that's almost three months straight edge now, btw.

well, except the second-hand smoke...

this wasn't intentional, but i do plan to remain straight edge until i can get in somewhere. - even if i'm homeless for a few months.

the same thing has happened over and over again.

and, i'm not going to adjust.

i'm just going to remain frustrated.

i don't want to be a hot guy. sorry.

and, then she wondered why i prioritized sitting at home and reading textbooks over going out and chasing her around.

i'm living with a hot girl, and i just want to stay inside and read while she goes out in search of fun?

yes.

because i'm a nerd.

always was.

it's funny, though, because it'e exactly what sarah used to say.

"you make a totally nerdy woman, but you're a really hot guy. so, why don't you be a hot guy instead of a nerdy woman? i don't get it."

what she didn't get is that my personality doesn't change with my haircut. i don't transform from a nerdy woman into a hot guy by taking myself off of estrogen; rather, i convert from a nerdy woman into a nerdy guy.

because i'm a nerd whether i'm on estrogen or not.

and what's happening is that you're deluding yourself: i'm not a hot guy, i'm a nerdy woman.

think of it like this...

if i were really the pothead guy you'd like to pretend i am, would that not transform itself into a very different type of female?

would the female equivalent of the male you imagine i ought to be come off as i actually do? i would think she'd be rather different - more interested in fashion, and current trends and etc.

now, if you interpret me the way i intend you to, i'm actually a pretty nerdy female, aren't i? i usually wear pants & tanktops, or tshirts. not very stylish, really. and, i don't go to the kinds of things that popular girls go to, or have interests that align well with the in group. my female side is positively loserish, right?

so, why would you transform this loserish female side into this dynamic male? wouldn't it actually make more sense to convert the nerdy female i present myself as into a nerdy male counterpart?

but, you just want to see what you want, right?

and, i'll disappoint you all year, if you insist.

i'm not trying to look like a pothead rock star.

i neither create, nor listen to nor even like that kind of music.

i've been clear on this point. over and over again.

i'm trying to look like what i am: a fairly studious, well educated female with a hobby in music.

and, i'll tell you - i wouldn't do it, but it's true....

if i were to cut my hair and wear nerd glasses and polo shirts, you'd just tell me i make a shitty dad - and i would make a shitty dad, because i don't want to raise a family any more than i want to sit around and do drugs.

i neither want a job, nor do i want to be a drunk. yeah, well, it's your preconceptions that are fucked.

i think that the very clear point that i'm trying to get across is that i don't want to hang out with you, either.

i want to spend my time alone with my projects.

i'm sorry that it took such a ridiculous demonstration of this point, but we could have avoided this if you had just listened to me in the first place.

i shouldn't have to do this.

but, the order was $1350. i used my deposit to pay july, and withheld august - meaning she owes me $650 (and i have no deposit).

so, if i stay for september, i'll owe her $50 - because the rent is $700 minus the $650 she owes me, and i don't have a deposit.

if i leave september 1st, she will owe me $650.

04/15 is now updated.

hungry...