.

...and, i just seem to have shit out some capsicum seeds. how 'bout that.

i didn't do a thorough survey, but, by eyeing it, i'd say the seeds came out at about 20% of the volume they came in at. so, i guess there's some chance that my stomach sucked out the good parts and spat out the cellulose, but it seems to be more likely that it just couldn't do much with them, and any shrinkage is just from acidification.

so, i'll try grinding them next time and see what happens.

there's a few early prog tracks that my interpretation of eulogy is probably unconsciously built on.

if you're familiar with early genesis, you know how much of a big influence they were on early tool, in terms of song structure. one can't help but wonder if this early gabriel tune may have been a direct influence, if my interpretation has any value. the ending section at 7:00 or so is very, very tool - and something genesis did over and over again for years.

this appropriation of english medieval language was kind of a common theme in genesis. 

while a little different, this is basically a tool song with keyboards:

so is this, although you need to get through the early tapping workout first (which van halen has credited as being influential on him):

this is also basically a tool song, with keyboards, or at least starts off as one, although nobody plays guitar like this guy. nobody.

so, people cite crimson, but i think that's more of a drumming thing. really. crimson never did anything quite like tool, but you could often mistake genesis for tool.

anyways, the point i'm making is that there's some context, here, it's not random.

i appear to be awake this morning, which is a nice change.

i'm just getting around to this now.

the last two records have been disappointing, to say the least.

so, is this a return to form, or stasis in boringness?

let's find out.

they were at the peak of their powers about 2003-2010, and they were truly outstanding, when they were.

punk moves in waves.

you could say i hit them when they come in, and go looking for mostly instrumental music when the tide's out.

i always interpreted eulogy as being an anti-war song, and i think it may be the most powerful anti-war song i've ever heard. their fan base tends to interpret it differently.

would you die for me?
don't you fucking lie.
don't you step out of line.
you've claimed all this time that you would die for me
why then are you so surprised when you hear your own eulogy?

yeah, maybe that could be about jesus. or something.

it makes more sense to me that it's about the united states marines.

and, of course, aenema is a vicious attack on hollywood and contemporary mainstream culture....

these are viewpoints i found interesting.

his (not so) recent turn towards religion is not interesting to me at all. sorry.

i liked tool when they were angry, critical and mean.

i don't like them since they've become "philosophical", "spiritual" and "deep".

this is the tool i liked:

and, i understand that, if you're a little younger, you might not even recognize that as tool....

....but it's the older version i liked, not the newer version...

and, while i may like to go back in time and meet the old maynard james keenan, i'm not sure i would throw a life jacket at the new maynard james keenan, if i saw him drowning in a lake.

i would probably still get along relatively well with trent reznor c. 1994.

i think i would hate trent reznor if i met him today - i'd just seethe animosity towards him.

what i'll say is that i think we're due for something new and i hope i'll be able to find it.

did i change?

sure.

a little.

but, ideologically speaking, i went in one direction and they went in the exact opposite.

by about 2003/2004, i was listening almost entirely to what became labelled "post-rock", bands like tortoise and gybe!, and a collection of electronic artists that got grouped under the label 'idm', which was centered mostly around the warp records catalogue.

as such, i consider alternative rock to be a mostly 80s phenomenon, that happened as an outgrowth of the punk movement and had completely run it's course well before the year 2000.

the basic idm/post-rock combination remained where my musical brain existed until roughly the year 2010, when i became aware of a punk revival being led by bands like touche amore, screaming females and la dispute. this rekindled an interest in me in a new generation of punk bands, in a period where alternative rock was long dead and both idm & post-rock had become stale. there was some outgrowth in acts like son lux, but the act i was hoping would lead the way forward - 65dayofstatic - seems to have largely evaporated.

the last couple of years have been pretty stale, in terms of new music, and i have't found myself attracted to much of anything. there's been some guitar-driven techno-funk acts like sunsquabi, but not much else. so, i've been mostly exploring music from the past; i've been more excited about beethoven than anything really new.

there's an opportunity here for new music to assert itself, and we'll see what the kids can come up with. i'm trying to get my head around this myself, but i may never solve my living arrangement concerns and, as such, may never finish my discography. sadly.

what i'd like to hear is a more serious fusion of electronic music & classical music, and there's lots of space for guitars in that synthesis. but, we'll see what other people think - and if i like it or think it's worthwhile or not.

styles i'm not likely to get excited about include folk, metal, opera, country, pop and hip-hop. together, that seems to be saturating even independent music circles, right now. but, things will get better in time, they always do.

nine inch nails:

pretty hate machine: B+

broken: A
fixed: A+

march of the pigs: A-
the downward spiral: A-
closer: A+
further down the spiral v1/v2: A+

the perfect drug: A-

the fragile: B   (deviations: A-)
things falling apart: F
still: A+

with teeth: D

year zero: B-  (remixed: C+)
ghosts: B
the slip: D

hesitation marks: C-

trilogy: C  (jessica edit: B+)

do you see the pattern?

we can do this for radiohead, too.

pablo honey: B
the bends: A+
ok computer: A
kid A: B
amnesiac: B+
hail to the thief: C
in rainbows: D
the king of limbs: D
a moon shaped pool: D

and, again, to be clear on a point, regarding tool.

opiate: C-
undertow: B
aenima: A
lateralus: C+
10,00 days: D
fear innoculum: F

the seeds seem to have gone down just fine in the omelette; i didn't even notice they were there. well, i've been eating tomato seeds for years...

i wonder if i should have ground them, though.

i can't find a good answer, but it makes sense.

next time.

this is why i look for paul.

this is such a sober analysis in such a crazy time.

but, let me ask this question: is it worth it to hold your nose? or should we wait for 2024?

https://theanalysis.news/interviews/biden-blurring-almost-everything-thomas-ferguson/

contrary to what the internet claims, though, i can't imagine there's much b12 in the peels :\.

well...

why don't i try to eat the banana peel one more time and see?

i'm going to guess that i'm going to have a hard time finding data on this, but that cooking it is probably just going to ruin it. so, if i'm going to eat it, i should find a way to eat it raw.

i'm just about to make some eggs, and i guess there's just one more thing.

how much of the fruit am i wasting, currently? if i'm ultimately looking for increases in vitamins, should i just eat the rest of the fruit, somehow?

1) strawberries. i currently cut off the tops, and while i don't want to eat the receptacle, i'm considering throwing the tops in the salad. it's just a different type of lettuce, right? if strawberries are full of c, there should be lots in the leaves, too.

2) kiwis. i cut the little receptacle out, but i eat the kiwi skins.

3) bananas. nobody eats the peels, right? this study suggests they're 50% vitamin e. yeah...that maybe solves some problems right there....although, how to eat them without consuming the pesticide is another question. i've tried a few times, and they're legit gross.
https://www.imedpub.com/articles/gcms-analysis-of-bioactive-components-from-banana-peelmusa-sapientum-peel.pdf

4) raspberries & blueberries don't come with leaves on them...

5) i eat the whole tomato.

6) red peppers. i'm going to try to throw the seeds into my omelette and see what happens. again - if the peppers are high in vitamin a, the seeds must be too, right? this confirms that a (of the gamma isomer) and c are both in there, but doesn't explain how much. i could throw them in the salad, as well.

https://www.intechopen.com/books/capsicum/-em-capsicum-em-seeds-as-a-source-of-bioactive-compounds-biological-properties-extraction-systems-an

i've posted this a few times and pulled back but i think i'm done, now.

so, what is the list of everything i need to get?

13 vitamins:
1) A
2) B1 (thiamine)
3) B2 (riboflavin)
4) B3 (niacin)
5) B5 (pantothenic acid)
6) B6.
7) B7 (biotin)
8) B12.
9) Folic acid.
10)  C
11) D
12) E,
13) K

15 amino acids:
1) histidine
2) isoleucine
3) leucine
4) lysine
5) methionine
6) phenylalanine
7) threonine
8) tryptophan
9) valine
10) arginine
11) cysteine
12) glycine
13) glutamine
14) proline
15) tyrosine.

4 fatty acids:
1) linoleic acid
2) ala
3) dha
4) epa

23 minerals:
1) calcium
2) phosphorus
3) potassium
4) sulfur
5) sodium
6) chlorine
7) magnesium
8) iron
9) zinc
10) copper
11) manganese
12) iodine
13) selenium
14) molybdenum
15) chromium
16) fluoride
17) bromine
18) cobalt
19) tin
20) vanadium
21) silicon
22) boron
23) nickel
24) lead?

carotenoids (not including pro-vitamin a)
1) lutein
2) zeaxanthin
3) lycopene
4) phytofluene
5) phytoene
6) astaxanthin
7) capsanthin
8) canthaxanthin
9) cryptoxanthin

chlorophyll:
1) chlorophyll a
2) chlorophyll b

other molecules required for proper metabolic functions:
1) choline (cannot synthesize properly)
2) coQ10
3) lipoic acid
4) glutathione precursors

glucose:
i'm more concerned about diabetes than weight gain, so...
the glycemic index is:
running total...

fiber:
i don't need many different types, i just need some. i'm not worrying about this.

& water

also, let's measure flavonoids:

anthocyanidins:
1) pelargonidin
2) delphinidin
3) cyanidin
4) malvinidin
5) peonidin
6) petunidin
7) rosinidin

flavonols:
1) isorhamnetin
2) kaempferol
3) myricetin
4) quercetin
5) fisetin
6) kaempferide

flavones:
1) luteolin
2) apigenin
3) techtochrysin
4) baicalein (to avoid!)
5) norwogonin
6) wogonin
7) nobiletin

flavanones:
1) eriodictyol
2) hesperetin
3) naringenin
4) hesperidin
5) isosakuranetin
6) pinocembrin
7) sterubin

isoflavones:
1) daidzein
2) genistein
3) glycitein
4) biochanin A
5) formononetin

i should try to measure some further phytoestrogens:
1) matairesinol
2) secoisolariciresinol
3) pinoresinol
4) lariciresinol

5) coumestrol

& finally, let's also measure:
1) saponins
2) ursolic acid (& precursors)
3) cafestol
4) resveratrol
5) ellagic acid
6) coumarin
7) tyrosol
8) hydroxytyrosol
9) oleocanthal
10) oleuropein
11) gingerol
12) phytic acid

so, here's what i'm looking at, let's see what makes the cut in what percentage, in the end....

fruit bowl:
- strawberries
- bananas
- kiwis
- ice cream
- soy milk
+
- blueberries?
- raspberries?
- rosehips (if locatable)

salad bowl:
- red peppers
- tomatoes
- microwaved/chopped broccoli
- chopped carrots
- hemp seeds (ground)
- flax seeds (ground!)
- kalamata olives
- lemon
- garlic cloves
- oregano & pepper
- chopped cheese
- bacon bits
- caesar dressing
+
- broccoli leaves or kale or dandelion leaves?
- red clover (if locatable)
- alfafa?

eggs:
- fried eggs
- cheese
- whole wheat bread (including the germ!)
- olive oil margarine
+
- salami?
- indoor grown tuna or salmon?
- + apple juice? carrot juice? water?

regarding phytosterols...

i'm almost a vegetarian. my total cholesterol levels are exceedingly low, and my ldl:hdl ratio is truly outstanding. the high ratio of plant to animal cholesterol in my diet is the reason why.

that said, it seems to be a reason to increase my vitamin a and vitamin e levels to roughly 200% of the rdi. so, my feeling that i was running low on these vitamins may have been rather astute.

and, that's something vegetarians should be aware of that i was not previously - we focus mostly on the b12. but, you need to get your e and a up, too, because your inherently low hdl levels make it harder to transport them, and you need to overcome that with brute force.

make sure you're eating the right produce to deal with that.